Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

Another week gamble free and a nice relaxed weekend to re-charge the batteries, last week in work then 2 weeks off and frantically trying to find a last minuet holiday somewhere hot this weekend is proving difficult.

I watched "MIcheal" over the weekend john travalta plays an angel, it was one of my dads favourite films but i have never seen it and i must admit it absolutly broke my heart.

There is a sceen where he brings a dog back to life, and for some reason it hit me so hard.

It wasnt because of the dog it was more it transported me back to the night my dad died .

I remember when they transfered him to critical care i was lying down in the waiting room and looking down the corridor to his room , praying for a miracal or an angel to come and save him and yet i have always told myself i dont beleive in god, I prayed so hard that night and it never happeend, the film took me back to that night and afterwards i was really angry.

I was angry that there are no angels,

I was angry that if there is a god he deserted me that night

I was angry that I love disney films and happy endings and actually life isnt like that all the time.

I suppose in a way I grew up that night, I am not different and special and neither was my dad, He died because thats life and my praying and hoping was never going to change that.

I let go some more of my pain, and i suppose i accept it and understand it more than i did.

It is what it is.... Deal with it .

Blondie xxx

Hey b!

Love hearing that strong, determined voice coming through in your posts. You went through a lot with your mums cancer amongst other things, and although things like that break our hearts as we go through them - by god are they good levellers! Make us realise the other stuff just doesn't matter.

Hope you enjoy your holiday, and get your batteries recharged good and proper!

f x

Blondie....

I appreciate your post... i know it's my diary and i have right to put down all my feels...it simply helps me on this journey, i might go ott...but it's just me.....

Thank you...i wish you all the best...(truly with tears in my eyes i wish you to get out of this disturbing disease.....i believe in you..

Please take care

(((((((((B))))))))))

Sandra x

Like most people on here I have read hundreds of diary’s, I read at least one post in the new members forum every day to serve as a reminder to myself of where I once was .

I can honestly say that in all the posts I have read I have never made any judgement about that person or what they have written, I too am a compulsive gambler, I am imperfect and I have done some terrible things at the cost to others which was driven by my addiction.

I accept responsibility for that, I never would of when I was gambling, it was everyone else's fault.

I also accept responsibility for my decisions now and I know that I don’t ever want to be the selfish, self-centred individual I was when I gambled.

In the 15 months that I have had my recovery diary, I have posted about my entire life, the past, the present, the future, my dreams, my fears, my hopes, my feelings, my family, my childhood , my job, but most of all I have posted about how I have and am changing, How with a clear conscious and a clear mind I can see how my thinking was so warped when I gambled.

I have pushed myself to do things that terrified me, I have tackled my debt, I have taken off the mask of lies that i wore, I have had conversations with people that I have never had, I have opened up to the people I love in a way I could never have done before.

Each day I am changing in how I think, In how I react, In my perception of myself and more importantly my understanding of myself.

For me this embodies RECOVERY, we can all stop gambling and hold on for dear life, but that isn’t recovery....

Recovery for me was about opening my eyes, ears, mind and heart , its about personal growth, Responsibility, and change.

Another day in recovery......... and for that I am truly grateful.

Blondie xxx

Hi Ya Blondie,

Awesome post! I'm still trying to "get up that great big hill of hope for a destination." Four Non-Blondes great song called What's Going On? ((((B))))) -joanxxx

Keep walking the walk my friend....head held high and as always a true shining example of recovery day at a time xxxx

Hey Blondie, thanks for the post on my diary, in the end I opted for an Oreo milkshake! Feel a bit sick now though 🙁 Hope you get a holiday sorted, I am sure you are looking forward to getting away xxx

Sun is shining 🙂 Just in time for my 2 weeks off work...Yeah right lol....

Anways I dont care , I will be off work and ..... MY MUM is home tomorrow, I have missed her so much.

I had the mad urge to gamble last night, Not had thoughts like that for a while but Im not stupid and know that no matter how well i think im doing the urges will always be there im an addict and should never forget that.

Rewind 15 months I would of been up till the early hours of the morning, doing my nut in, fast forward 15 months, I went to bed and started a new book and mentally told the urges to f*** off lol...

Worked for me 🙂

No gambling today. That will do for me.

thanks for the posts all.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Yep ....tell em to f**k off as that's where those gremlin urges belong..

Good for you for having balls o steel ...xx

Thanks Ms Blondie!

Take care

Irene

x

Hello Blondie,

Thank you for your posts on my diary, i appreciate it a lot.

And about urges....tell me about them...i just get a bat and slam it over their greedy faces lol....something Duncs once suggested to me, so i just use an advice:-)

Anything what works for you, is a step further to freedom.

Fantastic achievement Blondie, keep up good work, you deserve all the best.

Have lovely few weeks off, no matter what weather as long as you enjoying yourself and staying in safe suroundings:-)

Day at a time

Best wishes

Sandra x

Hi Blondie

I remember you from last year and spoke to you in chat a few times. Unfortunately after a period of abstaining I made the mistake of thinking just a little flutter won't hurt then wham I am back to square one with gambling controlling my world, my finances and worst of all my time. I am so very pleased you are doing so well and I know how much support you give to others in here. You are an inspiration! Keep strong.

Forwards not back

Jewels x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLYECIjmnQs

Failure is simply a stepping stone to success.

Blondie xxx

Blondie.

Great to see you about the forum dishing out some great advice and support on both sides of the fence.

The rewards of abstinence are never ending and I am glad you are still reaping yours.

I am so proud of this.

I salute you my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Blondie... well done on telling those urges to f**k off!... 15 months plus is a great achievement, well done and keep going.. regards... S.A 🙂