Gambling Man.

Day 5

Well the hangover is nearly over and I am feeling much better today.

I have jotted down a reminder of all my achievements from 15/16 and saved it on my phone to remind me weekly of what not gambling brings. Sad but something I need to capture.

The money from the gambling binge left me yesterday so the door is now closed.

It's time to look forward.

Love reading your posts. Day 20 myself. Finding it hard to sleep. Years of online slots or poker at 3am. Sorry you had slip but I guess positivity is the key.

Yes it really is a long hangover- I'm still feeling low after a bad relapse. It's harder in a way to accept when you thought you had beaten it before. Well day 6 today. Well what can you do but keep going, but the waking up moments and realisation of what I did last week is hard to shake off. Everything - work, relationships, children, they all suffer. This time has to be the last time.

Thanks for both of your posts. It's really encouraging to here from you. We will keep our guards up.

It's been a week now since that awful night and I am still keeping strong.

This weekend will be hard as the Footie season starts however I will be watching only and enjoying the games. Dicing with death on a small bet leading to online games would be my choice before. Not now. Life's to short to P**s it up the wall with a a garentee of losing money to the awful rigged casino games that are on offer.

I wish you guys a great weekend and I look forward to reading your entries. We can beat this.

Hi mate,

Sorry to read that you relapsed, although in reality the fact that you were so close to a milestone almost doesn't matter when you let yourself down, I know as I've done it far too often, sometimes after days, weeks, or even after over a year away. Don't beat yourself up about it, but don't become blase about relapsing, which I confess is something I did.

You can pick yourself up and get back on the horse, we can't be perfect, just better versions of ourselves. Keep up the good work and bouncing straight back, enjoy the football.

Ryan

Heya lordy I just wanted to show my support this illness is sneaky we feel sure we are "better"and sometimes for no apparent reason:we fall our brains are sneaky we tell ourselves as we are better it's not the same and we will be OK maybe even that no one will know then "wham"we are right back there again caught in the trap.i would firstly like to say how proud I am of you for your admission not easy after all this time and maybe the amount of days was quite poiniant.you felt cured?I'd also like to say that admission may have "saved me I'm 82 days free now I feel better and cured but my kids are back to school in a few weeks and I will be in danger.i have had opportunity I run past the bookies frequently and I often have a feeling of smugness and sorrow for those punters having a f*g looking thro the window waiting for a feature ,I've even seen kids playing outside waiting for their dad's, the worst being a baby in a car seat in a car outside while he ran in and out playing roulette on the fobt.All things things help me but I'm still in danger I've even got a puppy coming in 3 weeks time and secretly even tho I've wanted a dog for years I know it will give me a focus (and tie me a little and distract me)so what I'm saying is even tho the longer you obstane the less u think about it or want to do it,it is always the elephant in the room ,the demon on your shoulder,go on a little won't hurt,no one will know,we all know this feeling you have had lucky escape and your up side is you have savings.im.still fighting the ВЈ16,000 hole I've put myself in payday loans council tax arrears water arrears and actually one of the things that is stopping me is I have everything on payment plans there is no more chances for me or I could lose everything,and I'm getting my sense of pride back I enjoy work again I'm enthusiastic I want to earn money and pay off debts as appose to earning money and just going thro the emotions so I can get money to feed my fix,the other thing is once the addiction is in hand everything else feels better I was grumpy short with the kids if I couldn't gamble if hubby took an afternoon off I felt annoyed as I couldn't gamble,life is still really tough but it's definitely less stressful I borrowed ВЈ1300 from my parents I'm down to £650 even that makes me see physically the change I would never have done that before.Any way the whole point to my ramblings is this pick yourself up dust yourself done think of your positives it could have been worse and count your blessings your not a bad person you just listened to the demon next time put your earphones in.....or buy a puppy lol take care dizzy.xxx

Hey lordy your quietness worrys me are u OK? X

Hi all

well I am back on here posting and just wanted to keep this updated.

Well the last year or so has been quite a rollercoaster and I have kept away mostly from gambling however recently I have been back to old tricks gambling.

After self excludeding from the bookies on the high street unfortunately I can now go back in again as there self exclusion policies are very poor and has no effect. I have been wondering back in again to find my old mate for a few spins on the wheel and recently it has become to often.

I have also opened up accounts online again and twice in the last 3 weeks have loaded around £1000 pounds into two sites clawing the money back I have staked.

my addiction for the buzz is back and I need to fight and get s grip of what is at stake.

I was playing with money tonight that I did not even require to win or need and wanted to loose to put some pain on myself to knock me down.

It’s time to get posting again and start being responsible for my poor actions.

Well it’s time to start writing down my entry’s again as unfortunately over the last few months I have being gambling again 

fortunately the days of being regularly in betting shops spending my every last penny are definitely dwindling away however  being a compulsive gambler the story has not ended 

I can safely count on my two hands the amounts of times I have gambled in the last 18  months  on uncertainty no logical predictions of a horse a dog or the awful roulette wheel of death but those 10 times I could definitely do without.

 When this does occur it hurts  10 times harder when I head for a binge into a mad hour of madness that I never see coming 

the biggest issue I  face  is when I do turn to gamble it scares the hell  out of me but I end up doing it anyway

The sessions of swindling away Larger amounts during these  power sprints  does not seem to effect me in the moment  but when the race ends and money is squandered the horrific reality in what has happened kicks in and you know it’s definitely game over 

its time to start again and work harder than ever not to get caught up in this madness 

during these sessions I had desire to win very small amounts 

I am asking myself did I want to achieve and win  the amounts I lost??  Absolutely not

Why should I be doing this when in reality I have the best setup and support around me not to do this cancerous task of loosing. Because that is what happens when a gambler  hits the self destruct button we all end up looses.

i need to Combat a few things in my mind and this entry is going to be step one of my new start 

abit Like my previous entry’s I need to stop running away from the issues and start facing up to why I want to feel worthless 

this is going to be a fresh start and it’s time to stop hiding lying and wasting my time to this awful compulsive lifestyle 

I see you did GA  early on. If you’re committed and want to take action, then surely a counsellor or Steps based approach is the way forward?

internal resolutions are just delaying tactics for addicts.

Hi guys thanks for your posts 

it’s definitely time to start looking at other ways of coping against this addiction. I am open to most supporting opportunities right now and have started the application process for a councillor So that’s another step forward for sure 

its time to start facing up to my inner issues and and air them out into the open 

So another day is about to close and thankfully the need to gamble was not there today.

the last few days have been extremely slow, painful and definitely not productive. 

The aftermath of gambling is definitely the hardest thing for me to get around. It rips out anything positive and makes you  want to hide away.

This is quite Funny  as it seems to me that this is happening when I gamble!

Talking about hiding and lying, after my latest gambling adventure normally I would do both of the above. This time I opened up to my partner and explained exactly what went on.

She was extremely understanding but a little shocked to hear the quickness of what had gone wrong in the space of a single hour.  

It really did feel good to talk to someone about my actions and it helped to ease some of the weight that was mashing in my mind of what I ended up doing again.

To be going out of the house socialising and having a good time to doom and gloom in an instant. It’s crazy how this addiction can turn rapidly to get a fix for an escape in life 

I am planning for the next few days to be abit more of the same  but I no as each day passes I will get strong within to start once again in beating this ridiculous habit.

It will become better,  it will become easier. This addiction just needs to be controlled like many successful people have achieved to date 

i wish everyone reading this the very best in your fights for success at whatever stage you are at in your recoveries. 

We will conquer, taking one small step at a time.

Thanks for posting on my diary.

Sorry you're having a hard time at the moment. I would not describe myself as the best qualified to offer advice, only, to distance yourself from it all for a time. Get out of the 'zone'. Practically (self-ex, change of routine) and emotionally. It's always better to look on the problem after a few days away. 'Just one more time' is never going to work while you're in a downward spiral.

Good luck

Thanks milkman for the messages.  very true words for sure.

its time to start becoming accountable again and take more control in this long road ahead 

So a few more days have passed and it’s been a contrast between the two days I must say 

a couple of nights ago I ended up not sleeping a wink and stayed up all night wallowing and beating myself up about what occurred only a few days ago 

fast forward another day and I have been completely the opposite 

its been a fantastic day and I feel like I have acted on my wallowing instead of not following though With ways to improve this situation I am facing 

Something very simple and small has helped me today.

when I was in my doom and gloom moments staying up all night I was racking my brain on ideas in what would support me and improve the situation for the better 

Going through my very good early childhood I was extremely active. I would play many sports and socialise well. I would be at the tennis caught regular on the football pitch and shooting hoops playing basketball 

that stopped For many years and was left behind me 

so 18 years later I go back to my enjoyments.

I have never stepped foot in a basketball court since I was a kid. So today I went to the shop after work spent £10 on a basketball and had nearly two hours out in this  beautiful world we live in and shooting some hoops letting off steam.

I will be honest the best part of the exercise was smashing the ball hard into the ground many times but the overall experience really has helped me.

the moral of the story is that it’s about breaking the habit 

In the past that money could have went to the bookie or I Would have been sitting in hiding away feeling sorry for myself and nobody else. 

Today was a different day and sometimes these small steps can help in the journey to recovery 

its about focusing on the good and not about the bad