Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

Ello sweetie,

Sounds like you need a something monday to go along with your treat thursday maybe? Anything that might make mondays a little bit less of a low.

Urges seem to be being passed around between us like a baton at the moment. I would say I'm glad to be free of them for a while but not if it means one of my friends has to have them instead! I know you will but keep yourself safe if you're feeling vulnerable won't you. This too will pass and there's another lovely weekend just around the corner. The sun might even shine for you this time (its been so cold here!) so you just hang on in there.

Sending huge hugs, strength and the offer of an ear if you need to have a rant. x

Blondie,

You are doing really well. Keep it up. I find it goes in peaks and troughs but getting easier all the time. The peaks and troughs even out into a straight line upwards, if you know what I mean.

You mentioned contemplating going to a GA meeting?... Is there one near you that you can attend in person? If so, I'd really recommend it. It's not for everyone but I get a lot out of it and my wife used to go to Gamanon until fairly recently too.

Be strong and don't let the gambling industry take your life back off you.

Brian

Hi ya,

You have done brilliantly today, the urges are soooooo annoying , but all just part of this crazy addiction. We all heve had them , it's not the getting them that we should focus on. It is how we deal with them , every time you bash one away with Ducans gambling stick you grow stronger. I almost relish having them, as a reminder that I must not get complacent.

Carry on getting stronger , who needs spinage when you've got urges lol.

You probably won't read this until the morning, so let me be the first to say, I hope you have a really nice day .

Dusty xxxxx

Hey blondie, how are you chic? Dunno why but I've got a bit of a hunch that something isn't quite right. You're quite welcome to tell me off if I'm worrying over nothing but just incase I'm right I'm sending an extra large {hug}. x

Day 29

Wow yesterday was a real tough one, worst one so far in the 29 days, your hunch was nearly right littlebit, If i could of gambled last night i think i would but my blocks didnt allow me to, i had this little voice in my head saying, go on treat yourself you have come this far you can control it now ". Well i didnt give in, Im not listening to that voice anymore its enticed me and told me lies for the past 20 years, im listening to ME now, the ME i have found since i stopped gambling.

Just come back from my 3rd councelling session and i always feel like a car crash victim when i come out but i cant tell you how many "light bulb" moments i have had in all of the sessions.

Its now not just about my grief for my dad, its moved on to other things, an abusive relationship that i had been in in the past, my guilt, my reasons why everything has to be perfect, my relationship with my eldest daughter, but its all good and i know its really helping me, its just hard to deal with the fall out the sessions leave.

I think today is going to be another tough day as i already want to run to my gambling crutch to make it better, but instead im going to go and sit in the garden with a book and try and take my mind of that nagging little voice in my head.

Thank you once again everyone for all your posts its really appreciated , it keeps me strong and always gives me some food for thought.

Today i might have to do one hour at a time, but I will not give in, Just for today i will not gamble.

Blondie day 29 x

Be strong Blondie, gambling is never the answer to our problems however persuasive they may seem. Gambling is like being in an abusive relationship, you put so much in and all you take out is misery, leaving you feeling worthless. You're worth better than that. Whatever today brings promise yourself that you won't gamble, one day at a time. You've done brilliantly to get this far but old wounds are open and your initial response was to hide away through gambling. You're wiser now and stronger. Take care, Steve

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but I'm so proud of you! Don't get me wrong as of course it's great that you've done so well up until now but at some point or other we are all going to hit 'the wall' and it's what happens then that shows whether we are really determined to do this or not IMO.

As you know I've hit 'the wall' a couple times recently in spectacular style but these past two days I've felt quite calm and that I'm sure I'm getting from the knowledge that I keep breaking through those walls and moving forward. Now you know that too - you had your worst day, the ultimate test (and today might not be a walk in the park either) but you are still gamble free. It doesn't matter if it is only because of blocks because it was you who put those blocks there in the first place!

Do look after yourself, get some sun, read your book, take it minute by minute if need be but hang in there cos next comes the lovely calm and the pride in yourself that you really are moving on.

Take care hun. x

Hi Blondie,

Sorry 2 read u have been finding it hard the last couple of days. I can really relate to something u said in ur last post.

The fact that u r facing the reasons u gambled head on makes u a very strong person 🙂

Well done on the 29 days gamble free, u r doing gr8! U should be sooo proud or urself 🙂

U did gr8 2 resist the urges, u can do this!

I know u can 🙂

Stay strong and keep going xx

Hi Blondie,

Well Done on keeping them buggers at bay and not giving in!

You come across as a really strong caring person who is helping so many of us and hopefully we can give a little back when times are tough for you

I know it feels dreadful as have had my fair share but also know they will pass if we remain strong just as you are doing 🙂

Be proud Blondie that you are still bet free and continue to make the right choices for you!

Keep Strong it will pass

Lucy xxxx

Hi Blondie,

Im ashamed to say that the demon got the better of me today.

Im sorry, so ashamed of myself.

Stay strong, fight the good fight.

Thank you for all youve said and done for me.

Cameron - back to #1 🙁

Hi Blondie, and thanks for your post on my diary... it is very much appreciated.

I know everybody's recovery is personal and different, each stemming from very different origins, but I find some aspects of yours mirroring mine. I think it was around 30 days that I nearly gave in to temptation, and if it were not for the blocks then I most definitely would have done it.... but the next day I felt stronger. I know that it will probably happen again.. if not in the next week, month or year.. but it will happen. Because of this I know I have to build a new type of life... if it was the old one that put me in this predicament, then if I stay in it.. how can I expect myself not to repeat the same mistakes. I am not doing this quickly though... one small step at a time.

I think that living with the problem must not be confused with living in the problem. My slight worry is that spending so much time on here actually, aswell as the obvious positives, can mean there is never a break in "thinking" about it... and that is so draining. I know I need to start balancing out certain aspects of my life now... slowly again... but being aware of the pitfalls in every action..

I hope you can remain strong... The counselling seems to be helping you a lot in some ways.... being on here helps a lot... the rest of the time coping with this problem... we need a break sometimes... like reading your book. So I guess what I'm saying is.. people shouldn't be afraid or feel guilty for creating time away from the problem... if it is possible to do so.

Sorry to go on.. I know it probably sounds confusing... but think about yourself as much as possible to create the you that doesn't have these feelings anymore.

Still went on further... unbelievable once I'm on a roll.

Take care

Jon

Hey Blondie,

Well I banged on a bit to you on Sunday about 'coasting' and the threat of bigger challenges ahead and then lo and behold I read you are having to fight off some huge urges to gamble!! I half felt bad because I almost felt I had sent them your way in a crazy sorta way!

However, your posts the last couple of days have been brilliant it's like you have said ok send me the test then and ill show what I can do, pass the test with flying colours, A star, top of the class!

I hope the period of calm returns for you now though 🙂 I wouldn't fancy fighting the urge every day it would be tiring!!

Stay strong, keep inspiring, and keep finding the YOU you want to be!!

Flagg

Hi Blondie, thanks so much for you post on my diary, your words mean so much.

I am back to #1 and Im gutted that I caved in, but Im gonna try again, hopefully yesterdays fall was a 1 off.

You're doing amazing on your journey, you're a very valued friend to many on here. You've always got time for everyone, you say such positive and constuctive things, you have a huge heart and that shows so much in your posts.

Stay strong hun, onwards 'n' upwards.

Have a great gamble free day

All the best

Cameron

day 30

Well i never thought i would reach this day a few days ago, its been tough to say the least but im still here, hanging on for dear life !!!!

My councelling appointment day is always tough, I come out feeling like i have been 10 rounds with mike tyson and yesterday was no different.

I never realised what a mess I was, or should i say i never realised the stuff that i had buried and not dealt with and how that affects me years later and if im honest it terrifies me, i feel like im fighting things on all fronts at the moment and i dont know up from down, but i suppose i have to take the advice that i give and carry on and know that eventually this will pass.

I had a big arguement with my boyfriend last night and we didnt speak last night for the first time in 2.5 years and today i suppose i just feel numb, I feel dishonest that i didnt tell him that i have been off work for as long as i have but then i also felt that i wasnt ready to open up this gaping wound that i have to him yet because i just feel so vunerable, and from past experience i learnt to not show that because i got hurt.

I know i have to go through this to come out the otherside, and my counceller said yesterday "Why do you feel that you have to carry the guilt for someone elses actions" a powerfull question and i suppose the simple answer is i dont.

So today i take responsibility for my actions and for the impact that has on me and other people and i let go of the guilt, the shame, the not worthy feeling and i start to forgive myself.

I havent been in a good place mentally for the last 6 weeks or so my doctor prescribed me anti depressents 4 weeks ago and i havent taken them, i wanted to try the councelling first and see if i could get better that way, I KNOW its helping me, I KNOW i cant take the easy option out and gamble, and i KNOW i have to face this head on.

I am going to attempt my first G.A meeting tomorrow someone said its like gamcare "Live", I am so serious about beating this addiction and getting myself well i will try anything.

So onwards and upwards, or 3 steps backwards, im not going anywhere gambling demons, Im here and im ready to take the next step.

Blondie day 30 x

hi blondie00,

thanks for your post on my diary, wish you good luck with the GA meeting, i m attending them since february(in greece) and i m very satisfied from the work that is done there.

take care

mike