Getting my life back

Just checking in, almost at the end of day 10 - which I'm going to class as my first real milestone.

I know I've been here before but this time seems different. Something has changed in the way I'm thinking, my mind seems clearer and more focused, and I'm feeling mentally stronger than I have in a long time.

Having thought about it, when I joined the site, I joined through desperation, probably a last ditch attempt to make myself feel better after a big loss, in the hope I'd get some sleep. With hindsight, I'm not even entirely sure I wanted to stop. I think a part of me still thought (or at least hoped) that I could regain control over my gambling. Why I assumed I'd be able to do what so many other people can't is beyond me. It's like I've finally woken up to the fact that it isn't an option, it stopped being one for me a long long time ago.

Now that I've accepted it, it's actually making it easier to fight off any urges. My rational side is starting to take over again and becoming easier to listen to. What is the point in joining another site? I'll deposit some money full of good intentions and I'll play until it's gone, I'll then deposit some more because I'll convince myself I'll definitely withdraw what I win, but oh no I won't, I'll play until that's gone too. I'll probably repeat 4/5/6 times. Then I'll return the next day and the day after that and the day after that too. It will go on and on and on and I'll slowly feel worse and worse and worse. That is what I would do because I am a compulsive gambler.

It's almost as if by admitting I have no control over my gambling, I'm finally regaining control over my gambling. It makes no sense and yet complete sense at the same time.

Anyway off to bed now, so tired and so much to do tomorrow. How did I ever find so much spare time to gamble???

A big well done jess! I can see from your words that your very much in control of that small voice in the back of your mind. Before you know it those ten days will soon be a whole month.

I've changed the name of my thread from 'trying to get my life back' to 'getting my life back' After thinking about it this morning I thought the first one sounded a bit wishy washy, like a half a***d attempt at it. Now it sounds a bit more serious and (I'm putting on a big deep gruff Geordie voice) like I bloody well will get it back. It's mine after all.

So again today has been fine, I'm still having moments when I think 'just another £25' but instead I come on here and read a few more posts. The urges soon disappear and I end up reading far longer than I intend, before I know it the opportunity to gamble has passed.

I've also started posting in other diaries a little bit more too. I was a little worried at first in case people thought 'who the hell is she' but so far so good. In a way I'm thinking of it as a small repayment to those who so kindly take/have taken the time to post in my own diary.

I've got one more post to write and then I plan on spending the rest of the night sprawled out in front of the tv, grey's anatomy and the blacklist. I watch far too many American shows and I'm constantly playing catch up with them all. I'm a right OCD weirdo when it comes to them too. I have to start with episode 1 of series 1, the world would probably end if I started in the middle of a series...I guess gambling isn't my only problem!!!

Just a quick post today while I'm on a break at work. It's day 12, the day it went wrong last time. I'm not even slightly worried today though. I'm feeling good, and my willpower is staying strong. I wish I could say the same when it came to cigarettes - there's a battle I've been fighting for years and failing miserably at. Maybe once I get back on my feet regarding gambling I'll incorporate a stopping smoking diary into it too, then I really will be laughing all the way to the bank.

Just in case of any unforeseen problems (and to make absolutely sure I will get to the end of day 12) I'm heading straight from work to a 2 hour fitness class. Madness...but if that's what it takes to beat this addiction then it's serving a purpose. Once I'm home I'll be fit for nothing more than sleep. Mission accomplished.

I was right, the class was agony but I had a bit think while I was in the car on the way back. Although I am trying to let go of the losses, everytime I look at my bank account I'm still hit by how small it is compared to what it was. So I've decided to adopt a new approach.

When I deposit I always start with £25. Not sure why, but it's enough for a few £1.50 or £2 spins depending what I'm playing. Once lost I go for another £25, then £50. Sometimes, I can stop there, but usually I carry on depositing in 50s. I can never stop on a 50 number so I have to keep going until it's a straight multiple of 100, whether it be 200, 400, even a 1000. How messed up does that sound???

Anyway, 25 is the absolute minimum I'd spend each day. Therefore for each day I don't gamble I save a minimum of £25. So today, day 12 I have saved a minimum of £300. I know the real figure is much higher but it'll give me a way of keeping track of the absolute minimum I would have wasted if I continue to gamble.

Today is day 12 and I'm £300 better off at the end of it

Hi J

Very well done on 12 days of winning, I can relate to starting at the same amount snd then increasing and increasing.

We thought we were in control, what a joke,

Stay strong and focused and keep winning.

Suzanne xx

Hi Jess,

Hope you are doing well today and your resolve is holding. In my experience the first few weeks were the worst for me to overcome, in that respect I think gambling is like any habitual cycle you want to break. The urges to gamble, and random thoughts of gambling will subside with time if your recovery follows the same pattern mine has thus far.

re the similarities in our experiences – I think this is one of the best parts of joining this forum. Whilst it is clearly not a nice thought to know that there are others suffering just as you are – I do hope that It gives you some respite from the inevitable negative thoughts and depressing realities you are facing at this stage to know that there are other people, brothers in arms as it were fighting the same fight, afflicted with the same problems. This helped me immeasurably to know during my first few weeks. Just remember whenever you go through those periods where you feel ashamed or are kicking yourself about the mistakes you have made, I too have been just that daft, Ive done those stupid things too…. As have countless others, and like you say we are absolutely rooting for you to win.

Your comments about your parents completely echo mine. I was a right state when I made that call, a lot of it was just all the emotion of my realisation of being at rock bottom coming to a head at once, but like you say remembering how they have struggled to give you the upbringing you’ve had and all the things they have done to help you… I just couldn’t face up to the shame Id have had, if I came clean to my Dad, but I could think of no other avenue I had left at that stage and I had to make that call to arrest the downward spiral I was in. I also wagered (wrong word really !) that being in debt to my dad was possibly the only type of debtor I wouldn’t risk gambling the proceeds of away, such was the overriding guilt associated with the bail out.

Completely understand what you are saying about the diaries of others. Your comments don’t offend at all don’t worry !, I know what you mean. I think you are right not to undervalue the seriousness of your situation – stopping now is absolutely the right choice, I just meant that seeing other peoples experience made me realise how deep into this we can get if we aren’t careful. The early we stop the easier / better it will be to do so. Reading other peoples diaries even when I am in a relatively good place now I think also helps me to guard against complacency – as another poster put it to me “the pilot light is always lit with this addiction”.

Anyway. I have wittered on again, what I actually came here to address was your last point about the insanity of gambling. I like you am a person who likes questions and answers Im a logic driven guy (I write software for a living) and something that I cannot understand bugs the hell out of me – those artsy types of thriller films that slowly fade to black whilst “leaving you to make your own mind up about the ending” make me want to start fires. I have thought about this. Was I “weak”, was I somehow more vulnerable than other people ? , why did I allow myself to do these things against my better judgement ? .

My take on it is this: Because compulsive gambling is something “new” to us, we judge it as something new. It isn’t. It has been around for hundreds of years. Whilst I think gambling is an addiction much as drugs or alcohol are there are some very obvious differences. The “industry” which surrounds it and markets it to us clearly understands through tried and tested means the best way to “reel a punter in”, focus group testing and game designs are technically/scientifically designed if not to be addictive then at the very least to be enticing and to make us want to “play”. When you stop and think about it what we see today can only be the evolution of many many years of gambling being turned into a saleable experience by a corporate business. Whilst the notion of “compulsive” or “problem” gambling is still a negative topic, and has stigma attached in the way that any addiction does, gambling itself has been stripped of this in the UK, it is now endorsed and sold as a mainstream product, a lifestyle – legislation allows it to be advertised by every medium going, and technology makes it incredibly accessible. Gambling speaks to us – those inner thrill seeking thoughts, the greed, the thoughts of what if… and it is *incredibly* addictive, that much is fact.

Imagine if Heroin was marketed in the same way as gambling and with the same aggressive corporate stance but was still within government legislation “Heroin, it makes you feel all nice and tingly, get yourself some lovely heroin and have a great time with your mates - available *everywhere* heres a bonus code for some syringes and for your first purchase we will give you double the amount of any of our lovely heroin that you order…. (oh yes, and please use any heroin you buy from us responsibly of course, I mean, “some people” have said, that in very very rare cases when misused, heroin can actually kill you right to death… but oh look over there a badger…. Now about this lovely heroin….”. I suspect in those circumstances we would have a lot more drug addiction problems then we do already. As I mention above the flip side of this in my mind is that despite gambling being largely accepted as OK in UK society and as the adverts tell us… its just a bit of fun… “problem gambling” is not. Therefore again much like drug addicts you don’t feel compelled to tell people you’ve developed a destructive habit which you are having trouble controlling, because even when you realise this isn’t just a bit of fun… you are at the tipping point its something you would rather keep private, and whilst we don’t reach out and we don’t talk to people the gambling continues eating away at our lives, and our finances until – if we are lucky, a horrible moment of epiphany is reached and we have to stop, and for many this is cyclical. Then we end up where we are now.

Now don’t get me wrong. Im my little diatribe above I am not saying “it wasn’t me gov it was those nasty book keeping companies what got me all addicted sir they did sir, can I have some more sir”. It was as a result of a poor decision I and I alone made, at one point or another that I entered the world of gambling, or at least that made me make that final leap into something far more damaging than what was once still bordering on recreation. It was my choice, and my mistake. Its clear to me that there needs to be a void for gambling to fill, that might be as banal as boredom, it might be more complex and mean gambling masquerades as a friend to make the evenings of those suffering depression that bit easier, it might be that it becomes someones pressure release valve – these things are down to the individual, and I think many of us “chose” gambling for want of a better word because of two reasons:

1) our normal lives do not put us in contact with highly addictive substances that we might turn to other than gambling on a regular basis. Drugs are illegal and the procurement thereof/lifestyle that accompanies them are considered dangerous, and don’t feature on our day to day radar as a result. Alcohol to some extent is controlled, liquor is not advertised or “marketed” on television in the UK, and there is social stigma attached to drinking. Smoking even is regulated heavily. The only regulation currently made obvious with regard to gambling in the UK is that you must be over 18. 2) Gambling is seen as “less damaging” than any number of other known addictive pastimes. There are no negative connotations associated with ones health, and it is
very much regarded as “a harmless bit of fun”. There are far less flashing warning signs for those entertaining the idea of gambling or at least you need to look harder to find them, then you might for say a drug habit, or alcohol abuse. There is also the notion (however untrue in the long term) that there is a faint possibility that your life might be enriched by gambling. You might “beat the house”, so there is the notional prospect of a positive reward with gambling other than the “high” of actually doing the gambling – not many addictions can boast this.

In asking the questions of yourself “why did this happen to me”, “how did I let this get so bad” etc. You are making the same assumptions and mistakes as I did I think. I viewed myself as the anomaly in the experiment, rather than the control. Given all of my wittering in the paragraphs above, I think we are actually reacting how the majority will react when exposed to gambling in its current form today (i.e. high accessibility, online, 24/7, marketed, sold as a lifestyle – rather than the traditional “have a tenner on the nags at the weekend”, or “visit a casino once a year on holiday”) i.e. it becomes habitual quickly for most. I think the difference as to whether you end up here or not is just how quickly you manage to extricate yourself from it, once the velocity has started to build – the more it takes hold, and the longer you are “in” the harder it is to get out. Look at the numbers of people arriving here every week, look at the quoted debts and financial impact, and look at the demographics involved – this isn’t one group by race/pastime/age/lifestyle etc it’s a cross section of the UK. I think it’s a vastly understated or hidden problem, and I think that’s why the likes of you and I don’t understand how we came to be a part of it.

Those are the only parts that differ from person to person I think – the “why” did you start, and the “why did it take so long to stop”. For me, it was partly the flashing lights ive always been a sucker for such things (it may have even been about the financial implications of winning “free” money to start with to some extent) … and partly that I needed a release, a dump valve to blow off the steam of a stressful home and work life, and I made a daft choice in choosing gambling for that. I saw the adverts on tv, I stumbled across big win videos on youtube….. I was IN. As to why it took me so long to stop… well partly I thought I could win myself to a point where I had minimised losses, and I deluded myself as to the size of the hole I was digging. I did all this in secret too and that made it even harder to stop quickly. But as to the “insanity”, it seems that way but I think we reacted exactly as expected… certainly by the industries service providers anyway.

Apologies. I started writing this as a quick answer to your post on my diary on Friday, it turned into something else along the way!. I do go on a bit.

Best Regards and keep on keeping on,

FM.

Just a very brief check in tonight. Got the other half's family round for tea and the red wine has been opened. I suspect a hangover will follow.

Anyway day 13 almost done and £325 saved

Another very brief check in tonight.

I do still think about gambling a lot. Maybe it's because I'm coming to this site so often or maybe it's that the addiction is there in the background, just waiting for its chance to take hold again, I'm not sure. Either way, even though I'm thinking about gambling, I'm still not tempted to do it. Still very early days and as confident as I'm feeling at the moment I'm still not anywhere near confident enough to risk not visiting the site as often as I do. Maybe it's the reality check it provides, a reminder of what gambling could cost, both financially and psychologically. Is having one more spin really worth it? Before I found this site, I could always justify it to myself by saying it's only money. The truth is its far more than money, with each spin I think I lost a little bit more of my sanity. But hopefully, with each day I abstain, I can claw a little bit of it back again.

Day 14 and I've saved myself £350

Day 15, £375 not gambled and I'm still going strong.

I really enjoy visiting the diaries. There's something calming about writing all my thoughts down at the end of the day. Reading through the latest diary posts of people I've never met or ever likely to meet only helps strengthen my resolve to never do this again. If others can do it, it can't be impossible, so that means I can do it too.

At the beginning I did think 'poor me, how could this happen' but now I think 'it's happened, I can choose to get over it and be like all the people who are succeeding or I can choose to continue down a path of self destruction, self pity, guilt, lies and shame'

I choose the first option, my only regret now is that it took me so long to decide on it. I committed whole heartedly to being a gambler, now it's time to put the same commitment into stopping.

Another plus point to stopping I've found, payday is another week away and I've STILL got cash!!! I can't remember the last time that has ever happened but it feels d**n good

Just a very quick check in tonight while the other half has nipped to the shop.

Day 16, £400 not gambled and all is well

Keep it up my friend. One day at a time is the way to take it, focus your energy elsewhere and stay strong!

All the best

Hi J

Well done on 16 days of winning, keep going and stay positive and strong.

Suzanne xx

Big thanks to Krishan and Suzanne for their posts last night, I'm so glad they were there this morning when I got up.

Can't explain why but I woke up this morning and my first thoughts were of gambling. Would I have done it, I'm not sure, I'd like to think not but luckily I came here instead and that little extra boost made me think I'm not going to let these people who are supporting me down. I'm not going to let myself down either. So I drank a few cups of coffee, smoked a few too many cigarettes and read through some more diaries. Not an ideal solution but it worked, the thoughts of gambling have returned to the dark recesses of my brain.

I do need to stop smoking, but I'm too scared to at the minute. I know how horrible I can get when I stop and I'm really not sure I have the strength or willpower to conquer two addictions at once. I'll put it on the back burner for now, stopping gambling has to be my priority. Smoking may be damaging me physically in the long term but gambling is destroying me mentally right now.

So day 17 and I will make it through. I'm going to have an afternoon snooze until the other half comes home- just in case those thoughts of gambling decide to make a reappearance

Hi J,

Coming on here when you have horrible thoughts of gambling can really help distinguish them, well done for coming on here first, and 17 days is a big achievement, stay strong and focused.

Suzanne xx