Getting my life back

Hi Ya...Oh what I would give for Russian brides instead of motorbikes 😉 I delete delete delete but OH is not programmed the same way...If I don't get to them 1st, I have to listen to him witter on about whatever the latest must haves & then if I'm really lucky, get to witness the spectre of his latest build (yawn)! Maybe you need to start looking at motorbikes (a lot) & hopefully these pop ups will replace the tosh you are getting @ the moment 🙂

So it's been a whole week since my last proper post and I'm pleased to report that it's been because I've got nothing to report and I've been super busy. Had the odd thought about some of my 'favourite' slots, but nothing that didn't pass as quickly as it came...and I'm not going to complain about that. Still just taking each day as it comes and I've decided I prefer this approach to worrying about what I might do tomorrow. Hell, I could be hit by a bus and then the worrying would have been pointless anyway....or I could accidentally buy a Russian bride with one of the many pop ups I get and then I've got far bigger problems to deal with!!!

So it's just a very quick post tonight anyway, I'm still reading daily so I'm still in a good place for the moment. The other half is on night shift this weekend so I'll catch up with everyone then when I've got time to sit down properly and be lazy.

We'll be waiting...A bit of 'banter' went down yesterday that I think you would have contributed to!

So glad to see you back & doing so well! Better to buy a Russian bride than waste your money on any of the other pop ups 😉

Mind out for buses - ODAAT

Just popping by to say Hi...Not unusual to hear from you for a while but you said you'd drop in @ the weekend & I missed you!

Hope you're still super busy & keeping safe - ODAAT

Thanks for the post ODAAT, it managed to raise a brief smile yesterday.

Things have gone downhill rapidly with my Auntie, and we were told yesterday to prepare that she might not come through. The doctors just have no idea which way she's going to go. Obviously we're hoping for the best, but aware that's probably not the way it's going.

Just getting ready to go back to the hospital to take over from my Mam and Brother, who've stayed through the night with her.

I know people start worrying when diaries go quiet so just wanted to update quickly so that people don't need to. I'm doing as ok I can be I think, and gambling is the furthest thing from my mind at the minute. But, I'm still aware that the danger is there if the worst happens and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I'll probably not update again until whatever happens happens, but I will make a commitment to be back as soon as any thoughts or even the opportunity to gamble appears, whether that's today or a week today.

Phil, if you read this could you use this as my check in for the week as I'm not sure if I'll get another chance

Hope everyone stays strong while I'm away x

Hi Jess, just flying by to congratulate you on remaining gamble free throughout such a testing time...My thoughts are with you! Keep strong but try & look after you - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT,

So I'm back and still gambling free. I can honestly say I've had the worst week and a half of my life and not a single impulse to gamble has arisen. How, I don't know but God I'm glad.

My Auntie passed away on Wednesday after a week of fighting. Not because of the cancer, simply because of the negligence/incompetence of the care (and I use that term loosely) home that were supposed to be building her confidence to return home after her fall. Although she would have died from the cancer somewhere down the line, I strongly believe that what did kill her was entirely preventable. There is an investigation underway so that's all I really want to say about it for now.

I have still been reading a bit whilst everything has been going on and something struck me last night, whilst I was thinking about things. Duncs talks a lot of what recovery has gifted him. I've always understood the concept of this but found it difficult to apply this way of thinking to my own life - no offence intended Duncs.

That is until now.

Since I began my recovery at the end of October I've seen my Auntie far more than I have in years, even before I was gambling. I was always busy with my own life. I still saw her every few weeks but since I began recovery I've been dropping by a few times a week. I did it to stay busy, it was done for my own selfish reasons but I still did it. In the four months leading up to her unexpected death I spent a lot of time with her. Now I understand Duncs' way of thinking, recovery gifted me that time with her. Had I not begun my recovery I can only imagine the regrets and the guilt I'd be dealing with now.

My Auntie's death is the first close family death I've experienced. I know I'm lucky to have made it to almost 34 before having to go through it. It's still obviously very early days and everything still feels a bit surreal but I think I've finally found my reason for stopping gambling forever.

Today I will not gamble because my time is just too important to be wasted

Hi Jess,

Sorry to hear about your Auntie, but am pleased you have posted and are still gamble free.

Recovery gifts us every day, even on days that we don't think it does.

Keep strong and take care.

Suzanne xx

Morning Jess, sorry to hear of your sad loss & I know it will be of no consolation but she is out of her pain now!

I'm so proud that you were able to spend so much time with her 'towards the end', I have a very different tale to tell & yes, the guilt was & still is sometimes, immense!

Your time is important, you are important! Keep strong - ODAAT

Hi Jess,

I am really sorry to hear about your loss and hope investigation will find justice.

Read your post few times. Very touching thoughts of that valuable time we have with loved ones. I don't want to loose any of it either...i am very very scared of dad's upcoming op..i cannot be there by his side..really wrecking emotions but i physically cannot be there.
you have been there for your Auntie all the way..you gave more than she could of expect. Remember that she will always look after you from the above and feel at peace seeing you putting your life together. No place for self destruction, the only way is forward.

I am very proud of you for staying strong and dealing with everything in your life without escape route. This is pure strength and determination you are showing.

My thoughts are with you.

Stay strong, stay safe..

Sandra xxx

Im sorry to hear your sad news Jess.
Thinking of you.
Mark x

Hi Jess, just dropping in to congratulate you on your 60 days of winning this fight!

I just wanted to let people know that I am gonna have a break from posting for a bit! My thoughts are with you @ this sad time! Keep your chin up & stay strong - ODAAT

Thanks everyone, your words and thoughts are appreciated.

So we had the funeral yesterday and it went as well as it could have. Obviously a lot of sadness but also a lot of happy memories too. I think she'd have been happy with the day if she was watching (she'd better have been watching anyway, I bought a new dress!)

Pleased to report that I'm still gambling free and in all honesty it just hasn't crossed my mind at all for a few weeks now. I'm still very conscious that it will creep up on me without warning but at the moment nothing, and that suits me fine.

I promise I will be back properly and I will be sure to reply to all my friends (I class you as friends whether you like it or not), but at the moment I really need to sleep. I've functioned mainly through caffeine and nicotine (the no smoking's gone totally out the window) over the past few weeks and the tiredness has hit me like a sledgehammer at work today.

NT and Sandra, you both are particularly in my thoughts at the moment and I hope all is well with your loved ones.

My overwhelming thought recently is that we lose so much through gambling - money, trust, relationships, confidence, health, ourselves. But as bad as these losses are at the time they can all be regained or rebuilt with the right help.

The one thing we can never ever get back is the time we've lost. We could have spent our time with our loved ones, our family and friends. A phone call, a visit, even just sitting watching c**P on the telly with the other half, all that time we've spent gambling is time that is now lost forever. The sad thing with time is that you never know when it will run out. When it ends it ends. That's it, game over. There is no rewind button, there is no do over, there are no second chances. It's taken the death of a relative for me to realise how important it is that I don't waste my time on something as ridiculous, time consuming, detrimental and soul destroying as gambling. The people in my life deserve far far better than that.

And...that's all a bit deep for a Friday night while sober, so I'm off to bed to pass out for what I'm hoping will be my first full nights sleep in weeks. Fingers crossed anyway.

Speak to everyone soon, stay safe and gambling free x

Hi Jess,

Lovely thoughtful last post, that does put a hell of a lot into perspective,

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Thanks for taking the time for your last post certainly does put things into perspective. Sorry to read of your loss hope you had a great sleep.