Hope

Thanks and morning all 🙂

Another day. Fatigue and tiredness starting to catch up with me. Urges to gamble yesterday evening with the tiny amount of money I have available. I went to bed instead. Bed is like heaven. Its warm under two duvets. I have of course no heating on. Storage radiators way to expensive. The irony being that i'd put £100's into a machine rather than have a warm flat.

Am also desparate for a haircut. I have a wild hedge on my head but I keep putting a visit to the hairdresser on hold cos I may need that final few pounds for an emergency bus ticket or food !! I edge towards pay day knowing that the first £400's plus will disappear in pay day loan repayments. I debate whether to cancel my card and let them all default so i can pay that money on stuff that actually matters... like keeping a roof over my head!!

Work has been good. Whilst everyone else moans and gets ill, I carry on supporting people with a cheery smile. I am more valued now because I administer medications (I need my co-proxamol !) as well as hoisting folk out of bed and putting pro-shield on their bottoms. 😉 Sickness levels at the main place i work are rediculous. A message to all. Avoid going into any sort of "supported living home" until you absolutely have to. Stay in own home.

So they we go, my life on the edge continues... its day 6

Thanks for listening.. 🙂

Well its been more than a week without a gamble. This seems like a miracle given what i was like in 2017. Its still very much like "life on the edge" and will continue to be so for quite some time but am hanging on in there.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Keep pushing forwards. It takes time for that cloud to lift.

Presently you need to make sure you have as many blocks as possible. Did your make your rounds to the shops with your photos?

Little baby steps, you're doing great!

You know where i am - dont be a stranger. I'm always here for you.., don't forget this.

S&B xx

Doing just great 🙂

Alas not doing great. have started reaching out for some support

Good on you SA, despite not always practicing it my self, I do know that to get through the storm to calm waters is pretty nigh on impossible to do by ones self.

Calm waters await

How are you today SA?

Never give up giving up & please please - accept help/ support!

You're worth It!

S&B xx

How have you been so far this week?

Xx

Well ive reached my rock bottom. Blew my months wages the other day. Lots of thoughts of self-harm but am still functioning rather than lying in bed

I told work and they have been surprisingly supportive but I don't think they quite appreciate how messed up I am. They gave me some work assitance number to ring and i had a chat with some counsellor. She took me through a basic psychological assessment amd my score wasn't good, unsurprisingly.. she made me promise that i'd go see my Gp and tell Him/her how i am feeling. I said that i would. I will make an appointment in the morning... not working tomorrow.

Am rediculously tired and fatigued. I have not worked out how to survive untill next pay day but it may well involve a food bank. Ive f****d all the pay day loan companies. No money to pay nothing now and that includes my internet connection which may get disconnected at any point. I have appointment with rehab tomorrow. Will need to make some calls....

This is my world at the moment. Welcome to rock bottom. It is what it is.

Mate, I really feel for you.

Please, please ask for help and be ready to accept anything that is offered to you. That's what food banks are for.

The only way from this rock bottom is up.

You are much better than this.

NT x

Keep on pushing, I'm right here beside you... xxx

https://youtu.be/gdf5XaHU11U

I appreciate the thoughts folks.. makes me feel less alone.

This week has been horrendous, no doubt about it. I think its only work that has stopped me self-harming. Work has given me focus and a sense of belonging and friendship. The people I support always like it when I come through the door with a cheery smile on mmy face and i get on well with the staff to. Its also warm and i sometimes get some free meals and nibbles and free coffee and squash. It has meant that I can go whole days without spending any money. It won't get me through till the 15th feb but its a start. All I can do is focus on the here and now, break down each day into small chunks of time. When i start to think about what may lie ahead my anxiety just goes through the roof.

I went to the doctors I broke down. The doctor says that I am feeling the consequences of my gambling addiction. No s**t Sherlock! He says come back in a week and check in. He says come back sooner if I feel like am going to self-harm. he says that he's not going to refer me a psychiatrist because I am already very self-aware. he doesn't feel that psychiatric intervention would help me. The bottom line is that I work recovery or I don't. The bottom line is that the NHS doesn't really know how to help gambling addicts other than the sensible advice that anybody could give. I says there is no point in giving me a prescription for anything cos I cannot afford it. I produced a box of citalopram left over from the last time I was on a short course of anit-depressants. I said I would start taking them. He says thats a good idea.... so thats where we left it.

Previous to that I went to the rehab. Started sorting out some of the practical things, started making some phone calls. Its the beginning of the process. I don't answer my phone anymore unless am sure who it is... cos its always about debts and when will I pay this and when will i pay that. Its all too much at the moment.

I hate what gambling has brought me to.... 4 days clean.

thanks for listening.. S.A

final thought.

Before christmas I wanted to get my haircut. I have fine hair that just looks a mess when it grows. I like short and smart, grade 1 back and sides. However I chose gambling instead... no haircut.

After christmas I went to get my haircut but once again I chose gambling... no haircut.

In the new year I went to get my haircut but went to the bookies first... no haircut.

On pay day I went to get my haircut but went to the bookies first... no haircut.

Yesterday I went up town with an overgrown hedge on my head. I had a massive internal battle going on. Cos The little money in my pocket has become very precious... because it buys food and keeps me alive.... Food or haircut... food or haircut !!!

f**k it haircut... at f****n last.. short and smart

A great choice made, on the haircut front.

f x

Yes Freda.. short and smart.. maybe its vanity but then i have to look reasonable for work. Which reminds me, my work trousers are so worn out as are my shoes. What a sad state of affairs I am in.

I haven't gambled but the thoughts are still there. I suppose they would be as am feeling so stressed and anxious. Mate came round yesterday with some food. Thanks mate.

I managed to wangle some breathing space on this internet connection.. but as with all my debts ive just been kicking them down the road and forgetting them for a bit... for them to then just to come back up the road and bite me on the b*m.

A few positive things.. leaping around to music like a demented fish is a useful distraction when thoughts of gambling or self-harm come along. Work is going well.. I am enjoying supporting little old ladies and folks who have had strokes and the responsibility of administering medications. Cycling to work and then walking quickly between appartments helps me alot. Exercise is a life saver, egts the happy hormones going and stops me getting physically ill.

Don't get me wrong though.... my life is very hard at the moment.. but am working at it moment by moment only. For my diary to end in suicide would be tragic.

thanks for listening.. S.A