Here goes nothin :-)

Hi all

just calling in. thanks for the posts. really appreciate them.

no gambling today. thats 2 days (again). feeling a little tired, under the weather. feel like i'm 'coming off' gambling again, like coming off a drug. hard work!!!! gonna go now watch heroes.

nite all, take care, claire xx

Claire

Thats a familiar feeling, keep strong and fight those urges. Hope you are able to "switch off" while you watch T.V. You need to give your mind and those urges a break!

You can do it.....

X Doodle X

hi claire...just cheering you on 🙂

you CAN do this.

xoxo

Hi all

thanks to everyone who's replied.

i CAN do this. starting to think some of it is to with self belief. dont think i believe in myself, in my abilities to cope. i can cope without running to an arcade when th s**t hits the fan, i can do this, i am a very capable 29yr old woman! this is a nice state of mind. hope a lasts a while, i can live with this! 🙂

take care all, claire xxx

Claire!

BRILLIANT! That's it! You can cope! You can do it! Think of all you have coped with so far - and you have kept on bouncing back and trying again! That takes great courage, my friend! Courage, and determination - two of YOUR qualities that will serve you well! I am so happy for you, Claire.

Love,

Kerrie

Claire

You've found the right mindset there, positivity, focus and belief in yourself.....like it!

You know that you really do want to give up, you've proved this through your efforts. I'm sure if you can keep that mindset most of the time, you will be able to tackle the urges or temptation when they come around.

I have made numerous attempts before this time, but with perseverance, things have finally started to come good. As kerrie says you keep " bouncing back"......

"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it - but all that had gone before."

Keep that positive mindset...

X Doodle X

Hi Claire

I am now at Day 4 and its a lot down to you guys here and really feel a kind of peace in my mind now.

Still find I wake up each morning feeling weird for a moment it's a

somethings wrong feeling

a bit like when u wake up after a big loss!!

Then I realise really quickly that

I haven't gambled and I haven't lost any money

can only think in a perverse sort of way I am missing the strong emotions gambling brings even tho they soooooooooo destructive.

Is this just me??

Glad you are back on track.

Take care

W x

Hi Claire, glad you hear you are being so positive. Have no doubts, you can do this.

Love as always Jan

Hi Claire - Hope you are ok. I've been writing a few replies and it struck me what a diverse range of people we are on this forum. Our addiction takes no account of age, gender, career or location. Isn't it brilliant that a young lady like yourself living in the north can converse and encourage an old fella like me living in the south. It's unique I think and a wonderful part of the recovery process. This is a completely baffling addiction but you have a great chance of overcoming it - now. Even though you are having your ups and downs I sense a person who loves life and wants to give life. Keep fighting and gaining in self confidence Claire, You can do this.

Sorry for waffling, take care

James

Hi Claire!

You ok? Sending you lots of hugs.

Love,

Kerrie

hi claire

just back from vacation and wanted to give you a hug...how are you???

xoxo

Hi all

thanks for checking in everyone. hope you're ok peg 🙂

had a good few days feel alright. have taken a long look at my progress in my recovery over the last few days. although i'm still gambling on occasion i feel like i've made great strides. i no longer stand at a bandit in the pub on a night out, i no longer frequent the local bandit shops.

i feel i have made progress and as i have acknowledged this the urges seem to have lessened some (this could be the anti depressants?)

my only thing that i just seem to not be able to get a grip on is when i go to bingo. i think i've convinced myself that its on a smaller scale, less money per go, smaller jackpots etc. its almost as though my brain knows this is my weak spot so all my urges are focused on this.

i've been worrying and thinking about it alot and i went for my counselling today (session 11/12)

she said that she'd spoken to her supervisor and while i've made great strides/progress they think i'm just not ready to quit.

i didn't know how to take this (was a little hurt) and i had a little think about what she'd said and i think she's right. i'm happy with the things i've changed and stopped but i dont want to stop at the bingo, i've stopped all the other ways i used to use bandits so if i REALLY wanted to stop at the bingo i think i could put up a better fight than i have.

i also said out loud, but i want to stop, i know this is not right for me. as i said it i heard me, but i felt nothing. i have no fire in my belly! no motivation. i was going through the motions. i know it in my head but i dont feel in my heart.

i do not want to go back to the things i have successfully removed from my life so far and have no intention of doing so.

all my barriers wih regards to these are in place and staying there firmly.

i have barriers for when i do go to the bingo, limited money, no bank machine card (dont carry it anyway -sister has it)

the scenario usually goes - take ВЈ30 buy tea ВЈ4, buy tickets ВЈ15, ВЈ3 taxi fare = ВЈ22, i then put the ВЈ8 in a bandit. sometimes i win sometimes i dont, if i win i continue to play or if i win on the bingo i play with that. sometimes i leave up, sometimes even and sometimes with nothing. i dont have that awful sick etc coz i've actually only lost £8.

i can hear myself, and i can what whoever reads this is thinking, thats not the point! its what it leads to!

i say it myself, but i dont feel it 🙁

i think i'm just not ready to give up completely, i wish i were but i'm not. when i initially started this journey i felt it, i thought it, i lived it, i breathed it! and that is how i've made the strides i have but i just cant 'put the lid on the coffin' (i seem to put pictures to everything i think and feel - this is how i see my addiction, laying it to rest, the loss is so great its like part of me has died at times) that might sound a bit melodramatic!

my counsellor asked me why i can say 'no more' to all these things i've turned my back on. i've talked about the adverts for online stuff and how it annoys me that they're trying to tempt us but that it doesn't work with me because i know where it will lead. yet i cannot turn my back on this last element of my gambling - i do think its because i'm not ready.

on a plus note she said that when/if i do feel ready in the future i can access the service again for another set of sessions so i dont feel so abandoned - i did when she initially said it!

my worry is now, what will it take for me to WANT to stop. i pray not rock bottom, losing alot more. i plan on making this impossible by continuing with my barriers in place. nothing has changed, i am a CG, always will be.

my last thought is, am i a fraud to be here on this site when i've now admitted i dont yet feel ready to give up completely. i will continue to gamble a little i know this and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't gonna. but i will also continue with my recovery as regards to my other temptations. i will not take backward steps! think i'm set for a plateau tho.

have rambled alot. trying to make sense of the days events, its been a big one, an honest one. i didn't gamble 🙂 i'd be interested in what people think good or bad, you may give me another perspective.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi claire

Firstly you are certainly no fraud, You are making attempts to cut down on your gambling, but not cutting it out completly. What I really admire about your posts is you are completly honest with your feelings. There is no right or wrong way about giving up gambling. I hae had so many attempts and so many failures, we will all find our own way.

I think you are really making a great effort to quit, and if that means that you can't totally give everything up at once, that doesn't matter. Find yourself, find what works for you and keep trying. As long as you keep making efforts, i'm sure you will find hapiness at the end of it all...

All the best as always...

X Doodle X

Hi Claire - As an old, long term, beaten up and beaten compulsive gambler it is sometimes difficult to read posts from younger people because I feel a weary and sad sense of inevitability about the road they are going down. A lot of them come on here for a day or two and then dissappear - i'm pretty sure I would have done the same; you haven't, which tells me that there is certainly no inevitability about your journey. You seem to be 'clinging' onto gambling almost in the way you would an old friend. It's caused you grief, BUT it's also been a comfort; somewhere to escape, something to distract you, the thrill of a win, highs and lows and so on.

Your posts very much suggest that you are the kind of person that will work this through in your own time. Don't ever beat yourself up Claire, there is no need, you are well on the way to beating this and helping others along the way to. Thank you for that. Take good care of youself - YOU deserve it.

James

Hi Claire - As an old, long term, beaten up and beaten compulsive gambler it is sometimes difficult to read posts from younger people because I feel a weary and sad sense of inevitability about the road they are going down. A lot of them come on here for a day or two and then dissappear - i'm pretty sure I would have done the same; you haven't, which tells me that there is certainly no inevitability about your journey. You seem to be 'clinging' onto gambling almost in the way you would an old friend. It's caused you grief, BUT it's also been a comfort; somewhere to escape, something to distract you, the thrill of a win, highs and lows and so on.

Your posts very much suggest that you are the kind of person that will work this through in your own time. Don't ever beat yourself up Claire, there is no need, you are well on the way to beating this and helping others along the way to. Thank you for that. Take good care of youself - YOU deserve it.

James