Hope

Hi SA, just been reading your post, how easy it is to nearly blow all the hard work that you have done, well done for only getting half way through the reg and for now blocking, thats good.

Keep positive, just transport yourself in time in your mind and think how you would have felt if you had registered and lost money, which I am sure you would have done even if you had won to start with, if you are like me you just tell yourself its your lucky day and you will keep winning, but the reality is so different,

Well done, Bandit x

hi s.a

and so you should feel proud of yourself,we need people to tell us this sometimes,but of course nobody is goin to tell me err..very proud of you not gambling.but im proud that i havent wasted a single penny in a full month,so that does for me.i also havent downloaded any gambling software,why i ask myself???ive done all the free month trail ones,the betfilter you have i have had,even tried to e cheeky and get another free month when it expired..durhhh!!!but in the last month my computer as been free of any blocking software,and havent even been tempted.of course would be a whole lot easier,but i think the real reason is i dont wana hand over £30 or so for it,although id gamble 10x that amount and not give it a second thought.crazy really i should just get thet job done eh.im also not self excluded from any bookies,yet havent stepped foot in one since december.walked past loads,stood outside one for 20minutes waiting for a bus with wads of cash in my pocket.for me its all about willpower and my own determination in not placing a bet again.of course barriers in the way help and would very stongly advise it(contradicting myself a little)but for me.....i dont WANT to gamble therefor the battles in my mind arent as fierce as they would be before,WHEN i would sell my granny to gamble.sorry to ramble on your dairy,i just write down what im thinking.keep up the great work.

neil.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts... rest assured I shall be dropping into your diaries sometime soon.

On the face of it I have done some positive things today. Have finally got around to painting the kitchen ceiling which had started to develope some interesting black patches. Ive also been to the gym and run 10 km's.

However am feeling really low and miserable. I ment to pick up the phone and speak to someone but didn't.. I ended up lying in the bath for 2 hours staring blankly at the ceiling. I continue to be generally in a bad place. The old mantra of one day at a time feels like its wearing a bit thin at the moment. No doubt I will return to positive thinking soon. I want to make changes in my life but am doing very little about it.

Anyway no gambling today.. day 278 according to the problemgamblingguide.. I just need to sleep I think.. on to the next day.. my blocker is doing its job.. S.A

(((((((SA)))))))

I remember when I stated on my diary something similar to your statement. Basically feeling that this 'one day at a time' was a brainwash judgement. And you said to me that ya it may feel like a 'cliche', but SA you know how well it can work. Just live for today. I have recently adapted that attitude and I love life. My bf, although long distant, commented on how he felt my happiness, even if it was only a phonecall. Imagine our lives when we gambled S.A. turmoil, distraught, lies, the list is neverending....

All the best SA

Love dee xxxxxx

Hi Dee,

Yup.. your spot on... thanks for helping me to keep focussed. Today am very much back to working my recovery one day at a time.

Its felt like a day to keep busy and keep busy i have.. met a friend for coffee.. that helped to get my thoughts out.. stopped them simply swimming around my head space with nowhere to go.

Then I finished the bit of decorating i started in the kitchen, cleaned and tidied up and then took about 50 empty jars of coffee up to the recycling place.. lol.. can't believe how much coffee ive drunk since ive been in my flat. The thing is the recycling lorry comes once a fortnight but am never organised enough to put the jars out on the relevant day.. slug like tendencies lol

Practical tasks do help me in recovery. Its nice to see the results of ones efforts.

Part of me wants to talk about other things.. but am in a positive head space at this moment in time.. so I will leave it i think. Am not going to feel sorry for myself today.. whatever tomorrow brings is whatever tomorrow brings. Today i choose to be happy. Reagrds to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA, I take my hat off to you, there you are, hanging on by your fingertips, yet still manage to keep going gamble free.

Thanks for your post , I'm feeling a bit like Bodecia at the moment, not the great stupid Ostrich of six months ago. Thank you for supporting me when I needed it most, it was the worst time of my life, ever.

Wish I could say something to ease your recent emotional turmoil. Stay strong, you can do this.

My little dog said to tell you I should keep the day job and Not bathe her or clip her, I'm lethal with dog clippers and expect her to stand still and not fidggit. And the shampoo is anti flea. Still fancy a bath?

Take care love Ostrich x

Hi Ostrich,

Yes, maybe I will give the clip and shanpoo a miss. lol

Ive been thinking about what you said about "hanging on by my finger tips". I guess when i was sitting here the other night looking at a gambling site.. that was indeed tempting fate.. but at the same time I do have some natural barriers in place.. no debit or credit card.. and only had about £12 on my pre-payment card. So I say to my self was i actually going to follow through and gamble that small amount of money.. well possibly.. my addiction doersn't really care... but at the same time highly unlikely.

I find with me, in practice there is always a small element of forward planning if I have trully made the decision to gamble.. eg picking a day to potentially skulk off.. or in this case it would have been making plans to load up my card up with money.. it is also likely that i would have stopped posting on here for a period of time before the deed actually happened.

The thing is... the fact that I have been saying what i have been saying over recent days and posting more as well is perhaps a sign of strength rather than potentially surrendering to my addiction. Perhaps I am deluding myself but if I really wanted to gamble I wouldn't talk about it, I wouldn't write about wanting to do it... i'd just go and do it!!

I find I have been under high levels of emotional stress since the day I joined this forum last May.. but i am coping albeit it a slightly haphazrd manner. But as I say to others and others say to me... its progress not perfection. In fact I am well proud of myself.. still working my recovery one day at a time many months down the road.. and its still working for me! 🙂

Ive been down the gym this evening 10.05 km's in 1 hour.. absolutely shattered at the end of it lol Ive been treating myself to these expenisive, luxury fruit cake things.. scrummy 🙂

No thoughts of gambling today... regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Just back from GA.. a good meeting.. as indeed they usually are. I always feel that I want to write after a meeting.. a demonstration of the fact that they are doing their job i think.

It helps me to listen to new members therapies especially when, as in tonight, there gambling style and personality is so similar to mine. Am reminded that there is a world of difference between needing to stop and wanting to stop. And there is a world of difference between recognising a problem and recognising a problem and wanting to do something about it.

The new member was pre-dominately a machine gambler like me. I could see the extent to which he had become fixated by the machines ( just like i was ) and how while he could see that his machine gambling was creating growing problems in his life.. the commitment to not gamble anymore wasn't really there. I was like that for years.. such was my compulsion and fixation with the machines.

I am reminded of the progress i have made.. not simply in terms of gambling free time but also in freeing myself from and finding ways to cope with my life and my reality.. without taking the edge off with gambling. But I must not become complacent.. its one day at a time for me and always will be.

regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Isn't that just the best medicine in the world to remind us where we're at in our lives. These moments do come along and it is a good inner feeling to know we have gone past that stage. As I always say some days are better than others but without gambling we have a good chance.

Take care

Steve E

Hi Steve,

I hear you.. but for me its still an on-going, daily commitment within myself that I do not want to gamble anymore. The desire not to gamble anymore is the pre-requisite to everything else. My resolve is strong today.

For me its a question of using my self-awareness and continuing to deal with my thoughts and feelings so as not to get to a position where gambling becomes an option. For me gambling addiction is a response to my emotional state. As you say some days are easier than others. Some days it feels like hard work and other days it doesn't. Today is Ok I feel stable in myself.

No urges or thoughts of gambling..Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A.

I can relate so much to your last post. It makes so much sense to me. Your diary is such an asset to newcomers and other compulsive gamblers at different stages in their recovery.

Keep up the great work S.A

aLL the best

Dee

Thanks Dee 🙂

Mostly my diary is a great asset to me, as it should be.. this maybe a bit sad but sometimes i find myself looking forward to getting home..so that i can write in my diary. I suppose that suggests a level of dependance.. but far better to come here and write than to go and feed some machine somewhere. This is one of the tools that i use to keep myself safe from myself and my addiction.

I think in an ideal world i would be one of these people who pops in every now and again to say... "havent gambling, all is well" .. but thats not the case for me. i need my support here.. and need to be able to offload here.. it works so why stop??

Today has been a good day. Dealt with some problems this morning.. in the past i would have brushed them under the carpet.. and what may have been small problems would have morphed into big problems.. i'd of then used the problems as an excuse to gamble.. not anymore!

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

I read in another post you downloaded software to stop online gambling. How easy was that? Recovery is very easy once you get it. As gamblers by nature we diced with death. In recovery some still do. YOU DONT. You have a great attitude towards recovery and appear to know your limitations. Keep doing it matey it's great to read your progress and maintenance reports.

Take care

Steve E

Hi SA, Love to read your diary, maintenace reports as Stevey calls them. It works well for you, so you do whats right for you.

Just had a late breakfast, toasted muffins, ham and fried egg with piccallilli. Yummy! I'm lucky that I can eat almost anything I like and still remain fairly slim. Just as well I love food.

Hope you have a good weekend, take care, you are in charge of your destiny, love Ostrich x

Thanks Steve and Ostrich,

Maintenance reports... I like it 🙂 Thats exactly what they are really.

All is well this morning.. slept well last night.. feeling very alive today. Feel like its going to be a productive day.. getting things done.

Talking of getting things done the.. the free period on my betfilter ran out and I have now purchased a 1 year license.. so I continue to be safe. Must admit though for a moment my gambling head said.. "What on earth are you doing that for???.. you won't be able to gamble on impulse if youve had a s**t day?? .. or a good day for that matter!

It cost £35.. but thanks to NOT gambling it was not a problem in coming up with the money. The thing is I am learning that I don't need to gamble to get money. I have more money now (by not gambling) than i have ever had in the past. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂