Hope

I have to go to work now.

I have to function.

I have to smile and be pleasant

But inside am dying... so full of regret and self-loathing and worry as to how i will survive...

Deep breaths...

Oh SA SA.... 🙁

& what can we say/ do for you to understand the devastating consequences this addiction can give.

I've been where you are also. Thats why there will be no harsh words whatsoever from me....And no, it's not easy to get away from this. 2 months down and I still see the effects my poor choices gave me...but gambling is not a solution and you know that dear friend. Gambling is a spade for that hole. You're in charge of digging it.

I did say before, I cannot do it for you.. I can, however be by your side, support, advice, listen... but ultimately you have to do the job needed doing.

Seek help! It's out there, Take it.

Things can get better if you let them to be.

*(((((SA)))))) xx

You know where I am..

Thank goodness you are safe.

Just keep swimming, SA

f x

So sorry you're having a rough time S A, big hugs S:)

Such dark thoughts... so full of anxiety... so angry with self... so depressed... am like the walking dead. Yet I continue to function even put on a cheery smile. But do I really want to die?.. is that my destiny. Its almost like the devil inside, willing myself... to end it... once and for all.

12 hours gamble free... my dark thoughts will pass with time... they will pass

Sa
Fella not too long ago I wore those shoes, I was asked this question by the crisis team in the mental health unit, 'do you want to die or do you want to be dead?'
I believe today that I believe that the question held great context because yes I believed I did want to die, I could see no reason to carry on,the pain mentally was unbearable, in truth I was completely broken, yes without doubt had that train been running I wouldn't be here today,but it wasn't and I was left to live, the crisis team asked why didn't I find a tall building or take an overdose?? My reply was simple to me, no other route to take my own life was set in stone, I had a very rational approach to my thinking,I didn't want there to be any chance of survival, it was a definite all or nothing decision.
I was at that point in my mind broken beyond repair,I didn't believe that I could get help because I was so helpless.
The truth is my dear friend that there's a wealth of help,there are folk who will listen and support you both professionally and here with decent like minded people who unconditionally care.
You can get through this,I will be by your side.
Find your way to accepting the help.
Why??
Because you are worthy of it.
You have been a fully paid up deserving member of life your entire time here, your honesty is plain to see.
As I wrote this week,the doors to recovery revolve,it doesn't matter how many times you walk through them it will always be there with great opportunity awaiting.
Use this diary fella, many folk deeply care.
Seek professional help, there's no shame in the way you feel.
You are not alone.
I believe that I understand where you and I wish to stand side by side with you.
Keep on keeping on my friend.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs.

Good morning SA,

First of all, may I apologise for the loss of around 50 posts on your diary a while ago. This was due to the fact that I asked to be removed from GC. I won't go into any details as to why I asked to be removed as this is all in the past.

Secondly, I had the urge to log back in so that I can comment on your diary. Although I have been away from GC for a while, this has not stopped me from keeping track on my old virtual friends' diaries.

Duncs has said everything that I would have said and the only thing that I would say is to remember what life was like for you a few years ago. Yes, you had a challenging job just like a lot of us on here. But you were in the middle of a 1000+ days gamble-free run and your running times made a lot of us on here very jealous.

Why not have a read of your whole diary and see where the real positives of your life lie? Those days CAN be resurfaced. Yes, those running times may be of a distant memory - they are in my case - but getting out there on a run whilst brushing off those cobwebs will really help you. You don't have to shell out to enter any running events just yet, parkruns or local runs are free.

As I will be mentioning in my diary, this is a very brief visit from me for personal reasons. I just wanted to stop by and say that you remain in my thoughts and I would urge you to stay very strong for yourself. You ARE better than 'them'!

NT

Yes Duncs your description of the wanting to die scenario is much the same as to how I was feeling yesterday. I say yesterday, because today is a new day and today i don't feel that way... am off the very bottom of rock bottom and I don't want to die. I don't want to squander the last few precious pounds in my bank account, because I want to eat food and in our world you need money to buy food.

Its time to shift my thinking... Ive spent a life time being "everything to everybody else" but "nothing to myself". No more self abuse. No more running away from myself, cos thats all it is isn't it??... gambling as a means to switch off from life.

The confusing part is that ive known this for decades, ive felt it... and yet ive never found the courage to face my reality and do something about it. Its a shame but it is what it is. Talking of reality...

I am drinking my last cup of tea... with my last tea bag... coffee ran out several days ago. I have a last dribble of milk and a few slices of bread. The food shopping I planned to do yesterday never happened. I have oats and pasta and rice but nothing to go with them. I will get through somehow, make do, survive... but its no way to live. No self care here..... I want to change.

Work today through the agency. Which means a few quid next friday. The begining of a very long journey back to financial and psychological health.... I can do it, slow but sure...

Today i will not gamble.

One final thing... I have a box of citalopram. I will start eating them again and go to the docs to get some more... I have memories of them helping before, so they can help again. This time I won't stop taking them when if i start feeling better.

Thanks for listening.

Well, here I am again... gamble free since last post. Woke up feeling really stressed and worried about the future. I know that I should just stay in the here and now, cos the future hasn't happened yet and it might not be as bad as I predict... but its just hard thats all.

Work is a struggle. Its a struggle to be social with colleagues and clients when all I want to do is sit quietly away from others in a calming room. Its a struggle to cope with demands placed upon me... its really hard.

I have taken another citralopam.

Today I have no urge or desire to gamble, which translates as "am not feeling suicidal". I am doing a late shift.. I will take no money with me

Thanks for listening

Nice & easy SA...foot in front of another.

You're in my thoughts, keep being kind to you!

S&B xx

Proud of you. Always have been. Always will.

f x

Thanks. No gambling since last post. Feeling focussed on recovery. Won't take any money out with me. Have taken my citralopam.

Potentially a difficult day ahead, administering other people's med's amongst other stuff. Got to stay focussed and concentrate.

Life can get better.

Thanks for listening

Are you going to maybe head to a GA meeting?

i REMEMBER oops, you saying they were helpful in the past. Hope the pills start kicking in soon 🙂

f x

How are you? Xx