Hope

thanks guys.... good to see that some long timers are still about.... seems like your both doing well. I want to join you both.

I haven't gambled since my last entry... the tiny amount of money i have am doing positive things with... like buying bread and milk!

Strangely ive come home to find I have no running water. I spoke to my neighbour and it turns out that the fella that lives underneath me, went mad last night and flooded his flat and the flat beneath him... police called and allsorts ( am glad I wasn't here, I slept over at work). Some authority took the descion to switch the water off on his side of the block which unfortunately is also mine. Anyway am getting the council out to come and switch it back on... Id like some water especially as ive started paying for the water again. Everyone in my block seems to have quite severe mental health issues and/or addiction problems.

Anyway thats me... fairly sane today. No gambling.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA

Paying overdue visit and had to see if you where still here, I'm so sorry to read the rotten time you are having. Mate you deserve to be happy, s**t, all the help and support you have given to so many on here. I really felt your pain in the posts i read and I know those feelings too well.

Anyway mate, I want to offer my full support to you, I'm in a good place and who posted on my diary first, nearly 9 years ago now??

I'm going to be paying attention to your posts, I'll help you, if you want my email address, let me know please I can stretch to some cash for you too. I am not f*****g about you where there for me and I will not forget that, like I said a few years ago.

Take care SA, sorry for not posting nor reading for a long time.

Its ok mate... am glad your in a better place.

My world is extremely bleak and progressively getting worse. Ive stopped opening mail, cos its only another default notice. I keep my phone off alot of the time, cos its only another collections company. Ive worked stupid hours for many months and for minimum wage and have nothing to show for it... and now work is about to dry up because the care hours have dropped and they don't need me so much.... o the joys of a zero hours contract. Am not in rent arrears but I will be if I don't sort my work situation out.... and get a proper contract job.

Am proper depressed but have no desire to go to the doctors because i will only come out with another prescription for citralopam... a prescription I can't afford to pay for because food comes first. My diet consists of jam snadwiches, porridge oats and coffee (the coffee about to run out) and anything some unwitting soul offers me at work....

Things could be worse I know that. I have arms and legs and a half functioniong brain but am so broken now that I just want to go to bed and never wake up.....

Am not going to do anything daft and i will go to work today and put on a cheery smile, but in truth am a broken record still going around the same old cycle...

thanks for listening

Just for today.............

Come on you fool...... RECOVERY !!!!!!

Hi Blue.... you deserve a medal for reading all the way through.. but in the absense of a medal.. here's a smiley face 🙂

Yes what you say is pretty much what everyone says or implies, especially family. Lots of eye rolling and here we go again. I think over the years its been isolation thats been my biggest down fall. Left to my own thoughts all roads seem to lead to gambling, especailly now that am sitting on such a large pile of debt. Ive always struggled with being social. Am social at work because I have to be but once am home I feel drained and I just want to be in my own company. But tooo much time in my own company leads to escapist behaviours, depression and self-destruction. Ive never been able to find a balance between solitude and socialness.. thats my underlying problem.

The only thing thats ever really helped is jogging and I went for a jog yesterday and I will go again today.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA

Just wanted to say hello to you, sorry to read that your feeling the way you do, i remember years ago when we were disgussing dating, did you ever give it a go? just wandering, cos it might help to break that cycle and give you something fun to do maybe..good to read you still enjoy your jogging tho. Anyway tc SA

Hi ands.. that all seems like a long time ago now... am too down to even think of all that at the moment. How did you break the cycle, what changed for you to get to a better place??

Am having a rubbish day today, even though I did go out for a run. This is the first week in many months that i haven't been working much and boy o boy has my mood plummeted. Bored, restless, just milling around my flat fending off calls from debt collectors. Bit by bit the consequnces of my actions are starting to catch up with me. Feeling depressed and hopeless. I haven't gambled for 6 days but I think about it alot. Might go see if my neighbour is about.. I need some human contact.

Thanks for listening.

Sa
Fella I am stood by your side my friend,I walked in those shoes.
My advice pick up the phone every time it rings and be totally honest, the person on the other end of the phone is just doing a job, tell them the truth, arrange to repay the debt at a rate you can afford, you will be surprised at the response.
What is the worst thing that can happen, you screw your credit rating?? Result fella, no more borrowing.
Addiction will want you to run.
I say through experience yes run
But run at addiction.
Knock that horrible part of your mind into next week.
You can do this my friend
Why??
Because you are worthy.
Let's walk together.
With strength and honour
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncs and your right... addiction wants us to run for the hills and hide... so instead I decided to craft myself a realistic budget sheet and send if off to the most pressing creditors. I feel better for having done that....

Gambling has beaten me black and blue for 20 years.... and its time to stop using gambling to try and dig myself out the s**t.

One week clean.

I forced myself to go out yesterday evening as well. My neighbour runs a poetry evening once a month. It was good to be around people even though I didn't really chat to anyone. The poetry was good and some of it very funny... better than standing infront of a machine!!!

So this has been a slighly positive post. Now thats a good thing

Thanks for listening

Howdy S.A.,

I'm afraid I have had my head up my own b**t for so long now that I don't even remember what it's like posting on an others diary. I am always reading and willing you on. Although abstaining I am still most days treading water barely keeping my head above it. Life eh? We will get there all of us. Always close by my friend. Always believing in you. ((((( S.A.)))))

Deleted

Hi... thanks for comments.

No change here. A week since pay day. Am completely skint.

Tired of being scared all the time.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA

I've just realised that it's ten years today since you started your diary. You've certainly been through the wringer since then and I'm sure everyone on here is disappointed you've yet to defeat your demon.

All I can say is keep on keeping on and you'll get there in the end.

Best wishes

Blackjack

Hello SA: Not been on here for qute a while.. I may have commented on your diary about 3 years ago. I stil have the problem, nd mine is kind of similar to yours; slots... onine slots. I have put so many blocks in place .. and yet have always found a way around them. I can go months without... and then blow £2000 in a couple of hours... and then the chase is on. I finally think I have found my solution, and it may help yu. I ordered a new bank card... I didn't open it. I took it to my sisters and asked her to write down the last 3 digit thing... and then she sctratched them off the card. It's a small inconvenience to go to her if I need the 3 digit thing typing in online for anything... but I am now nearly 3 months since my last splurge. I feel safe knowing it makes me 99% safe. On top of this... and this may see counter-productive... I play on free to play sometimes knowing I cant get to my bank account. Also have you registered on GAMSTOP? I know it doesn't cover the off shore ones , but it will develop.

Anyway, hope you are well today.

"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving".... Terry Pratchett

An update.

Thank you for your thoughts folks and Jon my sister has also offered to help in whatever way, except I don't take her up on her offers of support. In truth I continue to struggle but refuse to do everything I need to do to stop myself gambling. My motivation and my will to stay stopped is lacking. Thats why I post less and less, cos there is no recovery. I am an active addict.. although I haven't gambled for a short while, through lack of funds.

Having said this, not having money for food has been a powerful motivator. The actual feeling of being hungry scares me. The 10 pound I have in my pocket will be spent on food. I like to eat.

In some respects I have kind of settle at the bottom. Its reassuring to me, that i cannot get mainstream credit anymore or even pay day loans and that in reality, there ain't really very much they can do about all the money i owe. I have started to deal with the banks and reach agreements with them. Pay day loan companies are a different kettle of fish and unfortunately there is still part of me that thinks that i can win a "chunk" of money just to get them off my back. My thinking continues to be very distorted.

Psychologically thoughts of self-harm have gone at the moment. Physically I am back running again and although work can be quite stressful I do quite enjoy it. Sometimes its funand Ive always enjoyed helping others less able them me. I had no money for the bus fare the other day. I got up at 4 a.m walked for 90 minutes along the canals, did a days work and walked all the way back. I am able to do this (imagine being confined to a wheelchair!)... I count my blessings.

Thanks for listening