It's time to be honest. I don't care if I am recognised anymore now. I've changed my username to my real initials.
I'm 40 years old. I live with my mum. I've been gambling for 20 years. I split up with my girlfriend of six years just over two years ago. Or should I say she kicked me out of her house and I ended up moving back in with my mum. The idea was to stay here with my mum for a year or so and save up money for a deposit which my mum would help me with. I've been here over two years. I WAS saving up. I saved up £10,000. Unbelievably. And I've lost half of that the past six months due to gambling. My mum thinks I'll be out soon with my supposedly saved deposit. And no I can't tell her as that would destroy her. I work two jobs. I work nearly everyday.
My dad passed away nine years ago and left me some money which I could have used towards a deposit at the time. Instead I lost most of it to gambling. Part of me can't help but think that he wanted me to have money as I was always short (he didn't know why) and wanted me to have what he left me so I wouldn't be short. He had a stroke and I lost most of what he left me. I really miss him.
I got together with my gf and I tried to stop. I couldn't. She found out after about three years into the relationship and was so upset And said if I did it again, she'd leave me. I obviously secretly did for another three years and she found out again. It was bad. She was an amazing woman. I just wish she could have somehow helped.
I don't....look good anymore. I'm not attractive at all. I wouldn't want a woman to be with me. I feel as bad as I look. Things could have been so different.
I believe....and this is the hardest thing. I believe that if I didn't gamble-if I'd never gambled, my dad would still be alive. That I'd be with my girlfriend. In a nice house with a dog.
Unfortunately none of this is the case. I a hundred percent understand why people kill themselves because this is the kind of stuff that can drive them to it. The guilt. The shame. The emptiness. All this is because of decisions I've made which is to gamble. How can a person live like this?
I know it's an illness and I've gotten help in the past. And I've put in place things where I couldn't gamble. However, it all comes back to gambling again. And the guilt, shame and emptiness.
This is me.
Gambling is the great escape. The place we go to to hide from the world for a while. The place we shut of in anticipation for everything to be different just to be made disappointed again when we get back to reality. It is the great escape.
Your addiction is no more or no less than any other addict that has worked in a behaviour. You could have been an alcoholic if you worked at it. You could have been a drug addict if you worked at it. Your choice of addiction was gambling.
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change. Yes you have had a bad ride upp till now. Yes you feel that you have lost the world outside and you are wondering what is the point. The point is the unknown mysterious future and what you were put here on the planet to learn. We are here to learn things about our selves and about our surroundings.
Your obligation surely is to get better make a change for yourself and help others?
If you close your eyes and imagine your ideal self a few years from now. Who would you be. What would you have and how would you feel?
Did you get a picture in your mind on your ideal self? Then that is what you should be going for. Planing is crucial to getting better. Talking to someone is also crucial too feeling better and you should talk to someone now who will listen and who will give you good advice. Do not spiral out of control because that will not help you.
Stay strong and decide to change for a better tomorrow. Start planing and start moving because nothing is static not even you.
I wish you well!
Best
C
Hello MD and Welcome.
You say you know its an illness....well it is an illness and addiction. There is no shame in telling people you love and trust.
You are not a bad person trying to be good......You are an ill person trying to get better.
We understand...you are not alone in your actions. We have done the same and we have followed the tried and trusted advice to start a proper recovery
You need all the reality checks and you need your remaining money protected. This is why the advice is to tell someone in your family
I have thrown countless thousands away but the addiction had made me a secretive J****E as it is mainly a drug addiction......it ends up as little to do with the money even though money triggers play a part...its complex and confusing
It builds on esteem stress and depression issues. My gambling was a drug escape and actually a form of self harm for feeling jobless alone and worthless
I finally picked up the phone to my father because I was curled up in the foetal position crying for three days.
It got that low before I did something to really challenge the addiction. I spent the previous 10 months on the forum chatting away and pretending I was ready to stop...I didnt know any better and when somebody said I was playing at recovery I got angry...that person was totally right!!
I am not a bad person....I didnt know how much the addiction alters the brain to make you think its almost normal and youre just being silly or a bit crazy with money.
Theres a reason to go on.....youve been given a gift of life and you have to look at it that way....all the rest about being a great provider with a house is in your head cos we get brainwashed with it
The happiest man should be the one that gets up in the morning and does what he wants to do.....twee as it may sound now you have to get to the simplest things in life like some fresh air and the birds singing. You see a beautiful sunset over a lake and what price do you put on just feeling alive
one of the most down to earth people Ive met is a nun who took a vow of poverty to help people...she was more aware than Ive ever been
There is a way forward for you and a proper recovery starts you on that path. Again look at what you have...build the relationship with your mum.
We take so much for granted and your health and finances will improve rapidly when gamble free
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
It is a lonely addiction
U need to stop and like me maintain this. This is where i struggle gravitating back.
Once u stop the healing journey begins and what has happened has happened.
You werent to blame for your father. And even tho u blew the money and live with your mam. You mam i would imagine enjoys u being around and you have saved her from lonliness. Even if u need to stay there another 2 years its not the end of the world u keep your mam company while u save for your future. This time maybe get her to keep your savings or money u save in her account.
As for the girlfriend situation ,once u are better and can focus on yourself in time this will change also. We cant give love when we hate ourselves so much and this blocks and kills off our relationships.
When we stop gambling and focus on the future everything else falls in to place.
Yes we have lost money and a lot of it, its all gone but we dont have to have a future like this. We can change and this will give is a better future. Im 42 and similar age but we could have a good 40 years left on this earth to put things right and thats a long time
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