Hope

Another gambling free day. Must say that last night I had a slightly tough time of it.. things on my mind.. was feeling angry and unsettled. I had thoughts that... would it really matter if i took myself off somewhere for a few hours of gambling escapism???? Would it really matter that much, to put my problems and issues and feelings on hold for a bit??? ... hey i might have won some money!!!

I didn't gamble.. but for the first time in quite a while instead of the gambling monster being some way off over the horizon.. it was in view.. it was like a very short bus ride. I could feel myself getting quite excited at the anticipation of a gamble.

Something kicked in though I realised I had not spoken to anyone for 24 hours, I was allowing my thoughts to swim around my head unchecked and unchallenged. I picked up the phone.

Today has been a steadilly improving day. I have made efforts to chat and have also been writing and doing a bit of cleaning and have been down the gym for a good workout. I feel more on a level now. Thoughts of gambling have once more receded over the horizon.

I need to keep on my guard though. The memories of the consequences of my gambling are someway in the past.. sometimes I find it hard to recall them. Sometimes I can't quite remember why i cant have a gamble anymore? My resolve NOT to gamble anymore is not as strong as it use to be. Perhaps I am becoming complacent. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

A good reminder to everyone that has a little time under their belt. It is easy to forget the pain that our gambling leaves behind. I try to remember every day. I do not want any more misery thank you. Stay on my guard.

Regards

Steve E

Hi ya, for me at the moment gambling is not on my mind because of so many other things, i have gamcare as my home page so i never forget just like stevey said, perhaps you need a congratulations, well here it is... CONGRATULATIONS, when i, first came on here you were one of the first people to offer suport and you should feel prowd that you give suport to people, i hope you stay gamble free for as long as possible and you keep yourself busy. 🙂

I know im a bit of a bad comunicator but that is somthing im trying hard to work on, but i hope you feel a little better in yourself and realise that your doing so well man.

Struggling today.. certain thoughts have triggered anger within me.. the same thoughts the same feelings. I feel like a psychologically f***** up person. The same issues, the same s**t that led me to this forum in the first are still there swimming around, unresolved, not sorted.. am unable to switch off from work.. its killing me. Am not gambling though.. S.A

274 days since i last gambled.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Sorry to hear of your struggles SA.

Hopefully the intensity of the emotions will die down soon for you and you maybe able to shed a bit more light on them, put them in perspective.

Just for today you did not gamble. Well done, it can be too easy for us cg's to hide behind our modes of escapism, but I admire your constant courage.

Take good care SA

Dee x

Thanks Dee.. I hear your thoughts and they help.

Am back on an even keel. Been to GA this evening got some stuff out my system and feel better for it. I have written some emails over the last day or two that I now regret.. but the absurdities and blunders of yesterday have now passed. I can do nothing about it.. so there is no point in wasting energy dwelling on it. Today has been a good day because I have not gambled. I take my life one day at a time.. that is all i can do. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA

Thanks for your words on my post. Progress is spot on. Perfection is a killer for me. I am working my recovery to the best of my abilty and need to keep at it to maintain a reasonable healthy life. I can no longer fixate on the not gambling although sometimes I have to remember where I've been. Hope you are moving along fine after recent events. You have a good *** of what this is all about and appear to be doing so well.

Regards

Steve E

Thanks steve.. and yes ive returned to a more settled head space after a difficult few days. Am off work today.. am in thinking mood.. trying to do a bit of work on "Myself"

Something I am trying to work on is taking ownership of myself and my thoughts.. again its progress not perfection. As am sure others can relate to, sometimes i read things or others behave in certain ways and my instictive reaction is to "Pass judgement" by going... Your this and You that and Why this and Why that and We this and We that... rather than pause to think and then if I want to... say things like.. I think, I feel, I disagree, My opinion is.... Of course this is how rows break out on the forum I think.. its not so much what someone says..its how they say it.

What I think one of my issues has been over the years... has been when people say to me.. You this.. and You that.. and ive had the tendency to accept what they have said about me and internalise it as if its a fact.. when of course its not..its just another persons opinion.

Ive always been quite a sensitive person and looking back I realise that others have exploited that fact.. to either get me to do something for them or just because they can.. for what ever reason. Even in writing this I can feel myself having an emotional reaction..

I find I get angry with myself when I think about times when others have actively manipulated me to get what they want.. and I have allowed them to succeed because I have been to passive in asserting my own thoughts.

However in trying to look at my own behaviours whilst I do not think that I actively manipulate anyone to do anything.. I do have a tendency to moan about others behind there backs and am not immune to moody silences.. which in its own way is passive- agressive... and trying to change others in a sneeky way. Again its in times of stress when I am most likely to revert to these sorts of behaviours and not realising or appreciate there true impact.

Again its so easy to see these sorts of behaviours in others and want to tell them and want them to change.. but I am sitting here now in a fairly chilled out head space.. and i realise that i will only change when I am ready and open to it.. and that is the same for others. I cannot change other people all i can change is how I react to them. I will keep trying to reflect on me and my beahviours. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Am full of melancholly today. Met up with someone that i haven't seen for a long time. We talked about things from many months ago.. brought up old memories and feelings. Sometimes i get confused about what is truth and what is lies.. who is being dishonest and who speaks the truth. I guess at times like this i can understand what it may feel like to be a partner of a compulsive gambler.

Perhaps i am speaking in riddles a little this evening, there are certain things that i choose not to talk about on a public forum.. but merely try to hint about the unhappiness I feel because of them. Today I feel depressed.. going through the motions of day to day life.. but everything feels like a bit of a haze. I don't think i was born with the happy gene if there is such a thing...No desire to gamble though.. S.A

Well another day dawns gambling free.. it could have been so different though. I teased the disease last night. Sitting blankly looking at the computer screen late last night I downloaded a gambling site, had a quick look at it and was half-way through the registration process before something kicked in and I logged off and shut down my computer.

I new exactly what brought this on.. it was meeting up with the person that I met up with yesterday.. it brought alot of emotions and on-going events to the fore front of my mind. It certianly demonstrates to me that my gambling is a response to my emotions. Thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions.

Now of course if i was someone else reading this, my immediate response would be to say...download blocking software ASAP. I know I need to.. amd perfectly well aware that whilst i have never gambled online.. I know that this addiction does not care where it gets its fix. But have I done it.. nope! Feel a bit of a fraud really.. suggesting to others that they do it and then not doing it myself.

There is a struggle going on in my thoughts.. my gambling head wants to leave a window open.. leave an oppurtunity to gamble. My gambling head says that you don't have a credit card or a debit card so you can't get into debt or empty your bank account... so whats the harm?? However I do have a pre-payment card and i could use that to gamble with.. just a question of loading some money on to it.

On a positive note, my gambling head does not like me wrting this. It wants me to delete it. It wants me to write that everything is fine and wonderful and am not having any thoughts or urges to gamble. That is not true though.. cos i am.. not at this moment in time.. but generally on a day to day basis am struggling at the moment. The warning signs are screaming out to me.

My next post will say that i have installed blocking software. I will talk about what i have just written at my next GA meeting. I will continue to do the positive things that fill my time and help me keep away from that first bet. Regards to all who read this... S.A

All I have to do is click "send" now.

Hey.. its really helping to write this stuff down.. I feel stronger for doing it. In the past you would not have been reading this cos I would simply have gone and gambled when the urge struck.. and then returned (or not!) with my tail between my legs.. with tails of lost money and personal misery.

This is recovery in action.. it almost brings a tear to my eye.. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

SA, Well done! That took real strength of character and courage. You have come a long way.You know yourself so well, recognised the triggers and delt with it. You have lifted my day. 🙂 Hang in there SA, cyber food on its way over the weekend. Love Ostrich x

Thanks Ostrich!

Have just installed betfilter.com

Feeling safe.

Feeling very proud of myself!

Hello SA.

How far you have come since writing here. You are & have learnt so much about yourself. That knowledge gives you strength. It is powerful to read, so thank you for allowing us to share some of your thoughts. Your thoughts know doubt echo others on here, there is so much to learn about ourselves.

Take care

Jackie... By the way so glad you have installed a blocker. After all if you no longer wish to travel that path, there is absolutely no point wedging the door ajar! 😉 x