Getting my life back

Hi jm

Just wanted to say good luck with today. I am still getting my own head around recovery (64 days) so I am far from an expert but I know the first few days and weeks and the milestones I found within those were the hardest. You have made some great steps in coming here, admitting your problem, and taking remedial action - it is clear that you *want* to give up gambling (which is again a key thing I think as all the K9 and Gamblock filters in the world, great as they are, are just aids to recovery not answers in or of themselves). If it helps, I had largely the same problem as you (online casinos, played in secret, and all that goes along with that) and I definitely found that whilst compulsive gambling was a new concept for me to understand, the initial step was the same as for any other behaviour you want to change - you have to break the habitual cycle that facilitates / allows it. Once I had gone through the first couple of weeks I definitely found that I was able to cope better and the urges to gamble started to gradually reduce, as normality gradually started to increase.

I can completely identify with the notion of "money losing its worth" online. I had a similar conversation with Skeletor about this recently. For me online casinos were dangerous in a lot of ways but the most prevalent of these were 1) complete accessibility. From the combination of laptop/desktop/phone I was essentially "in" a casino 24/7. I was gambling; at work, in cars, on planes, at home whilst watching TV, in bed, even whilst on the loo (TMI i know). This meant that whenever and wherever I was if there was even the briefest urge to gamble... it could be instantly answered. 2) as you suggest, out there in the ether nothing seems real. I would often have sessions where I would *only* deposit £60 ... but I would do that say 14 times, until I "won" or hit the features I was looking for, sometimes I would not "win" at all. At the time, even as I typed in my security code and watched the approval of another £60, it was just numbers, just another small shot in the vein to keep me spinning there was a nagging in the back of my mind about what the numbers meant, but the gambling numbness stopped that from being anything tangible... then you're playing again, until those numbers count down to zero - then the cycle repeats. Until such time as I forcibly dragged my head out of whatever device was running the online software, or the last embers of consciousness faded and sleep took me, or occasionally I "won" .....until then, the numbers just had a surreal quality, it was only at that point that I suddenly added up the cost, and realised Ive thrown away £840 or whatever amount that particular nights disaster had meant. It was only then, that I would feel the crushing anxiety and shame, the guilt at "having done it again", and begin to remember the true value of money. I realised later that it wasnt even the monetary value of money I should have been remembering, it was what I could and should have been doing with that money - that stake could have been money paid off debt, a day out for my family, a payment towards the christmas my family deserves, etc etc. It is ugly, but gambling makes you forget these things. As you say, we need to relearn the value of money.

A few of the important pieces of advice I was given by those more experienced in their recovery when I joined, which really helped me put into perspective what I am attempting to achieve are:

1) As a compulsive gambler, for us there is no "winning". Duncan's mantra of "we cannot win because we cannot stop" is incredibly direct in its simple truth. This was put another way to me also - "a compulsive gambler NEVER wins, all we ever do is generate stake money for our next session" this struck a nerve with me when I was having one of my more lucid moments a few days into recovery. It is *so* true. In order to truly win, you would need to either 1) deposit enough stake money to generate a win, then be lucky enough for that win to be of a large enough size in your head (mine varied) to be a "big enough win to stop". AND THEN NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN. or 2) keep doing 1 consistently. Neither of those two things is either likely or possible for a normal person, let alone any of us that have become embroiled in compulsive gambling.

2) You have to let the money go. What you have lost cannot be won back. The bookmaker has it now, in his rancid little paws. The financial guilt and shame are hard to bear, so too obviously are the associated debt repayments (you have done well to stop before you have these) but whatever happens - the money cannot be "won back". You have to live with it, and the epiphany I had in terms of the financial damage I had done let alone the emotional damage meant admitting to myself I had been biblically stupid, I had to understand that i had done the equivalent of repeatedly slamming my own head in a car door, even though I knew it hurt. Personally I still struggle with this, I am an idiot - and now I have to make good the financial damage but nonetheless I have to let that money go.

Anyway. I am waffling on, I just wanted to let you know that people that empathise deeply with your situation are reading your diary and wishing you well with your recovery. Keep making these entries and whenver you feel low, or gambling seems a good idea for whatever brief period of time ... come back here, read your diary entries and those of others.

Stay strong and all the best.

FM.

Hi all, don't really know where to start but I,m desperate for help to stop gambling for good.

First of like to say thanks to FM for your words, encouragement and advice. Reading and re-reading your post has been a huge source of support to me over the last 12 days. And I hope your recovery is still going well.

Booboo - I hope you're still here. I'm only new to this myself and only at the very beginning of my recovery, so I'm not sure how much help I can be to you. I can try, but I also think you need the support and advice of those further down the line to help guide you as well. Good luck

Unfortunately what should have been day 12 for me today returned to day 0 at around 5pm.

I'm unbelievably annoyed with myself. After a barney with the other half (not gambling or money related) the first thing I did is sign up to another online casino. 200 quid gone, did I win, of course not. I didn't even have any money in my account, just used my entire overdraft instead. Now I'll have to physically make the trip to the bank to hand over the cash that I've been so carefully and proudly not spending. Brilliant.

I wish I could understand what is wrong with me. I wouldn't throw 200 quid randomly into a bin so why on earth do I keep giving it to casinos? I just can't make sense of it, all logic and reason flies out the window. Absolute madness.

Anyway, enough self pity what's done is done and what's lost is lost. I almost made 12 days so it's a decent start (in the grand scheme of my gambling addiction) and I am going to give myself some credit for it. Today has been a blip. Long term plans are obviously not my thing and it's going to have to be one day at a time from here on in.

So positive steps since my last loss - I'm going to emphasise the word loss as much as I can because I always ultimately lose even when I win.

1)I've self excluded from the new casino.

2)I now have no money left in my account so I'm physically unable to gamble anything, other than with credit cards or joint account money and that's a whole new ball game that I cannot let myself get into. I've accidentally dropped the cards behind a cabinet that I can't move on my own - just to be on the safe side, for the moment at least.
3)I've come back to post in my diary which I'm going to force myself to make a daily habit of, whether I have anything to report or not.

Fingers crossed I'll be back tomorrow to report the first 24 hours have been gambling free

I'm pleased to report that I'm over 24 hours free, and although apprehensive about the rest of the night I will make it to the end of day 1.

I'd be lying if I said I'd had no urge to gamble today. I've thought about it from the moment I got up. I dreamt about slots last night and the thoughts have never really left. Even sitting typing this my favourite games and big wins are racing through my head. That horrible little voice is there telling me 'today will be the day you'll win that life changing amount.' I know it's not and I know I won't. I'm desperately trying to listen to the fully functioning part of my brain telling me not to be so d**n stupid and even if I did win big I'd lose it all again anyway so why bother trying.

Luckily I've left myself no means to be able to do anything about it. I decided against clearing my overdraft when I couldn't shake the compulsion to gamble early on this morning. I hate hate hate giving my money to the banks through overdraft charges (ridiculous I know, considering the amount I've handed over freely to casinos over the years) but I've decided to take the hit this month. The £23 I'll owe them for keeping my account overdrawn until payday has got to be a better alternative to having another £200 available to lose in a moment of weakness.

I know the urge to gamble probably isn't going to leave tonight. I'm home alone and that's usually when I make deposit after deposit after deposit. But, thankfully tonight I can't. My account is completely empty and the cards I could use are still 'lost' behind the cabinet. So, I'm going to have to just push through it. Stick the tv on and hope a few back to back episodes of Chicago Fire can give me something else to think about.

So that's it for tonight, hopefully I'll be able to report tomorrow that day 2 has been completed successfully

Day 2 is almost complete and I'm in no doubt I'll see today through.

Instead of watching tv last night I ended up reading other recovery diaries for hours. I started with Sabine's - Charly's life. I don't have the words to do this amazing lady justice so I'm not going to try. If ever times get tough this is the diary I'll read over and over again.

I read many many more after that, each as heartbreaking as the next. I'll not lie, the tears just wouldn't stop. Not for myself but for the many many people out there whose lives have been completely destroyed by this devastating, seemingly unexplainable addiction. The stories have stuck with me all day. I feel as though my own problems pale into insignificance compared to what others are living with. Yes I have a problem, but I still have my health, my home, my partner, my family, my job. Nobody knows my secret and hopefully that's the way it can stay. I've lost a lot of money but I don't owe any. What I've lost can be regained over time. Compared to so many others, I've really lost very little.

That's not to say I won't or can't. There's only circumstances making me any different to those who have lost so much. Each story could still so easily be me if I don't change and I'm counting my blessings that I've been so lucky this far.

I truly truly hope each and every person wrestling with there demons can win in the end.

Today I didn't gamble and today I didn't want to.

J

Today is going to be an early entry and just a quick one. I'm going to be with the other half pretty much all day so there'll be no opportunities to gamble. But I'm pleased to say again today (at least right now) I have no desire for it. I've read a few more diary entries and I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness at the destruction gambling addiction causes to so many people.
I can't believe I was so naive to think that I was the only one who couldn't control it. From reading a few small paragraphs it's amazing how much you can learn about people you don't know from the smallest details they write. People of all ages, backgrounds, trapped in this cycle of hell. It's a fight we can only win ourselves yet somehow we're all in it together. I can't offer any advice but I can show my support and solidarity, to anyone that stumbles across my diary, by striving to make every day gambling free.

Today is day 3 and today I will not gamble

J

Hi J

Lovely post

Well done in 3 days, Enjoy your gambling free day

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, hope your day has been a good one.

Just checking in whilst I've got half an hour on my own.
2 weeks ago I'd have used that half hour to have a few quick spins. Not today though and I'm pleased to say I'm not tempted to either.

Had some fab news this afternoon from my auntie. She's been given her 5 years all clear of the big C and discharged from her consultant. I can't describe how pleased I am that I could be given that news while being gambling free. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment and realised just how many times someone has told me their good or bad news and I've never really bothered to give that person the respect or time they deserved all because I've been to distracted by whatever loss I've just inflicted upon myself. I feel totally ashamed of myself.

I can't change the way I've behaved in the past, I can only change the way I behave in the future.

Today my auntie has beaten cancer, and I am 3 days gambling free

J

I'm not having a good day today. Had to tell my Mam and Dad something I knew they really didn't want to hear. I'm so soft when it comes to them, always terrified of upsetting them or disappointing them. It's why I could never tell them I gamble. They're the 2 people that could help me to get through this mess but I just couldn't do it to them. As the saying goes ignorance is bliss.

I'm not going to go into the ups and downs of my life, one day I might share it but it's not something I want to open up about yet. It does go a long way to explaining why I began gambling in the first place though and possibly why it ended up so out of control.

When I first started playing the slots it was just a bit of fun, the losses were nothing, a fiver here, a tenner there, the wins far outweighed them and the number of times I'd gamble were so few and far between they weren't worth mentioning. I remember one very very early win, I deposited £10 and walked away with £45 from a 25p spin. I was ecstatic and took my other half out for tea, my treat (I could almost laugh at how ridiculous that all sounds to me now - a £10 deposit! A 25p spin! A £45 withdrawal! ) Then, as I imagine happened to everyone else, I got greedy. When the deposits were bigger, the stakes got bigger and the wins got even bigger. I didn't need to keep track of the losses because I was still withdrawing winnings quite easily so I rarely noticed what I'd lost. I don't doubt I was addicted even way back then. I guess it all took a turn for the worse when I stopped being able to withdraw. Or I'd withdraw but reverse it the following day. When you're not withdrawing anything those losses hit you like a sledgehammer each and every time. I became more and more obsessed with winning that amount that could change my life. The rational part of my brain knows even if I won it I'd just gamble it away eventually, just like I have all the other (non life changing) big wins. Yet the gambling part of my brain is still convinced I'd withdraw the lot, replace those savings that are long gone, buy that new car, have that dream holiday, do those things I've wanted to do but couldn't. The laughable part is with the money I've lost trying I could have done all of those things and more anyway.

And still after writing this, all I can think about is just being able to have just a few more goes on my favourite games, just to take my mind off other things.

Today is day 4, its a bad one but I haven't gambled. I really want to but I'm going to try my hardest not to

well done on day 4 im on day 42 of not gambling i gambled away £600 42 days ago i never want to gamble again, it causes so much pain and heartache. ive lost a fortune over the 15 years that ive gambled for i still have some savings left though luckily to have not gambled my savings and im in no debt.

Thanks for the post, it's very much appreciated, especially while I'm having such a bad day. Well done on 42 days. I really hope I can say the same in 38 days time.

It sounds like I'm in a similar position to you. I joined the site after a £500 loss in one night - I still haven't had the courage to go though my bank statement to find out what I actually lost that week. I did have a decent amount in savings, lost the majority of it now but thankfully I don't have debt either, or no gambling debt anyway. Even though the financial loss is crushing, it's the psychological side of it that devastates me the most. I don't know how I became this person that I don't even recognise most of the time. Huddled over a laptop at every opportunity, frantically switching screens when someone walks in the room. The lies, the guilt, the shame, everything else that goes with it.

I felt so positive yesterday and today I just feel like absolute s**t. But I'm battling through, all be it in a foul mood. I just want it to be bed time so this day can be over with. I don't think I've ever looked forward so much to a Monday morning at work!!!

Hi Jm

Sorry to hear you had a bad weekend. I think when we really get down to the heart of things regardless of how you feel from day to day through all the little situations that family life throws up at you we are all soft when it comes to our parents. When you are tiny they are your guardians and protectors, and when you are adult there is an intrinsic need to have your parents be proud of you, for me it feels almost like im saying "look you guys did a good job, Im ok, you raised a good guy" - you want to give them that back. For all those reasons I couldnt actually bring myself to admit to them that the reason I rang them from a foreign country in an absolute state at the ripe old age of 40 desperately needing their assistance.... was because of my gambling problems. I know they would have been ok with it, but I did not want (selfishly) the inevitable guilt and shame the conversation would bring me, but more over I could not tolerate the dissapointment it would have brought them. Dont beat yourself up about not telling them, I think its quite common not to want to dissappoint your folks. I have tried to spend more time with mine post gambling, and I think going through all of the above made me realise how important they are to me - I am trying to take that as a positive from the rest of the ugly situation.

Anyway. well done on not returning to familiar ground despite feeling low. That is a really big step to have achieved, definitely chalk that up as a victory along the road to recovery.

I can completely identify with the progression in slots that you describe. It seems ludicrous to anyone that hasnt lived it to read it out loud Im sure, but its the same as my own experience and almost every other CG I have spoken to. The not being able to withdraw winnings, the increase in stakes to catch that elusive big win, the not actually winning even when you do so.... its very clear that slots and the system for them (the profusion of different games, the bonus features, the designs etc etc) are all designed specifically to engineer this type of scenario, and to part people like you and I from their money. Like you I started on machines that were 20p or so a spin, within not much time at all my regular sessions were on slots where I bet 2 or 3 quid per spin for hours at a time, occasionally I would throw in a few mini sessions of much bigger bets in order to chase those wins I saw in the "big win" videos on Youtube. The last time I gambled and when I was at my lowest, I remember through the haze, betting £100 a spin for a few spins in complete desperation. That is madness, there is no other word for it. £100 a spin. Nuts. If I could pay someone to go back in a time machine and wallop me around the face with a whole side of salmon the night I decided to do that I would (Actually thats not true, if I had a time machine I would fix various wrongs in my life, and Id just pay someone to stop me gambling many many years prior to that night, and no fish would be harmed in the process.But I digress). My point is - what you describe is textbook. This is what gambling does to us. It is why I feel desperately sad when I count adverts for 4 different online casinos in the space of one ad break on television, or when i see the nonsensical and completely false picture that they represent "the <bookiesname> life" is my current (non)favourite, the happy go lucky band of lads celebrating their wins by going karting and larking about in the pub- if they were to show those lads six months down the line not having enough money to pay their rent and bills let alone go karting or visit the pub, looking dejected and isolated, lying to those closest to them and selling everything they owned to pay off another payday loan...... I suspect their marketing department would probably not get paid their christmas bonus.

You have done well to escape all of the above, by opting for recovery now. Remember that when you feel low, or when you remember the games you used to play. You know now, it is not like the adverts, it isnt glamour and fun and good times. Its just tawdry, sordid and it makes you feel horrible inside.

You are doing really well. Take care and stay strong.

Best Regards,

FM.

Day 7 and I'm feeling pretty good today.

Haven't posted in my own diary for a couple of days, it seems I've switched one secret for another, instead of being hidden away on the laptop (which I'm still avoiding as much as I can) it's my phone that I'm constantly checking or typing into. It's something I'll have to be careful about as I suspect should the other half become suspicious, his first thought will be an affair. And then the only way to prove there is no affair will be to come clean about the gambling. Not a route I want to go down. It scares me a little that I'm not sure which I'd rather he suspected. Although truth be told I guess I've secretly having an affair for years, just not with another person.

Anyway, today's looking good. Off out for tea tonight with an old uni friend for a good old gossip and catch up so I'm confident I'll be waking up tomorrow (with a sore head I'm sure) ready to take on day 8 and the beginning of week 2

Jess

Day 9 almost over and I've had no urges to gamble today. I've taken up my fitness classes again as of last week, not long home from a new one tonight - bums and tums with body sculpt...Jesus Christ almighty, I'll not be able to move anything for at least 3 days. But I enjoyed it and feel like I've done something productive.

On a serious note, to anyone that does stumble into my diary, I've just posted into Jopski's diary. His diary is very open and very honest. I know everyone is fighting there own demons at the moment but I think Jopski really needs as much support as anyone can give right now, especially from those who are further on in their recovery. I don't think he'll be offended by my saying he's not in a good place right now. Hopefully we can help make his journey a little easier.

Jess