Here goes nothin :-)

Just a quick note to say hi. Hang in there

Mark

Hi all

have decided i need to be pro-active in my recovery. rather than saying theres no GA meeting and leaving it i decided to look around and see what else there might be. have ordered some literature so i can try and understand this a little better but i also found this:-

CADAS offers a free and confidential one to one counselling service throughout Cumbria for any one over the age of 19, who has a drug, alcohol or gambling problem.

this is in my area and was initially just for drug and alochol addiction, well now they've extended the service to gambling addiction to. gonna phone tomorrow for more information. feel that some counselling may help, had some when my partner died and it helped. feel alot more positive. feel i needed to take a positive/active step. i know i had already by coming here and i would not have come this far without the site and all of you 🙂

just glad i've found something hands on.

take care all, claire xx

Hi, thank you for your kind posting on my diary. You have obviously had a lot of sadness in your life and you came through in one piece, so I can tell you are strong enough to beat this.

Where you live sounds similar set up to me. Three arcades in town centre. And I have done similar things like you, gone out and then spent half the evening in the arcades and sometimes had to go home as either too late or spent all my money. Its not a good feeling.

The trouble with this addiction is the effect on our memories. We seem to forget so easily how cr** it makes us feel within a short time of having that last gamble.I equate it to when I have had each of my pregnancies, going through labour I vow I will never want to go through it again, the pain etc but within giving birth my brain forgets all the discomfort and I bet there are lots of women out there who have said like me "I cant wait to have another one!"

I find when I have spent out gambling I swear I will never want to feel the pain again, but it only takes a few days before I start wanting to feel that rush again.

But I know I have to muster up all my willpower this time and I constantly remind myself of those bad feelings. It isnt just our lives but the lives of those around us that are effected. So dont beat yourself up about your slip, I have been there and as long as we continue to try and try we will get there.

So good on you for seeking whatever help is out there and I know you will beat this. all the best Joy

hi all

thank you (((joy)))

am just about to sign off and go to bed, i noticed you had posted me.

your kind words will set me up for good nights sleep 🙂

night all, claire xxx

good on you claire on the positive move i like yourself could not of got as far as i have without this site its been a godsend.Next week will be my first GA meeting a bit daunting but still gonna give it my best shot.

Wishing you all the best and together we can all do this.Keep up the good work and keep posting

Craig

Hi all

have had a few funny days. have felt quite unsettled. finally rang about the counselling today, am on the waiting list n it shouldn't be long. its taken me this long because i was so nervous/worried about it. dont understand why tho? have taken a positve step that i was pleased about but when it came to monday i couldn't telephone them. am glad i've done it but still feeling apprehensive, dont know if its maybe the unknown? i have not played bandits since friday and do not intend to.

have told another friend today about my recovery. its funny how everyone knows there is problem, its no great surprise to them, yet its never been spoken about until you're on the other side of it, trying to fight it. she was lovely about it. i dont see her often but shes one of those friends that after 2 mins nothings changed, conversations flowing. she was surprised at some of the things i told her, about taking other peoples money to gamble - but then she just looked and said 'but thats not you, its not what you would do!' i explained about how gambling makes you a different person, a liar, a cheat, desperate.

she said it must do because i'm not that person. i felt really touched, this particular friend of mine would tell me if she thought i was horrible/ a thief whatever. she pulls no punches! but she didn't and that meant alot. she didn't profess to understand but she knew it must be bad for me to turn into this other person. i'm glad i talked to her, we've always been close, i'm her children's godmother - so she must think i'm of good character to trust me with that responsibilty. i feel good after the talk with her. its made feel lucky. i was lucky to have a supportive family and a couple of friends i could tell but i realise now i have a supportive GROUP of friends i can talk to. i can talk to them, they understand and if they dont they still listen and try to. that means alot. i feel that maybe i underestimate them, myself, our friendship.

i feel lucky today - and thats without gambling 🙂

hope everyone is ok, thanks to those who have post on my diary, i always appreciate it.

claire xxx

Hi all

just been looking on jims diary. what a wonderful achievement, 1 year! i haven't anything to report really. just usual mundane weekend really. think i need to give myself something to look forward too, feel like i'm in a bit of a rut, only doing supply work at the mo so dont have the finances to do lots of stuff. when i do tho i will be taking a leaf out of your book peg, manicure, hair done, i love getting all that stuff done, makes me feel nice. as for something to look forward to - my sisters organising a weekend in Blackpool - gambling capital of england. this isn't until july but dont know that i want to go. want something to look forward to, not my biggest challenge/test to date!

need to have a think about my summer - make plans.

Take care all, claire xxx

i pampered myself this weekend claire...was long overdue 🙂

claire...a mundane weekend is not 'nothing to report really'...think about what you're NOT reporting! a mundane weekend is worth celebrating.

even boring days are wonderful days, now 🙂

love,

peg

xoxo

Hi all

sounds like a nice weekend peg, pampering.

even boring days are wonderful days, now 🙂

you always get me to put things into perspective peg, sometimes i dont post because i feel i have nothing to say. yet if i've something terrible to report i'm straight on here.

sat thinking now and there have been some positive posts - reporting happy news. they're usually eventful rather than done nothing today but i didn't gamble. maybe i should make more of these posts - these days could be more of a triumph because i didn't gamble and i wasn't occupied?

some things to think about.

Claire xxx

Hi all

haven't posted for a few days. not feeling to good at the minute. still not gambling, although i've had my slips (in pubs/bingo) it was 7 weeks on thursday since i gambled in a 'bandit shop'. this is where my greatest losses took place (ВЈ1200) one time in a sitting. i'm not justifying my slips but i do take comfort that they were no where near this amount of money - this being because i just dont have access to that kind of money anymore. am in a bit of a lull, feeling a little down. have waited til i had some money and am now investing in some literature about CG - am hoping this might help and renew some of my lost enthusiam for my recovery while i'm waiting for my first counselling appointment. on a happier note i was able to buy myself a new top off ebay, i was desperate for it at xmas but they didn't have my size. was looking and there it was new still with tags in my size and for half the price. not only have i got the top i wanted i also had the money to buy it there and then. it was only ВЈ11 but when i gambled i didn't have money, it ALL went into the bandit until had nothing. it has been about 5 yrs since i made a purchase without planning, just having the money to buy it. had it been more expensive i would not have been able to as i am trying to settle my gambling debts but i believe i can have a small treat. i used to deprive myself - i cant afford that, then walk down the road and lose £200 in half an hour. i was not rationale then, now i am. and i'm living again. although i'm feeling a little low i know how i'd feel if i were gambling and this is nothing compared to that pit of misery.

hope everyone is feeling ok.

claire xxx

claire,

your new top (((hugs))) good for you...feels good when we do something nice for ourselves... for *me*, there are a lot of issues, regarding money, that need to be addressed *aside* from my gambling...the fact that I have never been able to delay gratification...if i wanted something..the fact that i couldn't afford it was not a consideration...i would deal with that later...LONG before I started gambling I ended up deep in credit card debt... have never really had a healthy respect for money...am working on that 🙂

gams (posted here a few times) has a 48 hour rule...and i like it...if i see something that i HAVE to have...wait 48 hours..if I *still* have to have it..go get it...usually, i don't 🙂 and am glad that i didn't make the purchase.

patience...that sure isn't something I've been blessed with...but am learning.

sorry you're feeling low...as you know, i've had quite a few 'episodes' like that...I think it's just a part of the process...it will pass.

glad we're not in the 'pit of misery' any longer.

love to you,

peg

xoxo

Hi all

haven't posted for a while. feeling really cr**. dont know if its coz i haven't posted on here for a while or what but i had a really bad slip. ВЈ200. the stupid thing is just as i was leaving i went on a different machine and won ВЈ260, recovery has obviously had an effect on me because 2 months ago i'd have considered this a success. this time i felt sick, anxious, panicky, upset. i walked away, came straight home to my mum - who i was two hours late for (old habits die hard) - and told her what i had done. i had stopped having access to large amounts of money but had become a bit complacent i think. we're back to me having no more than £10 on my person at any time. mum was a bit upset with me but i think had i turned up empty handed it'd have been worse (the money was hers). have been feeling like i didn't want to post on here, couldn't be bothered. dont know why this is? thought it could be because its a bit like a diet, you're all fired up in the beginning being really good, then you get a bit complacent have an odd treat and then it goes down the pan! think this was a true of my recovery. need to get 'back on the wagon' so to speak, i want to feel motivated again. have sent for some literature from here and GA. got the stuff from here waiting on GA still. i think someone mentioned a book, could've been peg if anyone can recommend one?

anyway, am starting my counselling tomorrow. am very nervous. dont know what to expect. had counselling once before, it was ok, found it useful. the unexpected is always a nightmare, then more often than not it works out to be good.

feeling quite down about things, especially the slip. am glad i was annoyed at myself despite the outcome though. had i considered it a success i'd have been back there the next day. have been having the dreams again, not just gambling ones nightmares too, have got the anxiousness, upset. hoping this will pass and hopefully the counselling will help. gonna go into chat and ask if anyone knows what to expect, get a heads up 🙂

take care all, claire xxx

Hi CM

Draw a line under it mate learn from your mistakes, YOU are worth it and boll**cks to any1 that thinks different, I know how your feeling and i wish you well in your recovery

Ben last bet 09.04.07

(((((((((Claire)))))))))

i'm not sure what the answer is.

when i am at g.a. meetings..there are some 'old timers' that have been clean for YEARS (like almost 20) and I think...geez...i really don't want to be doing this in 20 years..and I don't....but...the LAST time i quit gambling..i thought i was fine..and I *was* fine...for a while.

i don't know claire... a part of me wants to think 'its CRAZY to spend so much time and energy thinking about not gambling'..ESPECIALLy when I feel so good..strong..like i never want to gamble again...like..maybe just put this stuff behind me and move on to other things..but, like i said...that worked for me the LAST time for a while...over a year, actually...but...that didn't end up so well.

i honestly don't know how long i will do this...or if i will always...but i know that, even though i feel strong...i don't think i should stop today 🙂 being connected to all of you...keeps me grounded.

today, that is a good thing.

glad you're back..and while the experience was painful...it could've been much much worse.

love to you claire

oh! a book

hmmmmmm

there are a LOT of books out there... how about

Willpower's Not Enough: Recovering from Addictions of Every Kind (Paperback)

by Arnold Washton

lots of good info in that one.

xoxoxoxo

love,

peg

Hello Claire,

Reading your most recent post filled me with mixed emotions but the main one was that of admiration for you. Why? because you realised what you had done and then straight away proceeded to put in place things that would see you slip back no further. That itself tells me you have made a lot of progress. Take care. oxoxo