First sign of hope

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to share my story in hope that it might make myself take a further step to getting better and hopefully make someone else feel less alone.

My problem started during Covid when someone I know  was bragging about gambling wins whilst my boyfriend  was wanting to do all sorts in terms of home improvements. The person told me to sign up and about getting free spins and I thought I had nothing to loose . How wrong was I.

It started off with a couple of wins but I kept it a secret from my partner and everyone else and to this day he still doesn’t know which comes with a lot of guilt.

Fast track to today and I’m thousands of pounds in debt he thinks I’ve got a certain amount in savings and I don’t which is about to become very problematic .

The last few weeks it’s got to the point where the monthly payments on debts I’ve taken out swallows all my wages and things have felt like a ticking time bomb. I’ve been thinking my time is running out I’m going to loose everything and this has put me in a dark place where I’ve been thinking of ending things.

Today I feel as though I’ve started to break free and it’s the first sign of hope I’ve had in months.

Out of all the bad times in my life and there have been many , I’ve never known something come with so much guilt and shame most days I just sit all day trying to find someone to give me credit to get me out the hole. I feel constantly sick and can’t eat or sleep.

Today I felt like I really couldn’t stand it any longer so I got up got dressed left the house and I called a family member and broke down and told them everything.

They were more understanding than I thought they would be I thought this would be the end of our relationship and they would cut me out but they first told me what an idiot I am and then said to me we are going to get you out of this and I confessed all my debts and the mess that I’m in. It came with a lot of embarrassment and shame .

I’m confident I’m free from the gambling but the mess and secrets is so consuming it made me believe I had no way out and ending my life would be the only option.

I still have a long way to go and I realise some people don’t have the luxury of having people to talk to and help but I just want to say if you are on here reading this and your worried about opening up I know it’s not easy. This is the hardest scariest  thing I’ve ever had to do but after it really takes the weight off. I am still lying to my partner and hope I can get out of this without him finding out .. he’s great and I love him but it makes me think that I’m a bad person and my relationship is built on lies a lot of time it feels like I’m on auto pilot just doing everything I’m supposed to but it’s all fake. I hate that but all I’ve wanted is a second chance and to keep my life regardless of this stupid mistake and mess I’ve gotten into.

If you don’t want to talk to family or a friend the live chat help on here have been great.

When you think you’ve got no way out please don’t give up. Things aren’t perfect for me and I’m still lying but the release of taking the first step makes me think there might just be light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care of yourselves x