So after 7months break from gambling I have gambled 3 times this month. I started gambling at 19 because I was very lonely and had no one to turn too. I am now 45 and with some help from gamcare I have had periods of stopping the longest being 20 months which ended when I gamble 7 months ago. I understand why I gamble to hide away from all the s**t that goes on in my life. I didn't tell my kids I had gambled again the first two times because I won £600 then £450 the second time. My grandad died just before Christmas and my family is so dysfunctional that the funeral on Tuesday was a nightmare. Last night I decieded to play on ***** £10 so I could play and self excluded (yeh right) and I eneded up depositing well over a £1000.
I didn't have it and my bank let me overdraw to this extent. I then told my daughter last night I had gambled and asked her to lend me £600 which I put in my account so I wasn't overdrawn. I could see she was very disappointed in me. Then I contiuned to gamble and won some money back. I withdrew my winnings and asked them to close my account. I'm hoping that I get my winnings so I can clear my debts. The problem is until I get the money I will be worried they won't pay it and when I get it I worry I'm going to gamble it. I really hope that I stop doing this c**P. I'm an idiot as I know how I feel but still keep doing it. I'm not coping at the moment.
Grief led me to gambing in a big way and the bright lights and thrill of the chase gave me a buzz and excitement and took my mind away from the real world with all the problems that go with it.
I sat at Christmas so so upset I pumped £20.00 after £20.00 in the online machine until I had lost a considerable amoiunt of money , nothing would have stopped me that night such was the upset of blowing the whole of my life on gambling , I guess it was a bit like gambling suicide where you have nothing left to give the outside world.
In the dead of night my two year old son started crying , I dont know what it was I was at the lowest point in my gambling life , but id won a bit back , withdrew and went to my son in the other room.
I held him in my hands and cried and cried , he was the most important person in my life and if I didn't seek to recover I would lose him and my partner it was at a stage where I would have lost the whole lot.
I am now 25 days on the road to recovery , you have proved before you can do this , take time with loved ones to get over the loss of your family member and then concentrate on you and recovery.
Hi john b I think the reason I contiued to gamble this time was because I never told my kids I'd done it again. I just didn't want to see the disappointment in their eyes again. They have told me the reason they hate me gambling is because of how sad and depressed I get after I've gambled. This was the first time Id ever not told them what I'd done. I hate a c**P childhood so I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to who I can trust. My grandad was 99 bless him however it was a shock because he died out of the blue and my mum has completely lost her mind and has been leaning on me a lot. I used gambling so I don't have to think. It's the only time I can forget what's going on in my life apart from the gambling. I always forget how terrible I feel afterwards win or lose.
Congratulations on your 25 days.
Hi Chasegirl
I understand that feeling. Gambling was never my problem it was my solution. It soothed me it made me forget it absolved me of my responsibilities. It made failure ok it made my loneliness my dissatisfaction with life bearable. It was the one thing in my life that didnt pose questions i couldnt or wouldnt face. I only escaped from its clutches when i directly dealt with what my pain was. When i find solutions to what is really troubling me i dont need addiction to sort it for me
The problem with me is even though I know what my issues are I still haven't found another way to cope with what is going on. Things get so bad sometimes that it seems gambling is the only option I have. However I know it's not the answer. When I have had breaks from gambling my life is always peaceful and I never even give it a second thought. As soon as I start struggling gambling is always my first fault.
*thought.
Day 2 again
I spoke to my daughters last night and feel a bit better now. They understood I am under a lot of pressure at the moment ( which is not an excuse but part of the reason) . I just needed to escape from myself for a while
Hi Chase, welcome back and well done on day 2 and for talking to your daughters it's not an easy thing to do,
Best wishes to you on your continuing recovery.
Suzanne x
the problem with me is I get complacent when things are going well and forget about all the bad times gambling brings. After 26 years of pain caused by my gambling I always come back. I know I don't have enough going on in my life at the moment. I have no social life and I'm most at risk when I'm alone which is a lot of the time because my daughters are grown and both work and go out.
Thank you I wished.
Hey Chase
I am the opposite I get panicky and somewhat stressed when things are going well, as if I don't deserve to have a good life, well I do deserve to have a good life and so do you, gambling just self destructs it does not replace gaps in our life, it just makes the gaps bigger and bigger and get us into an even worse mess, NT has a thread on overcoming page. On keeping ourselves occupied, don't know if this helps, but worth a read.
Take care
Suzanne xx
Ooo chasegirl, I wish my mother would try as hard as you are doing! She won't even accept she has a problem! We go through cycles, she hits rock bottom, comes to us for a bail out swearing she will never ever gamble again & then denys that she is back gambling again until she hits rock bottom & comes back for another bail out! It breaks my heart but for me a CG myself, it has never been about the money! I get that she is addicted so for me the real hurt is in her lying to me! I have tried to bring her on my recovery journey & would be so proud of her were she to come on here but she refuses to accept she has a problem! I am so sorry to hear about your grandad, death is hard whatever the age but you can find a way through this! Your dysfunctional family may sadden you but you have your children's love & support. That can make you strong & added to the support you will find in here, you really can beat this! I don't know why they call your gambling escape gamble because the escape only lasts as long as the money & then the pain is even worse afterwards! Why don't you have a look @ NT's page, get a blocker once your money has come through & see if you could set up some counselling, you have nothing to lose! There will be people here looking out for you even if they're not posting!
You need this recovery for you, you know how much better you feel when you are in it, don't let the evil back into your life & you will start feeling better - ODAAT
Hi chasegirl, I think your girls are in a very different position...My mother will not accept she has a problem & positively encourages me to be stood next to her as she gambles because invariably I will have money left when hers is no more! She has had 2 alcoholic partners in my lifetime! The 1st used to sometimes sleep on the landing in our block (outside our front door) using the concrete wall as a pillow & we'd step over him on the way to school! Seeing what I now know to be a lump of Cannabis resin on the coffee table surrounded by cigarette papers & ash etc was nothing unusual either! She replaced him with a man who thought it acceptable to stand on the landing in nothing but a pair of green briefs & demand "what time do you call this?" when I rolled in from swimming with a few friends @ about 8 P.m one night! Strangely enough, I have never tried smoking (any type), I abhor the smell & I have never been drunk! I got caught up in gambling very very young to spend time with my loved ones before I realised the devestation it caused so hopefully your daughters will keep well away!
Keep working @ your recovery & take all the help & support you can get! If I can do it, anyone can - ODAAT
Thanks Odaat for your replies.
Hi, day one for me. 40 year old man with a need for help. Been reading posts and comforted by seeing I'm not alone. Looking for the first step in recovery, not wanting to join GA unless I have to. Have much in common with you all and wish us all well
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