So here my story begins.
Started playing online slots a tenner at the most but that was short lived. I can deposit hundreds within a short space of time now. The money I've lost is irrelevant and that is one of the things that has helped me come to terms with quitting. I seemed to have lost the thrill of the chase.
I used to be addicted to bandits but got bored with them and gave up for about 15 years. I discovered online slots when I played in the bingo sites and quickly moved onto casino sites.
I have attempted to stop for the last year now but been unsuccessful. Initially my family knew and think I've stopped but in truth the longest I stopped for was 7 weeks.
I'm ashamed to say but I have to be honest to myself in that I've trashed my computer but used my mobile instead, changed my mobile that was rubbish to use online, but not long after was due an upgrade and upgraded to a better one, I gave away my I pad, ended up buying another computer I downloaded gambling blocks on both computer and phone but found a way round them, I even found a way round internet provider gambling block, I've excluded from sites only for them to let me open them again and if they don't then I just open another one. I seem intent on destroying my life, and have been so occupied with thoughts of gambling I've lost touch with reality.
I've phoned in work sick twice cause I've been up all night either gambling or worrying about the money I've lost. I've lied to people where my money has gone, or lied where money has come from. Mood swings were or still are terrible, people must think I have bi polar as you can either peel me off the ceiling or pick me off the floor, up and down constantly, but mostly down.
The difference between this time and the last time I stopped is I'm bored and done with it now. I'm done with the worry, sleepless nights, no money, lying and self loathing. I absolutely hate the thought of gambling again, but I know I could easily forget those feelings and slip.
Looking back at my life there has always been times when I get obsessed by one thing or another then after a matter of time I become bored with it then move on to something else.
Every month I spend my wages as soon as they come in and live off my credit cards for the rest of the month. It's like as soon as I have money I have to throw it down the pan.
This time has been slightly different as I've been abstinent for 5 day's now and I now have money in my account, I know it's not long but that's really good for me. And I must add the money came from a withdrawal of £1000 that for the first time ever I did not reverse and have now excluded myself from.
Meant to start my diary yesterday but ended up reading other people's diary's then had an early night. I've noticed the benefits of stopping gambling already, I'm sleeping better. I've not had an urge yet but I know that could change.
Not setting any goals yet as I just want to get through one day at a time and from now on every penny will be my prisoner.
Hi babybluesky,
Welcome to this supportive site and well done for admitting you have a problem and ready to deal with it.
My first suggestion would be to hand your finances to someone you trust. This will be extra block if you get tempted. Or just change your card to the cash card.
Try to keep yourself busy, especially on the early stages of recovery, and ride out any urges occurring. remember, it's only thoughts and you don't have to act on them.
Stay close to this site and your diary, we are all in the same boat and understand. Read, write, get it all out. A lot of advice is always available.
Recovery is bespoke, and i am sure you will find the best way suitable for you.
Day at a time
All the best in your journey
Take care
Sandra
Babybluesky,
Thanks for giving such an honest opening post in your diary. Everyone on this site will be able to relate and sympathise.
The reality is that there will always be ways round gambling blocks on your computer/phone/tablet. There's no point in pretending otherwise. At the end of the day, we have to have the strength ourselves to stand up and say no to this addiction.
I think you're doing the right thing in not setting any goals. Just take each day as it comes. Some will be more challenging than others and you might have a period where it seems like the pain is never going to stop, but you will have good days as well where you feel good. Just stay away from those gambling sites. Easier said than done, but any time you get a little urge, go do something else to quickly take your mind off it. Go for a walk, pick up the phone and speak to a friend/relative, go to the shops. Do something active.
Keep up the posting. I'm looking forward to seeing you beat this thing.
Hi Sandra1 thanks for taking the time to write and give me sound advice. My finances do need sorting out, I just need to find the best person to ask.
Martin67 You are absolutely right bottom line is that I'm going to have to just say no to myself and I'm going to use all my will and determination to do just that.
I've been gamble free so far today and not encountered any urges but if I do then I will take the advice given to me so far which is to keep myself busy.
Feeling determined more than ever, long may it continue .
week 1 and day 8
Just checking in and reading diary's no urges as yet but keeping myself busy.
Here's to another gambling free day tomorrow.
Day 10
no thoughts to gamble but reminiscing about the last few years tonight, making my mood low.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully free from gambling.
Think I might make a goal soon, right now just getting through one day at a time 🙂
Content removed by Forum Admin.
Hi julie2003
Thanks for finding the time to post on my diary, after reading your post it put a smile on my face as it was good to know there are people out there who are genuinely supportive, so thanks for making my evening better. I read your diary and well done on your abstinence, I will continue to read your posts.
Robert no you were not intruding drop by any time, I'm glad I dropped by the chatroom every time I've gone into it before it's been closed so I wasn't expecting it to be open. I'm glad I did now and it's great to know I can go there for support and advice. It's through the support here that's making me even more determined.
Day 11
I don't know if it's because I'm busy with Christmas that I've not experienced any urges yet, I'm hoping it's more to do with my sheer determination. It's like I'm being punished and I'm being made to wait as I really want to get one over and done with to see how I deal with it, maybe I'm just being daft.
Went to town today to finish the xmas shopping a and checked the bank balance, I was expecting to use the credit card I saved for a rainy day, had it a while now but only activated it this morning, couldn't believe it when there was actually some money left in my account, not much may I add but enough to last me through to pay day on Tuesday, I've not seen money in my account in the week before payday for the last two years at least. Credit card cut up. What a great feeling, so treated myself to a bottle of wine which I've been enjoying.
Can't make any goals yet as still getting through one day at a time. Scared to say I will never gamble again but what I can say I won't be gambling today.
Here's to better days without the need to gamble
Hi Julie,
It's good to know you understand where I'm coming from maybe I'm not so daft lol, and your right writing everything down is a great help along with the support given here, so thanks again for finding the time to write and support me. x
Day 12
nothing to report, away to have an early night got to work tomorrow so early start 🙁
Forgot to mention yesterday I got a fine for driving in the bus lane, I was so gutted at having to pay a £30 fine, when I think back that's nothing in comparison to what I used to do when gambling, I could spend that £30 within 5 minutes and not think anything of it, strange as it is. In my defence I never knew it was still the bus lane on a Saturday, I thought it was only Monday to Friday.
Happy abstinence everybody
Hi babybluesky,
Very well done on ongoing recovery and 12 days is fantastic achievement. It will get easier and better 🙂
I wish you very Merry Xmas and happy New Year..make it fresh start g free next year!!!
Sandra x
Thank you Sandra1 for your support have a merry Xmas also x
Quick check in still got loads of stuff still to do for tomorrow
Week 2 14 days 🙂 no time to think about gambling.
Merry Xmas everyone x
So Xmas day arrives and I'm opening one of the presents from my partner and inside was a box of chocolates along with 4 scratch cards, the look on my face must have said it all "Don't you like your presents" my partner asked which I could only reply "You know I don't like chocolates". I then told him I didn't have a coin to scratch them to which he threw me a penny I then gave them to another member of my family and asked them to do it. I must have seemed ungrateful. It seems I had won a fiver so I took the card to the shop today cashed it in then put the money into the charity box next to the till,
I also had a problem with scratch cards as well as the online slots and I've not bought one since I've stopped gambling.
Anyhow day 17, got to say this has been the hardest day, had a couple of urges but managed to ignore them.
Not bad that's its taken 17 days but I think I know what triggered them, last night I payed money into my credit cards and into some of the debt I owe, it's not left me much but enough to live on for the rest of the month and this is when I would normally get depressed about the amount I've been left with I would then gamble to try and win more money so I would be left with a decent amount for the month, but that never happened I always lost or gambled the winnings.
I don't post every day but I do come on to read the diaries, I was reading one last night when I suddenly had that gut wrenching feeling I used to get when I lost all my money, it's good to be reminded and I believe that has helped me with the urges. I will continue to read them.
Mixed emotions, went to the shopping today and got that gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach again, I convinced myself that once I did my shopping there would be no money left for the rest of the month, or that my card would be declined at the till because there was no money left (that has always been a fear). For the last few years this has always been the case as I've always gambled my money straight after pay day. So I had to go and check, walking to the cash machine the feeling I was getting was making me nauseas but I'm glad I did as I got a nice surprise although it has only been 18 days I can see the difference already, and with that I felt a surge of relief. I should have known It wasn't as bad, it's funny how the mind works.
I stated earlier I wasn't going to focus on the money but it's the money that seems to be associated with triggering urges or the feelings I'm experiencing , and I need address them but I must remember I don't want get the money back I've thrown away I ALWAYS need to remember that!! That's what made me gamble to the extent I did.
Working tomorrow and over New Year so I should be safe enough, I've been reluctant to set goals as yet but I think I will set my first one on the 1st of January.
Reading more diaries today,
Hopefully I will be in a place soon where I can offer advice, right now I don't feel qualified enough to.
Good luck everyone.
Hi babybluesky,
i just read and know exactly the feeling ,its a stupid nightmare,tonight i slept better as well,its kinda crazy to let us be dominated for such urges,unfortunately i got urges all the time yet,but im surrounded with people i love ,and instead of making up a excuse to get out and waste all,i just talk to them,put my mind in other subjects,just today i helped out in a 2000 words essay,made me felt happy and forgot all he rest,thanks for your post and please keep strong and if you feel weak,come here,write it down,wait for someone to answer,read other guys post ,its not a waste of time ,its a gain of time and control.
Hey BBS
Just a quick hi to say you're doing amazing!!! The "bank feeling" is just the worst in the world.......going with the pit in the stomach thinking you know roughly how much should be there and hoping for a nice surprise.......but inevitably being disappointed that you've lost way more than you thought........but what a great feeling to know that we're back in control!!
I've now got that feeling about credit - no chance of a loan (not a bad thing!!!) or a credit card (again, not a bad thing)....... But every time a credit check is done I just sit waiting on the alarms to go off and the bouncers to arrive!!
Keep going girl - with you all the way.
Mr Brightside
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
