Here we go again

Yes, I feel your pain. I also gambled today and lost even though I swore to myself that gambling was over for me. I only was able to stop when the cash in my wallet was all gone. Luckily I have controls in place. My wife has bank account, credit cards and debit card. I have access to none of these, so my losses are limited. I know it is especially hard at holiday times. The only advice I can offer is to put controls in place so you will not do serious damage to your finances or your spirit. We have to think positive and have faith that better days are ahead. 

Hello,

I remember you.

I know where you are mentally and financially, and it's not a good place to be in. We both know how this plays, and what works. Firstly, I guess you're gambling online; you have to close the door, self-exclude, or follow Mixer's advice at the top of this chain. If you're gambling in person you have to self-exclude from those too. Of course, there are always ways to make it happen, but you have to make it as hard as you can. You know this.

Secondly, get rid of the cards, or avenues for credit. Cut them up if necessary. 

Thirdly, remind yourself how good it was in the times when you didn't gamble. The finances recover surprisingly quickly, although the first few weeks are painful. That's not to say the debt isn't real, or will just go away. It won't, and it will require dedication to get rid of it. However, the urgency will abate if you stop spending and get a couple of wages under your belt. Then you can work on a longer-term plan.

I look forward to following your progress. I truly wish you the best; keep posting. Actually, Pelle, it does get better when you stop.

A

Thanks guys for the support and advice. It certainly doesn't take long for the milkman to drop by. Great to hear from you again - you really helped me last time.

I know that some people here won't agree with me for saying that I've not told my wife about my gambling addiction. I justified it first time around by thinking it would be too unsettling when she was heavily pregnant with our first child, etc. This time that is not the case - our first child is now nearly 10. Anyway, I suppose it feels even harder to tell her now precisely because so much time has passed - and some of that time was gloriously gamble-free. There's also my presumably arrogant sense of pride (although I've nothing to be proud of). I'm in two minds about telling her, but it certainly won't be happening over Christmas. Christmas is going to be bad enough as it is. My relationship with my wife is at a pretty low ebb right now and my job hasn't been great recently either.

Following a doctor's referral, I'm about to start a six-week, one-to-one course of mental health counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy. I want to see how that goes - addictive behaviour will be part of those discussions along with other matters - and once I'm out the other side I'll reassess who I tell. I'd be slightly more inclined to tell my parents, as they know some of my early-days gambling history, whereas my wife can sometimes lack in the kind of understanding this situation would require. I'm of the opinion that it takes one to know one, which is why I'm here. Recovering addicts and trained therapists know how we feel, how we think, and why we behave the way we do. Anyway, let me see how this counselling goes. I'm certainly going to try to keep the diary going too.

My children are sleeping sweetly now so at least I can't snap at them again today. Tomorrow will be a new dawn, a new day. Small steps.

Hello  pellekanin

It is good to have you back on the Forum.  Your experience, strength and hope will help others and likewise sharing will help you too.  As you know this is how it works, identifying, supporting and encouraging each other along the way.

You managed to get through the difficulties in the past, had some quality recovery under your belt, therefore, you can do this again and this time to be mindful of  complacency and continue your Recovery journey.

Please do make contact with an Adviser should you wish to ask for any advice on Self Exclusion/Blocking or anything else you need to talk about. You can speak with an Adviser on 0800 8020 133 or by using our LiveChat option.

Good for you for taking the offer of Counselling.  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is certainly a good way forward due to the fact that problem gambling centres in the mind.

Please do continue posting on the Forum and remember you are not alone.

Wishing you all the very best One Day At A Time

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin

Well, I'm pleased to report that I've reached the evening of Day 2 without any further gambling. I've noticed that the GamCare day tracker isn't actually very good as it is showing me on Day 3 currently. You'd have thought something as simple as this would be possible to get right. My last gamble was 21st December, so my view is that Day 1 of my gamble-free life started at 00.00 on 22nd December and Day 2 started at 00.00 on 23rd December. The gambling days should surely run from 00.00-23.59.

Anyway, no urges today as was flat out with endless Christmas prep and spending too much money. Amongst other things, I went to four different supermarkets to hunt down a Christmas pudding. Still, better than running between four different gambling establishments and 'spending' a great deal more money.

Finances always take a hit at this time of year, gambling or no gambling. Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

Back at Day 0 after a Boxing Day blow-out. It was in cash at the bookies. I'll be told by people here to self-exclude, but while that might work for small towns with one or two bookmakers it doesn't work in the big cities. The bookmakers are everywhere. Even if you are self-excluded, you can slip in and place bets on the machines by the door without being noticed by staff who are either busy, looking at their phones, or doing their nails. There is also a large amount of staff turnover, so I wouldn't hold out much hope of anyone recognizing your masked face anyway, self-excluded or not.

No gambling will be possible today after yesterday's blow-out. All available cash exhausted so the in-shop avenue is firmly shut. Boxing Day is horrific for anyone that gambles on horse racing, like me. There was literally a race every few minutes for hours. Ridiculous scheduling.

As I mentioned in my previous post, self-exclusion from the shops will not work for me as I have hundreds of shops to choose from with frequently changing staff, many of whom are inadequately trained. I don't trust the current shoddy system anyway. If bookmakers truly wanted customers to be able to self exclude from their establishments then there is a relatively simple fix - you'd need to show ID before placing a bet: a bookmakers' card (such as the already existing Grid cards) along with a form of ID such as a driving licence. Then, before taking a bet, your name and date of birth would be instantly checked upon swiping the Grid card (for example) against the bookmakers' central system to check whether you have requested self-exclusion - rather like how the online self-exclusion system works. All bets off if you have requested self-exclusion. That system would be better than what we have now. But this is not the world we live in - we have to have the freedom to ruin ourselves whenever we want. It's a basic human right.

Hi Pelle,

I read your comment with interest (about self-exclusion). You are right of course. And I know that many towns and cities have dozens and dozens of physical shops (they have to to get around the 4 FOBT per shop rule, so even if they don't take much money on the horses from footfall the machines more than compensate).

But even with this 'easy' access, you are the most important factor. Even if you lived in remote place, you could find a reason to 'visit' a nearby town where you are unknown. The will to stop has to trump the urge to gamble. And it is not easy (understatement).

When we're at the bottom - after a blowout, or when a relationship fails because of gambling - there is usually enough impetus to start the process of stopping. Once you get a few days under your belt, it gets just a touch easier. You know how it goes.  Don't give up giving up. It's a terrible thing, losing all your money and that empty feeling of despair, but you can get through it by putting some days under your belt; the mists clear with each successful day.

Thanks Milkman. I've decided not to go down the shop self-exclusion route. It's unrealistic to deal with hundreds of paper forms and hundreds of passport photos. If the system worked, it wouldn't be so bad, but unfortunately the system is shoddy and unreliable. I have tried it before and was seriously unimpressed - you can easily slip in and out of a shop without being clocked. I just don't trust or have any confidence in the people supposedly enforcing it. I'm afraid to say that responsible gambling doesn't exist on the coal face of bookmaker shops. It's just guff to make them look better in their online marketing.

Regardless, I need to fix my head and not just use blocks - all of the blocks can be circumvented anyway. Might as well use paracetamol to fix a broken leg and expect it to heal properly. Ultimately, if you want to gamble you will find a way.

I am going down the cognitive behavioural therapy route and see how that works over the next six weeks. The addiction and compulsive tendencies are in my mind and that is the root cause that needs to be treated.

Well, I fiddled around on NYE. Nothing big but just closed out a wretched year with a few nonsense flutters. You know - crappy football goals accumulators that surely can't lose when they're all odds-on. But you bet Overs and you can't buy a goal, so you bet Unders and you get a blooming sackful. FML. Anyway, time to look ahead.

I've completed the first day of 2022 without wild, compulsive, out-of-control gambling. There is more to life than gambling. I know that. We all know that. Anyway, it's only one day and I need to build up a proper run. It's my main (and only real) new year's resolution, and I'm determined to stick to it. I've done it before, so I can do it again. Here we go. Hit it.

Day 2 spanked. No reckless gambling. Had a belated Christmas pub lunch with two good friends/colleagues. It's the little things in life that matter.

I've reached Day 12 without resorting to reckless and out of control gambling. Going through a stressful period with work (currently partway through recruitment process for a new job) and financial problems surrounding my mortgage. Long story but been stuck on the bank's standard variable rate since last summer FFS. Plodding through a complaints process with NatWest and hoping to get some money back at some point. It makes me so infuriated how they pretend to care about their customers but in reality couldn't give a sh-it. Financial problems have often thrown me into a gambling frenzy in the past but too deep now to do that again. Can't afford any false moves right now. I have to stay on the wagon. The two-week mark is on Saturday. Small milestones but so important right now.

Well done on (nearly) two weeks.

I always found that it was around this time - probably around 3 weeks - that the red mist started to clear a bit and perspective starts to creep in. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but I think when the immediate urge to gamble subsides a bit it puts you in a better place; your options become clearer. Just don't make 'THE MISTAKE (TM)' - when the green shoots start to appear, and a little cash comes in for the first time,  don't rush out and gamble it. 

Onwards and upwards!

Thanks, Milkman. I relate entirely to what you write, including our ability to spot a bargain and be sympathetic listeners. It's kind of ridiculous - I spend a lot of effort getting good deals, take my time over energy tariffs and the like, and am grateful for pennies for purchases via cashback websites, yet I'll think nothing of throwing away hundreds of pounds on sports betting in a headless gambling session. I dunno. I guess there's something wrong in our internal wiring.

My day 14 is actually tomorrow, not Saturday, so that's good. I'm entirely aligned with the calendar year, which should make things easier to count, since I last messed around and lost money on New Year's Eve.

I'm pretty depressed right now. I have my second CBT counselling session tomorrow so will see how that goes. Once the six weeks are up then I have the option, via my GP, to sign-off from work and get drugs. That might be a mental solution, but signing off work won't help my finances.

Currently waiting to hear the outcome of an internal job interview I had the other day. I'm not massively enthused about it, but most jobs are pretty awful (that's why they pay you to do them, I guess), but the money is slightly better and that'll probably be a clincher in these straitened times. I can't face doing a full assessment of debts right now - will do so after payday - but I know I have a £12k personal loan plus an overdraft and several credit cards of stagnant debt. I'm in a slightly worse position than I was when I first joined this site in October 2011. God, I'm a fool.