Here goes nothin :-)

Hi Sweetie!

Good on you for making that daily committment. I'm sure that that has been the thing that has kept me going. i reckon i could isolate myself from recovery in a matter of days if i didn't stick to it. Most of the time, i don't WANT to come here, but as you say, 10 minutes when you're really tired isn't that bad. Sometimes i just write a few words, read a little...

The euphoria - that's the addiction! Like heroin - the euphoria is so powerful that it makes ordinary life flat and dull. It is the thing i miss - feeling "charged". It blocks out everything else - the good and the bad. From my fairly limited experience, it seems that I have been going through a gambling "detox" - a period of withdrawal from extreme highs and lows. At the end of the day, even a good day, i find myself feeling flat and bored. For myself, i think this is something i just have to put up with for awhile - until the colour returns to ordinary things again. Hah! It's like adjusting the reception on the TV! The emotional "charge" from gambling has turned my ordinary world into black and white. I'm experiencing momentary colour now, so i'm guessing my "reception" of the world will return to full colour eventually.

Hope you have a good day today, Claire.

Love and peace to you,

Kerrie

Hi all

thanks for the replies from peg and kerrie. gonna go and have a catch up with diaries in a mo. i'm going out today with it being bank holiday. only problem everyone has pulled out. theres just me and an unreliable friend! she just wanders off and leaves me for ages at a time. have warned her if she does i'm going home, decided she's not my responsibility, shes actually older than me! if i dont i know what will happen, stood alone i will turn to an old friend who offers comfort and company when i'm mad, upset and alone - a fruit machine and i'm not doing it. i'll go home before that happens. she's been warned 🙂

take care all, claire xxx

am having thoughts while i'm posting other people so adding on using the edit button.

am gonna buy a note book later, there are things i need to remember, thoughts, ideas, bits from my book that i cant just go back and find. i want to record them all. and a list - of things i can do if i want to gamble, anything but gamble.

Hi Claire, just been reading all your posts to everybody else and their wonderfully kind, considerate and heartfelt. It just left me wondering, where's the "Claire" time?

I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but you've gotta look after Claire, Spoil Claire, Pamper Claire. Really look after yourself in these early days and try to find what truly makes Claire happy.

Ive been gamble free for 5 weeks now & I still have no idea what would replace the euphoria of my gambling. The truth is I probably never will.

I did join a gym, gave more time to my kids, started reading more, going out a little bit more often, focusing more on my relationship, and yes these things have all helped, but you no, deep down, I have no way of replacing the highs I got from gambling without doing something destructive. And as I read back through this post I'm beginning to realise that most of the behaviours I've displayed over many years have all been destructive, negative and of the sabotage variety. The feeling that I'm not worth being happy, I don't deserve happiness.

We're all going through a process of self- discovery {our likes, wants, needs}, it is a long process and I really am happy to be on this journey, it's just sometimes I want immediate gratification, and in my experiance that has only come by being impulsive, compulsive, destructive and unthinking.

JFT I will not gamble and I will enjoy what is beautiful, I hope this made some sense Claire, I know it has done me the world of good, God Bless, John. x

am gonna buy a note book later, there are things i need to remember, thoughts, ideas, bits from my book that i cant just go back and find. i want to record them all. and a list - of things i can do if i want to gamble, anything but gamble.

lovely idea!

how is the reading going claire?

xoxoxo

love,

peg

Hi all

thanks for the posts as always. although i haven't posted since monday i have been on every day reading others. the readings going well thanks peg. i like the book, its helping me understand this illness through statistics and common sense thinking. also some of the reasons people end up as addicts, i hadn't realised, but now know this is me. not a part of my life i want to revisit tho. i now know its a factor in my addiction, move on in my recovery and my understanding of it. i've started my note book. i write an odd sentence from the book that i think is worth remembering. the one that most touched me most so far is about the suicide rate in CGs being 20 times the national average. scary thought, but being a CG i know why this is the case. i dont want to feel like this again, so low, feeling like there is no way out.

also in my notebook i wrote down ODAAT, one day at a time. i realised how i have not been taking this literally enough. i'm alaways worrying about tomorrow, the next day, next week. ODAAT - what am i doing today, will that enable me or tempt me to gamble. NO then i will do it. i will get through today without gambling! when i wake up tomorrow i'll plan that day then and put up barriers to ensure i will not gamble.

take care all, claire xxx

Hi Sweetie!

One Day at a Time - makes it so much easier. When the urge to gamble has become painful for me lately it is so much easier just to cope with it in the "here and now" and know that at the end of the day I will be here. Of course, it passes, the next day is usually better. But if i thought of living that pain for a longer time... I don't know, it would seem too hard, i think.

Glad you are here, Sweetie. You are doing really well.

love,

Kerrie.

Hi all

i'm back! hope everyone is ok and to all the new comers congratulations on this wonderful step you've taken. have been going through some real **** in my counselling and have been feeling so dark and awful. I GOT A JOB! a good thing. am so much at the mercy of my gambling at the minute. i feel completely powerless, i am completely powerless and i really dont know how to get better. i want to and i have times when i can have control and deal with it but the urges are bad, i have gambled and i really dont know what the answer is. i'm sinking. i know what i want, i know that i dont want to do this anymore, dont want it to be part of my life anymore and yet there i am putting my money in a machine fast as you like. i am trying to get to the bottom of the problems that have landed me here. the misery and depression that has been caused by past experiences that has led to this mess i am in. i have not been posting or really looking either, lack of inclination, feeling such a failure, kind of felt what was the point, i'm not recovering - i'd like to - but its not happening. i cant even manage a few days without playing a bandit. i played yesterday. i'm tired and emotional, i almost feel like the counselling was a mistake, dragging up all this **** has made me feel worse and has knocked my recovery and my resolve back so much. am there again soon, 1pm. will come back on later to post about how it went.

Take care all, claire xx

Claire!

I'm so pleased to see you - really, I was thinking about you today - it occurred to me that you were probably struggling.

I tried to quit on my own for about 12 months - it was hell - tried counselling - tried handing my money over - was ready to kill myself when i got here. Recovery has not been all beer and skittles - but its sure better than the alternative.

I could not stop without lots of support - here everyday. Stick close to the forum, claire - it gets into your head - something to fight those urges with! I'm so sorry its so hard for you now - but i am very, very happy to see you here again.

Lots and lots of love,

Kerrie

Hello Claire,

1) when you are in the position where you are tempted to go into an arcade/bingo hall to gamble ask yourself why?

2)You will probably answer to yourself "well I enjoy it and I wont spend much, promise!"

3)Ask the sensible part of your brain the same question and the answer will be "You know you wont stop and you will regret it and spend all your money and feel lousy.so dont do it!"

4)Instead of taking those steps towards the arcade take a different route and get on the bus home or drive a different route.

5)Before you go out ask yourself what money you really need. Leave your cards at home. No funds, no gambling.

6)Cut your cards up, no funds

7)Write a letter to the arcades and ask them to ban you.

8)Remind yourself constantly that you are the one who has the choice. You dont have to give in, we all have options. Stop hating yourself, you have lots of good qualities. When we begin to like ourselves we find it easier to quit things we know make us feel down.

It is hard and I dont think about not gambling for the rest of my life just for today. For now that will keep me going. Take care Jan x

Hi all

thanks to kerrie and jan for your replies. i had my counselling session and it brought alot up as usual! i've just been on the chat to talk about it and got some sound advice and listening so thats great.

i've come to a realisation that theres something i need to do before i can begin to move on in my recovery, while i'm nervous about it i am strong and have not faltered in my will to do it so it must be right. its just about timing.

unfortunately the urges are stronger than ever, i'm trying to overcome them and not give in but its easier said than done. i'm going for the fire engine method, putting out the biggest fire first. the other stuff is at the minute. when this is dealt with hopefully it will have a knock on affect on my recovery.

keep thinking about a thing i saw on pegs diary i think it was.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

I keep trying to tell myself this because i know this to be very true.

take care all, claire xxx

Evening Claire, it is hard and dont think anyone would disagree with me!

I sometimes think our makeup is different to "normal" people out there. Why else would we return again and again to something that we know will only hurt us and make us feel cr**? We seem to suffer from short term memory loss as we soon forget how rubbish we felt when we finally put our last pound in a machine or pressed that button to take our last funds online.

I bought a dictaphone and when I lost big time I recorded how it all made me feel. When I have a strong urge I press play and listen to how lost and sad I sound and it refreshes my memory. Could be worth a try. Put down your thoughts when your urges are high and also when you are feeling good. Replay those memories.

Just an idea. Jan xx

(((((((((Claire))))))))

you spoke of something that you must do..in order to move forward in recovery...

that is really what the steps are about...i believe that many people end up working the steps without even really being aware of it 🙂

it has been my experience...that THAT is what sets us free.

not gambling is good.

not gambling makes us feel better...gives us more pocket money...does a lot of things for us..

setting things right...THAT is what sets us free.

(((((((((Claire)))))))))

take care of you...you remain in my thoughts.

Love,

Peg

xoxo

i am going to make a prediction...urges are so strong right now because you are facing this 'thing' that you must do...

once you do it..

you will find some peace...and relief from the urges as well.

xoxo

Claire,

Just wanted to say don't stop trying. As long as want to give up you will find a way. I have "given up" on numerous occasions only to fall to temptation. This time feels different for me. I'm only 9 days in but things I am trying seem to be working. You need to find what works for you, it will take time but you will get there.

I have never had counseling for my gambling problems, but had some earlier this year after my sister died. Although at first it felt awkward, it eventually helped. Stick with it, as long as it's not counter productive it can't hurt.

All the best with everything

X Doodle X

Hi all

thanks to everyone for their replies. doodle, well done on what will now be 11 days. a fantastic achievement. peg you said

i am going to make a prediction...urges are so strong right now because you are facing this 'thing' that you must do...

you will find some peace...and relief from the urges as well.

i've done it today peg, was nervous as hell. decided last minute didnt want to, but it was just the nerves and knew i HAD to. for me, for my healing process, for my recovery. i'm now hoping for the peace and the relief from the urges. i already feel a little lighter somehow. dont feel great but a little lighter, think some of it is relief from getting through the situation.

i dont believe this is the answer to my recovery, but i'd like to think that lightening my burden will help with it and lessen the urges. fingers crossed.

take care all, claire xxx