I don't know if it's the January blues, but my whole life seems to be pervaded by sadness at the moment. As I reflect on my past, some of my sadness is connected to gambling: the money I've thrown away and the time I've wasted. I can, eventually, pay off the debts, but I'll never get the time back. It's not just the time lost while gambling; it's the time lost because of gambling during periods of abstinence - the days I didn't go out to meet friends because I had no money; the days when I didn't take the children bowling or to the cinema because I had no money; and the holidays I never had because they were too expensive. I've torched over twenty years of my life. All I can hope now is that I have learnt something from this wretched experience. I can't change the beginning of my life, but I can start from where I am now and change the ending. Hopefully it will be a happy one.
Another bad start to the day - shouting at my wife in front of our children. I was stressed as we were late for school plus various other reasons, but I shouldn't have done it either way. Still, it wasn't as bad as last week's shouting episode. Last week I felt so bad afterwards that I went down to my children's school at lunchtime, hugged them, and apologised to them both individually. I am trying to keep a cap on this, but there are several triggers at the moment: my father is very ill in hospital, my marriage is in a terrible state, I have tinittus all the time which is driving me insance, and I'm battling debt and addiction.
If I keep my face to the sun, then I won't see the shadows. Onwards.
Having used these diaries quite heavily around 2011 and 2012, plus various other times since, it feels like there is less movement on the diary forum than there used to be. Just an observation and I could be wrong.
I feel constantly lethargic and worn out plus I have a persistent low hum in my left ear. Still, I'm nearly two weeks clean, and I hope that my life will improve generally without reckless gambling around to ruin it. This is a big year financially, and I need to keep my finances on an extremely tight rein. Onwards.
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