Getting my life back

Skipped day 26, I was so busy yesterday. By the time I got home I just collapsed in bed.

So day 27, I can't believe a full month is only a few days away (I'm classing 30 as a month) and God d**n it I'm so pleased with myself.

I feel like a completely different person to the one that joined the site. The more I think about it the more sure I am that I still had my head in the clouds when I joined. I didn't really have any intentions of stopping, just delaying my next deposit so I wasn't losing as much as frequently.

But not anymore, I genuinely don't want to gamble again. Not that I don't think about it, but now my desire not to gamble is greater than my desire to gamble. It just really isn't worth it.

I've made peace with a lot over the last month which I think has been the main reason for my complete change of heart. I'll always regret losing the money I did, but I accept its gone. I don't know how much I lost, I've a rough idea but I see no point to finding out the exact figure.

I've also realised how much I've neglected since I started gambling. Friends and family I should have made more effort to see or speak to but didn't, either because I'd rather have spent the time gambling or just because I simply had no money to go out for tea or a drink.

I think it's Duncs that said he always thought the grass was greener in everyone else's garden and I guess I did too. I thought if I just won that bit extra cash I could buy that car the neighbours have or I could go on that holiday that a friend had. Turns out if I'd just saved what I actually earn and work for I could have done it all in time anyway.

I've also made peace with the fact I'm probably never going to understand how things got so out of control, why I kept depositing or why I stopped withdrawing. I guess it's the nature of addiction, it sneaks up on you until you reach that point of no return, yet you cling to the hope you can get back over that line you crossed somehow.

But I think the main thing I've accepted this last month is that I am a compulsive gambler and I always will be. There is no in between for me. I either stop or I don't. They are my only choices.

Now is my time to stop. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I've heard you should give recovery 90 days, I'm only 27 days in but I already know my life is better and happier than it was 28 days ago. Recovery is absolutely the path I want and intend to stick with. I can't think of a single reason how the alternative would be better

Hi jess

It's lovely to read strong positive posts, well done on 27 days, keep doing what you are doing and keep that frame of mind up,

and keep making that right and only choice each morning you wake up,

Suzanne xx

Eeek!!! First full month tomorrow, I think it's fair to say I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself.

But, I think it's important I remind myself this isn't over. The higher I climb the further I have to fall. I am a compulsive gambler and I cannot ever gamble again.

So day 29, and not much to report really other than I haven't gambled and haven't wanted to.

Work's been miles better this week. There's a lad I only work with every other week, and I really enjoy working with him. He's like a big brother to me really and always puts me right. Tells me straight every time and I like that about him. I think it does me good to have someone that just tells me like it is. If I'm being a pain in the backside, he tells me. If I'm stressed to hell, he helps out where he can...even if it's just supplying a cup of coffee or covering so I can have a cigarette. If I'm stressing over nothing he points that out too and gets me back off the ceiling. He's pretty good at reading me which isn't something many people can do. He knows how far he can go and he knows when he should back off.

So far this week, he's told me I'm being a pain in the backside, supplied numerous cups of coffee, covered multiple cigarette breaks and pulled me back down from the ceiling. He's a star really - I'll never tell him that, it'll just go to his head and he'll be unbearable to work with forever more.

So plans for the evening while the other half is at work, watch a little tv and then an early night I think. 30 days is almost here

Hi Jess,

Congratulations on 30 days, that is one whole month, be very proud and keep going.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Emily and Suzanne, much appreciated as always. I'm not going to get a chance to reply tonight but I will tomorrow.

So day 30 and my first full month gambling free. I'm really proud of myself. I really didn't think it was possible but here I am, 30 days on and still feeling good about my decision to finally stop forever.

I've had a smile on my face all day. It's a strange feeling to be so full of pride yet too ashamed to tell anyone about it. But hey ho, could be worse, I could be ashamed with nothing to celebrate.

And I did decide to celebrate at work and took some cakes in. Told everyone we were celebrating it being Friday. And why not, they don't need to know my real reason.

Next week is going to be my 2nd real test (payday being the first) I've got a weeks holiday. I've done weekends, but they aren't usually too hard to fill up. Through the week will be much harder as everyone else will be at work and I'll be left to my own devices. But I'm still feeling determined so there's no reason I can't get through it as long as I keep my wits about me. And if times get tough, I'll just spend more time here, reading and posting. It's going to be fine.

Off to one of my fitness classes now and then the other half thinks we should have a pamper evening when I get back??? I'm sure we have the wrong gender roles in this relationship. He's been warned mind, the day I walk in on him squeezed into one of my dresses he'll have some explaining to do. I can have my secrets but he can't!!!

So that's it from me for the night, back tomorrow for the beginning of month number 2

Quick check in day 31. Not much to report other than I'm hungover and desperately trying to pull myself round for a Christmas night out tonight. So far it's not working.

But on the positive side I haven't gambled and I haven't wanted to. I'm definitely beginning to think the gambling free life agrees with me far more than the gambling one ever did

Day 32 and today I'm doing nothing. Not a single thing other than lying around the house. I'm refusing to even get out my pyjamas.

I'm not depressed or anything like that, it's just since I've stopped gambling I've been terrified of having nothing to do. I've kept myself so busy that I'm physically knackered. So today I'm going to do nothing. No housework, no paperwork, no work related work, no phone calls, no visiting people, no exercise, no cooking, nothing. I'm having a day where I just watch the tv, lying in bed, sun shining through the window, in my pyjamas.

And the good thing is, I don't want to gamble. I've been so worried that I would that I haven't given myself a minutes break in weeks. But actually, it turns out I really don't want to gamble - that's not to say that that feeling's going to last though. I've got this week's ironing pile ready just to be on the safe side.

Who would have thought ironing would be my survival strategy, sounds ridiculous. I haven't gambled because I've ironed. But if it works who am I to argue with it.

That's it for today, I'm returning to doing nothing, I might even have a little snooze before I resume doing nothing. Yet another bonus found to being gambling free - I now have the time to be totally lazy every once in a while

Day 33 and day 1 of my weeks holiday. No plans today other than doing all the housework I neglected yesterday while I was having a day of doing nothing - the harsh realities of life eh?!

I have been a bit worried about having a whole week off work but so far so good. This morning, as I've done first thing every morning religiously for 33 days is come here. And today, as every morning there are more names that I've not seen before. I try and read everything that has been posted since my last visit. It saddens me every day that so many people are affected by this. I wish I had the time to post a supportive message to everyone out there, but I seem to be incapable of writing a short post to anyone and the time just flies by.

I don't know how many people read my diary or whether it's of any use to anyone other than myself but I do follow everyone's journey as often as I can even though I manage to post on so few. I'm a silent supporter so to speak but my support to everyone is unwavering.

If I'm honest, it's reading other diaries that make my own urges to gamble disappear. So I suppose I read so many to support my own recovery. That sounds very selfish now that I've written it down. But sadly at this moment in time, I have to do what works for me.

I hope that down the line I can become less reliant on updating my own diary and use the time to support others, but to be in a position to do that I have to put my own recovery first. Oh my god, I can't believe how selfish that sounds as well.

And on that note, I'm going to stop digging before the hole gets too deep to get out of

Back again.

Finished off all the housework and have an hour or so before I have to start making tea. Thought I'd make a coffee and watch an episode of the walking dead (yet another of my shows I'm playing catch up on) Sat down on the settee and out of nowhere, and I mean nowhere, I thought 'I could just deposit 25, it's only 25'

Where the hell did that come from??? I haven't thought about gambling all day other than my previous post but even then that wasn't because I wanted to gamble, just my daily thoughts.

I didn't deposit and I won't, the thought of doing it has passed now but my god that took me by surprise. I almost for a split second started to reason with myself. I didn't, that's a fight I'll struggle to win, I can convince myself anything is a good idea if I really want to.

So back to the trusty diary and then onto the the ironing, just to be safe. Man that's given me a fright.

Also goes to show I'm far from in the clear. I have to keep reminding myself that one deposit leads to another then another then another. I am a compulsive gambler and that will never change

Thanks NT and Emily.

Phew, massively overslept today didn't wake up til 11:45!!! But that's what holidays are for and I'm telling myself I must have needed it so its all good.

Day 34, very little to report seen as I've been up less than 2 hours. But so far so good. Have a trip to the dentist planned this afternoon, which I don't mind really...the dentist being a bit of a looker helps, sure he doesn't think the same of me whilst he's prodding around in my mouth and lecturing me on the dangers of smoking...again. Although to be fair to him the last few times I've been its consisted of

'Have you stopped smoking?'

'Nope'

'Are you going to stop smoking?'

'I'll try again on Monday'

'Would you like the smoking lecture AGAIN'

'Nope'

'Fair enough, but I'll keep asking until you say yes to the first question'

'That's fine'

Maybe I'll shake it up a little and say my gambling addiction is my priority at the moment. I bet that throws him off course.

Not foreseeing any major problems today, either gambling or dentist wise. Hopefully yesterday's bolt out of the blue impulse was just a one off. But just to stay safe I've held back a little bit of ironing to see me through should anything go off script.

I really can't believe ironing is my go to place...my other half thinks I've been possessed, I've always been very much an iron as it's required kind of girl and all of a sudden I'm ironing none stop...even socks!!! What's that all about???

And on that note I'm off to find something productive to do, stay strong everyone

Hi Jess

Your post made me smile, about the dentist, lol, his face would have been a picture to see, if you said gambling is my priority.

Well done girl, yes it's tough when we have time at home, make sure all blocks are in place, and you keep your mind busy, keep coming on here if need be, it takes the temptation away, you are doing great, keep doing what you are doing, even if it's ironing.lol

I admire your spirit, Keep winning by abstaining and keep thinking I will never win because I will never stop.

Well done Jess.

Suzanne xx

Hi Jess well done on 34 days, shows you , you can do this!

Walking dead is one of my favourite show,s I always record it, so i can watch it back the next day and flick through the numerous ads!" ha.

Try and just worry about today , dont try and get too far ahead of youself, it can easily become overwhelming. Just for today i'll not gamble, work s for many. The days soon stack up.

Best of luck,

gav. and agree hope FM is alright but he's prob just snowed under with work.

So I'm back to day zero. Made it through yesterday with no problems but today, just couldn't do it. Really thought I was onto something this time. Obviously not.

I'm sorry to let everyone down, I feel like I've just thrown every bit of support and advice back in everyone's face. Had a s**t day and just caved. I know why I began thinking about it but I can't explain why I did do it or why I couldn't stop once I'd started. Same old story, lost the first lot of money and started chasing. Could have withdrawn plenty to make the losses minimal, but that's just not good enough is it? No, got to win back all that's been lost and then some. f**k me, what is wrong with my brain? Now I'm mad and upset with myself. Why did I ever start gambling in the first place? I always thought it was a mugs game. I was right, only now I'm the mug.

I thought about disappearing for a while, give myself time to forget the extent of what I've just lost but that's just taking the easy way out. I also thought about lying about it and pretending it didn't happen, but what's the point. I lie to everyone else, what's the use in lying in my own diary. So I'll face up to what I've done, here at least.

So Day 1 starts again tomorrow. There are no positives to today.

I haven't really got much more to add other than to anyone reading, please don't pat me on the back, tell me it'll be ok and to keep trying. It's not going to do me any good. I will keep trying but it's not ok. I don't want it sugarcoated. I failed miserably today and I should feel like c**P. I have to feel like c**P to make me want to stop again and not do exactly the same tomorrow.

Today I gambled and lost. From this moment I will pick myself up and start again

Hi Jess,

Thanks for sharing your honest post, don't be too hard on yourself, this addiction is awful, and I will say well done for getting straight back up and carrying on,

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, I appreciate the post, it set me off crying again but as long as I'm crying I'm not gambling. I have to get over it, burying my head in the sand just isn't an option anymore.

The rest of this post is for me, so I never forget how s**t I feel right now.

I'm feeling mighty sorry for myself and quite a few tears have been shed tonight. I've tried and tried and tried to write things down but to be honest, there's just too much, it keeps making no sense and it just keeps setting the tears off again.

The short version is me and my sis have fallen out. I've told her far too much over the years and it just gets flung back in my face whenever she feels the need. I made a conscious decision a while ago not to tell her as much and had to tell her a lie, a harmless lie, about something. I got caught out.

She's decided I'm a compulsive liar, sly, devious and I manipulate her. As a result she wants nothing more to do with me and therefore she will not allow my nieces to have anything more to do with me.

I tried to make amends today but she's having none of it. I spoke to my parents, who have said they aren't taking sides, but guess what, they are. They pretty much said, everything I say to them they will tell my sister, she has a right to know. The same doesn't apply in the opposite direction. I'm the one who has upset her and therefore she can say what she likes to them in confidence because I was in the wrong. I was, I know I was, but I don't know what else I can do but apologise, which I've done.

I ended the conversation by shouting 'screw the lot of you' as I stormed out the house. Not my finest moment I admit. I have since apologised but I'm not sure how I go about forgiving them for picking sides.

None of this has anything to do with gambling. But it's the reason I'll never tell them or anyone else about it.

I'm sick and tired of confiding in people for them to turn around and rub my nose in it. I'm not a bad person, I have never ever set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I'll help anyone that needs my help and I'll take other people's secrets to the grave with me.

Gambling aside, I've made some bad decisions in my life but I've always made them with the best of intentions. Stupid as it sounds, the decisions I've made have always been to try and prevent someone I care about being hurt. I'd rather make myself miserable than make someone else unhappy. It rarely works so I don't know why I keep trying.

I've never asked for anyone's help when I've screwed up, I believe in the saying you've made your bed, lie in it. And I do, frequently.

More than anything in the world I'm sick of being told I'm stupid and pathetic. I'm sick of being reminded of things that I'll never forget, just because people think I need to be reminded of them. They only know what they know because I trusted them enough to tell them in the first place.

I don't trust anyone anymore. That goes for my other half, my family and the majority of my friends. They've all betrayed my confidence at some point so I figure why give anyone else something they'll only use against you somewhere down the line.

This is why I'll stick with this site, through success and failure. I've screwed up but I'll not give up until there's nothing left to give. And I'll do it on my own, I'll do it with only the people here that won't judge me on days like today.

Today has been one hell of a day. It's a day I want to forget, but it's a day I refuse to let myself forget