Getting my life back

You will feel shattered, thinking of you, but I know you won't have thoughts at this time, bless you Jess and sleep well.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne. Haven't posted in a while so figured I should check in.

Day 12 and no gambling. No thoughts of gambling either. Also had my last real cigarette on Monday night so that's 3 days almost completed there too. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about smoking constantly for 3 days, but if I'm thinking about smoking I'm not thinking about gambling or anything else...every cloud and all that.

Not been a good couple of days for me although neither gambling or cigarettes is the cause I don't think. I just can't be bothered to speak to anyone. Not because there's anything wrong - there is, but that's not the reason - I just haven't got anything to say. But because I've got nothing to say, that automatically means everyone's worried about me and therefore won't leave me alone.

I'm not depressed, a lot on my mind - yes, tired - yes, full of cold - yes, face full of cold sores - yes, generally under the weather - yes. But I'm not depressed. I just want to be left alone, even just for an afternoon to try and get over the cold and pull myself together. Apparently when you tell people this though it translates to I am depressed and therefore mustn't be left alone even for a second. I've tried perking myself up a bit but this then translates to I'm putting a brave face on so please still don't leave me alone.

It's really starting to get on my nerves a bit. I know people mean well but everyone seems so intent on labelling me as depressed that no b****r will listen to anything I've got to say. I'm obviously saying I'm not depressed because I must be in denial, it's nothing to be ashamed of you know. I bloody well know it's not, and if I was depressed I'd see the d**n doctor about it. Why can't people just listen to me. I have a cold and I'm run down - get off my case about it!!!

And what is it about people wanting to talk about my feelings? Why can't people just say 'if you want to talk I'll listen' that way if I want to talk I'll talk, if I dont I won't. Hell no, question after question after question, things that I don't want to talk about. I rarely open up to people as it is, but because cancer comes into it, it's suddenly open season - any question is fair game. But obviously if I don't want to talk about it, it's because I'm depressed and really should see a doctor about it. I know most people are just concerned but I'm sure there are others that take some kind of perverse pleasure from trying to make me break. I hate being fussed over or being centre of attention, but it seems this concept is alien to the majority of the people I know, and therefore there must be something wrong with me. I just can't win.

Anyway, that rant's released a bit of pent up anger. I am ok and I'm not depressed - I wouldn't lie about it here. I have just got a lot on my mind and suffering from what I can only describe as man flu. Once I shake it, I know I'm going to be fine. I just need for people to back off and give me 5 minutes peace to be able to shake it, although I don't see that happening anytime soon somehow. Never mind, I'm back to work Monday so I'll get my break then I guess.

Hey JM24,

Thanks for your post and I hope you are doing okay...I could be better but after one step forward it's now two steps back.

Take care

Jopski

Day 14 almost done. Again. I'll be honest, I'm getting a bit sick of typing the same low numbers over and over again. I'm going to have to double my efforts to make sure it's the last time I write day 14.

I'm back to about 95% fitness. Cold has gone and the cold sores are getting there. Finally got my day of rest yesterday. The other half was on the receiving end of my fury not long after my last post. However, I don't feel bad about it. He relented and let me spend most of yesterday curled up on the settee, watching my s**t (as he so eloquently describes it) with a hot water bottle and a blanket. Result. Couldn't resist pointing out to him today that (as always) I was right and it was all that was required.

Stopping smoking, well truthfully it could be going better. But I've only had 4 in 5 days, so it could have been going much worse too. As much as I'd like to stop for good, it's not my priority addiction wise. Gambling is still number one.

No urges to gamble today, but last night I could have. Think it was because I started feeling better. Instead I rang a friend. I've cut myself off a bit the last few weeks with everything that's been happening, mainly because I hate the pity party that comes with bad news. Anyway I figured my best friend was more worthy of my time than any slot would be so I called her. By the time I came off the phone any thoughts I'd had were gone.

I'm back to work next week so I'm going to try and get back to some of my usual routines as well. I've done none of my fitness classes for almost a month now and I think that's played a big part in how run down I've been. I've lost quite a bit of weight, weight I can't afford to lose. I was looking at myself earlier in the mirror and I look terrible. I actually look quite frail and ill. I get why people have been a bit worried. I really haven't been taking care of myself. Anyway that'll not take long to put right so it's all good.

I've been trying to catch up on diaries tonight. It never fails to upset me how many there are. I'll rephrase, it never fails to upset me how many people have had their lives affected by gambling. I'd like to be able to take the time to post to so many of them but honestly it's time I just don't have at the moment - mainly because I seem to be incapable of writing less than an essay. Anyway, I read the vast majority so I am supporting from the sidelines.

I've one more post to write tonight and then I'm headed to bed to watch more of my s**t while the other half is at work. Saturday nights don't get much more rock and roll than this!

Saturday nights on this website - how rock and roll are we?!! ha ha

Well done for staying away from this horrendous addiction and I really feel for what you and your family are going through with your auntie - its awful, and you will need lots of strength to get through the dark times that lay ahead. I watched my granda, then my stepdad pass away from lung cancer, and then straight after one of my closests friend with breast cancer (3 funerals within 18 months). Its brings out so many emotions I cant really explain...but for them life has to stay normal for as long as possible!

Big hugs xx

Hey you, this is not pity so don't pop on by with an essay (well, you can if you want), I just want to say how relieved I am for you finally having an answer about Auntie, I am sure the not knowing was hell for you!

You are here fighting 2 vile addictions with the weight of the world on your shoulders, I'm so proud of you! I hope you can see what strength this takes & take comfort from knowing how well you are doing!

Just keep @ it - ODAAT

P.s: So relived to hear you got over that Man flu 😉 A hot water bottle & some dodgy soaps for you, 2 weeks off work & lots of fetching & carrying for the boys, who says women are the weaker s*x?!?

Thanks Mel and ODAAT, I will pop by when I get a chance.

Just a very quick one tonight. Day 19, last day of the teens and more importantly last time I plan on repeating the teens. I did write a great long post on Sunday...and the iPad died just as I was about to save it. I can't even remember what it said now.

Anyway, it's all going well gambling wise. No urges, or no real urges I should say. I've had fleeting thoughts but nothing that wasn't pretty easy to sidestep.

Smoking, well, still haven't stopped completely. I'm limiting myself to no more that 5 a day. Some days I'm having less than that without even thinking about it, but I'm not allowing myself any more than that. I'm happy with that for the moment and more importantly I seem to be coping with it. So i'm looking at it as partial success rather than failure.

All in all, not a bad week so far

Congrats on 3 weeks 🙂

Know that battery giving up feeling...I now won't start a post unless I have @ least 10% of life left, I know how I like to witter on once I get started :-0

Great work on the smoking, it is success & not just partial so be proud & hopefully the days where it is less will increase as it becomes less habitual to you!

Stay strong - ODAAT

Tonight I've been struggling, I've got myself mad and depressed about the fact I'm a gambler. And even though I've got myself mad and depressed, I still want to do it. I'm not going to but I want to. I'm struggling to feel any pride in making it to 23 days. I've been here before and it eventually ended in failure so I'm really struggling to see 23 days as any kind of achievement.

I don't know why I started thinking about it, but now I can't seem to stop. I tried going to bed over 2 hours ago and I just can't sleep because my mind won't stop.

Over the past few weeks I haven't really been using the diaries much. I do want to, I still check it whenever I get a chance but I haven't been reading it properly. I'm beginning to find it a bit overwhelming. I'm not even sure that's the right word. I'm struggling to keep up. When I first joined I read so many diaries, from beginning to end. I sat for hours at a time. At the minute though, whenever I try and read all I find is that it makes me what to gamble, so I stop. Like everything gambling related, it makes no sense to me that reading about the consequences of gambling can still make me what to go and do it.

Tonight I decided to try and persevere and catch up on everyone but I've really struggled with it. I've tried and tried to write down why, but I just can't. I'm not sure what's going on in my head tonight to be honest.

I know the only way I'm going to find a light at the end of the tunnel is by sticking with my diary but I just don't seem to have the same desire that I had back in November. I almost feel like I'm treading water until I gamble again. I don't want to gamble, but it's almost like I know I'm fighting a losing battle and it's only a matter of time before I do.

I feel like I've so much more that I need to write down, to try and make sense of, but I've been writing this for ages now and I just can't put any of it into words. So I'm going to leave it there for tonight, I'm going to have to attempt to get some sleep. Yet again, I'm going to make the effort to post daily otherwise I know I'm not going to last the week

Jess

Addiction, compulsive gambling gave you instant results, the quick fix.

I believe that mentality gets ingrained in our minds, with recovery we have to learn patience, that all good things come to those who wait.

I will tell you this because I believe it true, many diaries are started here with great gusto, recovery is new, it brings it's own excitement, but that excitement has a 'honeymoon' period, after which life can seem like a bit of a chore.

That is when addiction creeps back in, whispers those sweet nothings about how ' gambling' is not the problem you thought it was.

In many cases addiction wins over.

The statistics for continuous recovery in my GA room are that three out of every one hundred folk who walk through the doors remain gamble free for a calendar year, something I believe is roughly true here.

Those numbers are pretty damming, actually pretty frightening.

So from it I give you two things.

The only day that is important is today, yesterday is gone and if you fret about tomorrow you simply waste today.

Counting is not for everyone, don't obsess about it, we are none of us in a competition, some folk find the act of counting feels like they are counting the days until their next punt rather than the days since.

Recovery is bespoke, tailor it to work with you.

Fighting two addictions at the same time is regarded as difficult at best

For it I salute you.

Be kind to yourself, addiction f*****g hates it!!!!

Most of all Enjoy what you are doing

Because it's something amazing

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the wise words Duncs, much appreciated as always. Also - I feel I have to say - perfectly timed to give me the required kick up the backside I needed this morning! Hope you don't mind but I'm going to write my reply in my own diary, just so that I can find it easier if I ever need to re-read it, which I'm sure I will.

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head and put into words everything that I couldn't. I like the term 'honeymoon period' it's exactly what has happened (and ended). I started out so full of hope and determination but it's dwindling fast. I want to beat this, I really do, but I think the reality and the gravity of this addiction has set in now and I almost feel like I've already lost, even though I'm still trying not to. I seem to have lost all confidence that I won't gamble again. The reality is I'm very probably in a battle for the rest of my life. And forever just seems so long!!!

As the saying goes, patience is a virtue and in this case it couldn't be more true. Sadly, patience isn't my strong point, never has been or ever likely to be, which is a bit of a bummer.

However, despite my seemingly negative stance, I am feeling more positive today. You're right, I don't think I can look at this in any way other than each day, and I have to take each day as it comes. I've had the same piece of advice from many others...I just keep forgetting to take it. I get too carried away looking ahead...my lack of patience being completely to blame. If it's a good day, woohoo, if it's a bad day, I've just got to deal with it, try and get through it. If I end up gambling, I end up gambling, what's important is what I do after I gamble. I am prepared to stick with recovery, through the ups and the downs, I really want to be one of the 3 that makes it - not one of the 97 that doesn't.

My main problem is I want it to be easy, even though I know it's not going to be. I want to be 'cured' and accepting that I can't be is a bitter pill to swallow. Hopefully it can just get a little bit easier over time - only one way to find out I guess.

As of today I'm going to stop counting the days, at least for the minute. All it's representing to me right now is when I last failed. It's starting to become a fixation that I don't seem to be able to get past. I remember each one since I joined here, day 12, day 37, day 16. The numbers are embedded in my brain. I remember writing that the higher I climb the further I have to fall and I feel like every time I've failed, I've fallen that little bit further and been damaged that little bit more than the last time. I'll keep my counter running but I'm not going to actively check it or document it.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. This post reads a bit higgledy-piggledy but I'm shattered from my unexpected late night last night, courtesy of my brain going into overdrive, and it's getting too late to try and reword it. So I'm headed to bed and I shall plan for a good day tomorrow rather than worry about having a bad one. Either way, I'll be back here tomorrow.

Today has been gambling free.

Just a quick post tonight.

Never stopped since I got in from work. We bought our house almost 5 years ago...and finally got round to putting up the curtain rails tonight.

On the downside, I'm knackered and still haven't had my tea. On the positive side, I haven't had a chance to give gambling a second thought.

Today classes as a good productive day. Mental not to self...keep busy as much as possible, being knackered and hungry is a better feeling than gambling.

I'm still taking the advice and only thinking about today, whatever happens tomorrow I'll face tomorrow.

So today is payday and surprisingly no urge to gamble a penny of it. Over the last couple of years it's been the thing I couldn't wait to do when payday arrived. It's also been the day of the month I always dreaded. But today that's not the case, I'm not consciously stopping myself gambling, I just don't want to. It actually makes me feel quite positive that some (but by no means all) of my gambling was just down to it being routine. On payday anyway, it's just what I did because I had money to burn.

I've tried to be quite careful with my pay today. I've sat and worked it out realistically rather than just attempting to recoup my savings as quickly as possible. So, I've transferred all the money for bills as usual. I've paid a reasonable bit off my credit card. I've replaced a reasonable amount of savings. And I've left myself a reasonable amount of money to live on for the next 5 weeks. Again I'm trying to take the advice people so kindly offer and become more patient. The savings may have been lost in the blink of an eye...but they aren't coming back that quick. I have to remember that. There's no use in skinting myself every month, it just makes me unhappy and stressed out. And what do I do when I'm unhappy and stressed out about money...I attempt to get it back quickly AND IT NEVER BLOODY WORKS!!!!

Anyway, today has been a good day. I work on a rota and one week in four I start earlier than my colleagues. I have to work alone for about 90 minutes and it's quite intensive work, takes a lot of concentration. I usually spend the time dwelling on life, or singing away to myself - usually whichever song I've heard on the radio on the way into work. Recently though I've started playing my iTunes through my phone, which I just stick in my pocket. I've got all sorts of music on it and I usually just hit shuffle and away I go. I could get anything from Oasis to Barry White, Michael Jackson to the Chili Peppers. You name it, I've got it. Today, the first song to play was Loco in Acapulco. It's my all time favourite happy song. I can't believe anyone could listen to it and not smile and want to dance. So this morning (whilst working alone obviously) I sang my heart out and had a little dance. It set me right up for a good day. I think I'm onto something...I'm going to play it again first thing tomorrow.

Thanks NT, I'm definitely onto something.

Started the day listening to the four tops again, followed by the Temptations and the Jackson 5. Motown in the morning is the way forward I reckon.

Haven't had any thoughts of gambling today and got a lazy night in with the other half tonight so even if those urges raise their ugly head I can't do anything about it. And it suits me fine.

The other half's at work this weekend and instead of fretting about being left alone (how ridiculous does that sound at age 33) I've already made some plans to see me through until about 4:30 tomorrow. After that, I'm going to use the time to sit down with a coffee and catch up on everyone.

I'm very conscious of the fact over the last few weeks I've been all take and no give, so tomorrow I'll try to check in with as many as possible. I know there's been a few milestones I've missed, but I will get to saying my congratulations. Scout's honour!!!

As promised, I'm back and about to catch up with everyone. Cup of coffee, check. Electric cigarette, check Thought I'd start with my own post and take it from there.

Been to the hairdressers this morning and paid using my debit card. That's a first, ever. I always stick it on my credit card to worry about another day. Not this month. I factored it into my monthly budgeting plans and now it's all paid for, no need to worry about it another day anymore. It's quite an uplifting feeling.

It's absolute madness that expenses like having a haircut can make me worry, yet I'll blindly deposit 10x it's price in the space of half an hour and leave with nothing to show for it other than a broken soul and tears.

Anyway, I had arranged to meet a friend in town afterwards for a coffee and a catch up...however he decided to get himself s***faced last night and is too hungover to survive the day (his words not mine) I'm not mad with him though, we've been friends for about 15 years now and although we don't speak a lot, he's one of my best friends in the world and for him to cancel, he really must be suffering. Plus, there has been many many times that this scenario has been reversed and I've always been forgiven, no questions asked.

Gambling (sigh)

Today I hate gambling. Today I'm mad, really mad. I'm spitting in it's face and taking pleasure from doing so. How dare it do this to people, decent, hardworking, nice people. How dare it suck us in, laugh in our faces and make us feel like less than nothing.

Today I hate it and today it will not defeat me.