I think it's important to break one bridge at a time and when you are strong and capable enough to focus your energy on giving up smoking then that's the right time for you. The first few months are the hardest but its how you push yourself into the next day that makes you determined not to look back but to look forward. If I can help just one person and share my experience/advice then that is all the determination I need to know that not only me but anyone can beat this if we stick together and help each other out!
Take care
Krishan
Day 18 and yesterday's thoughts have been fully pushed back where they belong.
Went food shopping today with the other half and it's the first time in years I've paid in cash. It's also the first time in years I've not had to worry about
1) which card I use
2) will there be enough money in whichever account I decide on
3) what the other half puts in the trolley (oh s**t, there's definitely not enough money in any account, debit card no longer an option)
4) using my credit card as that's going to reduce gambling funds next month
5) when will this nightmare shopping trip end
6) how long it's going to take me to forgive the other half for putting me through this hell (I realise now it was all a self inflicted hell, but I did like to lay the blame at someone else's door rather than admitting it was my own fault)
It was actually quite an enjoyable experience without all of the above to worry about - or as enjoyable as trawling round a supermarket on a Sunday afternoon can be! And me and the other half are still speaking - what the hell??? It's never been known
Today has been a huge success. Time now to kick back, relax and prepare for another week
So I'm sat wide awake and have been for well over an hour. I can't switch my brain off even though I'm shattered. For about 2 years now, I've woken up for 2-3 hours almost every night. I had put it down to my last major stop smoking success, I figured something changed when I gave up nicotine and my body just never readjusted even when I started smoking again.
It's only just dawned on me that tonight is the first night since I stopped gambling that I've woken up in the middle of the night. Maybe it's coincidence or maybe it's been gambling related all along - 2 years ago is about the time I started seriously losing money and even though I was in denial in the back of my mind I knew I had a gambling addiction.
So why have I woken up tonight? I'm still tired, I'm yawning my head off, so I don't want to be awake. Please don't let this be what is going to happen, not after I've started sleeping properly again. Not sleeping was partly the reason I went back to smoking, please don't let this be what's going to break me. I can take most things but not sleeping is awful. Fingers crossed this is just a one off, God I really hope this is a one off. Please let me get some more sleep or today is going to be a stinker of a day
So I managed to get another hour sleep this morning...still woke up feeling like a zombie. But hey ho, such is life. I think I started panicking a bit when I couldn't get back to sleep. I've always been one of those people that can sleep anywhere anytime. When I stopped sleeping it really knocked me for six but I adjusted to it eventually and just got on with it. I'm not really sure how I didn't realise I HAD been sleeping properly again. The mind certainly can play funny tricks on you.
Hopefully last night was just a one off and I sleep a full night tonight. I should, I've been stood freezing on a picket line this morning and then had all the work I didn't do whilst standing on the picket line to do when I got back. I still haven't warmed up and I'm totally shattered. I felt mighty ashamed of myself and a bit of a fraud really. Actually the words I'd use are disgusted with myself, stood amongst people who earn a lot less than I do and work d**n hard for it too and here's me who just blows hundreds/thousands of pounds on b****y slot machines. God I hate them, and I can't believe I was ever so stupid to think I could beat them.
I'm so glad I've wised up now and admitted defeat. They aren't there to be won, they are there to make people like me keep ploughing all their hard earned cash into, and I did too, for so so long. Well they aren't getting another penny from me. My money is my money now, I'll spend it on the things I really want to do, the places I really want to see, the things I really want to buy. Screw those f*****g casinos, they've had their lot. For every single pound I gave them, I'll save every single one back and more. They aren't going to beat me again.
Phew...and breathe. There's that out my system.
So day 19 nearly finished. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about gambling, of course I have, but none of the thoughts have been about doing it, only how much I hate what it turned me into...and given the choice I know which thoughts I'd rather be having.
I've reached day 20 and I'm classing it as my second milestone. I think (although not 100% certain) this is the longest I've been gambling free in years and I feel pretty proud of myself. It hasn't been as bad as I've been expecting so far, I've still had a few days where I've thought about it but nothing where I've really been in danger of actually signing up or depositing anything. Maybe I've just hit lucky or maybe there is some truth when people say it has to be the right time to stop. Who knows.
I'm definitely thinking about gambling in a completely different way to the way I was say a month ago. I know I really have no responsibility to anyone here to stay gamble free, but I do feel a responsibility to everyone just the same.
It's just in my nature I guess. I'm the same at home and at work. If I've said I'll do something I hate the thought of letting someone down. I know by gambling again it's only myself I'd be letting down but I think it gives me a nudge in the right direction to think someone else might be disappointed in me, so I'm going to to go with it.
It's probably why I'm not going to confess to my other half. I already know how it'll go. He'll (understandably) go off the deep end, I'll turn all defensive and probably gamble just to spite him...I'm aware of how childish that sounds but I also know it's true. I hate being told what I can and can't do. And if he told me I can't gamble, then I b****y well will gamble, just to prove I can and he can't stop me. I guess being very stubborn is also in my nature. Once everyone's calmed down and we talk about it and I say I won't gamble again I'd expect him to trust me far sooner than he should because I've said I'll stop (obviously he won't and I wouldn't either if the shoe was on the other foot) but having him checking on me constantly for x amount of weeks/months/years even, will only make me resent him especially if I have stopped and no longer need to be checked up on. I know I'm a hypocrite and this has all been brought on by me, but I know me and I know him. The fallout from confessing will be far far worse than me doing this on my own. Thankfully, I'm still in a position that I don't have to tell him and so long as I stay gambling free, he never has to know.
Hopefully I'm not tempting fate but I do feel confident that this time I really can make gambling something that I used to to.
Jess
I have not posted upon your thread before,no reason I just have not got around to it.
A huge well done from me for your twenty days continued abstinence,twenty days WINNING the way I see it,for that be proud.
Regarding telling your partner or not the decision on what would have a more positive effect on you is something only you have the answer to. For me I had no choice but to confess all to my wife,I had gambled to being one day from our house being reposessed and had no option but to admit to my failings.
Recovery is for me bespoke,you have to tailor it to what works for you,what motivates you to not place that next bet,the one which could leave you in the position I found myself in,do it because how we get there doesn't matter it is for us the compulsive gambler the end result that is the key.
for me the greatest gift recovery has given me is my honesty back,gambling placed a raft of lies between myself and my beloved,recovery repairs the damage done on a daily basis,the most important thing I take from it is I am honest with myself,gambling no longer kids me along with it's false promises,I no longer rely on the outcome of a random event to which I hold no control over to define what happens in my life,today I can make more educated choices.
Most of all ENJOY your journey,gambling takes us to some pretty dark places,recovery for me gifts light.
Lastly regarding your smoking,when you are ready to quit,take the help on offer,I quit because when I entered recovery there was no money in the budget to accommadate my smoking,so I sort help,went to a clinic got free patches and to be honest have never looked back.Save the money and treat yourself,we booked a holiday off of the back of the savings,funny though I do still miss the first one in the morning!! lol,I can be seen at times following a fellow dog walker in the early hours,the one my kids call 'smokes alot'!!!
But the reward's are there and not just financial.
Keep up the good work,Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Thanks Duncs, Krishan and Reece. I will reply to each, it's just been one of those days today, but I'll hopefully get a chance tomorrow.
Day 21 and still no gambling. How I've done it - no idea, maybe the s****y day at work was actually a blessing in disguise and successfully P****d me off enough to prevent me gambling.
I came in from work to a letter from a casino I've never been a member of...inviting me to join, they'll give me £100 completely free all I have to do is download the casino software from their complimentary cd. Being in a foul mood anyway, a tirade of swear words exited my mouth and I attempted to break the cd in my fit of rage. Have you ever tried to break a cd? Jesus Christ those things are indestructible!!! That enraged me even more so I took it outside, placed it behind one of my back tyres and reversed. That's what the b*****ds can do with their free £100 and free cd.
Then (as if that wasn't enough) I came back inside to find I'd missed a call. Listened to the voicemail...another casino I've never heard of. I've been specially selected don't you know( ie you're on the list of people who'll definitely hand over all their money) to receive a spectacular welcome bonus. You have got to be kidding me??!!!! 2 different casinos, neither of which I'm excluded from, in the space of 30 minutes.
Luckily, despite the c**P day I've had at work, I'm in a good place right now so the thought of taking either offer didn't cross my mind. But I'm so mad, furious even that this can happen. That I can self exclude from casinos yet they still pass my details onto their sister sites to get me gambling again.
However, I didn't go back so I'd just like to say a massive thanks to everyone here. Thanks to those who have posted in my diary and those who have diaries that I can read. It really is down to this site that I am in such a good place now and I am still 21 days gambling free. If I could kiss you all I absolutely would xxx
Dont be kissing mexwith your smelly smokers breath! hahaha. Seriously though well done for your progress so far. Cant believe this site is what it is. I remember years and years ago first seeing the gamcare leaflets in the bookies, I knew i had a problem with the FOBT's but never thought logging onto here, saying that ive never really had internet access apart from work and i obv cant be using my computer at work! God i only got a semi decent smart phone 18 months ago. Anyway i digress... If i had made the efforts way back then I could have saved myself thousands upon thousands. Keep up the good work Jess!
Hi Jm,
Hope today was better than yesterday and the house is still standing lol.
Yes i fully understand how frustrating is to get those letters or emails from the sites you are not even registered with, and i still get them too but chuck them in a bin straight away or delete emails in the instance.
Temptations can be there but as time passes they will lessen also.
Very well done on your continued journey and a month g free is just round the corner. Stick to it and you will see how much better life is without self destruction crossing the path.
You can do it...you are doing it, b proud - day at a time
Stay safe
Sandra x
Hmmm, not sure what happened to the paragraphs yesterday, bizarre.
Going to do an early post today, I've lazed around far too long this morning so back to the real world of housework, shopping and all the joy that brings.
Day 24, starting to de-stress from work a little and no further signs of anymore coldsores so that's a bonus. Also zero urge to gamble at the minute so again it's shaping up to be a good day overall
Hi Jess,
Well done on 24 days, only 4 to go to 4 whole weeks of winning and keeping your sanity
Take carecare
Suzanne xx
Hi Jess,
Thank you for your post on my tread and glad to see you are winning this daily fight.
People say it's not advisable to tackle two or three addictions at a time. We should prioritise the most harmful one. I took on a fight on my other addiction (drink) and so far so good..as of smoking. ..hell girl, i think i smoke triple times more than before and not even thinking of giving up. I guess New Year might see me challenging myself more lol. I'm a bit into running and believe me i must have holes in my lungs lol cause no issue detected on getting short of breath.
...Anyywwwaayyyyy..lol..i bored myself here.
Just to say that fighting one addiction at a time is plenty. Lay those foundations which you already done so well and feel better for it. As longer you abstain the more normality will return in your life. Very well done on your ongoing journey.
As of work - don't let no f****r to grind you down. Keeping stress at a healthy level is important. ..and is possible 🙂
Take care and stay safe
Sandra x
Day 25. What started out as the most boring day ever turned into a completely manic afternoon. I decided to relieve the boredom and visit the parents. Things still not fantastic there but getting better. However my sis has weighed in (on what in a nutshell has nothing to do with her) and is basically just being a b***h. Not forcing my parents to pick sides as such but making things as difficult as possible to get things back on track with them...yet another reason I ain't confessing about my gambling addiction. There's no way I could hand my sister that kind of ammunition for her arsenal.
Anyway enough about those woes. I decided to visit a couple of Aunties after that, they both live alone and both love to talk so I was there way longer than intended. Mad dash to get back home for the other half finishing work...stupidly I'd agreed to have tea ready for him. But I needn't have worried, he came in looking all sheepish...would I mind if he went to the pub first. Disaster averted.
So after a very boring start to the day, which did make me feel slightly worried that I might start wanting to gamble, it's been non stop for hours...well non stop talking and coffee drinking. But it's filled the day up and kept any urges that may have surfaced under wraps so all is good with the world. Time now to make the tea, then maybe a couple of hours tv before bed. Actually looking forward to this week as I'll complete my first month without gambling a single penny, and thats something for me to smile about.
Hi Jess,
Thanx for your post and vid..that is classic one lol and did make me chuckle.
o*g i am reading now your post and it's like looking in a mirror with family situation. Biatchy sisters eh? Lol lol..yep, don't we love them so much :-)))
My sister knows about my gambling and the initial reaction i received after i told her, didn't send me skipping and clapping in a fields lol..bless her..all i know, she got used to the idea by now but refuses to get a mortgage with me in case i leave her on a street one day (gamble it away)..all i can say THANK YOU HEAVENS!! I wouldn't even dream living with her anyway lol...love ya sis :-)))
So anyway, boring day for you, but could be well worse don't you think. Great to hear you navigated through it safely.
Very well done on your continued abstinence and wishing you all the strength and determination on this earth going forward.
Stay safe and have a good day.
Sandra x
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
