Finding myself again

Hi mask, welcome back .

Well done for coming back, and continuing your recovery, sending you warm and positives thoughts, you can do this.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne. I've been out of control the last week or so. It's really knocked my confidence. Day 1 almost over, but am I only gamble free because I have no money? Probably. And that's not even an accomplishment.

So, on to day 2. I'm starving. I don't have any money for food, so cant eat for a week or so. Training course today at work, I won't be able to concentrate but nothing new there. This is hell.

I give up. I'm a slave to this and I'll never have enough energy to stop. This will kill me.

It's useless. I do ok, and then pay day arrives and I lose control. I never have any money, another 28 days of worrying where my next meal is going to come from. Is there a way to limit cash withdrawals from a bank? That would really help.

Hi there

just ask in your branch and they will put any cash limit you ask on your account from a cashpoint. I have to carry a card for my job but have put a £50 cashpoint limit on it so know even if the demons catch me out not the catastophe of past times as that is now the most I can lose in a day without going into an actual bank to draw out more. The fact I have that limit also makes me think twice when I go into a bank as well, thinking time to make the right decision.

Still the emotional impact of losing if I mess up but at least not the financial havoc.

xxx

Thanks to both of you. I'll go in tomorrow and set a limit. Not going to solve my addiction, but will prevent any destructive financial losses.

So, today I didn't gamble. Day 2 tomorrow.

So, didn't have time to get to the bank today. Car was due in for a service, so had to take care of that.

On the way to the garage, I contemplated going into the bookies. At one point I felt convinced I was going in. I actually thought of this forum, and decided to walk straight to the train. It would have only compounded my misery. The thing is, I have withdrawn £900 and lost it all on Saturday. My partner watches over my finances, so I am waiting for the imminent questions regarding this. I don't want to hurt her for a fifth time, I can't do that to her. I will have to come up with some sort of excuse, and this will be my last lie ever. The worry of this discussion is stressing me out every minute of each day.

I have enough money (just) to get by for the month, but yet again I am watching every penny I spend.

On the positive side, I'm now 2 days "clean". I feel if I can get through the month and through the first week after pay day I will finally conquer this. Pay day seems to kill me every single time.

Hi mask,

3 positives for you my friend

1 day 2

2 you thought of the forum today

3 You can do this.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, for putting a positive spin on things.

The guilt and shame are eating me alive. I'm stopping this time, I never want to waste another penny or another piece of energy. Bookies, you can keep my money, but that's all you're getting. I'm done with you, you make me sick.

Well, that's 72 hours safely negotiated. My mind is all over the place, it's difficult to think straight. Having so little money to live on for this month is punishment I deserve. The next three weeks are going go be extremely difficult, then comes payday. A day I have feared for the last ten years of my life.

Hey mask,

You have 3 weeks til payday, that is 3 weeks to make sure you have every block and barrier in place, and the triangle is used to the maximum, your head will be all over the place now, but it won't be in 3 weeks time, try and turn this bad time now into a positive. I know it's hard but the only way forward is to abstain and maintain, you can do this.

Stay strong and believe in recovery.

Suzanne xx

I hate myself. I hate everything about the last ten years. It feels like a nightmare, an out of body experience. The outgoing sociable Mask, has transformed into a reserved, soulless shell of a human being. Not having money for food has reduced me to weigh under 9 stone, I look awful. I feel awful. I can't afford food clothes, I can't afford anything. This addiction has stemmed from past experiences, if I look at my life over a 15 year period it has been constant hell. Nothing good has ever happened to me. Fixing myself will take years, and I'm afraid the old me will never return. The happy me, with hope, ambition and the occasional smile.

Saying that, day 4 has been conquered. But at this point in my life, that means absolutely nothing. I'm going to book a doctor's appointment and see if I can get on anti depressants. I feel absolutely hopeless and broken. Sorry for the negative nature of this post, but I'm not going to lie about how I feel. I feel emotionless, I've forgotten how to feel anything. I'm empty, numb and lost.

One positive I took today was sitting at lunch time, eating a sandwich I had bought. I wouldn't have eaten today if I had gambled. At least I won't starve to death any time soon.

Addiction can sometimes seem preferable to the reality of our lives.
The pain you are feeling @ the moment must seem unbearable but your life can improve.
Hopefully the anti depressants along with some abstinence from gambling will help you to see there are choices out there for you. You may be able to directly tackle that which is causing your pain. The solutions to that do not have to be perfect they just need to be better than the ones you are using now. Addiction will always remain until we create a life for ourselves where we can see hope , a life where it is better to participate in it rather than escape to the dreamworld of addiction. Try to concentrare on your life rather than your life problems, easier said than done i know, but once you start making positive steps it will empower you to make more.
Have you done the obvious things e.g.
Attended Gamblers Anonymous
Financial controls
Self exclusion
Blocking software
Daily planning
Counselling

Hoping the best for you brother

Dan

Day 5 negotiated. I came close to collapsing and walking into a bookies. I stopped, thought about the consequences and walked past. I have to admit, that felt good, it felt like I had regained a moderate level of control.

I treated myself to a nice lunch. I have budgeted for the month, I will make it through. Just.

Dan, I have done all the things you mentioned, besides self exclusion. There are thousands of bookies I could find to gamble in, that wouldn't stop me. If I wanted to gamble, I'd find a place.

I made a list of things to work on. Repairing relationships, gaining weight, fix my anxiety and social skills. Five days in is a great effort for me, I was in a hole for a while there gambling every spare minute I had. At least I've broken this destructive cycle...early days and still a lot of work to get back on track, but the journey has started and I'm happy with the early progress.

Suzanne, you always offer me support, I really appreciate it. I have put barriers in place for pay day, ATM withdrawals have been limited, and I have a direct debit for the majority of the money which will be transferred directly into a savings account which doesn't allow withdrawals. Pay day will be the key day in my recovery. Every time I have tried to stop in recent years has collapsed on this day. If I were to get past this, I would feel confident of kicking this into touch. Long way go go til then though, one day at a time.