Here goes nothin :-)

Hi all

just a quick note to say hi and thanks for the replies i've received, i really appreciate them.

feeling much better today. positive and focussed. have taken some numbers to ring for rental properties so going to telephone on monday.

take care all, claire xxx

(((Claire)))

glad you're feeling better today....sounds like you're learning to listen to what CLAIRE needs 🙂

take care of you.

love,

peg

Hi Claire - so good to see you still posting and still fighting.

Hope this will be a good, positive year for you.

Best wishes

James (26)

Hi all

hope everyone is ok. i'm finding it difficult to get on and post with being back at work (first week back is always hectic)

on the up side i'm so busy i've no time to gambel and after christmas no money either at my disposal. will come on for a good post and read session at the weekend.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi Claire. Good to hear from you. It's a great thing that you have work to keep you busy and distract you from thoughts of gambling. I find that's the best thing for me as well.

Keep fighting!

Love, Anna

Hi all

Why is it its hitting rock bottom that makes us see some sense? Why cant i just be normal? have normal passtimes and interests.

I've come so far in my recovery and thats the annoying part. I know what goes on in my head, I can see the signs, I can talk to myself etc but at times i choose to ignore all sense and carry on.

i went to the bingo yesterday and blew about ВЈ300. it was money i needed for a bill and i continued regardless. To say i was furious when I got the big money feature where you can win up to ВЈ500 and only got £60 is a massive understatement!

And yet today it was probably the best thing that could've happened. I know that i cannot win on these machines:-

'I cannot win because I cannot stop'

words there from the lovely peg.

I'm mad and angry and hurt that I have fallen so far backwards. However, I have not often been completely gambling free in my recovery due to my love of the bingo.

My counsellor suggested toward the end of my sessions that although i'd made great strides (and still do have alot of good strategies that do work in other situations - gambling shops etc) my unwillingness to stop going to the bingo actually said I wasn't quite ready to give up altogether. I remember feeling sooo hurt at this. I was in recovery! I did not frequent bandit shops anymore! I'd worked bloody hard at this! I was hurt because I knew she was right - the truth can be a hurtful thing 🙁

therefore the reason i'm posting is because at 12 0 clock tomorrow I am going to the bingo to set up a self exclusion for 6 months. I'm devastated. I used to work there. These people know me. Now they know one of my biggest darkest and devastating secrets and i'm mortified. And yet i completely know its the right thing to do. Its what I want. I'm ready to finish the job off, lay to rest my last demon. I have no control of it anymore therefore I have to give control away. Its all I can do.

I'm a smart intelligent person. I worked 3 long hard years at university to get where I am. I did without for those 3 years as did my family who supported me. And I now know the benefits of this hard work. A full, good wage to live on and even afford some nicer things in life for us all and I am not going back to living month to month, borrowing, feeling like s**t, worrying, ill, sick, tired. I refuse! its now going to be a hard couple of months while i fix what i did yesterday but it would seem that maybe yesterday was the best thing that could've happened to me. I dont know why yesterday was different (its not the first time this has happened) but for some reason it was different.

I emailed the club as soon as i definately decided (because a phone call the following day would have been put off after a nights sleep - see I know myself, the gambler) I clicked the send button and knew it was now completely out of my hands. What a feeling - dread, nerves, upset, but overwhelming relief! I have already started with the panic of it all, dreams last night, absolute devastation today - like someone has died, a complete loss. But i've been here before and I know the feeling of control, pride and living life to the full and i know in time I will replace these negative feelings with these good ones. I want my life back (again!) and I'm going to bloody well take it!

Will ring counselling service and register for another 12 week course before I go to the bingo at 12.

If anyone reads this before 12 o clock tomorrow please think of me and maybe offer up a little prayer of support (i'm s******g myself 🙂

Take care all, claire xxx

hey claire,

youve said it all yourself and you no your doing the right thing. by 12.30 you will be so proud ov yourself for what you have just done rather than the day before when you felt so angry with yourself.

sorry cant pray for you im a non believer but i will be thinking bout you at 12.00 and hey you might be s******g yourself now but when you walk out ov the bingo hall your head will be fully held high !!!!!

take care and STAY STRONG

Ged

Hi Claire! I will be saying special prayers for you, not just at 1230, but every day. I am SOO proud of you for self excluding. I haven't had the courage to do that yet. I know it must be devastating, but like you said, you've lost control, and now you must give the control to someone else.

Ged is right. You will be so proud of yourself, and things can only go up from here.

Keep looking forward, sweetie.

Love, Anna

Hi all

I did it!! Hardest thing ever. Felt horrendous but as I walked away I felt brilliant. My exclusion is for 6 months at which time I can decide what I want to do. I told him that there is no way I can play machines in a controlled way so thats not an option for me and he said that was fine. Feels a bit wierd knowing I CANT go there anymore but then it feels a relief. things are on the up.

take care all, claire xxx

Way to go Claire!!!!!

XOXOXOXO

Hi all

thanks to anna and ged for their replies. really appreciate your support.

Feel very strange at the moment. Trying to work out my money so I can get the loss dealt with quickly and get back on my feet. Am on holiday from work and have no money which is a bummer but also a feeling I need to keep hold of and remember. I know this feeling but I had started to forget, maybe even become a little complacent. forgetting is good, complacency is not. Definately let my guard down for things to become as bad as they have again. I am a different person to what I was first time round, I know more things about this illness, I know more about me and that makes it easier to get firmly back on the road of recovery.

Am keeping very busy, although i am off work still have lots of planning and preparation to do, going visiting my nanna today, lunch with a friend tomorrow and some wedding preparation with a friend on friday. busy, busy, busy!

I went to see about counselling and it turns out the place I went to are not funded for gamblers anymore, only drugs and alcohol. There are no specific addiction counsellors in the area and limited to how far I can travel as i dont drive. They did however give me a number of a lady who does hypnotherapy in a natural health centre. not sure about this, its 35 quid a session which i'll pay if people can recommend? i'm not wasting my money if its rubbish.

anyone who knows anything aboout this? drop me a line letting me know.

I'll post in overcoming problem gambling too. see if anyone knows anything.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi There

I don't think hypnotherapy would work, but that's my opinion.

Surely we need to change our inner self to be able to live without gambling.

When I went to my first G.A. meeting I was told that there is no 'magic' pill to beat this.

Only I can change this by realising I had a problem and that the gambling had me'licked' I needed the desire to stop gambling and change 'me'

I think, if this hypno stuff worked, there wouldn't be any compulsive gamblers in the world.

But like I said this is only my opinion and I'm only 1 little person. It would be good to read other peoples thought on this.

In the meantime, maybe try and find a G.A room and keep posting on here.

Stay strong.

God Bless

Charly

Hi Claire. I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a counselor. But, don't give up. Perhaps your doctor can recommend someone that you might not know about?

Regardless, you're doing the right thing exploring every avenue to help you. I'm so glad that you came back. I know you're struggling a bit right now with finances, but I believe that will sort itself out in time. (I have to believe that for myself as well!)

Hang in there sweetie!

Love, Anna

Hi all

feel really strange about my bingo self exclusion. i dont remember half the time. think about going there tonight and then i think oh no i cant. its good that i cant, am relieved that i cant but it is wierd. will have to fill my evenings with other passtimes which i have already begun to do. Line dancing on a monday, exercise class on a thursday - trying to get fit without going to the gym! have lost nearly a stone. woo hoo! things are on the up.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi Claire! Dance classes sound like a great idea to lose weight without the gym. Maybe I'll look into that.

I'm so glad you self-excluded, because that takes any choice away from you, and weven when you're feeling weak, you CAN'T go. That is exactly why it was important to do. In time, you'll get used to the idea of not going, I think, and it won't seem so strange.

I'm really proud of you girl!

Love, Anna