Focussed and not willing to give in.

Hi dazza glad to see it's still going well and that the missus, is slowly becoming more accepting of you again pal.

As for keeping you busy I'm not to sure i play of the playstion 5 to try and keep my mind busy. I suppose you could try and get into a program to pass the free time pal.

Thanks Kyle.  I have a PS5 just strangely no motivation to play it! Ironic really 😂 Today's day 10 gamble free! 

Double digits baby! 

Started showing the wife my bank account every evening so she knows nothing has been wasted gambling. She can see I'm trying but every now and again she gets mad and has some digs. I think it's the least I deserve really! 

Nothing special today, been to work and now got back home. Fresh coffee and some Netflix for a couple of hours. 

Not thinking about the gaming community today at least and feel a little better. 

Day 11 g.f and feeling bored.  No online gaming and no betting. Just work and normal life.  I can't help but feel like something is missing ? I keep grabbing my phone and going onto it then realising there's literally nothing to do on it.  I don't want to gamble parsae but I'm definitely starting to feel fed up.  I asked the wife to buy me a book I wanted to read so I could put some focus into that but I think she considering hitting me with a book instead, maybe it's too soon still! 

Work tomorrow and then another day off but feeling very dull is the best explanation of where I am today! 

Awesome job so far mate. Giving up such a massive part of your life is like losing a friend. You will feel lost for a bit. Books were my go to. They still are. Get yourself down the library! 

So good to hear that, although its not back to normal, you're wife is not hitting you with books. Having support is such a help. It also reminds you of why you are doing this on a daily basis. Firstly for you, but secondly for your family. Nothing like the wrath of a scorned wife to keep you gf!!

Stick at it mate. The boredom goes away. The reaching for phone gets replaced with watching cat videos and wondering why you ever gambled 🤣 

Stay strong 👍 

Thanks Weirdfish, your right it's exactly that. It's like o lost a friend and don't know where they went.  Find myself looking about wondering what now.

Ok the plus side today is day 12 g.f.  I've worked, I've been treated to a nice take away for dinner and I've set my PS5 console up. Tomorrow is a day off so in-between school runs I think I will try to play for a little bit on there to take my mind off stuff. 

My wife ordered me that book today too. So when that comes look forward to starting to read again! 

Small steps help. Learning to carry on without financial control isn't easy, I drank some water in work today because I didn't have cash to buy a drink! Next time IL make sure I take a large bottle in with me or something. 

Thinking ahead I've got my second GA meeting tuesday night. Wondering already what I want to talk about from this week! Definitely going though! 

Day 13 g.f and a day off work. Nothing much to report.  Refrained from any form of gambling. My book didn't arrive yet 😭 Watched some TV in-between school runs, just normal stuff. Noticing the lack of something still but putting it to the back of my mind. Even did some extra work paperwork from home.  Bit boring really! 

Day 14 & 15 g.f I missed my first daily post since Day 1 yesterday! Not for any bad reason just because life got in the way! Had a really productive G.A meeting yesterday, spoke out about the feeling of boredom and something being missing.  Was good to listen to lots of honest feedback about this, seems it's quite 'normal'. Just going to keep focusing and pushing myself into healthier routines! 

It's good to attend the meeting and listen to like minded people and understand that it's not just me in this position! My wife's not doing too bad with things. She's still mad and occasionally lets me know but I can't blame her.  First pay day tomorrow since my gamble free days begun.  It will be nice to hand it over knowing im not lying or skimming the first couple hundred pretending I get paid less than I do! 

So today exists of relaxing at home for a while before work later today. Should keep me busy and focussed. Im thinking for this journal I may start to write less frequently and combine 2 or 3 days together like I have in this one.  Only because as things don't feel quite as bleak I don't want to spam my journal just for the sake of it! 

Hope everybody is doing well and staying gamble free! 

Thanks as always. 

Dazza

Days 16 & 17 g.f moving slowly towards three weeks without a bet or any compulsive /irresponsible spending. My new book came!  Am enjoying it. Actually feels nice to sit back and read it not worrying about anything.  The boredom comes and goes from the hole that has been left behind removing all things gambling related but I'm managing it well.  Been open and honest with the mrs about the boredom factor so she's aware of it too.  

Not a bad couple of days actually. Pay day came and went, treated us to a nice beef bourginion with lovely creamy mash instead of wasting the first couple of hundred at least gambling like normal. 

Had some more chats with the mrs all positive really. Not forgiven but she's moving on slowly and accepting I'm doing everything I can to stop for good.  I know if I relapse she and my step daughter will be gone gone gone for good.  Can't let that ever happen! 

Anyway enough from me.  Hope your all have a lovely weekend. 

Dazza

@dazza85 Hi Dazza.

Lovely to read that you are still sticking to your g.f plan 👏👏👏. It’s lovely also that you have been able to treat you and your wife to a nice meal, especially as I am sure she has been sick with worry underneath her annoyance towards you. I hope you both can come through this together and it sounds like you are determined to make this happen 🙏.

Have a lovely weekend.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Pink Lady thanks for the message.  Your absolutely right it felt great to make a nice meal and enjoy the basic comforts of company with her rather than constantly checking my phone etc. Today is Day 18 & 19 g.f and I feel quite proud to still be going clean.  I wouldn't say it's been easy and there's still a huge journey to focus on around my wife who absolutely still does not trust me at all.  I feel it with her mother too. She hates my guts right now I'm pretty sure she's sad my wife stayed with me!  Trying my best not to let that get inside my head. 

Enjoying reading my book still, works been pretty good last week or so getting lots done! Still feel the loss of no gambling at all kind of went instant cold turkey and I do feel like day to day I'm missing something that isn't easy to replace. Getting there though ! Ready for my third G.A meeting Tuesday night, I joined a G.A Whatsapp group after last week and noticed I recognize someone from that group from my personal life. But of a concern but what can I do? Maybe il play dumb! 

Anyway it's time for me to put my comfiest PJs on and relax in front of Netflix for a few hours. 

Days 20, 21 & 22 g.f swiftly move on! Focusing on one month gamble free coming up. The last few days have been relatively straight forward really.  Attended my third G.A meeting last night which was beneficial and I believe will continue to act as a constant reminder for me of my addictive compulsions! 

Two strange events that triggered me slightly.  One was my wife went on a real spending splurge spent a fortune on new furniture without really talking to me about it at all.  It made me feel like it was partial payback or something? Like well you spent so il spent moment.  Probably massively overthinking it but it hurt me after her being so angry at my gambling that she could drop so much cash on furniture I didn't really feel well needed?

Second trigger was in work.  One of the guys I work with mentioned it being Cheltenham soon and wanted me to go into a bet team with him. I instantly declined and said told him I blocked myself from online sports site and he said it's okay I can put the bets on for you if you want.  Total nightmare! Would of been so so easy to say oh okay! I said no thanks but inside I was like aaaaah. 

Thirdly I had my second councelling session today and it broke me down more than I expected.  There is digging deep then there's digging for oil from me.  She went really deep and it brought up a number of things I had never really thought about or accepted from my childhood. 

Overall good to be gamble free still but not without issues. 

Dazza

Day 27 gamble free still with ups and downs. I feel anxious a lot at the moment. The wife is here but not "here".  She blew money we didn't have last week which I felt was a bit of payback, fair enough, but today my car ruined me a bill of 1000..  instantly wished I still had my crypto or something to sell to pay the bill.  

Water bill came this week a 27% increase.  Council tax a 6% increase. Everything so expensive! I managed to swerve the work friend telling me he would put some bets on for me but that wasn't easy and messed my head some.

Focusing on being a month gamble free this weekend.  Baby steps! Work is a lot too right now and finding the balance is difficult.  Gambling was a stress reliever to me in a strange way so without it I can feel my anxiety peaking.

Baby steps! 

@dazza85 Well done Dazza on your continued progress 👏👏👏. 

I understand how you are feeling about everything going up in price! Every April and each year I feel since COVID, the percentage increase of just keeps getting higher and higher. So many people these days are just working to pay their bills and many of which, are heading into their 70’s! 👎. I was told just this evening that my service charges on my apartment, just for the general day to day running costs alone, are going up in April by 125%!!! 🤬.

I returned back to full time work last August, to be able to have more money to spend on “me”. Now the way things are going, this extra money could be partly swallowed up with ever increasing bills!👎.

I know this may sound like I am being petty but just as an example, I get a Sainsbury’s food shop delivery every week and my usual purchase of sugar snap peas, up until a couple of weeks ago, used to cost £1.19. They have now all of a sudden rose to £1.55!🤬😤. Gone are the days when things went up by 5 pence! I still blame COVID for all this.

Keep going and as you said, just take it day by day/week by week and remember to take a breath and a step back when you are finding things tough.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Pink Lady and thank you for the reply. I agree with you everything has gone ridiculous. In my store we put out 1000 Price UPs each week then only around 250 Price DOWNs. Wage increases around 2-6% on average but bills are going up way more than this. It's a good job I've stopped gambling 😂 even though a part of me does think about winning a way out. The truth though is I fully realize all I ever do gambling is to stack the losses. So no gambling! Infact today is a special day! 30 days gamble free today!! 🎉 

It feels good to have achieved my first full month gamble free in probably at least 18 years. I wouldn't say I'm feeling the financial benefits just yet, but I can see if the future I will. I'm off work a few days now with my step daughter off school so going to take her swimming today and spend some time with her. 

My wife had her first councelling session yesterday, well it was the initial assessment actually.  She struggled with it and in some ways things felt like they went backwards slightly. She talked to me about feeling like there's zero trust left and how she feels the relationship will never be the same again.  She noted that for Valentine's I would of usually sent flowers to her work etc and it made her sad I didn't (she told me not too) and that things wouldn't be the same again.  I'm doing my best and really trying to show her im serious about this.  In 30 days I have :

* Attended four G.A meetings. 

* Attended two beacon 121 councelling sessions. 

* Completely removed all spending options from my phone and removed online gaming. 

* Cleared my credit card down to £800 by selling my gaming account. 

* Restricted finances and provided access to wife to view online banking whenever desired. 

* Gam stop and SENSE in place to restrict casinos and sports betting. 

* Continued this ongoing diary.

Overall I have kept things in my control so all I can do is continue the baby steps and keep reminding myself that I'm Dazza, im a compulsive gambler and I'm 30 days since my last bet. 

@dazza85 

Hi Dazza,

Massive congratulations to a month gamble free!

You sound like you are doing all the right things and I hope your wife can see this. 

Maybe taking advantage of the free GamBan subscription GamCare foot the bill for would be a good final step to show your commitment to staying clean?

You can install it on all devices in your household for 5 years and it might be one more thing you could do to show your Mrs how serious you are. 

The biggest benefit I have found is it blocks foreign casinos and betting sites that are not on GamStop. 

These predatory and unregulated sites have cost me £1,190.00 since the back end of January.