Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

Hi Blondie,

I have been so caught up in my own cr ap that I have not given enough time to the diaries. I like Rainbows completely "get it". I took antidepressants too. It's not like you need to be on them forever. Sometimes our endorphins just need a kick start. Ch- ch- ch- changes or transitional times for me always triggers panic and sometimes that "out of sorts feeling". I am not in any way tryng to minimize your feelings -- on the contrary dear Blondie. As for spewing -- well, I believe it was you -- one of the first to write on my diary who said that it was my perogative to write whatever, whenever, the good the bad and the ugly. I understand that sometimes when folks like me might say you are a true inspiration that that might cause you to feel some pressure. Like when we were in school and felt now that we have gotten "A" we must always get an "A". Please don't feel pressured to be perfect. It is your honesty, your bravery and your grace that is inspirational to me.. anyway, you will get to that doc when you feel ready. Until then I and sooooo many others are here for you!! -joanxxxx

Blondie.

You my friend are no coward, you i believe are just doing things in a way which will in your eyes hurt those folk around you the least.

well if there is one thing that recovery has taught us, it is this.

We have to look after number one, if not we hurt those folk around us even more.

your honesty about your gambling will have taught you this.

As for asking for help DO IT!! if the load is to heavy to bare, use a trolley!! there is no shame in that, believe me there is a great shame in not asking for help and guidence.

As for telling your soulmate, tell him, from what I have read he is a top bloke, he is in this for warts and all too!!

Take a step back a deep breathe and get the help you deserve.

We are all here for you, unconditionally.

No one is or should be alone and you take all the help you need.

Just for today, do something for my dear friend Christine, boy she's worth it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hun..welcome to my world ...and guess what?? you have come to the right place..

Number 1...

You're are a hottie!!..and GC folks I can vouch for this!!!!..every girl needs to hear this believe me and in this case its true !!

Number 2..

So you have an escape into gambling..so what? Im a total pain in the a** and people still love me???? and you know that..men and women!!!!!

Number 3....

You are no coward !!!! no no no ..and I would have put that first but I turned into Sasha Fierce and now toned it down to being Beyonce...lol...

Speak out Christine...Stand in your Truth...You're man is inheriting a Top Shelf... .A One off...Never to be repeated Bepsoke hand Crafted Limited Edition..boy is HE lucky..!!!

He is a lovely man.. i can tell by his pictures ... do you want to know what i see????

A beautiful man ....smiling from ear to ear ..Who cannot believe he has got you cuddling him...

Christine...He has won the lottery.. and yes...its because you are just being you...nothing else...BELIEVE IT..He cannot believe HIS luck.

Your cynical old t*@t wedding planner xxx

You are neither a coward nor a failure, that is the depression whispering in your ear telling you lies! I know this might sound daft but at counselling my daughter got taught to turn her negative/anxious side into a character, like a monster, and give him a name and a face. It became easier for her to deal with all these horrible thoughts if they were coming directly from a 'baddie' whom she could get cross at and argue with. I'm aware that I'm not 10 years old lol but I find myself doing something similar these days. If I'm having a bad day I cling to the idea that all the rubbish that pops into my head is coming directly from my 'baddie' and is therefore lies to be treated with contempt.

It seems to me it's your baddie telling you not to go to the docs lovely, because he'll lose control of you if you get better. I know it is so much easier said than done (eg I've still not been back to the swimming pool, although I'm winning other little battles) but you have to fight him. He's a b********d who wants to crush you but I know you can beat him!

Hi Blondie

I hope things are getting a bit better for you. I hope this horrid feeling is transient, strangely the rubbish feelings can lift as quickly as they arrive.

Take care of yourself

Irene

x

Thinking of you, hope you are alright.

xxx

No gambling and thats the most important thing. Everything else I will update when I am feeling a bit better . Thank you everyone for your posts and lovely messages . Blondie x

Blondie

all said and done my friend you are so right. No gambling is the important thing.

From that we can build from that platform.

It opens other windows, does not muddy the water.

Take heart from this, never lose sight, today you did better your tomorrow.

For that well done, be proud.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi B

I hope you're looking after you!

Irene

x

Evening diary,

So I made it to the doctors and she was great, really understanding and explained that how I am feeling is a chemical imbalance in my brain it's nothing to do with me not being satisfied with my life and sometimes your brain just can't recover to its normal self without some help, she has recommended that i take the tablets for a minimum of 6 months to get me back on an even keel.

She did say I could feel worse before i feel better and to give myself at least 2 weeks until I feel some benefits.. I did make the lethal mistake of googling the side effects which could of put me off for life but touch wood I haven't got any up to now.

So this week for me will consist of doing what I want to do when I want to do it I am putting no pressure on myself .

No gambling for me and it will remain that way when I started my recovery from gambling I promised on my dads memory that I would not gamble and although it has been really difficult the past few weeks I have kept that promise to myself.

Gambling never was and never will be the answer.

Take care all, stay strong.

Blondie xxx

Hi there

so glad you made it to the dr's and that you are getting the support you need.

Hope you start to feel the benefits very soon, take care of yourself and so strong to have managed it all without gambling, be proud.

xxx

Hi Blondie.

Glad to hear you are a little more settled in yourself and it hasn't affected your brilliant abstinence!. I got my results back today and apparrently the doc needs to see me! I haven't been myself for the past six months (besides the obvious) I think/hope it is hormones!!

Look after (and in the words of the lovely Blondie) be kind to yourself.

Feb.x

Like many others on here you are an inspiration to me. Your recent kind words gave me the incentive to return to here rather than gamble so I hope not only do you keep not gambling but your outlook brightens. I'm keeping gamble free thanks to you.

Hi B

I don't think I've ever disagreed with you or your views. However, todays a 1st!! You said you are doing "okay"- uh, uh......you are doing absolutely brilliantly. You are fighting this gambling malarky day by day and winning. You continue to support others unconditionally despite feeling low. I know you do all this as well as assume the mum, partner, employee etc roles as well.

In my book, that's so much better then "doing okay"!!!! To quote someone special..."I hope you are very proud of what you've achieved".

Irene

x

Another gamble free day , I think my resolve to fight gambling is something I need to take with me and fight this black cloud that is over my head at the moment.

I have always been strong even when I am dying on the inside the strong mask has always held fast, I still feel like a failure and I suppose that's something I need to keep working on, I know it's me who has set the bar so high and I said at the beginning of my diary I need to continue to lower it.

It's ok to be vulnerable, it's ok to ask for help, I won't always feel like this .

I am 5 days into my tablets and feel a bit spaced out , a legal high lol, the doctor did say about 2 weeks to feel the effects but I do feel a little lighter today, long may that last, the washing machine head is on a slow spin at the moment which is better than what has been.

Tomorrow is another day .

Take care all and thank you as always for your support .

Blondie xxx