Here again

blackcloud

Firstly well done for admitting you have a problem, it takes huge courage and honesty to do so.

For me I am a recovering compulsive gambler who simply loses all self control when gambling, I simply cannot win because I cannot stop.

There is no cure or medicine to take to stop the destructive gambling, there is simply a choice.

You have to want to stop, to arrest the gambling.

My advice is simple, the same advice gifted to me on my first days recovery.

There is a triangle

Time-money-location

Take one away at all times and the punt becomes impossible, giving you a chance to re wire your addled brain.

There is lots of help out there, take all you can.

Be honest with your husband, it will help you to continue to face your addiction.

Be kind to your self, today you have done something to be proud of.

Regards

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thank you for your kind words! The triangle makes perfect sense.. Time I have a lot off and my has and works nights so I become soo lonely! I'm totally depressed about everything in my life and it's all because of gambling! I want to cry every night! I want to stop soo bad but it gets me every time! I feel like I'm just lost in it all.. I tell myself this isn't the way I am meant to be! I think of my little boy every time I gamble but even that makes no difference anymore! I feel like a bad mother and wife! I just want to stop! It's killing me inside!

I'm going to try and write in this diary everyday ! I apologise of it's just utter rubbish I talk but maybe this will help!

Morning blackcloud

Firstly, well done on posting and admitting to the fact you have a problem. In order to change then something has to change. The triangle does make perfect sense, but often you can't change the time you have I.e when the wee one is down and the husband has gone to bed or you choose to have an "early" night (inevitably with the laptop) leaving him watching the tele. Location is difficult too, your house is your house and your town is your town.......however, think of your location as a virtual one.......as long as you have a phone or a laptop then you can gamble.......so when it comes to your form of gambling you can do 2 key things.....

1) self exclude from your online sites......immediately!! That way you are removing accessibility (location) and will find it harder to transact the gambling.

2) give responsibility for your accounts to your husband. This may be incredibly tough, but removing access is absolutely key.

Here's a quick summary of my story to give some food for thought.......

I'm 41, separated from my wife for 6 months now because my gambling was destroying our lives. I have a 3 year old daughter who I miss every minute of every day and ache to be with her. I know that the only way I can ever have a chance to lead a happy life is by stopping gambling. But as a CG you'll know how hard that is. I am on day 19 of being free - in the last 19 days I've spent about £200 on discretionary spend - embarrassingly I couldn't afford Xmas presents for the people I love. In the 19 days prior to stopping, I lost somewhere in the region of £5k.......the banks money, not mine. Here's the measures I've taken.....

1) admitted to myself I had a problem

2) self excluded from all online and high street bookies

3) been keeping a daily diary on here and developing relationships with people who truly understand the problem but want to be free of it

4) told my parents and wife of the extent of the problem, the money involved and at I need help

5) my mum now manages my bank cards and credit cards - I still do my own accounts but can't access money

Nearly three weeks on and I'm happier, sleeping better, still feeling guilty about what I've done, but relieved that I have no secrets any more and......very importantly......I'm thinking positively about my future free of gambling. Paint a picture of how you want your life to look and begin to feel and want it - change your username - you are on a journey now, not under a blackcloud.......you have found the silver lining!!

All the very very best and know that we are here, we know how it feels and we are as desperate to stop as you are. One day at a time and celebrate your victories!!

Mr Brightside

Thank you everyone!

So today has been terrible! Woke my husband up after him being on nightshirt this morning to tell him I took £750 worth of pay day loans out last night and gambled it all away.. Went to work and cried all day.. Came home and cried again! I told my husband I felt lonely whether he is here or not but he just doesn't understand!

Kept busy until now doing housework etc so haven't really thought about actually gambling but that happens every time I lose a big amount.. I know in a couple of days I'm going to be dying to do it!

All me and my husband have done since I got back from work is argue! Just do not know what to so anymore and I'm absolutely worrie sick as I just cannot pay these payday loans back! I just got out of £6000 debt as my inlaws paid everything of for us.. About £4000 of that was gambling alone!

Interesting to hear from someone on the otherside of gambling! Think it may really help to hear some home truths about how my husband night feel!

I will change my name as you are right mr brightside.. This is meant to be a new beginning!

Thank you everyone for all of your words.. They mean soo much and the support is soo needed! Xxx

Hi Silver Lining(that's what I'm gonna call you now!)

Please please please self exclude from these sites - you can't go on like this with access being available to you easily. Get the software installed too to prevent you being able to use other sites.

You have to create as many barriers to gambling as you can - you need to give full control of your accounts and cards over to your husband. End of story.

re the payday loans, I'm sure you'll be able to find a way to pay them. Set up a spreadsheet that lays all your outgoings down and begin to compromise to get out of it.

Speak to Gamcare too about getting some advice or counseling.

If you don't change then nothing will change - this is down to you.

Keep posting and good luck - is this day 1 without gambling?

Mr Brightside

Okay so I'm doing good soo far! Day 4 with no gambling and I'm loving it!.. I phoned the payday loan company and they extended my loan which means I can pay it off on pay day! Still completely devastated that mine and my husbands pay must go on payday loans!!

This weekend has been soo lovely without gambling! Spent a lot of time just doing normal things like playing games with my son and watching telly with the hubby! Usually I'd have my phone in my hand checking all my gambling accounts to see I I have any bonus money or free money!

The loses are still hitting me though! I've spent thousands of pounds trying to win! I mean I won 8k and spent 5k back on the same site.. It's never enough and I've realised that it's not about the winning anymore just the buzz of playing! I can honestly say if I won 100k I would more than likely spend the lot of it on the same site!

I feel a bit guilty as I know my husband likes to do a football coupon now and again and he can't even do that now as if I know about it and it loses then I'm trying to get back the 10 pound he spent by spending hundreds.. I know it makes no sense! I've realised that I'm always going to lose! I will never get back the money I've spent!

Wishing you all a very happy new year!

To us!!

Love B xxx

Hey hey silver lining

Had a huge smile on my face when I saw that name on the post list and knew exactly who it was going to be!

Day 4 is a great start and even better that you're sounding positive and already seeing some of the benefits of not being shackled to gambling. It's just all encompassing. I had my first experience of that really liberating moment of doing something else rather than gambling and really getting absorbed in it. Was great.

I'm going to be your conscience for a moment though on two fronts:-

1) have you self excluded from your online accounts yet?

2) don't allow, never allow, you can't allow temptation in - it will come and you need to be ready for it!! Remove as much of the opportunity as you can - phones, laptops, iPads etc. - exclusion works, but also bank cards and things like that.

You are doing great - you should be really proud at getting through a weekend and into a new week clean - really well done.........oh, and love the new name!!

Mr Brightside

Morning Silver

You've been pretty quiet the last few days - I'm just checking in to say hi and hope you are still doing ok.

If not, post something to at least let me know you are still looking at the forum. There's no embarrassment in having a relapse girl - just dust down, learn and start again.

Mr Brightside

Hello mr brightside! Sorry didn't reply sooner! Haven't been using the internet much..

Soooo happy to tell you that I haven't gambled since I started this diary.. 3 and a half weeks! It's not the longest I've gone but it's gettin easier! Not going to lie I've had thoughts where I could have easily spent a fortune but for some reason I am able to stop myself just now!

Don't really know what's happened.. Maybe I've just realised that my marriage is worth more that that!

I want a 'normal'ish life.. Although struggling with te fact we have been told we will need to pay £3000 for IVF.. Makes me want to win loads of money when I think about it! We are desperate for a child of our own!! (My little boy isn't my husbands child.. He was from a previous relationship) We are in debt to my husband parents by £6000 and still paying of a £600 in payday loans! Feeling very hard done by right now because of all of this.. I mean my husband has diabetes so has affected his fertility.. But they won't give is nhs treatment because I have a child.. He's not my husbands though.. Just not fair.. Feel like they saying to him if he wants kids he has to find a wife that doesn't have a child! Sorry going on and on about something that no one wants to her about just needed to vent my frustration.. In essence I need 10 grand to pay debts and have kids.. Never going to happen is it!!

Mr brightside how are you? Thank you for following me and keeping check on me! It's nice that I have someone giving me that support!

All the best and hopefully hear from you again :o)

Feels like it's never ending

Hey Silver,

That's great news that you've been clean for so long - if I'm really honest I was fearing the worst - simply delighted that you've been doing so well! You should be so so proud of yourself right now!

That's really difficult about the IVF and the situation with your partner, however, I'm going to ask you to do something........there's a book I've read and listened to on CDs too - it's called The Secret......by Rhonda someone. It's completely changed my outlook on life and how I think. Try it and start thinking and feeling good things into your life.......it sounds like it could work for you and your man - jeez, you really deserve a break. However, you need to stay on the journey you are on - that's the one that ultimately if you have a chance to afford all the things in life you want that will lead to the possibility of it happening......and really importantly you'll be able to look in the mirror and know that ou have it your best shot. Take the other path and you know what will happen......

You are doing so so well - the good times will come, the debt will go.......and you know, I've got a good feeling for you and your man - I think it's going to come good for you girl.

Take care and stay in touch,

Mr Brightside

PS I'm doing fine - 42 days free now 🙂

Hi Julie and Brightside!

Thank you for replying to me! I must say it's keeping me going!

Well this morning I got my husbands phone bill in the post - £100 and £60 of that was gambling on his phone that I had done before xmas.. Is this going to haunt me forever? Feels like just as I think I'm getting there I get a sleep in the face.. And a reminder of how much money I've wasted! Find myself saying 'I just want money' but it's not that I want money really I just don't want to have to pay all out money out to debts!

Mr B I'm certainly going to have a look for that book.. Thank you for being here for me and giving me all this advice.. I'm going to read your diary tonight.. Sorry I haven't before it's just I only have my iphone now and it's difficult to do everything on it apart from gamble that is lol.

Julie thanks for your words.. I take comfort in your words and it really gives me hope that we can make it happen! Could I possibly ask if you ever resented the fact that if your husband didn't have kids then you may get funding?

Hope everyone is well :o)

Beth x

Hello, just reading ur diary and I am a very simliar position to u, I have taken so many loans and when I take one out I say to myself no more what have I done, I'm further and further in debt and it just gets worse and worse . I'm on day one again I feel like utter cr** and I'm seeing that ur doin well and I want to too. I have a family too and I'm ruining it.

I hope u continue not gambling and I hope I do too.

Hello all,

Julie thank you very much for your reply.. I'm glad, I do wonder sometimes if my husband feels angry that I have a child.. But hey he married me and he treats my son like his so probably just over analyzing the whole thing! I'm committed to it and if I gamble there's just no chance we will able to pay for IVF..

Got2bstrong hello to you :o) yes I've been living off payday loans for months on end! It's a horrible vicious circle! So enough was enough for me just after xmas! I have stopped for nearly 4 weeks now but still suffering the consequences financially.. Still got these blooming payday loans to pay.. I pay it back then have to take it out again.. But I'm taking 100 less everything so by the end of march I can be rid of them all!!

All you will be hearing at the moment is 'it will get better' although you've heard it a million times I'm sure I promise it's true.. When you hit that week gamble free it feels fabulous! Don't let you mind fool you into thinking you can just gamble a small amount or do it once.. You can't.. Never happens that way in sure you will agree!

There's time to turn it around and I will tell you something life gets better every gamble free day you have! I've relapsed loads but this time I really believe what in typing! So please just believe you can do it and keep that sense of pride very close to you.. Day 1 is always the hardest.. If you can go one day without it then you can go another l!

Hope I hear from you soon!

Take care all

Beth x

Going to try ur absolutely right I have thought in my head ill just deposit 20pound and see if I can win but I just carry on its quite scary really. I know if I can be debt free a lot of weight will b off ny shoulders. I really needed them loans and I was so glad at

The time being happy to access money but I really wish they never excepted me as now I'm in debt. Well got to pay it off and I probably will feel good once their paid off.

Take care Beth,

I will keep posting its actually helping me see things for what they really are