Finally setting myself free

I understand depression only too well, it's sat itself next to me for more than 30 years some days are better than others.  I no longer dwel on what I've lost over the years as if I did  I'd wouldn't be here ( I've lost £250, 000 easy) I now leave the past in the past as there is nothing I can do about it, I only look forward and take on day at a time. You can do this...

Angel x

Thank you for replying to my post. You are quite right, let’s put it all behind us and move forward. I am excited for the future and cannot wait to start living a normal life again. 

Posted by: @roulettegotme

This is my second attempt of being serious about quitting and I thought it’s time to start my own recovery diary to monitor my progress. I am 8 days gamble free but only because I have no money to gamble so I am not sure if that counts. We’ll, I have £20 left in my account but I am keeping that for my gym membership direct debit due to come out next week. But the main thing is I am now ready for a fight. It’s time I set myself free. Gambling has taken everything from me. I used to have a good job, working in finance- all the holidays and want for nothing. I am not sure why but one day during covid I stumbled across an advert on Facebook. I thought I would try my luck. It started with slots and I was addicted to this one game with a jackpot of £57k. The first day I gambled, I lost £200. I still remember how angry I was that I lost that money. If there was some sort of time machine- I would transport myself back to that day. I wish I had never signed up and discovered online casinos. Fast forward just 2 years, I have lost over £60k. £7k in savings was first lost in 2020 which only fuelled the chase and discovering roulette. After discovering roulette- then came the debt of £49k and £5k saved in 2021. How I saved with gambling, not sure how but lost that anyway. My first attempt to stop was when I finally hit my first rock bottom last year. My debts were unaffordable. I was going insane just trying to juggle payments every month til I finally sought help and arranged a payment plan. 9 years in total to be exact for my debts to be repaid. I am still happy to say I am now 1 year into that payment plan, so only another 8 years to go. I am not sure why I started again this year as I really had a good 4 months gamble free at the start of this year and life was great. I had left my job in finance and managed to find another job working from home. I absolutely love my new job though not as good as my old one as you can tell I can no longer work in the finance industry, my new job was a clean slate. Until my parents gave me money for my birthday £5000 to treat myself and book myself a nice holiday. But what did I do? Something told me that I could somehow try and win and pay all my debts back so I can maybe get back to my old job. That of course did not work out, my parents took pity and gave me another £2k to book myself a holiday. I did use this time to book a holiday and enjoyed my time away.  Some might think they have fuelled this but I do not blame them. They knew I had a tough year and they only wanted me to have a break from it all. I however only continue to disappoint them. I am not worthy of their love and kindness and forgiveness because as soon as I got back, I could not accept that I have lost their money. So I continued to play everyday- at first successful- I actually won £6700 in just 2 months. I was keeping it small profits of £100 a day and stopping. Living life as it was normal to just make an extra £100 a day and not one single day in the 2 months I lost. Why did I not stop? I have made the £5k back, I have made enough money for an amazing Christmas too. But come October 12- everything just went wrong. In a daze, I lost all £6700 in just 1 day. That’s right- in a few hours. I was shocked and angry pleaded again for my parents to help me get though the month and they helped me with that and I gambled that away. Then my payday came and I knew I had my debt payments still to be paid- I gambled everything a way chasing that £6700. Kept telling myself if I could just get that back I will stop really. But you know it’s never the case so once again I find myself at rock bottom. Luckily my parents offered again to this time not give me but loan me the money to cover my debt payments. I decided that I have really been defeated and they have won. I no longer want this to rule my life. So I have also decided to relinquish financial control, all my wages will be going to my partner and the only money that will be going to my accounts are those needed for direct debits. I decided to do this. It’s the only way because I cannot trust myself. I am lucky to be getting a bonus on the next payday so I am actually going to pay my parents back and the rest of it my partner can decide what he wants to treat himself with. I am very lucky to have people who love and care for me even I do not deserve this. I am not going to lie- it’s been very hard. I still think I can somehow just start with £300, and I can take this up to £6k and yes it’s not the first time I have done this. But I am fighting these thoughts everyday. I am still very depressed, the thought of losing so much money pains me but I know this is my fight- and I will come out a winner. I should have a disposable income of £500 - if I don’t leave the house, don’t go out and no longer buy anything for myself. Next year December- I should have this £6k back. This is my thought process at the moment. I have decided to lock myself in the house, isolate myself from everyone. I cannot bring myself to see my friends, plan things. I am actually quite happy just being indoors, and going to the gym and focusing on work. I know it’s quite sad, but maybe things will be better in a few months time. I think I am just in the initial depressive state because there’s no money to spend and still grieving the loss. But here’s to the rest of my life gamble free. I am 36 years old and sometimes I feel like I have thrown my life away. But in my mind- if I just keep saving  atleast £6k a year- that’s 10 years I will get back what I have lost in just 1 year. It’s mad if you think about it and look what I have done- and when I think about this- the depressive state just takes me deeper into depression but I am going to continue to fight. One day at a time. 

Hello,

A good download and share.

This addiction quite an formidable opponent and has a sneaky way in finding away into rhe crevices of our brain. 

A few things jumped out at me in your first post, firstly don't beat yourself up, it's futile and fuels the addiction fire, need to find away to forgive yourself, your human - we f×÷k up.

Secondly, understand the term ' just for today ', that's all we've got, getting too head of your self, will be akin in giving your self a prison sentence. Not easy but achievable.

Now, it's what I would consider the most important - Don't isolate and hide from  the world, this is what we do when In the midst of the gambling haze. Its been said that the opposite of addiction is connection. I agree with that. Its not easy, but self love is important, you've obviously got a support network around you, who shows you love, so take it and love your self.

Learn about addictions and yourself.

I wish you well

@roulettegotme thank you for your post on the forum and for sharing your story.

Gambling can be a very addicting cycle, and unfortunately relapses can happen, but that does not mean it is too late. Passing over financial control is a great step to take and it can really help to not have access to any big amounts of money. If you would like any further support for your gambling then please do come through to us on the helpline, we are open 24/7:  tel:08088020133

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/

Well done for reaching out, we are always here for you

Best wishes 

Forum Admin

Lauren

Thank you for sharing your post. I cannot believe quite how similar we are actually i am also 36 and in around 60K of debt from gambling over the last 5 years. I feel into it completely unexpectedly. I actually first gambled on the Grand National. Funny actually because I have never gambled on horses since, it's all been football and the dreaded slots.

At the start I didnt have a clue what i was doing and literally i would bet on any football game. No idea about odds or even what team was better than another. I lost and lost. It was no fun. i'd lost a couple of hundred at that time. Then one night I did an all or nothing, betting £500 on Valencia to beat Barcelona. I will never forget forget game. I'd said to myself that if i lost the £500 then that would be it - i'd never bet again and i think that would have been true. Little did i know that Valencia were vast underdogs and ... when they won, i won thousands. I was well and truly bitten by the bug. I think it took me about 2 weeks to lose all of that. Then it started, then my limited savings went, then the loans and credit cards, then the payday loans, then the borrowing from friends and family, the lies the deception, the chronic anxiety, the depression and then rock bottom. 

Last October, after losing my last £100 in one bet, i decided to put gamstop in place. I did it for 6 months and that was a great 6 months. I had money in my account. When i went to a shop i wasnt terrified my card would be declined. When my brother asked to borrow some money, i had it and that was the best feeling. But when the exclusion ncam to an end in April this year it was back to my old ways. I thought, after the break away, i was more in control. I thought, if i just win x amount a day then i'll have my debt cleared in a year.  Then i lost. So i put bigger amounts on because I needed to win the money back again to stay on track. Even on the days i won my target i just kept going. I lost everything again, all my savings and maxed out my one remaining credit card that hasnt been cancelled and a payment plan in place. 

So one night 14 days ago, i thought, enough is enough. I said to myself 'you keep thinking gambling is the answer and gambling is going to get you out of all your debt so how is that going for you? How much do you have in the bank?' I had nothing. In that one moment, i decided to put gamstop back in place (i only ever gamble online) and this time i did it for 5 years. Dont get me wrong, i have had moments in the last 14 days when i have regretted it - but those thoughts last for seconds. I had one moment when i say the odds on a football match and i thought, if i was able to put £100 on this, for just one more goal id definitely £136. I was annoyed with myself that i'd lost that chance of winning that £36, it was a dead cert. Anyway, guess what - i would have lost that £100! Then came the realisation of how id lost all that money and how that would always continue. 

So next Friday is my payday and i can't wait for it. Not because ill have money to gamble but because i will have money that i cant gamble. 

A couple of points i would make - i would recommend putting all the blocks in place that you can and make them as permanent as you can. There is no shame or failure in doing this, quite the opposite. There is nothing wrong in getting some added support. 

Secondly, please dont cut yourself off - this is probably the worse thing you can do. You'll end up just thinking more about gambling. Instead get out there, met people, take up your time with other things. I play free games on my phone sometimes too in the times that i would have been on the slots, it keeps my hands and brain busy and stops me thinking of gambling. This is the start of your new chapter, your new life, gam free. You do not need to punish yourself because you have done a great thing by deciding to step away from gambling. That should be rewarded. Go easy on yourself xx 

Thanks for replying to my post. Yes we are quite similar in that way and today I thought, I have the rest of my life to live. I no longer want to waste my life gambling away and come payday in 2 weeks for me- I will be able to enjoy life again. The debt is painful to think about but the good thing is I cannot get into more debt and it’s slowly getting paid off. We can do this! One day at a time. 

Exactly and as they say, when you hit rock bottom, there's only one way to go. 

How are you help me? I hope you are finally enjoying your payday! Take care. We are on this journey together and we can do this!!

Hey, how are you! Payday next Friday and I can't wait. To be honest I had a wobble yesterday. I think it's all the talk of the world Cup. I keep having a feeling that I'm going to miss out. I also think I miss the buzz of it. I started googling sites not signed up to gamstop. Luckily I didn't take it any further. How are you doing?