Hope

well its one week gamble free... its a start.

Ive spent much of the last week either at work or cycling to or from work. Work has stabalised me and made sure am around others and socialised a bit. In reality its also fed me a bit and kept me warm a bit and meant that ive been able to spend very little money. Quite literally its been a life saver. In return ive been very focussed and hard working and kind to people.

My mental and financial state remains extremely precarious but I am ever so slightly off the bottom. Thoughts of self-harm are less. Deep breaths...

Onwards...

You are so strong. Proud of you!

f x

Well am not so sure about "strong" Freda.. am just digging deep cos I have to. Ive managed to wangle a bit more time on this internet connection but ive got to pay x amount by such and such a date or its cut off time. Financially its gonna be real tough for quite some time.... 20 years to pay my debts back before retirement... now theres a cheery thought.

It maybe my first real challenge today (on the not gambling front). I was hoping to pick up an agency shift so id have a bit of money next week... but its not happened... so its a day off... to rest and relax and NOT walk up town to the nearest book makers and see if I can turn a few 20p spins into something more... thats been my recent history... sad isn't it. I remind myself that even when i have turned a small amount of money into something more I simply up the stake and lose the lot in a different machine... the daft addict that i am.

So today I intend to go on a long walk with a voucher I got from work and buy some new work trousers... that will pass 3 or 4 hours and hopefully coffee and chat with my neighbour. Being stuck in my own thoughts for to long is always dangerous.

Anyway thats me... its another day.

Thanks for listening

well another day... no gambling since my last post. Ive just picked up an agency shift for saturday, which will mean a little money the following friday.. which will mean I can eat without having to find out about local food banks. I will be happy once the shift is over and the timesheet is signed and sent off. I never ever want to be in this situation again. This addiction takes everything including your dignity.

I had quite a chilled out day yesterday. Ended up going to costa coffee with a voucher i'd got for christmas. Venti moccachino and a blueberry muffin... mmmm. Wrote a letter to my dad am sure he will appreciate it.

Despite my dire financial situation... I feel the first shoots of recovery starting to grow... I can do this.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Fantastic!

I think we prove how strong we can be, when we have to. You say you have no choice but we always do. If you fell apart, it would be extremely unpleasant but you'd end up on some ward somewhere, or in a hostel somewhere. You could have still chosen chaos and oblivion, even though it would kill you quite quickly.

I enjoyed reading about you enjoying that coffee and muffin. Being able to take pleasure in the little things. Some people cannot.

Take care,

f x

Thanks Freda.. well am still gamble free. Did my agency shift and then a long day shift today. Am cream crackered but edging away from total oblivion. Am far from being out of the woods, but its a start.

Thanks for listening.

Checking in... gamble free... I have £4 to last until friday and then the wages from 1 agency shift to last a week and I have to pay £32 in arrears for this internet connection on Friday or i get cut off. Its life on the edge but when your a compulsive gambler it becomes normal... its become my normal anyway. Given time things will start to improve. In fact they are improving in the fact that i no longer want to stab myself in the arm!!

Thanks for listening.

SA
Fella the fog lifts and you will be given the opportunity to live a better quality of life without addiction running around and around in ever decreasing circles.
There is as we know a fine line between the two and addiction will be seeking the first opportunity to invade your mind.
Stand strong fella,remember how you felt a few weeks ago sat in your bath.
I have walked in those shoes and I know addiction hates it when I remember that day.
My friend I will happily cover your internet bill if it helps, I know how important the connection with the digital world is, if you need a hand please don't be scared of asking.remember you are not alone.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Dunc's. I will be able to cover the bill but appreciate the thought. I have a sister who lives in Portsmouth. When i visit it would be good to meet with you to. One of these days eh.

Ive overcome my first proper urge to gamble this morning. I woke after another long working day yesterday. I am very tired and my gambling head said.. "youve still got that £4"... it don't matter if you lose cos you get paid something tomorrow... my gambling head says... you might turn that £4 into £8 into £20 etc etc. I went for a coffee with my neighbour instead and niw am off to work... no gambling.

Thanks for listening.

Hi S.A

yes I often get those thoughts, turn a fiver into 10, 20 etc etc, just really important we don't fool for those tricks, we all know it goes downhill from there.

Keep it going

Wilsy

Keep working at it SA. things will most definitely get better!

Remember.. a marathon awaits! We need to be strong mentally and physically and we can only achieve it by looking after ourselves.

Just for today dear friend, just for today - stay safe!

S&B xx

SA I will keep this short and sweet...just know that I check in every day to read your diary and am rooting for you more than you realise. Xxx

​

How are things with you SA?

"Don't suffer in silence". You're not alone!

S&B xx

Just checking in to see how you are doing?

​Julie

​

Hi all... and thanks for thinking of me... I stopped posting, because once again I sank into the abyss... pay day being a complete disaster. I now have to make calculations in my head over whether to buy food or let direct debits go through. I am currently working most of the time because I can accquire food at work, its warm and it keeps me focussed and occupied. I am extremely tired and fatigued though and this has been noted at work. They tell me to get more rest but at the same time continue to plead with me to cover more shifts. Despite all this work I don't see much of it cos i have to pay basic rate tax on all that i earn to cover tax owed from previous years. All being well I will be able to return to a normal tax code once this tax year is out the way. I have buried my head in the sand about debts and switch my phone off much of the time cos i can't be dealing with all the texts and phone calls. I haven't gambled since pay day disaster and atleast I paid rent first. My mate from rehab days is being taken to court... "seeking repossesion"... he seems quite blasse about it... he thinks he can deal with it... I don't want to be in his shoes.

So anyway... I continue to walk along the bottom of the trough but I am functioning. I have it within me to recover but it is down to me to work recovery or not.

Thanks for listening