I have returned to start yet another recovery diary.
I have tried to beat gambling several times over the last 6 years, with limited success.
I have changed my name this time to Shadow, as that is exactly what I feel like. A shadow of the lively outgoing sociable person I once was.
My compulsive gambling follows a familiar pattern. Win or lose, there is always another bet to be had. Chasing losses has now become the norm for me too.
I get little or no enjoyment from gambling these days, just a repetitive cycle of sadness draining my money and self-worth in equal measures.
I do not return here looking for pity. Just strength and support in the hope that I can somehow arrest this steady slide into destruction.
I remember that taking things 'One day at a time ' worked for me once, when I had a 4 month 'clean' period away from gambling.
I have to put those blocks back in place and be honest enough with myself to not cave in to the urges that will surely come.
Keeping strong just for a day is enough to start with.....
Have to get back to some kind of normality. Gambling changes me into an automaton.
Thanks for listening.
Shadow
Well, here goes again.
I have relapsed again since I first posted. Was a tad disappointed not to get any response to my first post and watched my diary drift to Page 3.
I guess I felt a bit sorry for myself and after attempting to start my recovery, I just reverted back to gambling.
My relapse was a succession of losses and another chase, that ironically ended up with a big win ( or should I say, a loan back from the bookies). Not that it really matters in the large scheme of things anyway. Gambling is gambling at the end of the day, and when you do it to the extent and desperate state that I do it always ends in defeat.
"I cannot win, because I cannot stop" as one of my old friends on this forum used to say.
I hope that I can control my compulsion.
Shadow
Hi shadow,
Sory to hear about your recent relapse, but well done for coming back fighting.
This addiction is sly, and it takes much determination to arrest it. Day at a time worked for you before, I am sure you can try the same approach. Don't beat yourself up for recent blip, stand up, dust yourself down and start again. Never give up giving up.
I suppose you know about blocks you can put to restrict ur habit. To help you to control those emotions which comes with urges. Do you have blocks on computer? Did yoy self excluded yourself from all the sites/bookies, did you pass your finances to someone you trust for a time being?
You know you are not on your own, and if you find yourself struggling, ..log in, read, post. You can contact GC which are always ready to talk things through and help to find coping strategies on that tough time.
I wish you well on your journey
Day at a time
Stay strong
Sandra
Hi Shadow
As you are fully aware there is plenty of support on this website! The secret to success is get involved with everything and everyone on here. Some things you may like some things you may not but take from it what you will. This is your space for your recovery so get on board. I think that I have worked out your past recovery diary but that really doesn't matter. We have today and that is all that matters. By coming back you have shown that this forum works. You know that self exclusion is the best way forward so it is up to you to put this addiction where it firmly belongs which is not in your life but along side so as you can keep an eye on it. Get posting Shadow I'm sure you have plenty to offer by way of support to others. This can be done!
Take care
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