Getting my life back

Thanks ODAAT and Suzanne. I hope you both (and everyone else) had a lovely Christmas. I wish I could say all is well but it's not.

Day 1

I've had an awful Christmas and it resulted in gambling yesterday. Lost quite a bit, could have been more but I have withdrawn some. It's in the reversal stage and I cannot under any circumstances allow myself to reverse it.

It's actually from the website I'd self excluded from after the last failure. To be honest, I'm half expecting an email from them telling me I'm self excluded so they'll just keep everything.

It dawned on me yesterday I'd never had a response from them to my self exclusion. Why I didn't just go with the assumption I was self excluded I don't know. But no I had to check and test it for myself. Turns out my request had been ignored/deleted/on their to do pile/whatever. Top and bottom is I wasn't excluded. No further explanation required.

My week started off terribly. My sister (who I've now decided is actually one of the nastiest people I know) told my parents that if I went to their's on Christmas Day, she and the kids would leave. I told my mam I wouldn't go. Somehow it all got twisted so that I was the one that had ruined everyone's Christmas. I had made the choice not to see my family.

My sister knew exactly what she was doing. She knew my mam wouldn't chose which of us went.
And she knew I'd never ruin my nieces Christmas, forcing me into making the only choice I could. She knew she'd spend the day with the family and I'd be the one in the bad books. Win/win for her.

So Christmas Eve arrived. I've an auntie who I'm very close to. She had a fall about 4 months ago and has been in a lot of pain since. The docs are still trying to find out what's causing it. On Wednesday she fell down the stairs and wound up in hospital after being unconscious (she's adamant she wasn't but I'm fairly certain she was, as are the doctors) They're waiting for all sorts of tests but she's not well. She's just not right, not just the pain she's in, she's just not herself mentally. I know she's in good hands and the docs seem to think what is wrong can be reversed - what worries me is that although they can treat the symptoms they can't find the cause of them.

It's terrifying me to be honest. I work in the same hospital, in diagnostics. I know what the docs are trying to rule out, I know why she's having certain tests. I know why she's being given certain drugs. I just daren't tell anyone in the family, they keep asking what I know about certain things but I haven't the heart to tell them. I don't want to worry them unnecessarily, especially as seen as the doctors haven't. Sometimes I think it is better not to know.

The thing is because there isn't an obvious cause, they're having to look at everything - all the nasty stuff. Doesn't mean that's what's wrong, just they have to be sure that's not what it is. I know all this stuff, I say the exact same thing to the people that I see 'just because they're looking, doesn't mean it's what they expect to find, it's all about ruling things out' I say it to make people feel better, turns out it doesn't work when I say it to myself.

Anyway, saw her last night and she's a bit better than she has been. A little more alert but nowhere near her normal self.

So I gambled yesterday. I gambled to forget about it all for a few hours and it worked.

I'm worried, I'm scared and I'm tired. All I seem to have done for days now is drive. To the hospital, to my Auntie's to collect things, to the shops to get her stuff, to other family to take them to the hospital, all of which I've had to try and fit around the other half and his family so that I don't ruin their Christmas as well. They've been massively understanding, don't get me wrong, but the last thing I've wanted to do is fulfil my Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Boxing Day obligations. All I've wanted to do is cry and be on my own.

Then there's my Christmas present from the other half...an iPad. I really could have burst into tears when I opened it. He's been on at me for years to get one. And for years I've said I don't want one (why give myself another portable device on which I can gamble all my money away) He decided he knew best, and obviously knows what I want better than I do.

I'm going to end up sounding like a totally ungrateful cow now, but it's my diary so I don't care. All I wanted this year was a leather jacket. It was pretty expensive, to the point I could never justify buying it.

Everyone on the other half's side had agreed they'd just give me some money towards it and I'd just put the rest. I'd only have one present but it'd be a present I really really wanted.

So, as it turns out everyone that had agreed, changed their minds and decided to by me a whole load of c**P that I didn't want or need - so that I had some presents to open. I now have pyjamas, slippers, socks, a dressing gown, ridiculous amounts of bubble bath (I use the shower) chocolates (which I never eat and end up giving away) and an iPad (to gamble away my remaining savings). I have the leather jacket too (that I'll end up returning because there's no way I'm paying that kind of money for it)
Bonus - I had presents to open so it's all fine.

To sum up, it's been a s**t week, worse than I could ever have imagined. And who'd have thought gambling could be so far down the list of s**t.

As much as I hate it and hate what I did, it served a purpose yesterday. I should feel worse than I do.

For the umpteenth time. I'm done with it. 2015 is a new year and it is going to be a better one. 2014 is a write off as far as I'm concerned. I'm in this for the long haul and I will get there eventually, however many f**k ups I make along the way.

I feel a bit better after writing it all down so I think that's the approach I'm going to have to stick with. The being miserable one didn't work, I've too much going on away from gambling to weigh myself down with that too.

So I'm back, full of eagerness to conquer this just as I was 2 months ago when I first joined. It's the approach that's worked best for me so far. I'll be back daily to update, regardless of how tired or busy I am. I will find the time to reply to everyone who helps me along the road. I will begin reading diaries daily again and I'm going to use today to catch up on all those that I'm out of date with and all the new names that have appeared since I was last here. Wallowing in self pity isn't any good for me, so it stops now.

Today is day 1 and I'm not going to gamble.

Ohhh Jess,

What an Xmas you have had, I really feel for you in every way, sending you a very big hug((((((J))))))).

I know exactly what you mean about the IPAD, but luckily the sites won't work through Google, it does not have the flash programme.

Make your IPAD a new start, and keep it squeaky clean,,untouched by gambling, that's what I have done with mine lol.

I hope you are going to join Phil in the 2015 challenge, new year new start, and hopefully we will all stay safe and be gamble free through out the whole year,,big request but we can do this.

Sending you positive and strong thoughts Jess, to get through these bad times.

Suzanne xxx

Good luck to you Jess.

I am new on here today and my story is a little similar to yours I think. I am full of determination and to be honest I'm enjoying the first time in my life I've realised lots of real people are out there on these forums who have the same thoughts and issues with gambling that I have. I hope that you do well in your stopping gambling and spend time and money wisely in 2015 🙂

Hi Jess,

Sorry to hear of your recent troubles.

I too had a major relapse although my trigger wasnt family related.

I hope that you can somehow patch things up with your sister and hope your Aunt's health issues are resolved.

Wishing you a gamble free 2015 - cant believe we pay money for all the stress gambling brings yet all those adverts make out gambling is FUN!!

Thanks Mark and Emily, your thoughts are really appreciated at the moment

Day 2.

All's well gambling wise, but not so good Auntie wise.

She came to my dept today for a scan. Obviously I was kept well away from it all...but I've been doing the scans for 10 years. I know what they're looking for. My Auntie doesn't. So I chatted away to her in the waiting room as if it was all routine. I've done thousands of the scans, I already know what it'll show and it's not good.

There's always a chance I'm wrong but given her symptoms and my knowledge of the scan, it's very unlikely that I am.

My colleagues all already know the result, so they're in an awkward position too because they can't tell me one way or the other. It's definitely been one of those days. I've just kept myself to myself all day, which isn't like me at all

So that's it for tonight, I'm not really in the right frame of mind to write anything else

Jess you must not worry about everyone else on here as you need to put yourself 1st, people here understand that! Glad that you have stayed away from the gambling especially under such a stressful situation & just goes to show your strength & determination & it is this that will allow you to succeed.

I hope that you are wrong about your Auntie & wish you both the very best - ODAAT

Hi Jess,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through some tough path. There is not much else you can do darling, your auntie appreciates you being for here and now. Don't overthinking stuff, you don't know the outcome of the test, don't put extra pressure on yourself.

Stay calm and take it easy. I know it's easier said than done. Please stay connected on here or just talk to a friend you can trust. Get your feelings out..it does help. Shared problem is problem halved.

you are in my thoughts, look after yourself and stay strong. Don't let the emotional take over rational thinking .

Sandra xxx

Thanks ODAAT and Sandra, your thoughts are appreciated.

So I was right and the scan did show what I expected it to. But, since then further tests have been done and things aren't quite as bad as first thought.

It's still bad, her cancer has returned and it has spread to her bones. But on Monday I was imagining worse case scenario (as you do even though you shouldn't) 2 days on and I'm finally thinking with my brain rather than my emotions. If I think of her as a patient rather than my Auntie, I know things aren't as bad as I convinced myself they were on Monday.

Gambling wise - nothing. I'm not dismissing my addiction but sometimes life just throws a curveball and you gain a little more perspective about what's important.

The addiction will always be there, I'll always have times I struggle with it. But gambling isn't what's important to me. My family, my friends are important to me, gambling has no importance in my life. Recovering from gambling addiction has.

I will update when I can and I'm taking part in the 2015 challenge so I will be checking in there. At the moment my Auntie and her health is my priority so if my diary has to be put on the back burner for a while that's the way it has to be. But I will still be reading and keeping up with everyone's progress

I wish everyone a happy gamble free new year and I look forward to entering it with you all x

Hi Jess,

Sorry I am late to the party so to speak, I have not been able to spend much time on here of late - I managed to squirrel away half an hour to catch up and read a few diaries earlier, and your posts throughout December ... well, ....young lady I feel for you. I hope you are ok, even if you are not really ok. It sounds like it has been an awful month for you, and I can completely understand the events that have lead up to your recent setbacks.

I completely understand the "dont want to feel sorry for yourself" ethic, I would be similar. I will not preach, Ill just say - you have let no one on this site down, we are here and will remain here just like we were before. We share the same affliction and we know the loop of insanity you felt and the horrible gambling hangover you endured afterwards, we know it makes no sense. If you want to be angry at anything or feel bad at anything then kick yourself over the fact that youve stumbled and now you are back at the beginning of the cycle again where you will be raw, and will have to redouble your efforts not to slip again - then as you say, dust yourself off, get up and keep on keeping on ... again.

I feel something of a fraud offering advice on various things when I am clearly not the worlds most sorted individual myself - however if you *were* to be daft enough to want my advice, I thought about your situaiton and drew some similarities to my own, and i would say just this if it were me...

As hard as it must be right now. Try to compartmentalise the various problems you face. Try as hard as you can to keep them seperate. Deal with each differently and when you feel strong enough, or when you have worked out a coping mechanism to do so - gambling is one of these things. I say this because for me, when things all got on top of me, I fell into a pattern of "treating" myself to a night of debauchery - eat what you want, drink till you cannot drink anymore, and *gamble* with *** abandon. I used my various situations to allow me justify gambling to myself. Instead of realising that gambling was another problem to be dealt with I began to pretend I was using as a crutch for the other ones. it was when this cycle began and I allowed these various problems to become mixed up into one big melange of S***e, that my gambling problem escalated to a point that it was no longer manageable. Dont allow yourself to do what I did, keep your problems seperate.

I know you have always said that you do not have financial problems because you have mitigated your gambling with your savings, but there will come a time when you cannot anymore. I know you know this, and I hope you dont mind me restating a fact you must be all to aware of, but if you ever get to the point where your savings are completely eroded by relapses, your secret gambling life will spill over into your real life, and you will be forced into an entirely different and far more difficult to manage situation - other people (your other half, your sister etc) would then have to know about all this. I felt terrible for you reading your posts throughout December, and I know you have had a (excuse the pun) wake up call, in the phone conversation you had to have with the bank - right now you have a firewall between the gambling and the rest of your life, you have managed to keep the plates spinning. If you allow these two worlds to collide... well you know what I am getting at.

I know things are tough, and as I say I am really not qualified to be giving you advice given the number of wrong moves I have made in my own particular life, but .. Jess, please please dont allow the above to happen - keep the problems seperate and deal with them seperately as and when you can. I say all of this because it was not until my gambling life began to collapse in on itself and into my real life that I suddenly realised the gravity of where i was, I was very very lucky that in the end I avoided the full magnitude of that, but being on the precipice and *thinking* it was all going to come tumbling down, was enough for me. I dont want you or anyone else of our number to feel that if they do not have to.

You *CAN* do this. Ive read your posts sounding positive and organised. You write in erudite fashion, and you clearly are not daft, you have what you need to pick this up and power on through. I feel for you and I hope your Auntie gets the best care, and makes the fullest recovery she can - cancer is a s**t of a thing, and no respecter of who the good people are in this life.

I am going to be back online more as of next week, I hope you will be too. I wish you all the best for 2015, try and keep your chin up girl - you said before that it made you feel better to know that there were people rooting for you ... still rooting for you 🙂

Best Regards,

FM.

EDIT: forgot to say - with regards to the Ipad, install K9 blocker / Web app onto this (if you cannot confide in a friend, then simply make up a random string of numbers that you cannot remember) and youll find that it will be robust enough in terms of security to stop you from any brief "weak moments" - and the leather jacket..... keep it Jess, I know what you will be thinking, youve gambled more money the jackets pricetag a hundred times over, and therefore "you dont deserve it" - ive thought similar myself. However sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves, you have had a s**t Xmas, allow yourself the jacket - dont make it a talisman for the gambling relapse just make it your gift to yourself for now - you dont deserve punishment - to almost paraphrase one of the best on here, keep looking forwards, not backwards. Must dash, I have to go and show my face.

Thanks FM, I'll pop over to your diary later this afternoon.

Day 5 and just done my first 2015 challenge check in. I think the challenge will be good for me. I'm quite competitive by nature, I don't say that to imply I see it as a competition to win, I absolutely don't want to see anyone fall behind. But I see it as a goal for which I can't set or change the goalposts to suit the mood I'm in or the amount of money I've lost.

So a sense of calm descended on me last night. I made the other half go out despite numerous protests from him. He's been brilliant this last week but he's now just getting on my b****y nerves!!! He means well and is just worried about me but last night I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. So for the first time since I discovered alcohol at ? years of age, I spent New Years Eve on my own, stone cold sober, in front of the telly....and I loved every second of it.

I feel in a good place today. My Auntie is still very ill obviously, but she's in good hands. It's something I can't control so I have to put my trust in the Docs. This time last week, I knew they were good. I tell ladies regularly how good they are, when they come to me the day before their surgery and are scared and worried. And I genuinely mean it when I say it. They are the best in the region, they are the Docs I would trust completely with my life if it ever came to it. They are the Docs I want looking after my Auntie.

My sis and I are speaking again. It's still very strained and there's a long way to go but really, the reasons we fell out are so petty, that they've paled into insignificance for the moment. We share a common goal. Make sure my Auntie is taken care of and make sure my Mam is ok. Nothing else really matters at the minute.

The iPad meltdown - I'm following Suzanne's advice. The only gambling site allowed on it is gamcare. I will not be so disrespectful that I use what someone bought me as a gift to secretly destroy his life.

And the leather jacket - screw it, I will keep it and January's wage will be used to clear every penny of its cost from my credit card. I have no problem spending quadruple its value in a blow out session so in comparison it's actually very cheap (and an investment)

Smoking - I'm going to quit on Monday. I'd set the date a few weeks ago and I'm going to stick to it despite everything that's going on. I have about a years worth of e-cigs still from the last time I quit so they're coming back out of the cupboard.

Money - my root of all evil - I will use to clear my debt. I haven't a lot in comparison to many 1.5k (a massive chuck being the leather jacket) and I've always said its not gambling related. I suppose technically it is though, if I hadn't spent so much gambling I would have been clearing it in full each month instead of leaving it to mount up. It's all interest free so I'm not hugely concerned about it. 3 months maximum and that can be gone. Once that is gone I will start to pay back my savings. That will take a lot longer to do but I'll get there.

I've never been one for resolutions, but this year I seem to have inadvertently set a few.

Thanks again to everyone that has sent their thoughts over the last week and thanks again to everyone who has taken the time over the last couple of months to support me. I'm doing ok, I'm a tough little cookie really. And I genuinely believe that however hard things get, there is always someone in a worse position than me, so I try not to complain too much.

Day 5 and I feel safe in the knowledge that I will not gamble today

Good luck for 2015 Jess! We are all with you! I have joined recently and can totally relate to the bank cards declining...more times than I care to remember have I been stood at the count praying my attempted transactions are approved, due to my gambling binge being so uncontrollable I couldnt even remember what I had lost!!

I've fallen off the wagon twice already this month so you are not alone! But now its 2015 and time to kick gamblings a**e for good!!!

Keep strong and keep posting,

Mel x

Hey Jess, thanks for popping by & dropping your kind words onto my diary...So pleased to hear you are feeling more positive 🙂

I'm glad that my diary has given you hope, I mean seriously, if I can do it, anyone can! Did notice that your profile statement rings so true with how I got to where I did & as much as I know not to have regrets, I sooo wish I'd realised that sooner!

Look after you, look after Aunty & enjoy your jacket.

Happy New Year - I hope that this year brings you the serenity that you need but don't be afraid to drop by when you're not feeling so tough! You can do this - ODAAT

Hi Jess,

Good strong post, and 6 days gamble free, you deserve to smile today

Take care.

Suzanne xx

Thanks for the posts Mel, ODAAT, Emily and Suzanne
FM, I will get to replying. Have a feeling it may be a long one so I'll need an hour or so away from the other half.

Day 7, and I'm feeling surprisingly good considering everything that's going on.

Not thoughts or urges to gamble. I think my brain is just too full at the minute for it to get a look in. I'm in no doubt that could change in a second so I've still got my guard up.

I can't believe it was only a week ago that my blow out took place. It seems much longer. Also wish I could say the blow out was the worst thing to happen over the last week. But these things are sent to try us I guess and it's how we deal with them that makes or breaks us. I've decided for today at least, they aren't going to break me

Just a quick update on day 9. No gambling or thoughts of doing so but by God I've been through the emotional ringer today.

Today was the day my Auntie was seeing her oncologist for her results. She wanted my Mam and my Uncle with her. I'm off work this week (by coincidence not intentional) so I've spent the day with my Sis. It's been awful. Not because of our fall out but because of the waiting. Waiting to find out when she'll die. I have a new found sympathy for anyone who's ever gone through it. I always imagined it would be awful but until it happens to you, you can never truly appreciate exactly how horrific it is. We paced the floor for what seemed like hours, we've imagined every scenario you could possibly imagine, drank so much coffee I'll never be off the loo for about a week. And I smoked...s*d it, I'll try that one again tomorrow. Today was a stupid day to attempt it.

However, the news was the best that could be expected. And better than either me or my sis thought. She can't be cured, but we already knew that. The only place the cancer has spread is the bones and the oncologist is talking in terms of treatment to control it. There was no mention of death - which means it's not imminent or even in the near future.

And now I'm knackered, 2 weeks has taken its toll on me. I'm full of cold again, sporting multiple cold sores again. And I'm shattered. I feel like absolute c**P but at the same time unbelievably happy as if a huge weight has been lifted. That sounds so stupid considering, but not knowing is b****y awful. I have my answers and I can now begin to deal with it properly without my imagination running away with me.

For tonight though, I'm going to forget everything. I'm going to stick my pyjamas on at 5pm on a Monday night, switch my phone off and sleep until I wake up