Here we go again

Hello Pelle,

No show for a couple of weeks...I hope all is well with you. Don't give up giving up...come here and tell us about your day.

Mm

Update required Mr Kanin - I hope all is well.

Thanks, Milkman. You are a supportive soul. I'm sorry to say that I have fallen off the wagon again (last night and into this morning) It was the deadly combination of alcohol followed by gambling. I know what you'll say - get the blocks, hand cards over, etc. But the reality is, whatever measures we take there's always 'a way' to get the hit. Anyway, I have to move forward again and try to reprogram my faulty internal coding.

Last week was pretty bad away from gambling: I had to spend a packet of money on my teeth - hadn't been to the dentist for too long, so that blew a hole in the monthly budget. My therapy sessions have been going OK, but they are due to stop next week so I'm not quite sure where that leaves me going forward. I have been working through various depression and behavioural activation strategies focusing on breaking the negative cycle in the cognitive behavioural model of depression. I've basically been feeling depressed and tired, with less energy and motivation to do anything. It's a times like these that gambling seems like a pleasurable outlet, so it's not surprising that I fell off the wagon. Until I am settled in my mind and able to take pleasure in day-to-day activities once again then I'm pretty much stuck in a low place. The next option will be medication from my GP, which has been offered to me as another way out. I'm not sure if that is the solution, and I wanted to try 'talking therapy' first, but I might have to go down the medication route shortly. I'm not sure how antidepressants affect the mind of a gambler - do they help? Does anyone have experience of this?

You mention that you wanted to do the CBT course because therapists and recovering addicts know how we feel and think, so why not find a GA meeting? Nothing better for finding others who you will recognise yourself in, and who will challenge you when you need challenging, which I think is now.

You have come up with all sorts of excuses as to why you won't do certain things that could help you and you've justified any gambling without seeing your fault in this. Now I don't blame you, I understand gambling addiction, but I do blame your lack of action to help yourself. Trying to white knuckle it is never going to work. A few days or more, possibly, but once you get access to money, or feel the need to escape from life for a bit you'll be back at it, which you have been. 

There needs to be changes, especially those changes that you don't want to do. Those are the best ones because it's you actually fighting against this addiction. Blocks are just that, blocks designed to give you time to maybe make a phone call to someone supporting you or time to think about your actions before you do it. 

In GA we use the acronym HOW when asked how do i stop gambling. H is for Honesty. Honest with others as well as yourself. Being honest with yourself is probably the hardest thing to do but is worth it. O is for Openminded. Openminded to ideas other than your own. Openminded that others have walked before you and have the experience to help you get through this, if you let them. W is for Willingness. Be willing to do whatever you have to do, not just the things you want to do.

I'm happy to support anyone trying to keep this illness at bay and any advice you want please just ask, but jsut think about that HOW.

All the best

Chris.

Thanks guys. Chris, you are completely right in what you say. I think part of my problem is finding it so hard to give up any sense of pride (not that I've got anything to be proud about), but hopefully you know what I mean. The idea, as an adult, of relinquishing all control of my finances to another, more responsible, adult is a pretty damning indictment of myself and my life. I know these are things we need to do in order to help ourselves, but humans have a habit of not doing what's best for them. It's why we elect the equivalent of sweet shop owners, rather than doctors, as policitians. A doctor would be there to help us, sometimes through pain and suffering, but we don't want that - we want the sweet allure of something bad for us.

I have stayed clean today at least. To be honest, the next seven days will not be a problem in terms of my ability to gamble because I have run my current account dry (overdraft maxed out at £2,000), and the two, small-limit credit cards I have access to are both maxed out (£1,000 each). All my other credit cards (on which I have a stagnant heap of historic gambling debts) are cut up and I don't have the numbers for the cards either. I have a £12k loan, which I started repaying in January, and I will just whittle that down month-after-month for the next three years.

I will certainly look at going to a GA meeting soon. My CBT sessions finish on Friday, so I should try GA next. Do you know whether you can turn up virtually at an online meeting, even if it represents a part of the country in which you don't live? I notice there are quite a few online GA meetings running in Sheffield for some reason. Perhaps it's a hotbed of gamblers.

Right, onwards. This coming week is going to be seat-of-my-pants times financially. FML.

@pellekanin there are still some online meetings but they aren’t as good as the real thing. 
If you look on the GA website I believe it says which meetings are online. Normally it will give an email to contact in order to get a PIN number for the meeting.

Good luck with your week. 
Chris.

I have managed to get through the first three days of this week without gambling and without spending any money. I am avoiding leaving the house or going to any shops in order to remove any temptations to spend. After my latest round of dentistry, I have cut out all junk food - so no sweets, chocolates, biscuits, sweetened drinks, etc. That will save me some cash over the coming weeks and months. I need to follow the Mark Twain mantra for a healthy life: "eat what you don't like, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."

I need to get some side hustles going in order to supplement my modest income. My income would be acceptable if it weren't for my stagnant gambling debts, but I simply have to earn more along with clamping down on my expenditure. I have a few avenues to explore further in terms of income streams. I also need to sell off some more of my books and CD collection online. I keep putting it off, but the time has come to start listing things online again. I don't really listen to CDs anymore as I tend to use Spotify, and I tend not to read books more than once. I'll get rid of everything that doesn't have some form of emotional connection. Decluttering is always satisfying once it's underway.

Onwards.

Well it's the first day of Lent, I have Covid, and the world seems to be self-imploding on itself. Still, no reckless gambling to report so that is a small crumb of consolation in my life.

I spent yesterday in bed and watched a host of gambling documentaries and interviews. I'm sure many of you have seen the Paul Merson BBC documentary 'Football, gambling and me'.

It's also on YouTube if you can't watch BBC. What a humble and lovely guy Paul is. I had so many similar feelings. I think he speaks for so many of us.

There is also a good interview 'Gambling Addiction and the Long Road to Recovery' with Paul Merson and Fearne Cotton.

We are not bad people; we are unwell. Stay strong all.

Really disappointed that the moderators felt it necessary to remove the links I provided in my post above. The links were there TO HELP PEOPLE as I thought the content I was referencing was excellent and would be appreciated by other people like me (not, I assume like moderators who probably don't need any gambling help). Having read the etiquette board, I do not believe what I posted breached any of the rules. In fact it definitely DID "reflect the purpose or theme of the specific Forum".

If you don't want people posting links then why do you provide that facility in the ribbon of tools above the box in which I am typing? It doesn't make any sense.

Fine - check links to make sure they are accurate, but why remove them altogether? We need as much help as we can get. Pathetic behaviour.

I'm afraid to say that I gambled recklessly today. Heart-wrenching and gut-churning. I have reset the clocks to zero and am clambering back onto the wagon with my tail between my legs.

I'm also afraid to say that my wife caught me at it this afternoon. First time that's happened. Well, she said "why were you watching horse racing?". I replied "I was just checking something" and quickly changed the subject. She didn't pursue it. The experience made me realise that my wife didn't even seem to realise what was going on. She's either blind or else trusts me far too much. It's probably a bit of both. Anyway, it was a wake-up call as I can't let things unravel right now - there's too much financial carnage. I've taken safety measures this evening and have redoubled my efforts to beat this addiction. If I can get a few weeks and then a few months under my belt then at least she'd be able to see that I've made some progress off my own back, and the financial turmoil will have settled. It's hard, but I've done this before. Come on FFS.

@pellekanin Sorry to read your post above. The CBT clearly didn't work for you. Did you try to get to a GA meeting?

Chris.

Thanks guys. I haven't been able to go to a GA meeting yet - it's tricky finding a suitable time at the moment, but I have signed up for Game Change therapy course in the meantime. I really do need to go to a GA meeting, though. I'm sure it will help me.

Today has been another dreadful day. In fact the whole week has been unremittingly awful. It was the Cheltenham Festival this week, and I'm afraid I got sucked in and it mainly blew up in my face. The horses I backed came second and the horses I layed came first. You get the idea. I don't need sympathy right now; I just need to strap myself onto the wagon and hold on for dear life.

I have done some financial planning this evening and the next three months are going to be absolutely critical. I have charted a course through troubled waters, but I cannot put a foot wrong otherwise I'll sink. I have debts of around £24k made up of five credit cards, a bank loan, a workplace loan, and an overdraft, all of which are the legacy of gambling. All being well, I'll be able to clear Credit Card 1 by the end of this month (£100 left to pay); Credit Card 2 by the end of June (£400 left to pay); and Credit Card 3 by the end of December (£1,000 left to pay).

My other two credit cards are carrying around £8,000 between them and my overdraft is maxed out at £2,000. My bank loan of £12k will take three years to pay off, but my workplace loan will be paid off by the end of June. So, it's pretty rotten right now, but in three months' time I should have cleared two credit cards and my workplace loan, so that will be an improvement if I can stick to it. I'm going to let my bank loan run its course and not think too much about it - at least I can't dip into it and it will reduce month-on-month over the next three years. The focus over the rest of this year is making a dent in the remaining £8k of credit card debt as best I can; I'll probably do what I can with a 0% balance transfer later in the year once my credit rating has improved and my debts are somewhat lower (I'll then cut up the card to prevent me using it for anything other than the balance transfer). I also have to reduce my monthly dependency on my overdraft - it's so depressing being in the red on my current account month after month. I have an outstanding complaint with NatWest about a mortgage application, and they have offered me £400 in compensation plus a possible £600 in backdated interest payments if all works out OK. That possible £1,000 would halve my overdraft at a stroke, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed as the case should be finalized either way by the end of this month. The plan with the overdraft is to close the facility as soon as possible, but to reduce it incrementally in the meantime to remove any opportunity to overspend.

It's so frustrating that us gamblers can be so 'good' with money when we aren't gambling: looking for deals, shifting debts around, drawing up repayment plans, etc. But when it comes to gambling we have no control whatsoever. It's such a Jekyll and Hyde existence.

Hi @pellekanin

It sounds like you're very focused on dealing with your debts at the moment which is understandable as that is a pressing issue.  But it is good that you've signed up for GameChange and are thinking about going to a GA meeting as well, to help you break the cycle and stop it getting worse. 

We do have some suggestions for organisations who can offer free impartial debt advice - find out more at our website:

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/understanding-gambling-problems/how-can-gambling-affect-your-life/

If you need any more support with your gambling, please do give us a call on 0808 8020 133 or by livechat. We're open 24/7 every day. 

Keep updating us,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

@pellekanin disappearing isn’t a good sign.

How are you doing?

Chris.

Thanks for keeping tabs on me. Yesterday was not good on the gambling front. I blew most of this month's wages (around £1,600) in the course of a couple of hours. I was bored on a train home from London and that boredom turned into a gambling binge. I was impatient, grumpy and barely spoke for the rest of the day, and I showed no interest in my family as a result. We were supposed to be having an evening barbecue for Mothering Sunday - I got all the meat, etc. on Saturday, but owing to my gambling binge I had no motivation to do anything at all. In the end, I forced myself to do it, but my mind was elsewhere and my stomach was churning. I took a long walk afterwards and berated myself again and again. Now it's the start of a new week and I am supposed to be working, but my motivation is at a very low ebb right now. I am waiting on a call from the CBT therapist at GameChange in a few minutes at 11am, so will see how that goes.