Hope

Another day passes gambling free.. happens to be day 100.... am pleased.. but still very much one day at a time as always.

I went to GA this evening. It was a good meeting..good mix of newbies and old timers. I enjoyed the openness and honesty. It encouraged me to be more open about what i chose to say. I could relate so much to what others had to say... low self-esteem..not being in a relationship..loneliness.. coping with work.. coping with home life..building relationships with family... building a social life... coping with boredom..dealing with debts..on and on it goes. Who ever said life was easy. lol

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year

Another day passes gambling free.. no urges or thoughts to gamble.

However one of the things i struggle with in life is taking positive action... there are areas in my life that need addressing... I want to find a new job.. but i do nothing about it... I dont want to be on my own anymore... but i do nothing about that... I say to myself that i want to sign up for a course this autumn.. but ive done nothing about it. I pro-crastinate..I dither.. i think but dont actually do or atleast thats where I seem to be at at the moment.

The above is not good news.. I know myself well enough... I am in danger at some stage of saying to myself... o b*****ks to this... and going off to have a gamble to cheer myself up or not to have to think about all the things i want to do but am not actually doing. Its like i need the proverbial kick up the backside.

This was all brought home to me last night at a GA meeting where a member with many many years abstinence was feeling down in the dumps becuase he felt that all he had acheived was not gambling and yet at the same time the "voids" in his life remained.

I can relate to this because before my slip that led me to starting this diary I had managed 3 years with no gambling.. not so much as a lottery ticket..but in all that time whilst yes I had acheived a level of financial stability and got myself into a stable living situation and found a job... the voids remained. The areas of my life i found difficult to make progress on remained and still remain.

When the debts were all dealt with and i was no longer under all that debt stress the original underlying reasons that led me to gamble compulsively in the first place became apparent once more. I guess it frightened me a bit to listen to this chap talking and feeling the way he did after so many many years of abstinence. I am essentially a lonely person..it scares me today that i might feel this way all my life and then i will die.

I seem to be having a melancholly moment...best to stop writing i think.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

morning SA...

Rodders 'e*e....

we all feel a bit alone at times...but life changes sooo very much and in an instant you can be married with a couple of kids..etc...just so much change........

glad you reached your 100 matey...isn't it great that fam' etc matters...never used to did it ?..just when could I have me next bet...eh...

so much to look forward to...

Rodders

((S.A.))

Your post could have been written about me! I am the personification of procrastination and dithering! I spend hours dithering in my head about what I want to do, what I need to do, blah, blah. BUT I never do anything about them! It is soooo frustrating!

This however is what I decided that I needed to address after my relapse. I can't say that I have made enormous strides, but I have gone out and gotten a new job that will allow me to stay closer to home, and have time to return to school. I have also applied for a full scholaship that would allow me to earn my degree, so I am waiting to hear if I was awarded that. I still have a lot of work to do about this defect of mine, but at least I am making some baby steps.

I think when we begin working on things like this, baby steps are all that is needed....some small step each day which hopefully will lead us to forward progress!

Wishing you well,

Hugs,

Julie

Thank you for your thoughts Rodders and Julie. Day 104 gambling free for me

Am doing very little today... its absolutely belting it down outside..deep and dark rain clouds fill the sky... I have no inclination to go outside whatsoever. I am reminded that i do like my home (even though it could do with a good clean).. I feel safe and secure and at ease with myself.

One of the reasons I use to gamble on a daily basis was that I didnt enjoy where I lived and I just wanted to escape from it... what better I thought than a nice warm and inviting gambling den. Why would i have wanted to go back to a bedsit with no heating??

I had created that scenario of course..when i moved into that bedist it escalated my gambling rather than started it. At the end of the day i gambled because i enjoyed it. Gambling is no longer something that I can do because I am not able to control.. I have proved that to myself time and time again. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Hello Starting Again

see you have joined a Gym (Stu's diary) - that seems pretty positive to me - I have found this really helps keeping stress levels down and you can unleash your frustrations by focusing on you work out. Work really hard and your will be so tired after you won't think of much else apart from going to sleep - after of course you have eating like a horse - it makes you extemly hungry!! it's all about getting your mind right - one moment you can feel good the next P.s..d off with the world - but that i think is human nature in all of us.

Yes the weather is pretty grim - tempted to cacoon yourself from the outside world but get down that Gym - i bet(sorry wrong choice of word!) theres all shapes and sises - there is where i go - makes me feel better straight away

wish you well

daveco

Hi starting-again.

Thanks for the words of support in my diary. It's funny how we are probably so different irl and yet our stories and still so similar in many ways.

I'm sorry that you slipped up after such a long time abstaining. That was a long time ago now and it's good that you've learned a lot from you lapse in judgment!

I hope you have enjoyed your gamblefree weekend!

regards,

nwn.

Hi SA

Hope you're having a good weekend and thanks for the continued support and very helpful messages. It is indeed very useful to get advice and warnings form someone who has experienced first hand how the disease can creep up on you even after a prologed period of abstinence. Thanks and keep it going - you provide inspiration for many people.

Tiodaat

Thank you Daveco, Nwn and Tiodaat for your warm words. I always read replies thoughtfully.. it helps to get feedback..and rest assured I will be dropping in to your diaries sometime soon.

I use to keep a personal journal..I wrote in it most days for two years..ive stopped now though..I prefer the fact that other people can read my ramblings..it also helps me to re-read my thoughts. Sometimes when i look back I am shocked at what i bad place i may have been in on a particular day... it reminds me that my emotional health and well being is constantly changing.

I notice that today I am in fine form, feeling good about myself and have been doing positive things. However reading back just a few days I see that I have been in difficult headspace..feeling sorry for myself.. feeling a bit lonely and depressed...but not today.. i am feeling very much on a level today..i slept well last night i think. Ive done 8.59 km's down the gym in 50 mins.. am pleased with that.. this evening i am making myself a nice meal.

Just to touch on what Tiodatt said about how the disease can creep up on you even after a preiod of prolonged abstinence. This is so true both from my personal experience and also from other gamblers I have known. when i gambled again after 3 years off..it was like i had never been away... the thought processes I went through.. the emotional highs and lows were exactly the same as they had been several years before.. no change.

I read in another persons diary.."the pilot light is always on".. this is the case with me. Occasionally I find myself lying awake at night..remembering the wins..romanticising about the past... all the pain and misery that conveniently forgotten.

Maintenance is the key for me... I need to keep reading and writing.. I need to keep going to GA.. I need to keep doing the things that i enjoy to do (the gym etc)..otherwise I start to drift backwards in thought and in action..eventually it leads to gambling. Today is a good day though I feel content

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Another day passing gambling free...day 107 according to the problemgamblingguides gamble free calculator... am taking things very much one day at a time as always.

Its been one of those days where I woke up feeling like i hadn't slept and feeling miserable, full of forboding about the day ahead. As it turns out once I had fully woken up and dragged myself into work.. I was fine..mood lifted.. and am now feeling in good spirits.. almost to the point where doing some cleaning and tidying up could be a possibility lol

On a serious note.. my flat very much reflects my state of mind. When i feel depressed, lonely etc..the washing up gets left to fester, the dust gets a layer of dust and clothes are randomly strewn all over. When am feeling in good headspace the exact opposite is true..clean and organised and tidy and proper. Lately my flats been a bit grim hence my occasional bouts of self-pity in my diary. Life goes on though.. my moods..they change. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year

Another day passes gambling free. Now i have arrived at the end of the day I feel fine but the last few mornings have been hard... ive been feeling tired and quite depressed..lacking motivation to get going. I washed my duvet cover a couple of days ago and now cant be bothered to put it back on...lol.. idleness....depression.

Am not especially doing positive things other than not gambling and going to work. Only i can change this of course.. I musnt let this drag on.. feeling down and miserable aint good for my addiction.

I chooose to be happy! 🙂

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Hasn't been a good day.

Hungover tired and depressed.. thoughts of gambling but haven't gambled... didn't think I drunk that much last night but perhaps i did.

Am starting to lose my resolve and motivation....I cant quite remember why I cant have a little gamble once in a while... perhaps tomorrow i will feel differently. regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year

wow thats almost 4 months wd you hunni i cant live past 6 days at the minute heres to another 4 xxx nn tc michelle

Hello Michelle... yes thanks for your vote of confidence. I am proud of my acheivment... though it has taken quite a number of years to figure out what works and what doesn't... and to start building up longer amd longer periods of not gambling. As with you when i first started to try and stop about 8 years ago I seldom went for more than a week without a bet. despite going regularly to GA. Before I started to try and stop I gambled every day.

I am in much better headspace today.. the gloom and miserableness of the past couple of days has passed... all thoughts of gambling have passed... the pilot light maybe on but its very very feeble today.

I think that one of the things that I am able to do now that I couldn't do before.. is to simply sit with my feelings.. cos crappy feelings they always pass. Yesterday I felt depressed but today I do not.. thats the way it goes I spose. Where once i ran for cover in gambling now i do not.

Today i have done some positive things and they include..sorting out my clothes..some of which have been sitting in a crumpled pile for some time. The shirts are now hanging orderly in the cupboard the jeans folded into a draw..and the socks now have their partners (for the most part anyway). The washing up has also been washed up and not left to fester any longer and the crumbs and grime lurking on the surfaces have been wiped away with an apple smelling surface cleaner... I shoule be on an advert i think lol

Ive also been down the gym..managed 10.32 km's in 1 hour today.. am pleased..

Have also made the effort to pick up the phone and have a chat with a friend, send a few text messages and a few emails.. so all in all a productive and positive day..which all helps to keep the gambling bug at bay.

Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Thanks for that, and maybe I can achieve what you have, you are doing real good,

Best Wishes Bandit