Here we go again

@pellekanin 

Hi

Thank you for your honest and your sharing.

That takes inner strength yet once we are honest with our self we can understand what our emotional trigger was.

My fear of being honest was due to pains in my child hood when I was honest.

My fear of being honest was also due to my fears of being rejected or abandoned.

In recovery you go through certain stages.

Honesty about gambling and money lost.

Then once our fears reduce we start to talk about our emotional vulnerability.

To understand each of emotional triggers or unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

By me reacting in such unhealthy ways I hurt myself and people around me.

The recovery program is about healing our pains not increasing them.

My wife got use to me lying about my gambling and over time knew the truth when I was lying.

My wife told me that the money was not hurting her, it was my lies and betrayals.

Hence once I got in to recovery she asked me every day if I had gambled.

Then suddenly did not ask me any more.

I questioned her why are you not asking me if I gambled, she said I know you are not gambling.

By me not gambling I no longer had to tell so man lies.

In the recovery program as my fears reduced my trust started to grow.

Just saying sorry to my wife was not enough she wanted to able to trust me once more.

How can a healthy marriage happen if every one is leaving in fear sand self doubt.

To increase your efforts is very healthy.

IN time we pick our self up and learn from our last emotional triggers.

To learn from the past unhealthy habits and live for today only.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Thanks guys. I haven't been able to go to a GA meeting yet - it's tricky finding a suitable time at the moment, but I have signed up for Game Change therapy course in the meantime. I really do need to go to a GA meeting, though. I'm sure it will help me.

Today has been another dreadful day. In fact the whole week has been unremittingly awful. It was the Cheltenham Festival this week, and I'm afraid I got sucked in and it mainly blew up in my face. The horses I backed came second and the horses I layed came first. You get the idea. I don't need sympathy right now; I just need to strap myself onto the wagon and hold on for dear life.

I have done some financial planning this evening and the next three months are going to be absolutely critical. I have charted a course through troubled waters, but I cannot put a foot wrong otherwise I'll sink. I have debts of around £24k made up of five credit cards, a bank loan, a workplace loan, and an overdraft, all of which are the legacy of gambling. All being well, I'll be able to clear Credit Card 1 by the end of this month (£100 left to pay); Credit Card 2 by the end of June (£400 left to pay); and Credit Card 3 by the end of December (£1,000 left to pay).

My other two credit cards are carrying around £8,000 between them and my overdraft is maxed out at £2,000. My bank loan of £12k will take three years to pay off, but my workplace loan will be paid off by the end of June. So, it's pretty rotten right now, but in three months' time I should have cleared two credit cards and my workplace loan, so that will be an improvement if I can stick to it. I'm going to let my bank loan run its course and not think too much about it - at least I can't dip into it and it will reduce month-on-month over the next three years. The focus over the rest of this year is making a dent in the remaining £8k of credit card debt as best I can; I'll probably do what I can with a 0% balance transfer later in the year once my credit rating has improved and my debts are somewhat lower (I'll then cut up the card to prevent me using it for anything other than the balance transfer). I also have to reduce my monthly dependency on my overdraft - it's so depressing being in the red on my current account month after month. I have an outstanding complaint with NatWest about a mortgage application, and they have offered me £400 in compensation plus a possible £600 in backdated interest payments if all works out OK. That possible £1,000 would halve my overdraft at a stroke, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed as the case should be finalized either way by the end of this month. The plan with the overdraft is to close the facility as soon as possible, but to reduce it incrementally in the meantime to remove any opportunity to overspend.

It's so frustrating that us gamblers can be so 'good' with money when we aren't gambling: looking for deals, shifting debts around, drawing up repayment plans, etc. But when it comes to gambling we have no control whatsoever. It's such a Jekyll and Hyde existence.

@pellekanin 

Hi

It was a life saver going to meetings.

Eventually I went to meetings for myself and no one else.

The longer Gambled the more self abuse I Gave myself.

If a boss came up and asked me to work for a month and not get paid how would I deal with that.

Yet in effect I worked for months and years and simply gave it away getting nothing but pain fear frustrations and more stress up on myself.

Yet in effect I worked for months and years and simply gave the gambling establishments my holidays car and homes.

I worked out that my smoking cost me 10 per day over a year that was 3,600 over 20 years that was 72,000 

I worked out that my gambling cost me more 10 per day over a year that was 3,600 over 20 years that was 72,000. 

Two unhealthy habits over 20 was the price of a house, which I willingly gave to gambling establishments.

Yet my recovery and healing could not be resolved with money.

I use to think that having lots of money would resolve my life that money would make me feel successful, that was not true at all.

Being in the recovery I thought that my life would become so much easier, no the opposite things went pear shaped more often, yes the more I got in to my recovery my steel got more and more tested, that is how it works.

Yet besides healing my pains the recovery program would also help me make much healthier choices. 

The things I use to react to in unhealthy ways I would process in much healthier focused ways.

My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fear I could not face and reduce, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, loneliness and boredom. 

My emotional triggers were unhealthy reactions when I did or said some very unhealthy things.

Many people will think that once we abstain from gambling we are cured, for me not so, it is only by me abstaining could the healing process take effect.

Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child.

Burdening our self with more and debt is not healthy.

It just causes more pains fears and frustrations with in me.

Simply it is about just for today only I will not gamble.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave Of Beckenham UK

Hi @pellekanin

It sounds like you're very focused on dealing with your debts at the moment which is understandable as that is a pressing issue.  But it is good that you've signed up for GameChange and are thinking about going to a GA meeting as well, to help you break the cycle and stop it getting worse. 

We do have some suggestions for organisations who can offer free impartial debt advice - find out more at our website:

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/understanding-gambling-problems/how-can-gambling-affect-your-life/

If you need any more support with your gambling, please do give us a call on 0808 8020 133 or by livechat. We're open 24/7 every day. 

Keep updating us,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

@pellekanin disappearing isn’t a good sign.

How are you doing?

Chris.

Thanks for keeping tabs on me. Yesterday was not good on the gambling front. I blew most of this month's wages (around £1,600) in the course of a couple of hours. I was bored on a train home from London and that boredom turned into a gambling binge. I was impatient, grumpy and barely spoke for the rest of the day, and I showed no interest in my family as a result. We were supposed to be having an evening barbecue for Mothering Sunday - I got all the meat, etc. on Saturday, but owing to my gambling binge I had no motivation to do anything at all. In the end, I forced myself to do it, but my mind was elsewhere and my stomach was churning. I took a long walk afterwards and berated myself again and again. Now it's the start of a new week and I am supposed to be working, but my motivation is at a very low ebb right now. I am waiting on a call from the CBT therapist at GameChange in a few minutes at 11am, so will see how that goes.

@pellekanin Thanks for getting back in touch. 

Let me give you some advice. You will never win enough money to get yourself out of your situation and stop. The money has gone, it's going to take some paying back, but with a careful plan you will be able to have a repayment plan and enough money to live. I hope the CBT works for you but why not combine it with something else. There's therapy that's free, there's GA, that's free, there's treatment centres, they're free.

For me it's GA and as much as I would like everyone to find a group, you have to want to stop. 

Maybe if that's all too much for you, just check in here on a daily basis. It takes 2 minutes to say how you are feeling, how your day has been and look at any advice that others use that you might like to try yourself. If you can identify with someone similar and they are getting on okay maybe become their conversation buddy. Supporting someone else can also help you, and the circle is complete, but don't disappear, everyone knows what happens when you disappear. 

Good luck

Chris.

Thanks Chris. I don't know how to find your diary on here - do you have one?

I'm having the eight weeks of CBT through GamCare so there's a heavy gambling focus. It's possible I could follow it up with face-to-face counselling also. I really want to go to a GA meeting too and have found one not so far from where I live - will have to tell a white lie to my wife in order to attend but I think that's worth it. I want to do my very best to correct myself or at least get myself on the path to recovery - I got myself into this mess and I need to repair the damage.

I have a debt repayment plan that allows me to deal with three credit cards and a loan by the end of December, but that assumes that nothing goes wrong in the next nine months. If I stick with it, I'll only have one credit card and one loan left come January 2023. Anyway, I need to focus on the here-and-now and I'm getting various things in place over the next few days with a fresh start beckoning for the 1st April on Friday. I am cutting back on expenditure where I can, but I must also earn more. I have requested a small pay rise from my part-time job - if accepted, I'll have an extra £50 per month to plough into my debts from next month, unless it all gets sucked up in energy bills. I felt ashamed asking for more money, and I wouldn't have were it not for my situation. Still, if you don't ask, you don't get. I have to do everything I can right now. Thanks for your support.

Rest assured * am going through similarly the SAME situation.  

Had an old diary went around like a Dog chasing my tail.

With regards to finances; It's the Monopoly, always has been a flaw in the design from the beginning of time. After all it is manmade, isn't it?

There is something way more sinister going on  upon the planet we live. We just need that higher level of consciousness to tune ourselves into it.

Lastly, gambling is a very poor investment but we get ourselves so stressed out about it when we decide to 8nvest our cash into such a bad decision....But....When we have none left...We have nothing to lose and the World is our Oyster once again...Until they reprogramme our minds again to have another dabble in such a bad investment....

@pellekanin I don’t have a diary, GA is my diary I guess, but I can tell you what I do.

I attend GA at least once a week, sometimes more if I fancy one or need one elsewhere. I tend not to need more than one a week now but I enjoy them so I’m happy to attend, not only for myself but for others who might need someone to identify with.

I also worked through a 12 steps recovery program which has saved my life and kept me sane. I help others work through the program as well which is like a mini meeting in itself.

I’m 52, been gambling since I was 5 or 6 in arcades on holidays and progressed from there at every possible avenue. I’ve lost jobs, lost family, lost money, lost my reputation, lost my home more than once, lost my freedom, lost friends, etc!

GA helps me stop gambling, the 12 step recovery program helps me stay stopped and become a better person. I cannot put into a paragraph 40 years of hurt, but I can say this. Today I have a choice. I can choose to place a bet or not place a bet. If I place that bet then I would be willingly hurting and destroying everything around me that I’ve worked so hard to make right. I have only been able to make things right by working the program.

If I place the first bet then I’m lost. I know this and accept it, so why would I place the first bet? That’s my daily dilemma, to place or not place the first bet. Today I choose not to for the reasons I have mentioned but also I do not want to.

Finally, maybe the word HOW can help you. H O W.

H is for honesty. Honest with others but also yourself. I’m not a fan of a white lie to your wife to attend GA but I think attending GA will help you more than telling a white lie will hurt you, so if that’s your choice then do it. I’ve found lies fester but I understand your reasoning for doing so.

O is for open minded. Be open to others ideas, other methods. Consider that those who have been through it might have your back and be willing to trust.

W is for willing. Be willing to do whatever needs to be done. Be willing to listen to others. Be willing to trust. 
Recovery is a selfish program in a way. It’s about you, not your wife or kids or friends. They might not like what you say or what they hear. But the act of getting it out of you is beneficial to you and that’s important. Not doing something to help yourself because someone might get upset about it isn’t helping yourself. 
I’ll stop now, I feel like I’m preaching and I’m not going to do that. Just telling you my story.

Good luck to you.

Chris.

I have decided that I need to return to these diaries again. My life has been pretty awful for the past year on numerous fronts: 1. My marriage is at breaking point; 2. My father is stuck in hospital with no quality of life; 3. I am still battling my addiction with a legacy of historical debts to service; 4. I have become a worse father liable to snap at my children without warning to the detriment of my relationship with them. The last of these hurts me more than anything else. Of course I love my children and would never want to lose them. I'm just completely rattled and unstable about everything else going on.

Anyway, I must draw a line in the sand and move forward in a positive light. It's rather late for new year's resolutions, as I've broken some of them already, but I need to focus on the following for the rest of this year: 1. Abstaining from gambling; 2. Reducing my burden of debts pound by pound; 3. Restoring myself as a good, caring and loving father, which is who I am under the surface.

I'm not sure about my marriage, but I've come to the realisation that I married the wrong person when I was too young, and we've ended up in a parental marriage at best. Any quality time we once shared with each other has eroded away little by little until there is nothing left other than our duties towards our children. My wife, who has had an emotional affair with another man, argues that I pushed her away and neglected her emotional needs, which I probably did, and that I never showed much affection nor interest in her, which is true to a point. However, relationships are a two-way street, and I think we are both culpable of neglecting each other. She also accuses me of controlling the finances, which I do to the extent that I pay the entirety of the household bills - mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, etc. Critically, I have never told her about my gambling, so I have refused to let her comb through my bank statements and see the legacy of gambling debts that I have accrued over the years – I have tried to shield her from this, and I know many of you will not agree with what I have done. As a result of me not showing her my bank statements, she distrusts me and thinks (rather ironically) that I am having an affair. Although, as my therapist said - having an affair and having a hidden addiction manifest themselves in the same behaviours - covering things up, being secretive and acting suspiciously.

I am talking all of this through with a therapist and will be having at least 8 weekly sessions every Wednesday, which started yesterday, to see whether I can find some solutions and a way out. I just thought it would help me to write things down here also. I realise that this addiction permeates so many areas of our lives – our relationships, the way we behave, etc. – so it’s important to think about everything together.

This is a good place, and I'm grateful to anyone who chooses to read what I’ve written.

@pellekanin mate you need a few different therpy sessions including GA, I have been going GA for a number of years it does help but looking at the way you are going you need more then that support to quit what helped me was i wrote my person memories which were caused due to gambling, if i didnt have those bets i would have been able to do those, and times where i had lost my months wages and how difficult it was to get through it was it really worth it for a few wins and even then those turned into losses and i didnt benefit from it, find other stuff gambling is highly addictive even when u have no plans to gamble you can get sucked back into i also found out i was spending too much time on my own and i did relapse due to boredom i have put things in place to kill the void and i have noticed i did alot better i managed to be GF for over 2 years life was great until my last relapse was caused by family tradegy i didnt expect i would end up Gambling again i didnt take the news well and i was in some kind of trance mode. I have made adjusted gone to CBT and they found out i had underlying issues which i didnt get of my chest, im attending Gym now as stress can build up day to day, i find if you put an effort to changing yourself and not feeding this addiction you can beat this addiction i feel alot better now

@tazman Thank you for your comments. You are right that I need various different people helping me, but I am trying. I have spoken with my GP, and am taking anti-depressants, I have had NHS CBT sessions both one-to-one and group sessions, and I am receiving gambling-specific therapy through Gamcare. I must also attend a GA session. You are right that we need to fill the void that gambling has left in our lives. Right now I need to focus on my relationship with my children and rebuild that to what it was before. I need to become a calmer, more patient and more settled person. If I abstain from gambling and my debts go down, then I'm sure things will improve more generally in my life.

Hi pellekanin, 

Just thought I’d say hello as I remember your original diary.
My daughter likes Peter Rabbit. Take it easy and I wish you well. You are not alone. 

@paulll Hi Paul, thanks for dropping by to say hello. Yes, I remember you too. On the one hand it is comforting when familiar names stick around, but it is also rather depressing when diary members disappear without trace. I guess it's a transient and rather anonymous community. I'm just glad for any support I can get. I hope your recovery is going well.