Holycrossers new diary

New week. Fresh start.  We go again.

Look forward.  Glance back as a reminder, but don't stare.

I know that you work better when you feel in control, so take control of something from start to finish.

I challenge you to do something new this week.  Pick one (each is a level higher than the last): 

- Walk that little bit further. 

- Start the 100 press up challenge (details online). 

- Couch to 5k (app available to support)

Hi Holycrosser, 

One thing i've learned on here is that you're a creature of habit who checks in most days, yet i haven't seen you post much lately. Are you ok ?. Hope the answer is yes but i'll take whatever comes as long as you let us know what's happening. Maybe there's nothing to worry about & you've just been busy.

If you've had another relapse no  one's gonna judge you, I'm posting because i care not because i'm trying to poke my nose where it ain't wanted. You've had a fantastic year, new start, new wife & quality time with your family. If it's those things that have prevented you from posting all well & good. If it's because you've gave in to temptation get back & get back on track. You've achieved too much to throw away.

Best Wishes

AL

Hi Holycrosser,

I'm beginning to worry. I truly hope you ain't been around because you've been so busy. However if you've slipped just get back on here & get back on track. No one's gonna judge or criticise, this forum is about recovery & not moral judgements.

Kind Regards

AL

Posted by: slowlearner

Hi Holycrosser,

I'm beginning to worry. I truly hope you ain't been around because you've been so busy. However if you've slipped just get back on here & get back on track. No one's gonna judge or criticise, this forum is about recovery & not moral judgements.

 

Kind Regards

 

AL

I’m alive don’t worry......up date below

So time to come clean ,I find my way back here after a ridiculously sad few weeks gambling.

the worst thing I ever did was go to the races a few weeks back, that set me off and I must admit I didn’t get through it, I gambled, I lied to save face, I won’t make that mistake again.

there can be 100% no way I can go racing /betting shop the lot, can’t do it anymore, i can’t handle it, I will spare you all the details but I’ve gambled every day almost for a few weeks now.

Time to start again, I know all the pitfalls, I know how to stop, it’s staying forever that I now realise is tough but I know i will and can give it a good shot.

Right now I hate myself, however coming back here will help me.

i gambled this morning, I want that to be the end, tomorrow, right now I stop.

hope you are all well, I’m sorry for being an idiot......away we go .Day one tomorrow.

Hi Holycrosser,

I'm just glad you've done the right thing & returned. Try and stop hating yourself, if you feel hatred direct towards the addiction and see it for what it is. Leading up to this relapse it was obvious by your previous posts life was becoming better by the day for you. Recent wedding, quality time spent with your family & the debts coming down.

You've shown great strength of character in the past and i'm sure what's happened recently will make you even stronger this time in beating this vile addiction. I know there's probably not much i can say at this moment in time to make you feel better, but for sure you will get better & become happier as each gamble free day passes. I'm so gad you're back.

Best Wishes

AL

You are not an idiot, you are infected with the same horrific disease that has got its claws into many of us. This is just another reminder for you how strong this addiction is.

Not going to give you any of "there, there, its ok that you relapsed again" type sympathy because it is really not ok that you gambled. You are worth more than this and must take action today to work out how you are going to prevent this ever happening again.

Do you want to be "that guy" who is coming back on here with his tail between his legs again when he had relapsed for the 10th time and has lost his house, his job, his family? I am saying all this because it is this scenario that truly scares me about my relapses.

Don't do the same things and expect a different outcome. Find that thing that is going to stop you gambling permanently. 

Good luck

Hi Holycrosser

Sorry if that last post was a bit blunt.  I don't say these things to be cruel, but I really don't want you to gamble ever again. Every relapse on here feels like a win for the gambling industry and that really pains me.

Muststop123

thank you both for the support, i dont need the kick up the b*m ive just hit that moment again where i must stop .

im hoping thats it for me, i need to be 100% honest or this is pointless, lots of soul searching ahead so let me deal with  it, tomorrow i will attempt my first day of a new future.

this is on me

So day 1 begins.

midway through it, been very busy , a new dawn for me begins ...later tonight I will put some feelings down of how the last month has been.

I went to the races a while back, I posted on here I got through it unscathed, i lied, I didn’t, I gambled for the first time in over 120 days, I won it felt good.

i decided I would gamble before I went so I was fully aware....I can’t explain why, no reason.

since then I thought yeah I can win at this so I started again, won quite a bit(few hundred) the bang that sinking feeling, I wasn’t the king anymore.

But I couldn’t just leave it, I started wandering into betting shops, just a tenner a day, I could easily do that but that certainty got beat on the third time of trying , then I chase and they evil cycle begins.

i became that liar, that devious person.work has suffered , ive gone back to being more obsessed about gambling than work, longing for 11am when the dogs start and then the racing , I win, it’s great then I can’t just leave it, I try and win more on the way home and suddenly I’m twice as much down, I go home in a mood gutted, I swear never again then later in the day I say to myself just one more good go.....then I’m two hundred down again.

why o why do I do this to myself, the other day I drew out two hundred and twent quid and lost it in 30 mins on stupid dogs and South African racing, i didn’t even look at form just backed favourites , they all came second, that was when I decided yet again enough is enough.

so I’m back, hating the last 4-6 weeks , in more debt, embarrassed and hurt.

i thought I could do this, I’m not like those other folk.....I am , we are all addicts fighting this.

im nearly 52 skint and nothing much to show for working all my life, I can’t even have the balls to tell the one person who can end all of this , my wife, I’m a coward.

the self pity ends and I try again, yep it’s all I can do....sorry about this , I need all the support from you folk ok.

Hi Holycrosser,

Like you i was into live sports, never slots or casinos. It's been 15 months since my last bet, Am i stronger ? YES, could i go to a race meeting & not gamble ? f**k NO.. It's all about trigger points & recognising them. Wherever there's horses, dogs, football and the means to gamble it's simply no good for me.

I don't think i've asked before but what blocks ( if any ) have you got in place ?.Have you done self exclusion ( online ) have you done shop exclusion ?. If not why not. CGs will not only find a way but most importantly an excuse to gamble. Feeling down & depressed are all part & parcel of being a CG. The trick is to not let it win. You couldn't imagine how many times i've been where you are right now.

So what do we do ?. Lie down and die or man up and find the courage to refuse to let this illness define us. I think it's so much easier to gamble when we get a little better, the financial situation improves slightly and we kid ourselves that we're back in control. Understand CGs will never be in control & will be addicted for life. We never get cured we simply learn to deal with our situation.

Let me tell you this, the big win we're all chasing isn't coming. Whilst gambling we're are NEVER going to become debt free. Whilst gambling we will never improve our or our loved ones lives. Quite the opposite, we'll cause misery & heartache for the last people in this world we wish to hurt. You've slipped up so what are you going to do?, wise up & accept you're an addict who's powerless & will keep giving in to your old master. Or are you prepared to fight , take back control and avoid confrontation & crossing swords with an addiction so much more powerful than so many who've become enslaved to it.

I know you ain't feeling good right now & probably in a real dark place, but all i can say is if you continue to gamble things will get so much worse, whereas if you can find the strength to refrain life will only get better. Look back at your posts over the last few months, then look at where you are now. It's make your mind up time & i hope you chose wisely next time temptation comes along.

Best Wishes

AL 

Hi AL.

blocks yep I was signed up to Gamstop for 5 years, online I’ve no chance thankfully.

worse though I feel live sport, betting shop you are making and very conscious of the choice , where as online you kinda get sucked into a trance pressing buttons.Live sport and betting shops is about thinking and making decisions and judgements, it appealed more to me, I felt 8 had a better chance, however it’s all bad choices.

today i haven’t gambled and thankfully my mind is back to being “on it” recovery wise.

thanks for the support

Day 2 just about done may I add.

those who know me , i love to count the days .

Day 3 begins and my first weekend to get over .

here goes, planning a walk today, get back to basics