Hope

Hi SA, just read your last post and it read true and honest, just keep on trying my friend, we all know how difficult it is and we're only human. Hopefully things improve for you shortly as you never give up.

All the best Wilsy

Hey SA

Good to see you posting..not so good to read you are hurting so much. I am back to the beginning myself and what a feeling huh...detest it but keep doing this to myself.

When enough is enough? Only if we have a good/deep look inside us, we may find what we are looking for.

Support is out there - fact!

Reach out pls you're not alone

Zx

How has your week been?

Thinking of you...get in touch when you can

Xx

Still at rock bottom.... am functioning ok at work but completely depressed outside of work. Not looking after myself at all. I can't even motivate myself to get the fuse out of the tumble dryer plug and put it back in my electric heater so i can atleast have one warm room some of the time. Instead I just freeze and go to bed in day clothes a wolly hat and hide under two duvets. I watch slot videos on youtube and gamble very small amounts of money in the bookies instead of buying food. Tomorrow i get up at 4 a.m walk for 4 miles in the snow to work cos i can't afford a taxi. My diet is terrible I drink loads of sugary coffee but despite all opf this my physical body is surprisingly resilient. I given up even paying token payments towards debts and i keep my phone switched off much of the time. I have turned in on myself and ive lost hope of things getting better. But the spring thaw is on the way and maybe that will give me the kick up the a**e to get myself back to a more normal way of thinking and being. Am tired of writting such self-defeating thoughts but its where i am at.... so there it is.. and before anybody starts writing about getting support or GA or cognitive behaviour therapy etc etc... I know!! I can talk the talk too... am just not walking the walk. It is waht it is.

On a positive I played chess with my neighbour, had a chat with my friend on the phone and i haven't gambled today. No lectures about recovery please I can't cope with it at the moment. I feel like going off on one even though its me am angry with really.

Hey SA...

Calm down dear friend. We are not here to drill "hard recovery" in your head. ..easy does it most of the times...

I have a life changing proposal for you. Am looking for a lodger & also have a job on a plate if you fancy a proper change, ..not saying the job is wonderful but it deffo pays the bills and living. ..I'm more than serious. Consider this please.

You k ow where to find me...for now - stay safe.

Xx

Thats a really nice thought S... x

I cant comment more now as work beckons... am ok.

cheers for now 🙂

Am back to feeling more human again. These massive shifts I do have to stop. I get really stressed out before i do them and then such a relief when they are over. On sunday I got up at 4 a.m left at 5 a.m walked for 90 minutes to work.. worked 7 a.m till 10 P.m, slept over then did 7 a.m till 2.30 pm. Its madness. I guess its a form of self-punishment for my gambling antics. I do enjoy my work but its very unhealthy the physical and psychological demands i put myself through.

Anyway.. no gambling.. life goes on.

How are things with You?

Xx

Well the disaster zone that my life has become continues. Done my b******s yesterday. Winning and losing but always finally losing.. and for what.. a dopamine hit and another dopamine hit and another dopamine hit and another dopamine hit !! I am now once again waking up to the consequnces both financial and psychological of what ive done to myself.. full of remorse and shame and scared so very scared about how I will get through... Ive been in survival mode for 2 to 3 years now.. life getting progressively worse... lurching from one crisis to the next...

I want to stop gambling. I want to get well before suicide seems like the only option. Am not suicidal but its waiting around the corner if I don't finally surrender to this hell that i have been living.

Am putting up some more barriers and becoming motivated once more... I stay stopped when am on the fitness trail... so i will get back to that...

Recovery can begin at any moment.... it starts now... I can live without the need for a constant flurry of dopamine hits..

thanks for listening

S.A. Am sending you very positive thoughts and a hug, which I think is needed. We can harp on about GA and quitting and resolve to do better and all of these things, but I firmly believe you need to take action. Can I give you my very honest opinion, I think your situation is a step above others on here, in the fact that I believe you need serious intervention and help to stop gambling as a form of self harm. I am not judging you in anyways, I think my heart is breaking a little reading your post above. The fact that you bandy the word suicide into a sentence, makes me believe that while you don't consider it an option just now, you have seen it as an alternative. You don't need me to tell you, that this is no way to live,my oh know this. I cannot say anymore, other than the fact that I want you to know that I will check in everyday to see any updates, and know that I am sending you best wishes, SA please seek the best that life has to offer x

Just sending you love.

You're running on adrenaline and this mucks up loads of your body chemistry, nevermind the dopamine issue.

I love this guy's input on intent. We need to focus and be ferocious in our intent to heal. Hope it is helpful in some way https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iJ6CnDrJ7Q

Am going to have my monthly pay go into my sisters account thyen she can drip feed it back to me.

Things have become so bad that I have started to ration food. I wait until I feel properly hungry before i eat anything. Thank god for out of date bread and cheap oats. Am in the strange position of not being being in rent arrears but not having any money for food. What has been happening is that as soon as i get paid am straight on the internet to pay priority bills and then i gamble before buying food (such is the power of this compulsion) and then when am skint I become hungry and desparate and scared of what am going to do next and what I maybe capable of....

This feels like its the worst my life has ever been. Its been a painful, gradual descent, lurching from one crisis to the next, but always just about hanging on and fighting back before falling again. They say gambling addiction is a progressive disorder... and boy o boy don't I know it. I feel it.... I trully feel it. I shouldn't really be alive with the amount of stress ive put put my mind body and soul under, over the last 20 to 25 years... but I am.. am still here.... am alive. My time has not come... its time to live...

Just for today...

Sa
Fella keep hanging on to whatever it is that keeps you finding the will.
My friend I stole to survive because I simply couldn't see a way to live without gambling, eventually I gambled to the point of no return.
The gate is waiting for you to walk through it to the life of abstinence, addiction stands in it's way, I know that.
Keep on keeping on my friend.
I am stood by your side unconditionally.
No judging, accepting.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yes, it's time to live.

It's lovely to see you back on here posting and updating. I am always thinking of you and I do wish that I could be here for you. You always come across as a wonderful human being who is unfortunate enough to be in possession of this horrible addiction but like you said...

...it's time to live.

We all know what it's like to be in a position where we really have to be savvy with money and food. However, this is a life skill that can only put us in a really good position in the future, one where life is generally gamble-free.

Keep thinking of that future - you deserve it.

NT