Hope

Mixed day..woke up thinking.. "did I make a t*t of myself last night". Haven't been out drinking since before xmas amazingly enough. However it was the usual story..enjoyed the chat with friend early evening but then later in the evening, standing in some noisy bar/club I found myself just getting depressed.

My whole outlook changes after a few beers. I shouldn't drink at all really. I did my usual disappearing act. I always get to a point where i just want to go home. I get this thing in my head that if I tell anyone I am going they will try to persuade me to stay.. and then proper drunkenness will ensue. Not surprisingly mate was not very happy that i didn't say good bye.

Of course today ive been low in mood and just feeling on edge and anxious.. am stressing about work tomorrow. But best I not think about tomorrow until it comes.

Despite all of the above ive not really had any thoughts of gambling. I try to lift my mood by going down the gym. I absolutely went for it on the tread mill 10.5 km's in 1 hour.. thats not far off my best. Enjoyed the usual sauna and jacuzzi.. now ive just filled my face with massive chinese take away.. nice 🙂

Anyway my ramblings endeth for another day. See what tomorrow brings.. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

thanks for the post mate,

sound's like we had a similar night,i alway's do the same just go home when i have had enough,couldn't last night though as i was visiting friend's........most of the time i do really enjoy a beer,but like ya say just got to be cautious and look why i did it, but hey ho.....I'm still moving forward and dealing with the issues....

sound's like you have had a good day after reading your post i want a chinese now,and happy days i got the money without worrying.

have a great gamble free week mate.

green x

Difficult day today..struggling to cope with the behaviour of others... I feel the stress in my body. I know I cannot change the behaviour of others and nor should i try... but its not easy, its not easy.

The walk home in the snow I enjoyed and no gambling of course..regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

It's tough when we cannot get others to fal into place. It's about excepting the things we cannot change. Sounds easy but the practice part is trickier.

The snow is a wonderful thing!

Regards

Steve E

Ive been to GA this evening.. a good meeting... I have acquired the Steps booklet.. i shall start to work the steps more methodically. I shall get to more meetings as well.

I think this evenings meeting has helped me put a few things into perspective through listening to others therapies. I haven't really been managing my feelings well over the last few days.. getting angry about work related stuff and losing sleep over it.. and yet now i sit here and think.. what the f*** was i getting myself all het up about??

My problem is that work occupies to big a part of my life.. not enough is going on in my personal life.. so I tend to focus on work. I am not quite a workaholic but I tend to find it very hard to switch off from. I get home and think about work.. thats a bit sad really. I am very much in need of time away.. i shall book time off soon. I talk about work far too much in my diary.

Anyway another day passing gambling free.. no urges or thoughts of gambling.. just dipping into other peoples diaries reminds me of that nightmare.. not something I intend to return to.. one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hi sa didnt see you for a few days posting that is ....... miss the regulars from way back...me and bandit are thinking the same tho the peeps that stopped in sept arent posting no more apart from the few steve stevee and u lol .... stop thinking about work u need a woman in ya life chick... did you look into online dating agencies?? lol i bet u didnt hahah girlsdateforfree.com is ok its free for the lasses so has loads registered on it ahhha... im back and this time its for good managed 12 weeks last time for no purpose really apart from xmas but i am now pregnant with my 4th child now.. lol need too stay focused and reading your diary i can do that you seem soo positive all of the time even tho u feel down sometimes tc shell x

Hi Shell,

Thanks for that..your right..am in need of female company.. am stuck in a rut.. life is steady but rather empty..but hey am still alot happier than i use to be when all I did was gamble.

Wow another child eh..good luck.. you must be super mum!! 🙂 I remmber once I baby sat for my sister for the weekend.. my nephew was really little and all he did was cry, the noise just grated on me so bad... i thought I was going to die lol My sister said it never bothered her..is this a women thing I wonder.. genetically programmed to cope with screaming babies lol

Anway Shell you gotta keep away from that gambling..you need all the pennies with number 4 on the way. I shall try to get out of my rut.. and do the dating thing and all that.. think I need to buy a book about how to be exciting lol anyway thats it.. am shattered today.. time for bed.. alone as always 🙁 lol

Am just really struggling in myself today..emotional mess at one point... lost the plot with collegue over something stupid. I can normally contain my emotions in a work environment but sometimes they just bubble to the surface and today was one of those days. It got sorted. Apologies all round..but thats not the point.. i don't like feeling out of control within myself.

I suppose thats part of the problem, part of my problem..wanting to be in control. I always felt in control when standing in front of a machine but in reality of course I was completely out of control. I nearly walked from my job today..but I didn't and i am glad i didn't. I need time and space away from work.

The good thing about all this..is that it did not make me want to gamble. I did not want to gamble or to escape in some other way.. well unless you call coming on here to write about it..escaping. I certainly don't think that to be the case.. I feel myself slowly chilling out just by typing this and thinking and reflecting and wandering.

This is my diary and in telling my diary it helps bring a s**t day to a close. regards to all who read this.. S.A .. no gambling today..so thats worth a smile 🙂

SA.........i always remind myself in those situations that this is a life long program, we arent going to change every aspect of our personalities overnight. Controlling was a big player in my life and extremely hard to change. I lost many a relationship because i was either too controlling as a person or had to be involved in everything.

The main thing as you say is you didnt want to gamble, big plus, and you use this place to vent that frustration.

Im learning a lot from your posts, i see alot of me in there and its heartening and informative how you are dealing with your demons. Well done and thanks

Keith

Thanks Keith... I find a certain wisdom and maturity in what you say to me and in your replies to others. I think about what you say.

Ive had a terrible day. I am on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. I got very angry with my collegue once once.. we then sat in stoney silence for 30 mins and then I burst into tears and cried my eyes out. My collegue who not long before i was busilly hating was now comforting me. My rage melted away in seconds. We talked.. we are collegues that can work with each other once more.

I do not hate my collegue.. there is an underlying issue that i am profoundly affected by. It is the same issue that i used as a reason to gamble last May. It is not something I choose to talk about on here but whilst i thought I had it all under control I evidently havent. I am angry. I want answers I want closure I have neither.

I will not gamble.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

hi s.a,

thanks for your post.....sorry to here you have had a bad day mate....funny enough i have not had a great day at work either.........it sound's like you have things in check now,and i don't know what it's like where you work...but in my opinion your feeling's are better out than in,i often find myself feeling low,or happen to be working with some sarcastic ******...my way of dealing with thing's is generally humour,everyone at work thinks I'm the most outgoing person they have met,but underneath I'm actually very sensitive...and and not afraid to show my emotions...i suppose what I'm trying to say is "you" are "you" and if people don't like it they ain't worth your time and energy anyhow!!!

suppose we have just got to deal with life,work and all that,without our "old" comfort blanket of gambling.....but hey the benifits of that far out way having the hell of gambling on our shoulder's aswell.

all the best s.a....you seem like a nice guy "don't let the b*****d's grind you down"

green x

Hi SA, seems to have been a week full of work stress. I had it too, lost two nights sleep over it, then realised I was making it my problem. As Green says, don't let them grind you down, you're bigger than that.

You have come such a long way, and seem wise beyond your years. But then, you have faced things many never face in a lifetime. I wish you all the very best and trust you will find the happiness and peace of mind you seek, you deserve it, you've worked for it.

Cyber plate ready: spaghetti bolognase, garlic bread, side salad followed by dragon fruit. You are in charge of your destiny, Love Ostrich x

Hi SA

Sorry to hear you had a bad day. As you are aware it possibly says more about you than your work friend. It is sometimes very hard to let things go. Maybe speaking to Netline may give you some comfort. I have many issues that I need to deal with. I can only do this when I feel the time is right. That's why I took a back step from here as I used it to escape from my own thoughts and feelings.

Take care Buddy you are a great tower of strength to me.

Steve E

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Am still on something of an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. Just don't feel very stable in myself. But I have been talking so thats positive. In the past I would have attempted to deal with my problems and emotions on my own..in my own headspace. I could be strong i would tell myself. What I realise in working recovery is that strength comes through talking to others and confronting issues and talking about how i am feeling.

This weekend i have talked with my collegue which has helped alot and also talked with a friend over a coffee which was nice. have also been enjoying the snow and the usual gym, sauna activities that i like to do. managed 12.57 km's in 75minutes.. very pleased with that.

I guess the thing is.. is that certain problems, certain stresses are still current but were i to gamble they would still be there.. I am facing my reality without gambling and shall continue to do so..its just a bit hard at the moment. am just feeling a bit f*****.. it will pass am sure. recovery is not just for christmas as the saying goes..its a life time thing. A day at a time is all I can do. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

thanks SA for your support looks like you have been on a posting frenzie again lol..

keep up the good work tc shell x