Getting my life back

Wow, over a month since I last posted anything and all is still well in the non gambling world.

Can't say the same about the rest of my world unfortunately. It's been an awful couple of months and I've just been so busy, I can't remember the last time I actually just came in from work and chilled out on the settee in front of the tv. I think it's true what they say, death definitely brings out the worst side of people. There's so much animosity between most of the family, it's just horrible. I'm trying my best to stay neutral in it all but it's hard. I do feel anger towards people, people who never saw or spoke to my Auntie in years have 'always loved' certain possessions and taken them...funny it's only the things that are actually worth a bit of cash. Me, all I've taken is a couple of bits of tat that genuinely do hold sentimental value to me. Not that I ever would, but I could maybe sell the lot for a fiver. Some of my cousins could (and almost certainly will) sell their haul and make a few thousand from it. It makes me sick to be honest.

Anyway...back to gambling. I broached the subject with my other half last weekend after a few drinks. He had been telling me about his friend from work who has taken up gambling, has made in excess of 4k and is placing £700 bets. Apparently this friend is a very good gambler and 'knows what he's doing', the money he's won stays in a separate bank account and if it's lost its not a problem, it was never really his to begin with so he'll just stop. Hmmmm!!!!!!!

I thought about saying nothing, but my conscience wouldn't let me. I was a slots girl myself, but I've read more than my fair share of diaries from people who bet on sports, there is no way this guy doesn't have a gambling problem. His wife knows nothing of it, he NEVER loses, his bets have increased from £5 to £700 in the space of 6 months and he'll just stop if he loses his winnings. Yeah right.

I literally pleaded with my other half to try and make this guy contact gamcare. I told him I was a member (he found out I'd bet 2k on slots years ago but luckily - or unluckily I'd won back 4k - I told him I'd never do it again and that was the end of it, it's never been mentioned from that day to this) and his friend showed all the classic signs of a problem gambler. Although my other half said he thought his friend was stupid he couldn't see why I was making such a big deal of it. This guy is an intelligent guy, he's not losing anything so what's the problem. We ended up having a huge barney about it anyway. End result being he isn't going to speak to him about gambling (it's his choice, his money) and I will not be telling my other half about my addiction. I've said all along I wouldn't tell him but after the barney last weekend I'm even more adamant. The fallout plus the lack of support I'd get from him just isn't worth it in my eyes. On the plus side it has strengthened my resolve to make sure I never find myself in the position that I have to confess to him. A******e!!!!

I tried and that's as much as I can do, I don't know the friend and I'm never likely to meet him as the other half only sees him at work. Hopefully he'll realise his problem before his world begins to crumble like so many before him.

Still gambling free but finding it harder and harder to come back to my diary and update regularly. I've tried a few times but I find that just writing about gambling makes me think about doing it. My brain is screaming 'don't be so f*****g stupid' and yet there's still that little voice that promises it would only be 25 quid. I know it wouldn't be.

Anyway, I'm still all over the place after my Auntie's death. It's caused complete carnage amongst my family. Nobody seems to be speaking to anybody. I'm doing everything I can to avoid thinking about it all...my house has never been so clean, my ironing basket has never been so empty, my cupboards have never been so full of food. By default, it's pretty much taken the time to gamble away from me, which is a good thing. The downside is I've been shattered for weeks now, my new bedtime being roughly 9pm. Must be an age thing.

I'm still reading diaries everyday, usually during my smoke breaks at work, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind to be offering any actual support at the moment although I am, as always, supporting everyone from the sidelines.

Jess x

Life is tought Jess but I know those first three words in your last post means things COULD me much worse.

I also sometimes think of having a small punt [not on those evil FOBTS] on the football but know i'll just chase and chase if I lose and will just crave more wins if I win.

Better for us both to keep on the right path.

Mark

Hi Jess,

Keep on tbe road of recovery and do what is right for you. I know what you mean about reading diaries and gambling, but hey! It is a lot better than actually actioning that s*** ourselves huh?

Just keep looking after no1 and take it easy on yourself.
Yevery day you abstain is another battle won!

Well done

Sandra x

Wow, 6 months since I last updated my diary and how things have changed for me. I didn't have much debt when I joined last year but now I'm almost completely debt free. Still got my mortgage, but my credit cards are clear and I've only got 2 payments left on my student loan. My savings are increasing and I no longer have to worry about finding money to pay for bills or food. I've had 2 holidays this year and completely redecorated the living room. All thanks to not wasting my hard earned cash on slot machines.

And yet this week I've really struggled not to. It's madness. My life is so much better now that I don't gamble and yet this week it's all I've wanted to do. It all started last Sunday when the other half rolled in at 4 in the morning. Where had he been....with his mate in a casino. I've known about this mate for a while now, I've never met him but, reading between the lines, from what the other half has told me he's a problem gambler. My other half thinks the sun shines out of his backside.

He's a really good gambler, he always wins, he never gambles what he can't afford to lose.

Bulls**t. He'll be no different to me. I know he'll be losing money, because that's what problem gamblers do. I know problem gamblers never win because they never stop. I know his wife left him and he won't tell anyone the reason why. I know he did live in a 3 bedroom semi and now he lives in a 1 bedroom flat. I know he did drive a 30k car and now drives a banged up fiesta. I know he's a liar....and I hate him.

I don't hate him because he's a gambler. I hate him because I've begun convincing myself that maybe my other half is right, maybe he really is a good gambler. Maybe he does always win. Maybe he is sensible and only gambles what he can afford to lose. My poor naive other half believes it so maybe it is true. If it is true, it makes me jealous. Jealous that he can do what I failed so miserably at.

What on earth is wrong with me???

I haven't felt like this in a long time and it's scaring the hell out of me, so it's back to taking it one day at a time.

Jess, why would you envy someone who had it all & now has nothing? Take a step back & see what you have written...You are right, your OH is wrong! Boys will be boys...They all look up to the champagne Charlies who have the bravado to do things normal people don't do!

You know as well as I do that this is the addiction trying to sneak back in & good on you for coming back here for a bit of support!

Don't lose sight of how far you have come! You are doing this - ODAAT

Hey ODAAT, long time no speak. Hope you're well. Thanks for the post, I know you're right.

I hate this addiction, I hate it with everything I've got. You think everything's going great and then wham....out of the blue it returns with a vengeance and seems a million times worse than it did before.

I've had a terrible nights sleep. I've been dreaming of those b*****d slot machines. And I feel so guilty. I haven't gambled but I still feel an unbelievable sense of shame. I woke up at one point and felt like crying. It's almost like I can tell I'm on the verge of a catastrophic relapse and I feel like I'm going to be powerless to stop it.

I think I feel so terrible because I very nearly did break last night. I convinced myself I should just do it and get it over with while I could still be in control. I've been gamble free for so long that I'd definitely be able to stick £25 quid in and it would just be fine. It would scratch the itch and then I could just go on happily with my life.

I know I wouldn't. It's played out over and over and over in my mind all night. I'd lose 25, then deposit another, then 50, then 100, the 200....and it would go on and on and on and I'd be broken all over again.

Today is not going to be a good day, but I will try my hardest not to find a single second to gamble

Thanks GT, good to hear from you too.

I won't do it, I promise. I'm out of the house now so I'm safe from harm for the moment. Guess the triangle works!

I foresee me staying very close to the site over the coming days so I'll use the time to catch up on everyone's diaries