Hope

Thanks Freda.

Am feeling sad today. I should be running the Great south run but because of my gambling I could neither afford the entry nor the means to get there. My sisters partner is doing it. I will give him a call and tell him to carry the flag.

Ive gambled once since last entry. Friday the 13th was a very bad day but its in the past now... life goes on.

Thanks for listening

Sending you a hug S.A. Why do we do it??? We've got to stop. All we do is deprive ourselves from the good things in life.
I was asked to go for a few days away with a friend during half term week. If I hadn't have gambled 3 weeks ago I could have done it. Now I'll be stuck at home. What for? 3 hours of being sat glued to my phone and a couple of minutes of excitement.
Lessons have to be learnt.
Hopefully you can aim for the future. Next time you will be on that run and it will mean so much more to you.
Onward and upward x

Yes... I hear you 🙂

I can't do this on my own. People have been telling me this for 20 years.

Left to my own devices and my own thoughts.... it always ends in gambling.

Left to my own devices I become unwell. I have a mental illness.

I can arrest it, one day at a time with support.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Good to see you're hanging in there. I don't know what else to say. It's hard to progress when you're worn down. I feel you on that one!

f x

Thanks Freda... am not hanging in there really. Sunday turned into another horrific day of self-abuse... which ended in me taking out a loan with extortionate interest ( I can no longer get mainstream credit). A loan which i had to take otherwise i'd have no money to live, for food etc until mid november. I went into a state of shock and rang work to say that i'd got blown off my bike and sorry i couldn't come in. The person I spoke to was concerned of course but in reality it was all because of gambling addiction.

Ive certainly reached financial rock bottom but have I reached addiction rock bottom???.... 2017 certainly ranks in the top worst 3 years of my life....

Strangly today i feel quite sanguine.. even quite hopeful about the future.... the only way is up.... deep breaths... positive thoughts.... keep talking...

Thanks for listening

Still have faith in you, buddy!

Sending love and acceptance of you exactly as you are, exactly where you're at.

f x

Ah bless ya freda... thanks...

Ive just gone through an intense period of work. It started with a two day assessed meds training course and then an eartly shift and then an all day shift yesterday... (7 a.m till 10 P.m)... in reality it meant that i got up at 4.45 a.m and got home at 11 P.m... I was soo f****d by the end of that and still am this morning. I did manage to say NO to a shift this morning....

I want to stop all this working stupid hours (becoming so tired and fatigued) and then gambling all my money away...repeat repeat repeat... the daft fool that I am...

I have long periods of not gambling towards the start of this diary... where did it all go so wrong??

Thanks for listening.

Well for the last two weeks ive just been working and gambling. Its as simple as that. Ive buried my head in the sand not wanting to face my reality, not wanting to face my problems. This morning ive snapped out of it and am ready to start again.... I could gamble the last few pounds in my bank account so that the direct debit for this internet connection bounces, but am not gonna do that....

I do find it somewhat humiliating that after nearly ten years on this site am still going through the same old self-destructive problem gambling cycle. Ultimately it could end in suicide but I don't want that.

Talking of death I might well have saved someones life the other day. A chap with multiple sclerosis, bed bound he became unwell with a virus. He pressed his alarm button as he had been sick. I helped him with his personal care etc and then I left. But then I sensed the need to go back just to double check and there he was having a seizure in bed unable to do anything, not even press his alarm button. I dialed 999 and rolled him on to his side so he didn't choke on his own vommit. He survived, he's now in intensive care. The point being that if I hadn't of gone back he probably would have died as his next call was two hours away.

I don't know about others but sometimes I do get a sense that certain events happen deliberately. This might sound bizarre but on several occasions when ive been on my way to gamble ive bumped into a friend or someone i know as if out of thin air... they just appear. Its as if a guardian angel has sent this person to warn me of or guide me away from the self-destructive behaviour am about to indulge in. It happened yesterday. I walked into the bookies closely followed by someone I know. He's also a compulsive gambler but is working recovery. I was at the machine and we chatted a bit. he soon left cos he could see I was destracted. I had already gone into my gambling bubble. Unless he was prepared to drag me out kicking and screaming it was pointless him being there. It was an oppurtunity mind... my higher power giving me another oppotunity to walk away....

I know it might sound rediculous me saying this after all these years.... but i really don't want to gamble. After I had done my money I went to the counter and pointed out the fact that i was excluded. They will look out for me next time.... there won't be a next time!!

Thanks for listening

That's my man! Never give up on giving up SA.

I found myself in the same cycle but finding that self care/ kindness has taken me to another more peaceful level within just recently.

I reached out and that boosted my recovery journey 100%.
Do the same SA...youre not alone

S x

Keep posting SA..

XX

I agree with you about the signs all around us. You don't sound crazy at all. Just awakening.

I hope it felt meaningful for you, that you were able to save that man's life. Look at how powerful your intuition is. You have a real gift. You're needed here.

Love,

f x

How are things with you SA ?

XX

Still here and listening!

Hugs coming your way! (((((SA))))))

Be kind to yourself and take it very slow and easy..baby steps remember ☺

Take care and stay safe

Xx

Hi SA,

I wanted to just say that I can relate to your feelings. When you say you feel embarrassed to still be struggling with gambling. Well, I feel embarrassed to still struggle with depression and still not support myself financially. It's hard. I wonder why other people seem to overcome it and cope with life. Then I remember - hey! I've overcome other things. The more things you struggle with, the harder it is to stay well.

I've more or less managed to keep gambling at bay but I don't manage to hold down a job. You hold down a job but still struggle with addiction at times. Many people who appear to be happy and coping on the surface abuse their partners behind closed doors, or are alcoholics.

I think what I'm trying to say is - todays world is a challenging one. Challenging for everyone. Including those without any addictions or emotional difficulties.

You have shown amazing strength and resilience. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

I believe in you.

f x

Thanks all.

I am at rock bottom... Just feeling numb... nothing to say