Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

Another day that won't involve gambling and that's just how I like it.

Today is super soul Sunday a day I will catch up on own (oprahs great television network). Some inspiring stuff to feed the soul and challenge the mind.

Off to mums later for sunday lunch and just about to have a nice omelette made by my eldest princess.

Things are a little,strained with my fiancé he has been down south for a few weeks now getting his house ready to go on the market I think he feels I have left him in the lurch with it, but with all that has gone on the past few weeks, my mum and my leg I have had to make the choice I thought was right for me and

my mum, suppose he will just have to get over it.

Suppose also I will have to stop feeling guilty after all there is only one of me and I can't split myslef in two.

Today I will accept the things I can not change

Take care all

Blondie limping along but still standing,

Xxx

The honourable ms. Blondie.

"follow the bear"

Enough said.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Blondie,

Glad your doing good, hope your feeling better, you definitely made the right choice! Congrats on your outstanding achievement in sobriety.

Chicagoguy

Hi Blondie,

Thank you for your post on my diary the other day - very much appreciated.

Keep sticking those recovery days together, it's inspiring stuff. I hope I can do the same too.

ODAAT!!

Keep strong

MW x

Hi Blondie,

thanks so much for your post on my diary, I have just been catching up on yours and it seems you have had a tough time of it recently. I would like to give you two more extra strength pieces of armour to add to your suit or armour as by not giving in you have made yourself stronger.

Keep busy, rest that leg and cruise in for your year gamble free, do not underestimate this achievement Blondie it is massive and you deserve it more than words describe.

Take care

Paulds

Well done Blondie

As my year gamble free approaches I find myself asking what next? How can I continue to heal , grow and change as a person once I am past my first milestone, so today I have arranged a initial private consultation for some therapy sessions, I think this will help me as some days I still feel completly lost.

Being lost is not a good place to be, I need to start to remove the thorns from my paw in real life my diary has helped me get to this point where I am ready to talk about my thorns and try and heal myself, forgive myself,,and start to feel again.

I have felt almost numb At times over the past 2 years and I know my dads death and my grief councelling stirred up a lot of un finished business that I need to deal with once and for all.

I posted a great quote from theodore rosevelt on flags diary today , I also think its apt for me

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

TIME TO STEP INTO THE ARENA BLONDIE

Thank you for,the posts everyone.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Hey Blondie,

Love that post you did on the quote from Theodore Rosevelt, I think that apts for me also. Congrats on your outstanding achievement!

Chicagoguy

The urge to gamble is strong today but my will to fight it is stronger.

I am afraid this will be a long post which might include some ranting so reader beware lol.

I missed my fiancées birthday on Saturday I thought it was Monday I feel terrible that I got it wrong and I think for him it's the straw that broke the camels back, he feels unsupported with him being down south working on his house and me being up north which I understand and I have tried to support him as best I can visiting after my operation and also at Easter , but that was when I ripped my muscle in my leg so wasn't much use but that was beyond my control.

In the past 5 weeks that he has been there I'm sure he thinks I have been sat around doing nothing, I had my operation to deal with and recover from, he went skiing for a week, then my mum had a heart attack and the following week was diagnosed with breast cancer, then I hurt my leg.

Am I being unreasonable in saying that I also feel unsupported ? I made the decision to stay here and support my mum, if that's wrong then so be it.

I made the decision to stay here because although its been over a year since my dad died I am still grieving about this and also trying to bat worries and thoughts away that I am going to lose my mum.

I made the decision to stay here because I couldn't f*****g drive because of my leg.

I made the decision to stay here because being here for my mum was more important to me than sanding f*****g skirting boards down.

What part of unsupported am I not getting ?

I understand he is doing it for us and feels he is doing it on his own, I understand that he feels hurt and upset that I missed his birthday, I get all that, but if he was confident in our love then he would no it is totally out of character and shows where my head is at at this moment in time. It was not intentional, I

Messed up and I have said I'm truly sorry for that.

I have felt his distance and resentment down the phone for a number of weeks but he chose not to talk about it.

And he is asking advice from 2 of his friends who were kicking the s**t out of each other a few months ago, they have met me twice and don't even know me and are probably not best placed to give relationship advice .

Arrrrrgggg I just want to scream.

Now he won't talk to me and has ignored me for 2 days ?

w*f is the only words that spring to mind.

Xxx

Hi Blondie

Sorry to hear about what's been going on for you. Just for today Blondie - think about yourself. If we are not good in ourselves, we are not best equipped to help out others. So just for today - Blondie is going to look after number one!!

Remembering both you and your mum in my prayers.

Take care.

Feb.xx

Blondie.

My dear friend step back take a deep breathe.

Everything that has happened has piled up like a brick wall, it is time to smash it down, i lived away from home for six years through work and it is hard to maintain a relationship, but it is truly worth it. Those amazing posts over the new year were fantastic to read and life dealt you the rewards of your hard work, then as life does a spanner or two got thrown in the mix, take heart my dear friend you faced them all square in the face and are dealing with them in a manner that will i know again reward you.

As i said to the honourable Flagg yesterday you are laying a foundation, a solid structure to build on. Look on the flip side, your family grow strong with you, your mum is in the best hands and you have a partner whom you will spend a happy life with.

It will happen, not all tomorrow, that trait all of us share the want for things yesterday, but it will all come together.

And without doubt it has been made possible because you made it possible. I know to end that your dad will be looking down one proud proud man.

Never give up, you are doing something amazing and there will be many more celebrations ahead.

Just for today "BELIEVE" (thanks Lucy;) )

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Blondie

Thanks for the post and for reading my diary and great to read that you are approaching a year gamble free.

I certainly cant have controlled bets on random events in a bookmakers shop, that has been my downfall and thats what I'm trying to eliminate - everything I do in there on random events I end up out of control eventually.

I can have controlled bets on advance sports (confimed to Football at the moment after eliminating all other sports). Just get a football coupon, make selections at home and go in and place the bet. Always thought out and always with stakes which are affordable. As you say each to their own. My problem is that bets on football alone dont seem to be enough at times and I go and do random gambling as an escape. Football betting is a genuine interest and a controlled hobby. Random gambling is my vice, my drug, my escape from reality.

Like you I have been involved in out of control gambling for over 20 years and need to stop.

I'm just not sure I want to wake up every day and think 'I musnt do this today' as if its so bad and a sin and it makes me a bad person. Rather just say 'I hope not to do this again' and put it out of my mind and hopefully the days become weeks, months etc. until I dont do it again but without beating myself up about it if I slip up one day in a while. Slipping up one day in a while is better than doing it every day.

Totally agree with you about not hiding behind gambling. I need to address the issues which I have been hiding from somehow.

Also agree that gambling is not the answer but also I have found a mix of days I wonder how I would have got through without gambling or looking forward to gambling of some sort. There are days where my work has improved on the back of a good win whereas although I have obviously had substantial losses and the odd negative impact on work, overall gambling has not affected my work or health.

It has of course affected my financial status and my friends and family and I regret that immensely.

Sorry to ramble on a bit on your diary, sometimes benefits to type my thoughts on here and some days they come easier than others.

Keep up the good work.

Hi Blondie

Best way to pour everything out getting it off ur chest it always help , life is always goin to throw s**t at us and ultimately only we can deal with it

I take so much hope and inspiration from u and despite my own downfalls I'm so pleased ur holding it all together and fighting and continuing to win ur battle

Take care

Castle2

Hey lovely..

Am emerging from my selfish funk and reading again...answer...no your not asking too much you have both got a lot on your plate .....the word is timing...its just a shame that you are both in need of support but cant help each other right now....

..

The distance doesnt help but that will be resolved soon...xxx

I think the counselling is a good idea as it allows you to unburden guilt free...and also meetings just to feel the support and identification...im being pretty rubbish as a pal right now as I am distracted and went into a hole ..but I am also here...

I hope know that no matter how ugly my feelings get on here and general life crapola.... I am able to set all my s**t to one side and pull my head ouf of my a** and be there for you....as we have more to chat about than gambling ...xxx

You know your always welcome hun ....R and D xxxx

Ps...blown away about exes mum reading ...shes amazing xx

Blondie,

Big thanks for your post on my diary, which I really appreciated.

I've been scanning back through the recent posts on your diary - sorry to hear you are obviously going through a rough time right now. What Duncs says is right... sometimes there's a need to step back and take a deep breath; to re-evaluate where everything stands and try (if it's possible) to not let things get on top of you.

You describe being 'lost'... it's something I can relate to every day - both in action and abstinence. Let 'not gambling' be the anchor upon which you steady yourself. Keeping the beast at bay can often seem like nothing - like it doesn't deserve any reward. It is only when it disappears (when we give into gambling urges) that we realise the stability it was providing - and we crave its return.

Living apart from your partner can not be easy, particularly when there is so much going on in both of your lives. Try to respect his need to feel 'wronged' or 'un-supported', because, whilst your needs are evidently that much more serious, and require more attention, human nature is not rational, and he may feel some right to be hurt over your missing his birthday. The temptation here is to rant and rave - to complain about being un-supported. Of course, you are completely within your rights to do this, but that may only serve to drive an even greater wedge into your relationship.

I say this because other people's difficulties sometimes seem trivial to me. When my fiancee complains of a tough time at work, or some arguments with friends/colleagues, I think to myself "You think you've got problems?! I've got a gambling/drug addiction, am trapped in a job I hate with debt I can barely imagine ever clearing. What are you moaning about?!" But by dismissing her emotional needs (however insignificant I think they are, I am only making us drift further apart). All you can do is apologise for missing his birthday, explain that you are going through a difficult time, and that you both need eachother's love and support.

Anyway, I've rambled on there. Hope it's useful in some respect.

Keep fighting.

D123