Here goes nothin :-)

Hi all

thanks to ben, peg and TTNY for your replys, they mean alot. TTNY, admiration? that made me feel nice when i read it. its hard to take a compliment at times but i am proud of myself so it makes it easier to take them from other people. its hard to be proud and take compliments when you feel so ugly and ground down inside - now 'i am not gambling' i dont feel like that inside. (dont know if this makes sense)

went for my first counselling session this morning. she is an addiction counsellor but i'm her first gambler. it was useful, i talked and we thought about what i wanted from the 12 week course. i decided motivation and toward the end of todays session i realised i need to talk it out. i've put alot of thoughts and feelings here and thats really helped but to hear myself say things out loud is a very different experience. it hurt, it wasn't comfortable for me to hear it from myself but it was safe and i think what i needed. i dont think i can become complacent hearing myself going over old feeling, emotions, the hurt i've caused. i'm not there to beat myself up but i think i've started to forget the hurt and i need to remember in these early stages. i've got 3months of this to go, i know the progress i've made in 2months if i continue to remember, not be complacent, and grow in my recovery i feel i will not want to gamble and if i do not hopefully the urges will lessen. this is making sense putting it down here. its also something to refer back to if i forget why i need the counselling, peg and i have talked about patience, also in chat last night. i know theres a danger of me wanting to be 'better' by the 4th session so i may think i am. i can look back at this entry and remind myself why i need the full 12 sessions, the full 3months.

something my counsellor shared with me today, told her i would post it on here as it helped me understand a little better.

DREAMS - told her they were back after my slip, she said our brain is like a filing cabinet, retaining and holding the things we need/want in there. we have dreams as they flush out the unwanted stuff. so when you have a dream and try and decifer it for days after there is no point, its your minds way of getting rid. i liked this - thought as i'm having the dreams, i must subconciously be trying to get rid of gambling thoughts, a good sign that i know its bad for me, even though i still have urges to i know i shouldn't.

this is a long post for a quick call in but thats sometimes the way.

glad its a positive post, i feel good today 🙂

take care all, claire xxx

Hi all

just checking in. am feeling positive at the moment, feel i have realised i will never completely understand this illness, if i did fully understand it i would be able to stop. i am trying to get more knowledgeable, i do need to understand it to an extent so i have ordered a book, still waiting on some literature from GA. i dont want to spend the rest of my life like this reading and reliving gambling but hopefully if i heighten my awareness i will retain it as part of my recovery and it will come a bit more naturally. lets face it i was able to retain all the characteristics of a CG and use them for many years. it like reversing my thought pattern i think?? have also started taking turmeric peg, some may scoff but i think its worth a try-i've lost nothing by trying-today i only gain because i am not gambling 🙂

i am going to visit my nanna today and then going out for tea with sister - these are the things i love to do, these are the people i love - i am living again!

take care all, claire xxx

Hi Claire,

just read your last couple of posts. TTny is right, you have gotten straight back on the wagon, admitted your mistake to your mum, and you've come back here. You should be proud of yourself - you could have made many worse choices!

As for doing this for 20 years well, yes, not an inviting thought. But recovery is about more than talking about gambling. Its early days for me, so I feel, for the moment, i should come here as often as I gambled (daily, b****r it!). I gambled for many reasons, but the big ones were to escape from feelings of stress, anxiety, unhappiness and isolation. My long - winded point is that recovery is also about learning to deal with these feelings without gambling. As I write about my bet-free day (the ups and downs) I get to step back and have a look. I get feedback from others, too - it helps me see things differently. Then I read others' posts, and learn from how they are managing. Pretty soon I find myself relaxing, thinking more kindly about myself, getting some perspective. As Peg said, it keeps me grounded, too.

I'd be interested to see how the tumeric goes. Glad you're back

Love,

Kerrie

Hi Claire,

Glad your counselling was a success, I know you were nervous about it. I'd echo those comments about admiration, you are still here and still fighting!

Day Six for me after all my recent slips. Already feeling a bit calmer, although exhausted a lot of the time.....

Stay strong and stay in touch!

Susie xxx

(((Claire)))

glad you're giving the turmeric a try...like you, I figure..can't hurt!!

when I began taking it...I thought..well...how will I know if it's helping? I mean...I haven't gambled in over 6 months..I don't intend to go experiment!!

but

it can't hurt.

what I *have* noticed is that my time spent sitting at the computer has decreased *dramatically*...it's weird..sometimes I'll check in here, read some, but really don't feel like posting...go into safe harbor...can't stay for more than just a few minutes...i can't really describe why...I don't know...am interested in what changes you see, if any.

I still have urges to gamble...I am going out of town next week and will be alone, driving past many casinos...I keep thinking about that...I won't stop...I KNOW that I won't...but I *do* think about it.

so..I have urges..I wonder though..if i actually sat down at a machine if i would want to stay and stay and stay? no idea..but like i said..am not willing to experiment...would be horrible if i *did* want to stay...knowing whether the turmeric will help does not make me want to risk it 🙂 but...it can't hurt 🙂

what material did you order from g.a.? is good that you're going to do some reading..sure has helped me.

xoxoxoxo

thinking of you ((claire))

xoxooxox

Hi all

thanks to susie. kerrie and peg for your posts, it means alot.

had my second counselling session yesterday, we are trying to decide on our contract. i found this a little difficult because i dont know why i went there or what iexpected. i felt that what i was doing alone was good but maybe wasn't quite enough because i was having slips. i looked for any help/support available to me and this was the only thing so i took it. felt it couldn't hurt. i'm lucky, my counsellor is lovely, down to earth. i decied during the session and with her help that really what i felt i needed was to understand which is what i spoke about in my previous post. i need to understand how i've ended up here and what it is that makes me do what i do. i said to her 'i dont understand this one little bit because i cant understand that i know gambling is something that makes me ill, miserable and is self destructive, it hurts everyone i love in different ways and i dont want to do it. yet i do soooooo much, i want to gamble, i have the urges, not all the time but i do have them!' i dont understand. hoping when i do understand a bit better it may help my recovery. she said there is also some therapy work we can do on quietening my CG voice, moving it away from my ear a bit. i like the idea of this, dont think i'll be able to shut it out completely but if i can make it quieter it would help. am there again next friday. am glad i did this. it was positive move and i think i will get things from this this i couldn't have achieved alone.

not feeling any different from the turmeric, am taking it everyday. having a bad week with the urges tho because i am not working all week. i am filling my time as best i can but because i know i could if i wanted and i was paid yesterday feeling the urges bad. any how i got my wages, gave out all money i owed, went for lunch with friends, bought new shoes for when i do work next week and bought birthday/anniversary presents for the coming month. i haven't a bloody penny to my name but i didn't lose it in a bandit (it wasn't a good pay line this month so it didn't go far)

glad i did this yesterday - every hour or so since i woke up today i have thought about going to town and gambling then i remember i have nothing its all gone - relief and a little disappointed 🙁

i know i dont have full control over my money, my mum supervises it, but i could see this coming with being off all week. although i could have left money in the bank and not been able to access it it would have tortured me. glad i just got rid - and i've something to show for it and everything is taken care of for the month. wish didn't have the urges tho. i know next week will be better - have been booked for 3 full days mon, tues, wed so i will not have time to get bored or be sat thinking about it.

this has been a bit rambling and jumping around, its just where my thoughts take me at the time.

take care all, claire xxx

Hey, sweetie!

Isn't it strange, this desire we have to get rid of all our money! I think i read somewhere in your posts that you had never thought of yourself as materialistic, and it sparked my interest. Me too! Most of my life before gambling, I really only cared about money in terms of meeting the basics: rent bills food, clothing i needed...Never cared about how well a job paid, just about how much it interested me. It occurs to me that this point of view is almost a belief that I DON'T DESERVE.... I don't deserve luxuries, or extras... That's not quite on the button, but I'm close to what i mean. As a result of this self - belief, tho, i don't really understand the value of money, either. That is, until I don't have any! (Now I'm rambling, too! Must be necessary.. lol).

Be kind to yourself, Claire. The nature of addiction, or compulsion, or whatever description fits, is that we are irrationally attracted to something that harms us (like being attracted to bad boys, lol!). I've said this before, but in the last few months of my gambling i kept hearing a quote from a 12 Step fellowship in my head. It goes:

"(Addiction) is a continuous and progressive illness whose ends are always the same - gaols, institutions and death..."

It wasn't until I had been bet-free for a few days that I remembered the end:

"Our disease is arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible."

Baby steps, baby steps.... and it will get better. There is hope.

Lots of love and hugs,

Kerrie.

hey Claire

I responded to your post on my diary...but...i saw where you said:

gave out all money i owed, went for lunch with friends, bought new shoes for when i do work next week and bought birthday/anniversary presents for the coming month. i haven't a bloody penny to my name but i didn't lose it in a bandit

am just wondering...how many times have you not had a bloddy penny to your name and you

DIDN't give out all the money that you owed

and

DIDN't go to lunch with your friends and

DIDN'T buy yourself a pair of shoes (or that top you wanted!) and

DIDN'T buy gifts for people that you cared about.

so yes...not a bloody penny to your name..but SMILE girlie 🙂 you are doing the RIGHT THING TODAY!!!!

xoxoxo

Hi all

have done a bit of posting and thought i'd finish here.

thanks for your posts, again peg you put things into perspective. i liked that i'd got rid of the money so i could not do any damage but like i said was disappointed.

what you said about all the other times i wouldn't have done that - you were so right - too many times to mention. the worry, the sickness, the panic. none of that just disappointed that i couldn't gamble and today i am not disappointed, i'm happy and relieved. i made it through the urges unscathed and gamble free. definately something to be happy about.

have started to read a book about addiction and so far so good. its interseting and i can relate to some things they have said already. it mentioned near the beginning about understanding the addiction which is my 'thing' at the minute so think the books going to be useful.

peg - downloaded the 12 steps, gonna print them on monday at work.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi Sweetie

GOODONYA GIRL!

Love,

Kerrie

Hi Claire thanks for your support. I too got my salary last week and like you paid all the thigs I needed to pay and have very little left, except the feeling that I had done the right thing for the first time in 6 or 7 months, the last time I was gamble free.

Kids aren't going without, partner is happy and I dont feel the need to gamble. It's been one hell of a month for me and I'm sure for many others, I'm just so pleased & greatful that I revisited this site and am now in recovery again, God Bless, John. X

How's it going Claire?

xoxoxo

Hi all

not posted for a while and here i am again with another slip. am starting to see a pattern forming. its not that i think i dont need to post, i seem to not have time, be too tired or cant be bothered then i end up gambling.

i am trying to understand this better - am reading a book and i am getting alot from that.

had my third counselling session yesterday, made great break throughs. we talked about what i will gain from continuing to gamble and what i lose when i stop. it came to a conclusion of what i lose is massive, the highs etc, the quick fix. now i'm thinking about the feelings i have when i'm doing activities not involving gambling, trying to replace my highs with non gambling activities. reprogram my brain. am glad i've gone in for the counselling, dont know if it'll work but its giving me hope.

in my book it says about the changes that have to be made to our lives. i hit this before where i didn't understand the full extent of how many changes there would have to be and the 'hugeness' of it all. again i am at this point. i've made changes and because i've been doing ok i thought i'd done enough. well i haven't, i've been coasting and now there are things i'm going to have to change again, barriers i will have to put in place for things i thought i could cope with and cant. i feel weak again but i dont want to gamble. my CG voice wants me to. am trying to think 'you want me to take the quick fix, well i'm not' - 'what can i do instead that'll make me feel good'

i have yet to find something that gives me that 'euphoric feeling' peg and kerrie have been talking about - dont know that i ever will but there are things that make me feel settled, calm and nice inside and that beats the down and the stress when i have suffered yet another loss while gambling any day o the week.

i WILL come on here for at least 10 mins a day - even if i dont post. i can see a pattern forming and i need to break it.

will tune in tomorrow 🙂

take care all, claire xxx

(((Claire)))

I don't know how much time and effort you spent on gambling..but I know that if put a TENTH of the time that I did gambling working on my recovery...well...i'd be spendine a lot of time on my recovery 🙂

an old timer at my g.a. meetings gives people a hard time when they can't make a meeting...for example:

the weather was bad.

did you go to the casino in the rain? (snow, whatever)

i was tired.

did you go to the casino when you were tired?

i was sick.

did you go to the casino when you were sick?

his point being...we would go to any lengths to gamble yet we want recovery to just magically occur.

((claire))

it's a journey honey.

so glad you're here 🙂

xoxo