Finding myself again

Big urges. These always happen once I come to terms with the recent money lost. Today is going to be difficult.

Hi Mask,

I hope you have safely got through the day, and staying strong, those urges are just horrible nasty thoughts,

Take care and be safe,

Suzanne xx

Thanks for your comments. I sincerely believe reading them helped me through on Friday. Happy to report I'm still gamble free. Sunday I usually spend lying in bed, worrying about the week ahead. Today, in contrast, I was up early morning, showered and I am embracing the day. I feel positive, I feel less burdened, less of a fraud.

It's difficult though, don't get me wrong, urges are daily and strong, but I'm resisting and that is making my resolve greater.

So, 7 days complete.

9 days completed. Nearing the first milestone, in my opinion, of double figures. Every day I have urges, probably always will. The thing I am most pleased about is that I have broken the cycle. The rut I was in was the worst I've been in since I started gambling.

No debts is a positive. I spent the weekend with my family, that was the first time I spent time with my nephews and didn't feel like a fraud. Everyone noticed a change in me, a smile is returning to my face.

I'm done with gambling, I'm bored of it and the troubles it brings with it. It's a path I will never venture down again. I'll be on guard for the rest of my life and I will always remind myself that I am powerless to it, so I have to respect that and never play again.

Great post mask and double figures tomorrow.

Well done,

Suzanne xx

10 days!

Great achievement for me, and I'm proud of myself. The urges are slowly fading, my mind is being reprogrammed. I feel so much more relaxed, no worry or panic kicks in at any point of the day.

I still have so many things to deal with. But I'm working on all of them. I'm trying to repair some friendships and I have contacted my closest friends and we're going to go out for drinks in March, when I have some money. I can't wait.

I have developed severe confidence issues over the past decade. To the point, I removed every mirror from the house, I can't stand looking at myself. I hate even seeing myself in the reflection of a car door. I need to get my self esteem back, and this will come through.socialising and improving my appearance. I weigh under 9 stone, I used to go days without food. I need to put on some weight and learn to love myself again.

On a positive note, and perhaps miraculously, I got promoted at work. Having went for the series of interviews whilst gambling on a daily basis I have no idea how I was successful, but I'll take it! I'm even more dedicated to stopping now, because with more money, comes more temptation.

My life is back.on track, and its only been 10 days. I love this feeling, I will never gamble again because I can't.

Hi mask,

Thanks for your lovely message.

10 days sure is a big achievement and you deserve to feel proud, getting that promotion will help you get your self esteem back, which will then bring more positives back, and with continuing your recovery you will soon be looking for a mirror to smile back at.

keep going, and keep winning

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne, your continued support is really helping me battle through this.

So, 12 days without a bet. I've been here before, and I remember feeling calm and free of guilt. What needs to be different this time, is getting beyond pay day. But, for some reason, I feel confident of getting through it with the barriers I've constructed, and a change of attitude. I know I can never gamble again, and I finally accept that. No matter how small, I can't place another bet again in my life. That's the way it has to be.

Started my new role at work, it's difficult, but is making the day pass quicker. It's more reponsibility and I'm enjoying it in these early times. Overtime is available at the weekend but I'm not doing overtime until I've got through payday unscathed. The thought of working more hours and wasting all the money sickens me, so I don't want to earn more until I am absolutely certain I won't throw it away.

I have a cold, which sucks. Everyone around me at work is coughing and sneezing and I seem to contract every virus going round, must have a weak immune system.

I was thinking earlier, what will be the next big milestone. I'd say if I can get to fifty, that would be amazing. 12 still feels like such a low number, but the progress you take, even during the early stages of recovery, is enormous.

50 is a target I will reach and then surpass, because gambling is something I can never do again. It's in the past, and it's staying there.