Hope

Feeling very low in mood today...but functioning.. been to work..been to shops came home. It doesnt really help that its cold and P****** it down with rain. I just wanna go to bed really and probably will in a bit. Am having slightly panicky feelings that i will never be able to affect any meaningful change in my life.. It scares me sometimes. Am tired of being scared all the time.

No gambling though.. no gambling. day 259 since last gamble. I don't count really.. i know how dangerous that can be.. but cant help but pop on the problemgamblingguides calculator especially when feeling low. am not in good head space. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙁

Am feeling positive at this moment in time. Just wanted to acknowledge that to myself. Remind myself that moods are changing, my moods are constantly changing. Have been feeling really crappy lately and I may feel crappy again tomorrow or even later today..but am coping without using gambling as a comfort blanket. regards to all who read this. S.A 🙂

A fair day. Feel tired but fairly stable in myself. Some positive developments work wise. I shall stick with it one day at a time. Am just aware though that work is too big a part of my life, need to find other stuff to do outside of work... other things to focus on and to look forward to.

Went to GA, a good meeting.. I shall try to go weekly certainly while my moods are a bit all over the place. I know how easy it would be just to step back into the madness that is compulsive gambling. Not much more to say today.. signing off for now... S.A

Hi SA, just been reading your diary, you sure sound a bit stressed out with these mood swings, do you try just to relax, I mean really relax, get a tape and listen to it, maybe it sounds daft but sometimes it does help you, sometimes tiredness is just caused by the stress of everything, and your work does not seem to help. You are doing really well, wish I was in the 200 and somethings but I have decided not to count, take care, and keep strong, Bandit X

Hi bandit.. thank you for your thoughts.. and yes its true I never really switch off completley and relax properly. I use to meditate a bit a while back but have now got out of the routine of doing that. I also enjoy chill out music. as always am just sitting here feeling tired.. another day gambling free though.. thats always good news. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hiay hun... i listen too the radio on a night time while im chilling out in front of the lappy... normally on my own every night until the weekend that is.... kinda boring when you have no one there too keep you company. is there no one at work that takes your fancy or any female friends you could take out just too get out of the flat? im sure theres a secret valentines somewhere????

haha or maybe you will be the one with the red card on saturday hmm.. just a thort

tc shell x

Not really re the female friends Shell..ive moved around so much over the years that ive never really established a circle of friends of either s*x. But then of course ive never really put the effort in, gambling or drinking, but mainly gambling.. always took priority.

I'm kind of very aware nowadays of what a solitary life i lead.. am not quite the loner that i use to be and i do have a few friends but with not gambling and drinking much less frequently... am very in touch with my own solitude.

Solitude.. a much better word I think. Loner implies so much that is negative in my mind. Actually am too hard on myself i think.. i do have friends.. i do socialise a bit.. but as is probably so obvious to anyone that has been following my diary.. I want a partner.. a soul mate... am lonesome being on my own all the time... it feels a bit painful.. my gambling head likes it when i feel that way. Time to get off my a**e and do something about it. Time to stop focussing on work so much.

Anyway another day passes gambling free..on to the next. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Just checking in...like I do. Had a good work out today.. 10 km run and some machine weights. Nothing much else to say really.. pottering around doing what i do..is just nice to feel stable in myself... an ordinary day. No thoughts or urges to gamble... Regards to all who read this..S.A

Personally glad Valentine Days over did some weights myself yesterday, now suffering the stiffness as out of action for a while.

Works keeping me occupied and just ticking along which is ok.

Good to see you on a good level, ordinary is good sometimes. Small steps, keeping it humble, chip chip chip away.

Regards

Keith

Thanks keith.. ordinary is fine.. the every day is fine.. work keeps me occupied and stops my thoughts wandering to other things. Keeping recovery simple is the best way.

Today i worked 9-5 then I came home watched the news and then did the washing up. Then went our for a swim then came home had some tea and started doing some posting on here. I keep my healthy habits and routines going even when they may seem a little mundane, a little boring, a bit monotonous a bit samey. When all is said and done the habits and routines that i have established since i stopped gambling have helped me to stay stopped... I keep doing them.. ordinary is ok.

No thoughts or urges to gamble today.. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Am over tired today. Sitting here typing this when i should be asleep. No gambling today thats what matters

Hi ((((SA)))

Sorry to hear about your sleeping troubles, I find it a nightmare myself. Yes always good not to gamble. I nearly did today and I'm so grateful I didn't. I feel like hugging everyone and I used to be so scared of hugs. Take care SA, wishing you all the best.

Dee x

Not a great deal to say about me today.. though am kinda hoping that the more i just write the more the thoughts may emerge.

Work has settled down.. No whinging and moaning about work today which m,akes a change. I feel ok.. settled.. felt like i did a good job.. feel a healthy self-esteem because of it. I like to help others it helps me.. just gotta make sure that i look after my own interestes too.

Was talking today about holidays. I havent been on holidays for years.. cos of my gambling for a long time.. but now and for a quite a while i have had the money to send myself off somewhere... no excuses really.. collegue said why not spend a week in a 5 star hotel somewhere warm by the sea.. full board, drinks and food included. And I think to myself I just might do it ya know.

As a single person i simply dont go on holiday cos am scared i spose. frightened of the unknown.. I have my habits and routines that dont include gambling.. but at the same time i cling to them.. for some sort of security. doing new things dont come easy to me. holidays are potential big stress and big anxiety just the thought of them lol.. but deep down I know i might just like it. I use to go on holiday years ago.. seem to have lost my confidence. Why does the thought of a holiday get me all stressed out lol

Anyways, no thoughts or urges to gamble.. anothing gamble free day.. always a good thing. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA, you must be hungry, didn't send cyber food last week, bit proccupied with latest drama in Planet Ostrich. Sorry about that. Got cheekiest 5 year old grandaughter over tomorrow till Sunday, lots of goodies in the fridge. Better be quick before little one gets there!

Really pleased you are feeling settled and that work is ok. Long may it continue.

Off to my own diary to have a ramble. Take care, Love Ostrich x

Hi Ostrich.. good to hear from you.. cyber plate ready as always.. 🙂

Another gambling free day dawns. Am just checking in really. Am not especially inspired to write anything but just want to acknowledge my gambling free time. I am approching 9 months and not so much as a lottery ticket in that time. For that i am pleased and proud of myself.

The hard work a day at a time has to continue though. I wasn't going to write in here today but I know if I stop this habit, a habit which helps not to gamble then I will loose a tool from my how not to gamble tool box.

The thing is I want to be one of the dozen or so people who pop in once in a blue moon just to say "all is great.. life is wonderful without gambling" and yet for me, I know that I am treading water really and to disappear for long stretches is prob not in my best interests.

My recovery is fine.. am not struggling here today with wanting to gamble but I know that the thoughts or full blown urges could emerge at any point at any time. Must keep on my guard. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂