Finding myself again

Hang in threre Mask, I too am on my first day, normally gambling at this time, nice just to watch tv, remember keep reading these posts to remind you what you want to achieve, like me a gamble free life. Payday will come round, when it does read these posts, and read your post and think to yourself do you want that stress again after blowing money you can't afford. Life's out there, not in a bingo hall, or casino. I work in one so it's hard for me as I see gambling every night at work, if it helps casinos are fixed, the odds are in the favour of the casino, the way we win is by keeping punters in for as long as possible, the longer your in the more likely you are to lose, free drink, comp meal, all work to get your money. Hope you don't fail, as I am determined not to. Good luck.

Appreciate the input guys, it definitely helps.

DAY 6

Well, went out yesterday after work to the gym and then for the football. Spent about seven pounds in total. Was good getting out with a couple of friends, who I've put off speaking to for far too long. That alone boosted my morale. I actually am beginning to feel free and positive, despite still being financially crippled. This reinforces the fact that it isn't the loss of money that's the problem, its the psychological damage.

Three more hours overtime tonight, so that's 9 hours this week. Next weekend Sunday is available at double time, so definitely coming in for that. Will really give a boost to next months pay packet.

I genuinely feel great, sure my brain is feeding me negativity at times, but I'm keeping myself occupied enough for these feelings not to manifest.

Nearly a week done, and it feels like much more. The longest I've went without a bet for over a year.

DAY 7

The first signs of weakness have crept in. I was revisited by the devil on my shoulder suddenly insisting I have a small bet to allow me money to actually do something this weekend. I was close to listening to this voice, but dragged myself back to work with a cheap hotdog for lunch. I've had an emotional, long week, between all the overtime, watching the referendum unfold, and battling this addiction. Despite all this I feel stronger, not weaker, and my sleeping /diet habits certainly have improved. Removing gambling really does allow you to improve on other areas of your life which you were never quite certain were directly related. I'm glad I didn't give in today, fighting and resisting an urge makes me feel stronger than ever. I like this transition, I'm winning every day I don't gamble.

Hi mask

3 well dones

1 one whole week of winning

2 you fought off those nasty destructive thoughts

3 you are beginning to see how much better life is without gambling in it

That must feel good because you are a winner

Keep focused, stay positive and keep going

Suzanne xx

Hello Mask,

Well done on getting through that first week, temptation and the low thoughts when you come off a loss can make it easy to slip quickly after deciding to go gamble free.

I'm an overtime enthusiast too, I've been doing it for years to fund my gambling, (and to try and pay off my losses), but doing overtime that really does add a bit to my spending money is a lot more enjoyable. I once had to sign a waiver from the European working time restrictions, because I was doing so much.

Personally, I've often used work and other things to distract my mind from the temptations of gambling, and I think one of the most important things is not to try and fix everything at once. Recovery is a gradual process, and getting to grips with healthy eating/going out more/doing more social things is something I'm still trying to implement properly, nearly a year since my last gamble.

Hope you have a good weekend,

Ryan

Thanks Suzanne, appreciate that.

Ryan, you're right, turning everything around immediately is impossible. I wish it could happen like that, but transforming all areas of my life will take a lot of patience.

DAY 8

The weekend is always tough. I wanted to bet, I admit that. I seem to be growing in resistance. I've recognised areas of my life I need to improve. I need to take care of myself, regular washing, haircuts etc. My eating has improved, without the anxiety and burdens of guilt, I've felt stronger. My sleep pattern has improved almost immediately, which has been a problem with me for about 6 years. I dont know what the link is, but I'm glad I'm waking up at a reasonable time feeling refreshed. Its the first positive reaction I've seen from the past seven days I don't necessarily feel happier yet, but I'm proud of what I've achieved so far.

I don't believe money is a problem. I have 50 left until a week tomorrow, this should cover travel and food just about. Overtime, again, will be getting hammered this week and also on Sunday at double time. I like putting in extra work, I've been a lazy layabout for years. Instead of wasting money and time gambling, I'm earning more money and keeping myself away from temptation areas.

I can't wait until I'm paid. One, it will be the ultimate first challenge, and secondly, to allow myself to eat properly and to begin to socialise more often. I look forward to the point in my life where I don't feel constantly on edge, and I can feel happy with myself.

Hi mask

Thank you for your lovely words of support on my thread.

9 days today well done, keep positive stay focused and keep winning by abstaining and maintaining because the addiction hates these thoughts as it can't be fed so to speak.

Be very proud because it is not an easy journey but you are doing it and doing it well

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne for your encouragement. Means a lot.

DAY 11

The days are steadily building up. It actually feels like months, not days. Breaking through to double figures is great, I seem to remember the first week or so being the toughest from my previous attempts. I have the flu which isn't helping, its causing me to feel run down and tired, all of which I had begun to turn around. The thought of gambling sickens me, no urges at all over the past few days which is encouraging. Since I'm sick, I've decided to reduce the overtime I've been doing. Maybe I'm trying to turn things around all too quickly and making myself unwell. Time to recover from this flu, then prepare for pay day. The one thing I'm looking forward to most is a haircut!

DAY 15

Well, I've crashed through the two week barrier. The feelings of urges and impulse have transformed into resentment and regret. I took a few minutes yesterday to calculate how much I'd lost over the past ten years and it was 100k...100k!! That has left me feeling hurt and upset. But, onwards and upwards..

I've smashed the overtime and I'm working all day today at double time. I actually don't mind my job, and feel I'm concentrating more now and the day seems to go in a lot quicker.

My sleeping pattern has drastically improved. I've gone from sleeping 1am -12pm, to 12-8am. Despite this, I feel more energised and more, dare I say it, "normal". With the guilt and emotional rollercoaster fading, the weight on my shoulders is softening, resulting in improved sleep, and not dreading waking up the following morning knowing more heart ache was imminent. My diet has improved in tandem, and I've gained three pounds in 2 weeks. I'm still underweight but its nice to see an improvement. I think I might start weight training as a cheap way to kill time and get into shape and raise my self confidence back to levels "pre-gambling". The old me will return, just piecing him back together is a slow process but one which is already beginning to show positive signs.

As for my flu, I've managed to fight that off. I get paid on Tuesday, had to take Monday off work because I only have 20p left in my account. The barriers are in place, and I'm looking forward to getting a haircut. All the best everyone.

Hi Mr Mask,

Don't really know what to call you so Mr Mask for now!

You are doing so well.

The first couple of weeks are the pits.

Your eating & sleeping have improved so much. This will get better & better the more days you clock up gamble free. Every new day will be that little bit better.

Forget about the money. Nobody saves a bob. You would have spent it on something else. No one has money for the last ten years. It's never about the money. It's about our state of mind when we gamble. We don't stand a chance once we start.

Be good to yourself. Buy that lovely food when you have money. Every mouthful tastes so much better when we are not gambling.

Keep doing what you are doing. A few lines on your diary every day seems to make such a difference.

Happy Days!!

Suzy

Hi Mask,

Well done on beating that two week marker, you sound like you're on the right path. Sleeping habits are something I've struggled with, and as I work shifts I suspect for me that had more to do with it.

It sounds like your sleep is becoming more restful, and is less affected by the stress caused by gambling, which might suggest why you feel better and don't feel the need to sleep so late.

Keep up the good work, it continues to get better from here.

Ryan

Hi mask

2 weeks well done to you.

As Ryan says it continues to get better from here, but keep focused and stay strong and positive and keep going.

Suzanne xx

Pay day.....and I'm struggling. This is hard.

Hi Mask,

Keep strong. I know it's so tough when you get paid. Come on here when you get an urge to gamble.

Take every hour at a time.

Don't give in.

Suzy

I'm restarting this diary, as it has some positivity in it. Obviously due to the long time without posting, I slipped. Big time. Savings gone AGAIN, no money for the month, and depression and sleeping habits as bad as ever. One day at a time from now on. I just think to myself, what is the point in working hard for money that I'll ultimately blow sooner or later. It's a depressing thought.