Here we go again

@pellekanin Thanks for getting back in touch. 

Let me give you some advice. You will never win enough money to get yourself out of your situation and stop. The money has gone, it's going to take some paying back, but with a careful plan you will be able to have a repayment plan and enough money to live. I hope the CBT works for you but why not combine it with something else. There's therapy that's free, there's GA, that's free, there's treatment centres, they're free.

For me it's GA and as much as I would like everyone to find a group, you have to want to stop. 

Maybe if that's all too much for you, just check in here on a daily basis. It takes 2 minutes to say how you are feeling, how your day has been and look at any advice that others use that you might like to try yourself. If you can identify with someone similar and they are getting on okay maybe become their conversation buddy. Supporting someone else can also help you, and the circle is complete, but don't disappear, everyone knows what happens when you disappear. 

Good luck

Chris.

Thanks Chris. I don't know how to find your diary on here - do you have one?

I'm having the eight weeks of CBT through GamCare so there's a heavy gambling focus. It's possible I could follow it up with face-to-face counselling also. I really want to go to a GA meeting too and have found one not so far from where I live - will have to tell a white lie to my wife in order to attend but I think that's worth it. I want to do my very best to correct myself or at least get myself on the path to recovery - I got myself into this mess and I need to repair the damage.

I have a debt repayment plan that allows me to deal with three credit cards and a loan by the end of December, but that assumes that nothing goes wrong in the next nine months. If I stick with it, I'll only have one credit card and one loan left come January 2023. Anyway, I need to focus on the here-and-now and I'm getting various things in place over the next few days with a fresh start beckoning for the 1st April on Friday. I am cutting back on expenditure where I can, but I must also earn more. I have requested a small pay rise from my part-time job - if accepted, I'll have an extra £50 per month to plough into my debts from next month, unless it all gets sucked up in energy bills. I felt ashamed asking for more money, and I wouldn't have were it not for my situation. Still, if you don't ask, you don't get. I have to do everything I can right now. Thanks for your support.

Rest assured * am going through similarly the SAME situation.  

Had an old diary went around like a Dog chasing my tail.

With regards to finances; It's the Monopoly, always has been a flaw in the design from the beginning of time. After all it is manmade, isn't it?

There is something way more sinister going on  upon the planet we live. We just need that higher level of consciousness to tune ourselves into it.

Lastly, gambling is a very poor investment but we get ourselves so stressed out about it when we decide to 8nvest our cash into such a bad decision....But....When we have none left...We have nothing to lose and the World is our Oyster once again...Until they reprogramme our minds again to have another dabble in such a bad investment....

@pellekanin I don’t have a diary, GA is my diary I guess, but I can tell you what I do.

I attend GA at least once a week, sometimes more if I fancy one or need one elsewhere. I tend not to need more than one a week now but I enjoy them so I’m happy to attend, not only for myself but for others who might need someone to identify with.

I also worked through a 12 steps recovery program which has saved my life and kept me sane. I help others work through the program as well which is like a mini meeting in itself.

I’m 52, been gambling since I was 5 or 6 in arcades on holidays and progressed from there at every possible avenue. I’ve lost jobs, lost family, lost money, lost my reputation, lost my home more than once, lost my freedom, lost friends, etc!

GA helps me stop gambling, the 12 step recovery program helps me stay stopped and become a better person. I cannot put into a paragraph 40 years of hurt, but I can say this. Today I have a choice. I can choose to place a bet or not place a bet. If I place that bet then I would be willingly hurting and destroying everything around me that I’ve worked so hard to make right. I have only been able to make things right by working the program.

If I place the first bet then I’m lost. I know this and accept it, so why would I place the first bet? That’s my daily dilemma, to place or not place the first bet. Today I choose not to for the reasons I have mentioned but also I do not want to.

Finally, maybe the word HOW can help you. H O W.

H is for honesty. Honest with others but also yourself. I’m not a fan of a white lie to your wife to attend GA but I think attending GA will help you more than telling a white lie will hurt you, so if that’s your choice then do it. I’ve found lies fester but I understand your reasoning for doing so.

O is for open minded. Be open to others ideas, other methods. Consider that those who have been through it might have your back and be willing to trust.

W is for willing. Be willing to do whatever needs to be done. Be willing to listen to others. Be willing to trust. 
Recovery is a selfish program in a way. It’s about you, not your wife or kids or friends. They might not like what you say or what they hear. But the act of getting it out of you is beneficial to you and that’s important. Not doing something to help yourself because someone might get upset about it isn’t helping yourself. 
I’ll stop now, I feel like I’m preaching and I’m not going to do that. Just telling you my story.

Good luck to you.

Chris.

I have decided that I need to return to these diaries again. My life has been pretty awful for the past year on numerous fronts: 1. My marriage is at breaking point; 2. My father is stuck in hospital with no quality of life; 3. I am still battling my addiction with a legacy of historical debts to service; 4. I have become a worse father liable to snap at my children without warning to the detriment of my relationship with them. The last of these hurts me more than anything else. Of course I love my children and would never want to lose them. I'm just completely rattled and unstable about everything else going on.

Anyway, I must draw a line in the sand and move forward in a positive light. It's rather late for new year's resolutions, as I've broken some of them already, but I need to focus on the following for the rest of this year: 1. Abstaining from gambling; 2. Reducing my burden of debts pound by pound; 3. Restoring myself as a good, caring and loving father, which is who I am under the surface.

I'm not sure about my marriage, but I've come to the realisation that I married the wrong person when I was too young, and we've ended up in a parental marriage at best. Any quality time we once shared with each other has eroded away little by little until there is nothing left other than our duties towards our children. My wife, who has had an emotional affair with another man, argues that I pushed her away and neglected her emotional needs, which I probably did, and that I never showed much affection nor interest in her, which is true to a point. However, relationships are a two-way street, and I think we are both culpable of neglecting each other. She also accuses me of controlling the finances, which I do to the extent that I pay the entirety of the household bills - mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, etc. Critically, I have never told her about my gambling, so I have refused to let her comb through my bank statements and see the legacy of gambling debts that I have accrued over the years – I have tried to shield her from this, and I know many of you will not agree with what I have done. As a result of me not showing her my bank statements, she distrusts me and thinks (rather ironically) that I am having an affair. Although, as my therapist said - having an affair and having a hidden addiction manifest themselves in the same behaviours - covering things up, being secretive and acting suspiciously.

I am talking all of this through with a therapist and will be having at least 8 weekly sessions every Wednesday, which started yesterday, to see whether I can find some solutions and a way out. I just thought it would help me to write things down here also. I realise that this addiction permeates so many areas of our lives – our relationships, the way we behave, etc. – so it’s important to think about everything together.

This is a good place, and I'm grateful to anyone who chooses to read what I’ve written.

@pellekanin mate you need a few different therpy sessions including GA, I have been going GA for a number of years it does help but looking at the way you are going you need more then that support to quit what helped me was i wrote my person memories which were caused due to gambling, if i didnt have those bets i would have been able to do those, and times where i had lost my months wages and how difficult it was to get through it was it really worth it for a few wins and even then those turned into losses and i didnt benefit from it, find other stuff gambling is highly addictive even when u have no plans to gamble you can get sucked back into i also found out i was spending too much time on my own and i did relapse due to boredom i have put things in place to kill the void and i have noticed i did alot better i managed to be GF for over 2 years life was great until my last relapse was caused by family tradegy i didnt expect i would end up Gambling again i didnt take the news well and i was in some kind of trance mode. I have made adjusted gone to CBT and they found out i had underlying issues which i didnt get of my chest, im attending Gym now as stress can build up day to day, i find if you put an effort to changing yourself and not feeding this addiction you can beat this addiction i feel alot better now

@tazman Thank you for your comments. You are right that I need various different people helping me, but I am trying. I have spoken with my GP, and am taking anti-depressants, I have had NHS CBT sessions both one-to-one and group sessions, and I am receiving gambling-specific therapy through Gamcare. I must also attend a GA session. You are right that we need to fill the void that gambling has left in our lives. Right now I need to focus on my relationship with my children and rebuild that to what it was before. I need to become a calmer, more patient and more settled person. If I abstain from gambling and my debts go down, then I'm sure things will improve more generally in my life.

Hi pellekanin, 

Just thought I’d say hello as I remember your original diary.
My daughter likes Peter Rabbit. Take it easy and I wish you well. You are not alone. 

@paulll Hi Paul, thanks for dropping by to say hello. Yes, I remember you too. On the one hand it is comforting when familiar names stick around, but it is also rather depressing when diary members disappear without trace. I guess it's a transient and rather anonymous community. I'm just glad for any support I can get. I hope your recovery is going well.

I don't know if it's the January blues, but my whole life seems to be pervaded by sadness at the moment. As I reflect on my past, some of my sadness is connected to gambling: the money I've thrown away and the time I've wasted. I can, eventually, pay off the debts, but I'll never get the time back. It's not just the time lost while gambling; it's the time lost because of gambling during periods of abstinence - the days I didn't go out to meet friends because I had no money; the days when I didn't take the children bowling or to the cinema because I had no money; and the holidays I never had because they were too expensive. I've torched over twenty years of my life. All I can hope now is that I have learnt something from this wretched experience. I can't change the beginning of my life, but I can start from where I am now and change the ending. Hopefully it will be a happy one.

Another bad start to the day - shouting at my wife in front of our children. I was stressed as we were late for school plus various other reasons, but I shouldn't have done it either way. Still, it wasn't as bad as last week's shouting episode. Last week I felt so bad afterwards that I went down to my children's school at lunchtime, hugged them, and apologised to them both individually. I am trying to keep a cap on this, but there are several triggers at the moment: my father is very ill in hospital, my marriage is in a terrible state, I have tinittus all the time which is driving me insance, and I'm battling debt and addiction.

If I keep my face to the sun, then I won't see the shadows. Onwards.

Having used these diaries quite heavily around 2011 and 2012, plus various other times since, it feels like there is less movement on the diary forum than there used to be. Just an observation and I could be wrong.

I feel constantly lethargic and worn out plus I have a persistent low hum in my left ear. Still, I'm nearly two weeks clean, and I hope that my life will improve generally without reckless gambling around to ruin it. This is a big year financially, and I need to keep my finances on an extremely tight rein. Onwards.