Hope

S.A.

Just a quick note to let you know that you are in my thoughts and that I wish you well.

Tomso.

I appreciate your thoughts folks, but as you notice I post less and less as time passes.

The truth being there has been no meaningful recovery from me for the last 2 years and more... ever since I started gambling online. I don't now gamble online because my computer is blocked but the bookies has been a constant over the last 6 months even though I am banned from all the bookies I gamble in. Ive never been challenged cos i am just the quiet bloke on the machine in the corner.

My motivation to STAY stopped has all but gone. I stop when am so deep in the s**t that am not able to feed myself or i become so depressed that am unable to get out of bed and go to the bookies in the first place. In the last 6 months I have been in full relapse and at times all hope lost. But the strange thing about this addiction is that I soon forget the days when I just want to die or have fantasys of stabbing myself... as soon as I have money again the urge to gamble soon returns.

In the weeks running up to christmas I became really very unwell as is so often the case when I make plans to visit my family. Without the help of unscrupulous pay day lenders I would not have gone or been able to buy exmas presents. But stranely as it turned out I had a nice christmas. It was good to get away and good to see my family and live normally for a few days. No questions about my addiction, no condemnation or dissappointed looks, just food and chat and walks and togetherness. It surprised me to be honest. I build things up in my head and expect certain reactions but no it was all good. The only thing my mum said at the end as she walked with me to the coach station was "keep well". I said I would try. Nobody gave me any money... after all these years, "they get it"... money aint gonna help me recover...

So thats where am at. Scratching my head about how to financially get by but mental heath better than it was. No pronoucements about never gambling again it just puts pressure on me. Life goes on....

Thanks for listening

Good to see update from you.
Fighting spirit will take you far, never underestimate it.

Do not give into demons, you have so much potential for this world.

Little steps forward...tipu tapu.

Stay safe that's all I'm asking

S&B xx

S.A wrote:

I appreciate your thoughts folks, but as you notice I post less and less as time passes.

The truth being there has been no meaningful recovery from me for the last 2 years and more... ever since I started gambling online. I don't now gamble online because my computer is blocked but the bookies has been a constant over the last 6 months even though I am banned from all the bookies I gamble in. Ive never been challenged cos i am just the quiet bloke on the machine in the corner.

My motivation to STAY stopped has all but gone. I stop when am so deep in the s**t that am not able to feed myself or i become so depressed that am unable to get out of bed and go to the bookies in the first place. In the last 6 months I have been in full relapse and at times all hope lost. But the strange thing about this addiction is that I soon forget the days when I just want to die or have fantasys of stabbing myself... as soon as I have money again the urge to gamble soon returns.

In the weeks running up to christmas I became really very unwell as is so often the case when I make plans to visit my family. Without the help of unscrupulous pay day lenders I would not have gone or been able to buy exmas presents. But stranely as it turned out I had a nice christmas. It was good to get away and good to see my family and live normally for a few days. No questions about my addiction, no condemnation or dissappointed looks, just food and chat and walks and togetherness. It surprised me to be honest. I build things up in my head and expect certain reactions but no it was all good. The only thing my mum said at the end as she walked with me to the coach station was "keep well". I said I would try. Nobody gave me any money... after all these years, "they get it"... money aint gonna help me recover...

So thats where am at. Scratching my head about how to financially get by but mental heath better than it was. No pronoucements about never gambling again it just puts pressure on me. Life goes on....

Thanks for listening

Ain't that the truth, in the same boat unfortunately just happy with not gambling today no expectations of tomorrow.

well ive just spent the last hour sitting in the bath wanting to die. New depths of despair. A place beyond tears.

Thanks for listening

Am going to work.

The urge to go back to bed is so strong... but that would be like throwing the towel in at life.

Life goes on.

Hai SA,

Agreed, go to work. But, hai even if it’s random mix with people and even if it’s random sh....it’s, just talk.

Your a lonely man SA, I get that. Your in the bottom tread of your cycle at this moment, I think deep down that you know that, but this cycle will revolve but as hard it may seem, now is the time of the cycle to push yourself by external support. You need to do the opposite of your thinks, you know that. To tread water, even if it’s irrelevant but use this forum as a catharsis to download your thoughts, something to focus on rather than the bottom of the rollercoaster of emotions....

Find your values SA and work towards them. There is help there that will support that, and you know that so don’t let anything hold you back

Wise words Volcano... thankyou

So glad i went to work. It was pouring with rain and I was cycling in the dark with no lights... but somehow I felt invigorated and found myself growing in motivation and resolve to finally STOP my cursed addiction once and for all. Something has finally clicked inside. I probably gamble because I get bored and lonely ( but sometimes I don't fully appreciate this) and then when ive blown all my money the loneliness just takes on a whole new level. is that all there is to it I wonder?? Work lifted my spirits partly because its social. Work colleagues genuinly think that am happy all the time because thats the persona I portray to the world. They would be shocked to hear how i was feeling at 4 a.m this morning.

I feel motivated to start taking my life back. I don't want to be ruled by slot machines untill the day i die.

Thanks for listening

Take your life back S.A. I'm always in your corner. xxx

Yes taking life back.

A positve day today. Feeling chirpy

No gambling

Thanks SA

Yeah..taking life back...

Keep on keeping on. U can do it

Xx

Great title and post, go for it....you deserve it S:)

🙂

Keep the hope going XXX hope you have had a good day today. I understand the zombie like state it can get and the persona you show the world. Mirrors my life at the moment. Hope is a good sentiment xxx

SA
Fella I lived that life, walked in those shoes,wanted to die, felt the looming feeling that the life I lived was how it was for me.
Living to extreme despair that gambling addiction will take you and yet still give your all to it.
As a much wiser fellow than me said
To repeat the same action over and over and expect the outcome to change is without doubt the definition of insanity.
My dear friend I hope that cold wet ride in the dark was your defining moment when in fact you did see the light.
For it start at your beginning and never mention a word of your loss.
For there's better things to come.
It's true,profoundly true to me that we are strangely able to convince the world around us that life is all rosy in our garden in times of utter internal despair.you turned a page yesterday fella,time for you to enjoy the freedom abstinence offers.
Yes there will still be hard,intolerable days but not ones self created by addiction that will take all you have and some.
Your thread has told a true tale of that warts and all,I hope you continue to write what life offers on the other side.
I salute you.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs.