Getting my life back

Morning Jess,

A new day I hope you are feeling stronger.

My brothers have had no contact with me since June, because I could not afford to go down to my nieces wedding,

Non CGs do not understand this addiction/illness fully, they really don't understand what is going on in our heads, whether we are gambling or abstaining, and I would not wish it on anyone.

You are not stupid and pathetic you are like all of us on here, a person that got sucked in to the self destructive addiction, that is gambling, and unless any one has been there they cannot understand the enormatity of what it does to us.

As I said don't be too hard on yourself, it's time to think of you. It's your time now Jess, to kick this addiction into oblivion,

Take care and stay strong .

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, feeling a little better - not much - but I'll get there in a day or two. You're right, I just need to concentrate on me until I get there instead of worrying about everyone else.

Beginning of day 1

It's been a c**P night. Didn't sleep much and then woken by a phone call at 5 with some not so good news. Not a death or anything like that. But not good news all the same.

And of course everything is much worse than it should be because I have the added guilt, disgust, shame of gambling yesterday. I feel physically sick, mainly through the amount of cigarettes I smoked, the drinks I drank and that I didn't eat at all yesterday.

So that's it. I can't deal with all life throws at me and gambling on top. I can't change anything that's happened, I can't change other people's actions but I can change my future. It's my choice everyday whether I gamble again or not.

I'm not going to think about whether I'll fail again. I hope I won't but I accept I might. And if I do I'll deal with it again, because that's what I have to do.

It really is one day at a time, no more looking into the future. I can't say what will happen tomorrow or next week or next month so there's no use in worrying about it.

All I can say with certainty is that today is day 1. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and today I will not gamble.

The account I opened yesterday has been closed, self excluded for 5 years. The money I spent has been replaced from what's left of my savings. And I'm sure I'll be back here at regular intervals throughout the day

I'm going to class day 1 as completed. It's not but I know I'm not going to gamble for the rest of the day.

Still not back to my normal self but I really didn't expect to be. Although I guess the time to worry is if I gamble and don't feel bad about it.

Managed to get a bit sleep this afternoon and had a big dinner. So sleeping and eating are returning to normal. It would be almost impossible to smoke as much as I did yesterday, I've had maybe 8 today but that's less than a usual day. And I'm driving tonight when I go out for tea with a couple of friends. I don't have a problem with alcohol I just don't want to drink today. It did me no good yesterday.

I don't want to go out tonight. I just want to stay locked up in the house on my own. But that's not going to do me any good. So I'll force myself out, force the smile on my face and pretend everything's fine. I know it'll do me good and I'll be fine once I'm there, I just can't be bothered with it right now.

So I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully closer to normality, and ready to start day 2

Day 1 well and truly completed.

So glad I went out. Seems like I haven't laughed in ages and it was only 2 days ago. Funny how when you're happy time seems to fly by but when you're down it stands still and lasts for what seems like forever.

So that's my wallowing in self pity and self loathing done. It's of no use to anyone, least of all me. Onwards and upwards, after all tomorrow is another day

Didn't check in yesterday. No reason other than I didn't have time. Still read other posts when I had a spare 5 minutes throughout the day and I got through yesterday with no major problems.

Day 3, still feeling down about the money I lost. I know I'll have to let it go eventually and I will, but it's still too fresh at the moment. I can't help but feel hypocritical about it. I didn't care about it when I kept ploughing it into the slots but now it's gone I wish it wasn't.

I can't change what's been done or what's been lost, but today I can make the right choice.

Today I won't gamble.

Sorry to read about your relaspe, one thing I tried to do was to try and learn from it, why did it happen, how could i stop it from happening again! Chin up and lets start again, i know in the past when i did relaspe I just stayed away from this site, too embarassed to log on, which was the worst thing I could have done!

Thanks NT and Gav. I will reply to you both as soon as I'm up to it. I really do appreciate the support.

Day 4 and feeling pretty s****y. Full of cold, 2 new coldsores and a water infection. Brilliant. If I could crawl into bed and stay there forever I would.

So just a very quick one tonight to say that all's well. No gambling and no thoughts of gambling, but that may be due to the fact I can barely function anyway - and I'm slightly doped up on lemsip.

That's all I can manage tonight I'm afraid. Going to attempt some tea and then I am off to bed

Day 5.

Thought about giving today a miss, still full of cold and just feeling generally worn out, all I want to do is go to bed. But I think missing days from here could end in disaster down the line and isn't something I want to make a regular habit of.

So here I am. Nothing to report really other than I haven't gambled and I haven't wanted to. Did have a couple of thoughts earlier on about that 1 lucky spin that would replace what I lost last week but it wasn't anything I couldn't push to one side.

Short post but haven't got the energy to think of anything more productive to say so I'll leave it there and be back again tomorrow

Thanks Emily, should get a chance tonight to get round to a proper reply.

Didn't get a chance to write anything yesterday, mainly because I was with the other half all night. But day 6 passed with no problems. Feeling much better than I had been, the cold's starting to go, the coldsores are healing and the antibiotics for the UTI seem to be doing their job.

I want to share something I saw on my Facebook last night. It was from the husband of a woman that works in the same place I do. Basically he was complaining that he had no money, no bus ticket and was having to walk home (roughly 5miles) because his wife had left the pub and gone home without him. Obviously being the nosy person I am, I read through the comments. Her reply almost made my blood cold.

'You're an a******e, you shouldn't have gone back on that bandit, after I asked you not to. It's your own fault you lost your money and are walking home, don't blame me. If you're lucky there'll be a key to get in'

It stopped me in my tracks. There were further comments from a few more people that only confirmed my initial thought - this woman is having her life ruined by a gambler. By someone like me. I felt terrible, almost as if it was me that had done it to her.

I found it heartbreaking actually. She's a lovely lady who doesn't deserve it. So many things fell into place, all the overtime she works, how she's 'always' on a diet and only eating dry crackers for lunch, on nights out she's often wearing the same clothes as she did for the last one, she can only stay for a couple of drinks. I don't mean any of that to sound judgemental - I rarely notice what people are wearing but after saying the obligatory 'you look lovely tonight' you do start to notice it's the same outfit you commented on the time before and the time before that. I just figured times were tough, as they are for most people at the minute.

It just shows you never know what is going on in people's lives. It made me wonder how many other people I know are living with and hiding a gambling addiction from the rest of the world.

Being here reminds you that you're not alone. You aren't the only one that got sucked into it. But it's also full of faceless and in many cases nameless people - which is a good thing, don't get me wrong.

Somehow though, actually knowing another person who is living with a gambler, brings it home all the more. I've met this ladies children, I've heard the reasons they've never have a holiday abroad in the 10 years I've known her, they're saving for a new car, they need a new kitchen, the car insurance was due, the kids weren't well, they don't really like the heat. I'm not saying they aren't genuine, but I wonder how many of her reasons are actually excuses for the fact her husband has gambled away all their money.

I feel desperately sorry for her. But I also find it hard to sympathise with her husband - and I should, considering he's no different to me. All I can feel is annoyed at him, how can he do this to her? Why doesn't he stop?

I guess knowing the people in real life just makes it all the more real. Gambling silently and secretly ruins too many lives, probably far more than we'll ever know.

Hi Jess,

It certainly brings it all home when we read/see someone else other than us with gambling problems,

Well done on 6 days already, reading that last night will make you stronger and wiser to keep abstaining and maintaining.

Take care

Suzannexx

Day 9 and still gambling free.

I'd just like to share last nights horrifying moment. I was meeting some family in town last night. I arrived and needed to get cigarettes and some cash before I went into the bar.

I went to pay for the cigarettes on my card...declined. That couldn't be right so I asked him to try again...declined. By this point there was a queue behind me so I had to skulk out hanging my head in shame.

I next went to the cash point. 40 quid please...declined, contact the bank.

So last night, I had to spend 20 minutes on the phone, in the cold, in the wind and in the rain, speaking to the fraud team who had put a block on my account...courtesy of my gambling transactions last week.

It could well be the most shameful conversation I've ever had. Yes, it was me who deposited £100, then another, then another, then another....for an entire afternoon to an online casino. Yes, that was me, I willingly made all those transactions.

That's a phone call I never want to have to go through again. I'm just pleased there was no one with me while I had to make it. I doubt I'll be that lucky a second time

Yeah....they're the calls we really loathe....regret...despise........FEAR...........let that be the last .........they are horryfying...

Day 10...again. Nothing really to report. Filled in the afternoon visiting family while the other half's out watching the match.

Back home now, zero plans other than watching the tv. But no desire to gamble, so that's good.

Still determined to be as miserable as I can whenever I'm on my own until the new year. I'm not sure if it makes any sense but I don't want to be able to just pick myself up whenever I fail. I think it's important that I do feel bad otherwise where's the incentive to stop?

It makes sense in my head anyway. If it works, fantastic, if not I'll try something else until I find something that does work.

So it's payday tomorrow. I know I've said I'm setting no goals this time and just taking every day as it comes but what I'd really like is for this month to be the first month that I don't spend a single penny of my wage on gambling.

The way my pay dates fell meant that even my 36 days clean meant I still spent money from 2 separate months wages.

To achieve my goal, I have to make it to the 22nd January. To a 'normal' person that would be nothing, to me it'll be a huge achievement.

So my target is set, 32 days to go.

Morning Jess,

Just checking in & hoping you're ok & it's just the mad rush of Christmas that's keeping you busy. I know you want to keep yourself miserable but we can still worry about you being sad!

Look after you - ODAAT

Hi Jess,

Just popping in to wish you a safe and strong gambling free Xmas.

Take care

Suzanne xx