Hope

You have been on here a long time pall. We will never beat this addiction but you need every block in place so you can’t gamble. I could not do it without my close family. You need to let people help you if there are willing.

Yes Boro.. I agree. Trouble is for a good while I wasn't motivated to stop gambling. I had to go back for some more pain and misery and thoughts of wanting to stab myself in the arm.

But am back now and motivation has returned. I recognise the need to allow my family to help me manage my money. Monthly pay has been a disaster. Whilst i do pay my priority bills, anything significant left over my gambling head just see's it as ammunition for a punt. I need my money to be drip fed back to me as and when I actually need it. This is the way forward untill I am stronger in recovery which maybe some way down the line.

The last two to three years really has been awful... self destruction in the extreme. All I really want is a bit of peace and serenity. I see people sitting by the canal fishing for hours on end... a peaceful way to pass time.

Thanks for listening

Hi S.A

Your diary was one i always read when i was here between 2013 and 2015 and i was surprised to see yours and freda's diary at the top of the list.I've started a new one as i couldnt remember my user details for my old diary.

I'm sorry your still struggling but you know you are stronger than this,you have alot of peope rooting for you including your sister which means you are not on your own and as long as your not on your own there is the chance you will crack this and finally find the peace and quiet you are looking for.

I noticed you have been struggling with having enough food if you google "how to feed myself on xx£'s per week" theres a hugh amount of receipes etc,always amazes me people can feed a family of 4 for £30 a week,also have you thought about going to the salvation army as they do food parcels may give you some basics for the week,you could use the tenner to get some meat etc.

Stay Strong one day at a time

Lib

glad to hear you are safe

Hey thanks all for your thoughts.

I soldier on. Not gambling, but it does help having next to no money. I do think about gambling the small amount of money I do have but I haven't succumbed. The thought of "having" to walk to and from work in the hot weather is good enuff reason not to act on my compulsions... but even so its a struggle.

I walked for an hour along the canals today to do an agency shift, only to find it had been canceled but nobody had let me know.. but thats ok I actually enjoyed the walk and it lifted my spirits.

Not much else to say... living for pay day really... which ain't the way its meant to be but has been my reality for quite some time. I have sisters bank details to transfer money over to her.. when i next have some of course... its down to me to do it.

Thanks for listening.

Dear diary.. am still soldiering on.

I haven't gambled but I think about it alot. I have access to a small amount of money which I could gamble at any moment but I choose not to. For several months now ive been at the point where "I have to live within my means" or its time to seek out a food bank or starve. There are no credit cards or overdrafts to fall back on, family has long since stopped lending or giving me money (they know better!) and even pay day lenders say no.... well the ones that do credit checks anyway.

I have learnt the hard way, that when the money runs out the money has really run out!... its a relief in a way. Live within my means or starve. I know that when my next pay day arrives the challenge will start again. I will pay my rent cos I want a roof over my head. I will pay my council tax installment cos they chase you hard if you don't pay. I will do my food shop online, cos empty cupboards scares me shitless.. I like to eat. I will pay my electric bill cos i like hot water in my bath and be able to switch the lights on at night. I will pay what i need to pay... cos I want to be good to myself and not do self-destructive things anymore. I will transfer money to my sisters account for safe keeping and allow myself just a small amount of money to live on day by day. Thats the plan... its up to me. I deserve a better quailty of life.

Thanks for listening.

A hug for you my lovely deserving friend! (((((SA)))))

Sorry to hear you are where you are. Sounds hopeful that you've put things in place to protect yourself, going forward.

I wish for you to find things easier. It has been a gruelling time for you recently. You deserve happiness, don't you think?

Well on a positive I have now actually joined gamstop and am now free from the option of online gambling for the next 5 years.... its a massive relief I tell you. I lost the plot yesterday, my work messed my wages up which meant I was hundreds of pounds out of pocket. I wasn't able to cope. I had planned and budgetted for what i was expecting and when it was halve that I lost the plot and used it as an excuse to go gambling. I played low stakes for 14 hours straight on an online gambling site that my blocking software doesn't block and by the end of that I was f****d and skint of course. After thinking about stabbing myself in the arm I decided NO... do something positive... so I went on to Gamstop and did what I should have done when the scheme started. better late than never I suppose.

My pay issues have yet to be resolved but they will be in due course. Am calming down and coming back to reality now. Deal with life on lifes terms.

Am still very f****d up.... but still here, alive and kicking... and I don't have bandages on my arm.

Thanks for listening.

Sounds like a good step. I'm going to look Gamstop up.

Big trigger, that is. Something like that could definitely have triggered me. It's like you feel you're just about keeping everything together and then this overwhelm of "all of the plates I am spinning are going to fall".

Wishing for better times for you,

f x

Hi... and thanks f x

Well ive been gambling free for a while, but ive had next to no money, so its kind of quite easy really.

Another pay day approaches, I have planned and budgeted and intend to give money to my sister to look after.

Work is getting stressy cos staff are going off sick left right and centre and ive found myself saying yes to extra shifts and thus am tired and fatigued all the time. Ive been down this road so many times before, when will I ever learn.

Thanks for listening.

P.s .... am still pleased with myself for the online exclusion... it just takes away the temptation

Ive woken up all angry this morning. Ive taken on far too much work. They keep asking me and I keep agreeing. Am only supposed to be relief staff and yet I work full time and more. I hate people that take advantage of my good nature

Blood pressure through the roof...pacing around like a caged lion waiting to go to work. Its b******s

Weirdly, I think it's great that you are finally feeling angry. Your feelings are coming and this is good! No longer numb.

Deep breaths.

You make a good point Freda. Ive spent a life time stuffing my feelings inside (in true man style)... and its done me no good.

Yesterdays shift was exhausting but passed off okish.

My current anger is allowing myself to be talked in to a great succession of late shifts, alot of which are with agency staff. People don't like late shifts do they? You hang around all morning waiting for your shift and thinking about your shift ahead and then you feel tired before you even start. Ive been well and truelly stitched up. What I realise is that alot of the key staff really don't care about my welfare (and why should they I suppose?) Its just about covering shifts with atleast one meds trained staff (ie me)... and nobody sorts out the job cards, cos they just assume that i will come in a bit early and do it because ive done it before... Ive only got myself to blame though... cos I do it don't I ? conscientious person that i am....

The only person that can look after my welfare is ME.... I won't allow this situation to develop again

Thanks for listening