Here again

.... Really feeling like I want to gamble tonight! Feeling really uneasy.. Pay day tomorrow and not one penny of it is spare! All getting paid out to either childcare or payday blooming loans! Hate having to take out payday loans every month!

Just can't help but wonder why this happend to me.. I mean I'm just a 22 year old women who loves getting my nails done, shopping for clothes and going out for coffee with my friends!

I remember saying to myself when I was a size 16 I would be happy if I was thin.. Then if I pass my driving test I will be happy.. Well both happened but I'm still not happy.. What if I stop gambling and I'm STILL not happy.. There's always something.. Never satisfied.. Is that just life?

My mind just keeps saying if I could just win a couple of hundred pound I will be happy.. But as above I know I won't..

This is soo blooming hard.. Never done anything harder! You all must think I'm such a moan but just need to put it all down in words!

Hope everyone is doing good and keeping the demons away.. Hoping I can too!!

Much love all! X

Hi Silver,

I have just found your diary and I've got to say it's almost like reading my own life. I'm 10 years older than you and have no children but otherwise it's like looking in a mirror!

I have hit a time in my life where I want to sort myself out so I am pleased that you have hit that point so much earlier than me and therefore will enjoy a great life for longer.

I am only 3 days into the fight (this time round) but much like you I really believe in myself this time and believe that I will never gamble again and so my life will become better. Whilst payday loans are hideously expensive as long as we continue to pay them back (I do the same as you: pay it back then borrow the same -£100) they will clear eventually and we can say that we did that - we are strong enough to fight the addiction and make our lives better.

Do not give in silver - you know that it will not make you happy - it will just make everything worse. Look at your finances and work out where you will be by the end of the year if you do not gamble - that gives me the inspiration not to give in and you know that once you have some more spare cash (that you will never have whilst gambling) that you will be able to enjoy all of those "luxuries" again - nails, clothes, lunches - they are the reward for being strong!

Keep going girl - you can and are doing it!! x

And it's hi ho silver lining, and away you go now baby, I see your sun is shining, but I won't make a fuss, though it's obvious..............

Have you read the lyrics to that song Beth? I know that lyrics are all down to interpretation unless you've been taking the same drugs as the writer, but have a look at them............bizarrely, I never thought of them when we renamed you silver lining, but looking at those words and then applying them to you is a bit freaky....

So I take the meaning as being..........everything is a struggle, you try and put a brave face on things but even when it's getting better you take a bit of a knock. You mentioned the weight loss thing so I'm not taking any blame for the reference to "fat" 🙂 But there's a significant pair of lines in that song for you I feel.....

"Anything you want is yours now,

Only nothing's for free"

....the lines that follow could be scarily close to the past too........but that's the past.

The fact that the song references baby, it's all a bit goose bumpy!!

Every time I hear that song I will think of you and will hope that you're still winning, that as long as you're still racking up clean days then "anything you want is yours now", and if you're racking up clean days you won't be racking up more debt. 2 months to get those pay day loans away is the small price to pay for freedom girl.

You are so young, so much good ahead of you, and so many people wanting you to win.

Two things - get your backside over to the Challenge 2014 thread that a lot of us who stopped around the same time are participating in, it could help. The second, be proud of what you've achieved so far - payday tomorrow guarantees you a chance to take another bit of the debt away - gambling any of it to try and win more guarantees you more sleepless night, more payday loans.......and to look him in the face again looking for forgiveness. Simply not worth it.

You are amazeballs B, keep it up!

Mr Brightside

PS have you looked out The Secret?

Hey Beth

Where are you girl?? Make a post to let us know how you're getting on!! Hope all ok.

Take care and stay strong,

Me Brightside

Hello Mr B!

How are you? I'm still about just lose patients with this iphone!! We don't have a laptop anymore as my husband broke it a couple of months ago.. On purpose may I add! So it takes me forever to type my diary on the phone and half the time it doesn't post or it posts twice lol..

I'm still gamble free.. Day 37!! Finding myself getting really bored just now though! Hubby done a few football coupons and he loses it makes me want to gamble!! So had the itch the whole of last night an today.. I guess the only thing that stopped me was the fact I would have to admit it on here to you and I never want to be on day 1 again!!

I've been listening to that song on YouTube and strangely I related to it as soon as I read the lyrics! I guess I did interperet it the way I wanted to hear it but it actually made me feel happy!

I haven't purchased the book yet.. Just can't afford it but I have a birthday coming up soon so put that on birthday list for the hubby lol..

Would love to join the challenge! Where abouts do I do that?

Are you managing okay mr b? I'm forever talking about me!!

Samorgo - thank you for your words! It's just fab all the encouragement I get from everyone! Your all soo kind! Wish I could sit down and have a cuppa and a face to face conversation with you all! We can all do this..

Much love guys!!

B x

Hey Beth!!

Just a quick one - great that you are here!! 37 days is awesome. I'm running the 2015 Challenge - click on the "overcoming problem gambling" link on te left hand side and look for the 2014 Challenge - have a look through it - requires a weekly check in and stuff - it's great!!! Get on over there!!

Catch up soon and persevere with the iPhone!! Lol!!

Mr Brightside

Yeah come and join us silver lining, its a great support network.

I have been touched tonight reading your diary, myself and my wife are currently going through IVF, we are lucky enough to qualify for it on nhs. Our first attempt was successful but sadly we miscarried 🙁 if there was ever a time I thought I would gamble again then this was it but thankfully my strength and wits took over.

I wish you and yours the best and hopefully you can get your treatment soon.

Del 🙂 173 days GF

Hey girl,

It's been 2 weeks of silence from you and just wanted to drop a note to say hi and hope that life is treating you alright?

Would be good to get a short update.

Look after yourself and hope things are on the up.

Mr Bx

Hi all,

Well all was going well until the start of this week.. i started gambling again.. not much just £10 each night then last night i spent £250.. what is going on? Cant believe i have ruined 2 months .. what a waste! im soo angry - just feel like crying all the time - my husband has lost all trust once again - we were just getting there with trust and ive blown it again! Ive put betfilter on the laptop so cant do it now - what am i going to do? ive spent ALL our money - i cant even do a food shop now! Im soo selfish and hate myself soo much!

I started a new full time job 2 weeks ago and have been soo stressed - not making excuses but i just cant control myself! What an absolute idiot I am!

Mr B i hope you are well! Sorry i havent been in touch - guess i need to start using this regularly again!!

B x

Hey Beth,

It's so strange that I had just finished a post and was about to start looking for your diary - it was a couple of weeks again since I'd last been on and I wondered if you were still reading and not posting.

I know you'll be really disappointed in yourself in what's happened this week, but the last few days have been a learning for you. Take those learnings and apply them, spend more time on here, use it when you have an urge, build the barriers, demonstrate to your man what you are willing to do, self exclude, hand over the finances, - £300 is nothing to have spent if it was the last proof you needed to give yourself that you simply can't win and that the "buzz" just isn't worth the aftermath.

I'm not disappointed in you, I'm excited for you.....maybe you needed this to stop.

Join the 2014 Challenge thread Beth - it will help - I sense a loyalty in you that you will not want to let the team down and this will spur you on. At least think about it.

Take care and remember, what's done is done, you can't influence it now.....you learn and think about how you can positively influence today, and tomorrow.

Mr Bx

Mr B thank you for encouraging me to join the 2014 challenge, I think it will help! Do i just write in the challenge once a week or what do i do?

Today has been a good and busy day! Didn't really think about gambling today - cleaned the car, did the housework & cooked the dinner! Although I don't gamble during the day anyway it's usually at night time when the hubby goes to work.. think i just get lonely! Just going to go to bed when he goes to work.

Been having bad dreams again though.. I noticed that when i stopped gambling i wasn't having nightmares but as soon as i started again there they were. It's petrifying and can honestly say i sleep 100% better when i don't gamble..

Anyway hope everyone is well!

Much love

B x

Hey Beth,

Good to see that Day 2 is nearly over - you're def gonna get there this time Mrs. I've done the update tonight on the Challenge thread so you can go and have a look - it's got instructions for you - lol!!

Have a great week and try to sleep well - every time you lay your head on your pillow and you've not gambled, be proud.

Catch up soon,

Mr B x

Hello all,

Well day 4 has nearly been and gone, all is well apart from feeling poorly! Flu AGAIN i think.. 2nd time in a month.. honestly feel soo run down! Didn't sleep well again last night either - tossing and turning!

Today has been okay - haven't really thought about gambling until i came home and realised i had £100 on my credit card - feels like I don't have much to lose (in way of days).. just want to fast forward to a number of days i can be proud of - 4 days feels like nothing!

Anyways amigo's take care and have a lovely evening

B x

Hi Silver

4 days is a huge achievement so you should be proud of yourself. I found the first few days by far the hardest of all so dont forget to give yourself a pat on the back.

Well done

Linda

Hi silver thought I'd drop by as I too am in the challenge and we'll done on day 4 hang in there from another teuchtar hitthefanx