Hope

hi s.a

you talk a lot of sense and can relate to most of what you write

i never had money when gambling,even a big win wouldnt last,i wouldnt pay of any debts,id just be greedy and sink it all back in.now when i get a bill i can pay it straight away,pay it and get it out of the way,no phone calls"beging"for more time to pay,etc etc.how embarrasing.i even remember one occasion goin into the bank to withdraw £3 because i was broke.sure many have done the same.what a life eh???????? well no more for me,and hopefully you.

wishing you all the best

neil

Hi Neil,

I can o so relate to depositing a very small amount of money in the bank.. usually coppers and 5p's.. just so the balance got to £10 so i could then withdraw it out the cashpoint. Its a trully horrible feeling to be absolutely skint.. or having £10 to last 2 weeks which happened to me on several occasions.

Buying the cheapest out of date bread from the cheapest shop and the cheapest baked beans. Or eating the dregs from the back of the cupboard.. rice with some out of date pasta sauce. The feeling of being hungry cos of having no food at all and the feeling of being ill cos of not eating a healthy diet. I remember eating other peoples xmas chocolates at work.. this was breakfast and lunch.

I've almost forgotten some of this horribleness that i put myself through because of my gambling addiction. Its good that I remember the consequnces from time to time.. keeping recovery fresh.

I feel in a good place today 10 plus km's on the tread mill.. am feeling fit and healthy. i'd be a bit lost without the gym. have also been food shopping.. am gonna cook myself a nice meal this evening. ive noticed am getting lazy again. living on my own its so easy to get into the habit of eating random cr** food.. cheese n biscuits or cereal for dinner... quick and easy.. instant food.. no preparation.. instant gratification.

And isnt this the thing with gambling.. instant gratification. i find it hard sometimes to be patient.. to defer instant gratification. If I am out and about and am hungry am straight into a shop for a packet sandwich or a chocky bar. If I put a little effort in and took sandwiches to work i'd save a load of money and it would probably be much healthier. But no, nine times out of ten I can't be bothered.. feeling hungry am straight to the shop for random food.

But anyway.. its progress not perfection. Am not gambling.. one day at a time.. I have also made much progress on the drinking.. haven't been drunk since b4 xmas. I use to get drunk most weekends for years.. but now I seem to be able to take it or leave it.. have the odd pint every now and again. progress made.

No thoughts or urges to gamble. Am still very pleased with the blocking software I have. I was curious to see whether I could un-install it and I couldnt.. marvelous! 🙂

You show such strength. That was really excellent that you got Right back on track. That is supposedly one of the hardest things to do. And you did it.

I think counting up those days now will be much more enlightening and certainly less painless than the last time. You are seasoned in recovery, so you will definitely get much more out of your time now.

Good luck and thank you for sharing. Have a great week! (And get off your b**t and get a better job!)

Thanks for that recovering and good to hear that your still going strong.

You are right I do need to get off my b**t and find another job.. however things have improved somewhat over the last week or so.. politics and personalities and animosities have melted away to some degree. The original reason that i used as a reason to gamble all those months ago has reached closure. There is every chance that my stress levels will start to go down. Though I take my life a day at a time as always... I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.. I will deal with it when i get there.

I was really tired when i got home from work.. but I made myself get down the pool and do a few lengths. Am now feeling so awake and alert.. hence all my writing this evening. Exercise and writing.. such positives for my recovery. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Had to laugh when I read your earlier post about getting a tenner together to but out of date bread to get you through two weeks. It was either laugh or cry inconsolably. I have been there. I worked away on business for 18 months , I was allowed £30 - 40 evening meal allowance. I would typically got to the casino and blow my daily limit on my cards then get back to the hotel after the restaurant and take aways were closed, I wold basically not have eaten since the previous days breakfast as I typically skipped lunch as I went to the bookies. I would be starving then get up at 6am to get the hotel breakfast. I would then repeat this experience day after day after day. I must have been crazy man!!! I could have had a nice two course meal , a bottle of wine and spent nothing each evening and gone to bed and slept peacefully, instead I was going to bed penniless and hungry.

Hi Mancity.. its madness isn't it.. the power of addiction to get us to endure what we endure.

Am feeling overtired today and a bit of an emotional wreck today. I work in the helping professions, always have done really in one guise or another. Sometimes I feel like i have had the life force sucked out of me.. today is one of those days. Am sure that after a good nights sleep i will feel in better shape.

However today i am full of self-pity.. no room for self-pity in recovery.. but today I can't help it. Need to make progress in my life. Am starting to get these scary feelings of standing still going nowhere more and more. I go to work, go to the gym, go to the shops, go home, watch tv, write on here, potter around.. same old same old. I am in charge of my destiny.. time to step out of my comfort zone... but just feeling a bit sad and lonesome today 🙁

No gambling though.

I seem to be cheering up a bit.. a smile before sleep 🙂

and a hug

dee x

thats nice.. thank you 🙂

Life on life's terms is a cracker for us. As we have the knowledge of what gambling (our escape world) does we have little choice but to do what we have to do and most importantly except it. Once we weigh up the alternatives it doesn't apear to be too bad. Gambling will always be there with open arms for us, to comfort us when we are at our lowest. I think I prefer life on life's terms.

Hope your a little cherrier today. One day at a time.

Steve E

Thanks for your thoughts Stevey.. another day passes gambling free.. am happy to have betfilter on.. it takes away any possibility of an online gamble. As you say.. gambling is always there in the background.. open arms.. am avoiding its welcome one day at a time as always. Not much else to say today.. over tired once more.. but ok.. S.A

Hi S.A. I agree, gambling will always be lurking with open arms ready to pounce when the opportunity arises during our weakest moments to try suck us into its dark shadow. Hence we have to be on our guard. But surely as time progresses, as we learn each day more and more how to live a life without gambling, as we become more self aware and take action against our triggers, those strong arms become wasted. I guess what I’m hoping for is when time comes to pass and if gambling seems like an appealing option, maybe complacency kicks in, that I will have the courage to ‘amputate those arms’ and live the life I intended. Sorry for rambling, it just got me thinking. My emotions still feel raw at the moment and I think it’s one of the main reasons I’ve deterred from gambling, I guess I’m just afraid I will forget the pain and one day end up back in that dark shadow. But like you say, avoid its welcome one day at a time. Best we can do. Take care S.A. Hope the tiredness subsides a bit.

Dee

Hi Dee.. I hear you.. and let me add to your thoughts by telling a story. Am off work today and ive just got back from the shops. Now i was sitting on this bus and it pulls up at a stop and this relatively young man gets on. Now this chap is very big.. were talking morbidly obese. The bus driver has to lower the bus like they can do on these modern buses to help the chap get on. Its clearly a struggle for him. This bus is fairly full but even the little old lady with a stick vacates her seat so that this chap can sit.

Anyway I am in the middle of the bus and to be honest am squirming in my seat watching the spectacle unfold and to be honest deep down i'm half condeming this man for allowing himself to get to such a size. A size where if he was any bigger he would be house bound.

But then I start to think and reflect. I say to myself.. well he has a severe addiction to food (assuming he hasnt got one of these rare diseases that causes massive weight gain) but then i have a severe addiction to gambling.. and i really did.. his level of obesity was my level of gambling. I am in remission from my drug of choice and this chap is not in remission from his drug of choice. In the world of addiction we are much the same.

Am currently approaching 10 months gambling free and before i came to the forum, before my relapse I had gone for 3 years... not so much as a lottery ticket. When i went back and gambled.. the whole process, the emotions and the financial drain was exactly the same as it was those years before. But the real frustrating thing for me is that the gambling monster within has not entirely gone away. Am sure you have noticed a few old timers popping in recently with posts that amount to "all is fine.. no issues with gambling".. I want to be like that.. but alas its not to be thus far.

When i feel stressed, depressed, angry, lonely or tired.. the first thing i think of is gambling. Its something that i just have to manage on a day to day basis. I was gonna say for the rest of my life but that scares the s**t out of me... so i won't lol Part of me wonders whether I will be writing in my diary in a few years time on page 46527.. lol

When im dead and buryied (dodgy speeling).. some one will unearth this diary and turn it into a feature film. A gripping 3 hour thriller of CG going to tesco's for the millionth time lol

Am ok now.. writing this has lifted my mood.. feeling more cheery now 🙂 thanks for listening S.A 🙂

Hi SA

That's why it is sometimes referred to as the silent addiction. No one knows we have it unless they can tell our mood swings.

We all have our crosses to bare I guess.

Take care

matey and I too have to battle on a daily basis. I struggle but I win when I don't give in. Tomorrow is another day and some days are better than others.

Regards

Steve E

Another quiet weekend, but thats ok.. most of my weekends are quiet.. i'd rather have quiet than hell on earth.. which was my gambling addiction.

Am still recovering from a big session down the gym yesterday 12.69 km's in 75 minutes. trouble is though I didn't drink any water while doing it.. my eyesight went a bit funny after.. I guess it was dehydration.. its better now... need to keep the fluids up when exercising.

Have been washing my duvet and pillows.. which would never happen in a million years if i was gambling. lol Also a bit of dusting and polishing... just a bit mind.. am not a totally reformed character.. lol

Had a nice chat with my sister.. gonna visit her and her little boy over Easter.. that should be nice. Family visits were a nightmare when i was gambling.. not just the trying to scrape the money together for the train fare and presents and all that, but just the general feelings of shame and self-loathing.

I use to step from bedist squalor into polite middle class society with all the trappings. The transition from one to the other and then back again use to f*** me up mentally and send me straight back to gambling once it was over... not any more i might add!

This of course is the vicious cycle of the gamblers life. I new i had created the situation in which I found myself but I felt powerless to be able to do anything about it.. and sought solace in further gambling. That was until the day that i finally started to take action to do the things that i needed to do to help myself and i still am.

Some years down the line I have a flat instead of a crappy bedsit. i pay my bills in advance, I have a job, I have my health and i have choices. But most of all I have my sanity and self-respect ( well most of the time lol) My life is no longer the nightmare it once was.. and thats thanks to ME and my own efforts. I intend to continue on this path. one day at a time as always. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂